I've been searching, challenging, learning, laughing, and living life... with my loving, forgiving, and patient FWS at my side.

Oh, and I've taken up running-- and writing poetry. In the past six years (or has it been seven?), I've literally logged miles upon miles in my running journal, and I've penned numerous poems.

Sometimes, I still peek back in on MB-- to remind myself, to remain focused, to see for myself just how much I've grown over the years following d-day (October 1999).

I am who I am... potty-mouthed at times... but I have a heart bigger than the state of TX, and like to think that I can *see* the good in even the most obnoxious of beasts.

I adore people-- enjoy viewing things from afar... enjoy questioning, in rearranging emotions, in challenging myself and others, in attempting to put myself in other's shoes (WS/OW/BS).

Additionally, I like to believe in the good of others. I like to believe that my FWS has always been a good man and that he deserves to be HEARD and validated (even when, to me, he was spitting "venom"... 'cause that was HIS REALITY... and who am I to "teach" him that his POV was wrong... and mine was right?).

I like to listen... and I like to believe that I am mature enough to HEAR (but not just my own voice).

Tonight, I'm hearing that I've offended some posters (on another thread). This brings me great saddness. I wonder if my true message has now been lost?... and I encourage others not to take my words personally (as they were very much eternalized-- me thinking out loud-- and not directed at anyone in particular). Rather, my words were meant for the original poster... and they were meant to uplift-- to VALIDATE and to offer COMFORT. The words were, infact, meant to convey, "I HEAR YOU AND I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR BEING CONFUSED."

And, yes, I hear that some were offended by my use of the "f" word- and have so altered my message (as again, it was not meant to offend).

Moreover, I HEAR my own voice-- questioning why I feel the need to explain myself. Feeling small, and misunderstood. Wondering if I'm still too aloof-- backwards, even-- in my own writing to actually *reach* anyone with what I believe to be my TRUE message: one of HOPE.

Wondering if anyone can HEAR ME... ??

Ironically, I seem to be able to HEAR all of your voices inside ME (the pain, the joy, the confusion, the anger, the giddiness of possibility, the relief, the fear of failure...).

On the upswing, I feel as if I've grown just enough-- over the years-- where I'm no longer paralyzed (brought to my knees) when/if someone disagrees with me. Nor, do I feel as if I'm on a rollercoaster high 'cause things seem to be moving in the right direction and everyone is agreeing with me-- on this particular day, at this particular moment in time.

Rather, on most days, I feel at peace... centered; strong; healed. And, I gotta tell 'ya-- it feels freakin' WONDERFUL.

My sincere apologies if I've gotten under anyone's skin... all I've ever wanted for ALL participants caught-up in the insanity of an affair is simply PEACE.

In closing, I'll leave you all with one of my poems:

No more room for lipstick red,
Masks removed and shattered.
Once frayed heartstrings fuse together,
Strong enough for strumming.
Melancholy love revived,
Dreams of fate rewritten.
Strangled sobs make way for laughter,
Swan song long forgotten.

Hugs, ~Marie

Marie:

I heard you, I really did. And I thank you for your message of HOPE.

Your poem is lovely. I'm glad you shared it.

LilSis

Marie,

Thank you for the edit. Profanity has always been a trigger for me as a sign of extreme anger and to clear out of the way. And your post had so many f-bombs it was really really hard to get anything but anger out of it.

I'm so happy that you have joy and peace in your life. I realize not everyone who uses the f-word is really angry, but it's an emotional trip wire for me dating back over 40 years with a very angry, violent, alcoholic father to the point that my self-preservation response has become very automatic; I own that it's my interpretation of the language - not your intention.

Hi Marie,

Thanks for your inspiring update. My sitch is unique but the hurt is the same.

My H's 4 month EA last year (and the ensuing fall-out) has actually begun to create what appears to be a real marriage out of 30+ years of wasted "fakin' it trying to make it" efforts (just going through the motions and keepin up outward appearances).

