ATU,
You are not in danger of a revenge A...unless you make that choice, it won't happen.
"I so, SO intensely miss the "specialness" I used to feel and I really feel that will never be able to come back."
You are special...individual...whole, complete and marvelously made. You were before you even knew your FWH...and so you remain. Until you choose to know and believe that, to live from that belief you will not experience it, so you make your feeling into reality. You do that. Not him.
"I will forever have a H that didn't love me or care enough about me not to cheat."
Why do you choose to believe your H did this from not loving or caring enough about you? Do you believe that is his truth? Or that he chose to cheat because of what was inside him...not feeling YOU loved him or cared for him enough?
And may that be why you related that to a revenge A? Because now you're blocking his deposits and your own, in the same way he did yours? If you make his affair about you, then yes, you can make your idea of having one about him...neither will be true.
"It is just a fact. Every man in my life has been the same. My father cheated on my mom and walked away out of the blue without even looking back. My first boyfriend that I had for 4 yrs cheated on me and broke up with me 2 or 3 times before I finally ended it. My second boyfriend broke up with me unexpectedly after 4 years because he was "in love" with someone else."
You choose your partner in life...and choose them over and over again...may not be the same person, they have the same traits you are attracted to...and you nailed it beginning with your Dad...to win him back...like you have that power...when in reality, he lost YOU...not the other way around.
"My H I didn't even really want a relationship with when I first met him, but later fell in love with how devoted and special he made me feel."
As long as you put your own worth, specialness, lovability into another person's hands, you will be betrayed...because you betrayed yourself first. Your self is worthy, special, lovable...giving it away degrades and discounts this truth. Hold onto yourself, ATU...you are priceless. Not for what you do or don't, did or didn't...or what others did or didn't do...because you are, made that way from love.
"I truly felt for the first time that I was not more in love with him than he was with me. I felt so secure in his love for me. Now, it is just gone. I don't feel special. He kicked me aside and then stepped on me trying to get to his OW."
If you continue to choose to see him plowing over you to get to his fantasy, his own false self-soothing, then that's what you will experience...and your feelings will hand you sorrow, rage, fear and pain from your choice to believe his choice was for another person, comparing yourself, rather than it being about him and his own fantasy as relief from his own stuff. Not you.
"He not only cheated, but turned hateful towards me. I will never feel secure and special again. I feel so needy and desperate for that feeling again. I feel it so much that if a man came along and acted like I was the most beautiful and greatest thing ever I would probably fall for it. I am so pathetic and disgusting that even if he was married, I would probably feel "special" that I was more important than his wife or family."
You are not pathetic or disgusting...you are reaching, craving for your own self to look at you and KNOW you are marvelous, special and priceless. Your own self has reached for you throughout your life, and you are unfaithful to you...getting to your feelings through others...as if others are to be used, not loved. Go direct.
"GOD! How can I think like that after what I have been going through?? I feel so sad. I H tries to show me his love and reassure me all the time, it just isn't the same. Its also not a situation where I think the grass may be greener somewhere else. I don't want to leave my husband I just desperately miss feeling like I am someones one and only and feeling like someone loves me so much that they will do anything for me and NEVER do anything to loose me."
When you will acknowledge, accept and understand your own self value...which is doing anything for you to get there...then you will know you cannot lose you...you will fill up with love and spill over...and experience intense love, respect and honor...in abundance.
Please don't choose to continue to deprive, abuse and harm yourself...your true self is innocent. Closing down your love bank from focusing on lack won't get you there. You're half of any relationship...and you only control your half...not others...there's no special miracle man out there...there's only you, a wonderful human, right here.
Get this and you will have what you have NEVER had before in your marriage or any previous relationship...you will have you, whole, complete and you will share you, all of you, with your FWH...and THRIVE.
Your choice.
LA