We're very early in recovery but things look promising. To see the depths of our detachment, check out my thread in Romantic Experiences "My MR. ROMANCE makes our renewed marriage seem too good to be true." (Sorry, haven't learned how to link yet.)

Our biggest trial now is dealing with triggers that affect my trust-rebuilding efforts but I'm charging that issue with a vengeance. I've overcome one biggy and by helping others overcome theirs, I'm hoping to be trigger-free like you....but I am wondering how to speed up the 'trigger-free' timeline.

I've had lots of input but do you have any thoughts on how to do that? Please visit my fledgling new TRIGGER DUMP thread in GQII and shed some light on those of us tripping on triggers.

Again, thanks for your encouragement.....please hang around or at least check in occasionally.

Ace

Marie's message has won the coveted ^^^>>>~*Pepperband*~<<<^^^ stamp of approval (all rights reserved)

Miz Marie, would you care to post some of your poems on the *poetry corner* thread ???

poems containing profanity are ESPECIALLY valued <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

kind of OT: But I'm trying to learn about PROFANITY from those of you who are more experienced....

Since my H's affair, he has become a "CURSER"..he ENJOYS "CUSSIN"..as we say here in the South...it's kind of a trigger for me 'cause that's the way the OW talked..well, she "cussed" at me using the GD word in my first and only conversation with her..I remember saying to myself (forgive me).."he's with a woman that talks like that?"....

AND I NEVER..really..NEVER learned how to do it "COMFORTABLY"..and I'm getting on up there in age to learn this new language...

It's still SOOOO AMAZING to me that my H "LOVES" DOING IT...and it seems to come NATURAL to him NOW..when beforehand, he didn't "TALK THAT WAY"..he sounds so "UGLY" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...giving you a flavor of what was ingrained into me as a child... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So my question is, which you may consider stupid or hilarious, "WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT CUSSIN'?"

Trying to understand..cause when I DO IT, I feel like I'm being a "BAD GIRL"..way I was brought up..wasn't done in my house...

nothing is "good" about it Mimi

no one says you need to like it

it's admirable you do not cuss

I don't give a [censored] ~~~> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> back at you Pep...

I wish I was FREE enough to do it..to be honest I think it's KEWL... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, yesterday I met a "southern lady"

... an elderly black woman with the sort of quiet dignity that I will never have ... any curse words outta her mouth would be like tossing mud on a beautiful orchid ... I instantly fell in love with her (sometimes I fall head-over-heels in love with my patients) ...

she does not need to curse to be funny, or to be heard, or to be liked ... she is who she is .... and her level of self-acceptance was what made me fall in love with her....

I love my job

Pep

You might have met me YESTERDAY..

AN OLDER VERSION...of course...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Really you met my grandmother who basically raised me..

Now you know why I am..the way that I am...

HOW SERENDIPITOUS...brings tears to my eyes and gives me chills..

Wonder if her spirit came to visit you...so we could hook up some sort of way...

Hello Marie,

I have not had the pleasure of meeting you.
Personally, I enjoy your style of writing.
I grew up around quite a few fowl-mouthed Northeastern men (and some women too) and don't get easily offended by the f-bomb.
I found your post on the other thread fun to read.... witty and entertaining...almost like stand up comedy.

mimi,
I am sorry if you felt that my comment to Maries post meant I was supporting her telling people off.
That is not how i saw the post at all.

MIMI/PEP

Cursing?

Something that my BS would never do.

And I respect that. Something you do not do in front of the "ladies"

Frustration for LG>>>> Sounds like a sailor...


LG Learned a lonngg time ago, never curse in Mrs LG's direction. Bad Idea.

And now? My 14 year old wants to curse in MY presence.....

Need to POJA that one!

LG

Nia, I understand NOW.

Mimi

from my take:

Marie was saying LilSis's H is a WH ... AKA a jerk ... and not to expect decency from a WH

pretty much what you'd been saying ... only with more c o l o r f u l language <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Ohmymarie,

Was that you all the fuss was about? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now I have to go and read it all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You guys 'n gals gotta realize how long we have all been dealing with this schtzuff.

To recognize someone taking a wrong path due to being beclouded by all the hurt sends some of us..... back to using the ol' spittoon. LOL!!! Yes, the A has put a foul mouth on many of us. Me included. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I am working hard at not saying those bad words.....after all the first words out of the OW to me was F U..... seems she had a mouth of a drunken sailor from planet Xlax. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> But I learned....later when the OW retorted with her favorite letters of the alphabet (F U).... I told her that it was not possible to do that with her and not something I am into away but since she was into doing that, she ought to go find a suitable partner. LOL!!! Well..... those were just too many words for the OW to handle. She hung up! Still I got my point across and felt much better. Now I am sticking to the word stupid. I am allowed to use to when it is appropriate ..... been using it a lot lately. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So my dear...... glad to read up on your sitch.

All hugz from the middle of the big blue,

L.

Hello Marie,

Long time no see. I am glad things are going well for you and your H. Hope you come by more often and offer advice and guidence.

JL

Ace: I'm working at the hospital this weekend (10hr shifts)-- actually I'm at work right now (taking a little break). I will attempt to read/reply to your trigger thread on Monday (my day OFF... as I have a *date* with hubby after work this evening).

Pepper: Ditto above response re: poetry thread.

Mimi: "What's so good about cussin'?"-- well, honestly, I find it somewhat "freeing" in a way. A form of self-expression which most definitely *celebrates* the independent little spit-fire that I've become s/p all this affair muck. Not sure if that makes sense (??). And, while I do say the words with passion, I most definitely am not saying them in anger (or to intentionally hurt others... or make others feel uncomfortable). Honestly, I don't curse all THAT often... and usually only in the presence of those that know me best. I guess I still feel comfortable enough here at MB to *let my hair down* (ie: curse)-- even though I've been absent from the forums for quite some time. All that, coupled with the fact that I simply watch FAR TOO MANY HBO series (Sopranos, Sex and the City reruns, Rome, Entourage, etc.)... Oh, and I have a certain yen for alternative rock music which probably isn't helping....

Additionally, and ironically, my affair trigger with OW is somewhat what I'd consider to be the exact opposite of your OW's trigger. OW in our triangle was painted by my H--and her H-- as pure, practically virginal!, most likely draped in white cloth, complete with golden halo perched upon her pretty little head. I mean, c'mon, and in my best tongue-in-cheek, stand-up-comic voice: *hello, and PUKE!, she may not have been using the "f" word conversationally, but she was most certainly #$*@!ing my husband!"

Still, I agree-- no excuse for my potty-mouth! It's a bad habit that I need to rid myself of, but in all honesty, I kinda hate to give it up, as it makes me feel *bad girl* powerful and assertive. It's similar to how I feel about fine brandy or scotch-- comforting to know that it's sitting there on the shelf... for just the right occasion.

(or not, for those of you that wouldn't dare... which is totally COOL to me. Restraint-- such a commendable characteristic... and obviously not my strong suit when it comes to the cursing).

Nia/Lil Sis: thanks for *getting me*... truly.

LG: I promise not to curse in front of Mrs. LG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

JL and Orchid: Wild hand waves and smiles! Long time no read... hope all is well and peaceful for you both.

*edited to add JL and Orchid to my reply.

~Marie

The only time in my entire life that I remember using any sort of profanity was after D Day #3. For about a week, I dropped more curse words, including the F-Bomb multiple times ('Fone Fornication' takes too long to say when you're livid) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.

It had its place even though it felt very 'alien' to me. Because he'd never heard such outbursts from me in our 33 years together, my H saw and felt my pain for the first time.

Ace

Marie:

I hope you stick around and post more often....

I think I understand where you are coming from NOW... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You have to be included as one of my girls since you love HBO SERIES...

What do you think about Carmella? Quite the BS....