i think thats important. good.

Yeah - I know. Its like "I'll do things to make her happy and show affection and attention" ... no, wait "we're getting too close, just be my friend". Its confusion, but he must be going through a very confusing time right now.

I could check phone records, as our cells are on the same bill under my name. I could check email and myspace. I could tap his phone. I could have him followed when he is in her town. I just really want to honor his request - what if this whole thing is all just a test?

it very well could be. my H calls the phone tap a "sneaky snooper"... he always found out about it before i could get the information that i thought i needed.

i think i would tap the phone but you need be very, very careful that he does Not find out. also be very careful of what you hear. what if you hear that he is talking "nonsense" to this ow? would you be able to hold it in until an opportune time? ...and hold off on the email checking (unless you can get away with it) for a bit.

if you can check the cell without him finding out about it (phone bill) - do it.

I can check everything without him knowing about it ... I just don't know what it would prove or disprove. I feel like its a test to see if I will snoop or do what he asked of me. I am trying to do everything requested of me now to prove my loyalty.

it would prove he is doing nothing if thats the case and then you can truly be at ease about this ow. if he has something to hide - i would want to know about it before it gets any further.

dont do it if you dont feel "right" about it

Here's the thing about it ... I don't feel "right" about the friendship, but I don't feel "right" about checking up on it against his will either.

I told him when I asked about her that this is how A's begin, after all I've been there. He assured me that they have not discussed our situation but that they are friends. I just don't feel good about this friendship, especially since I didn't know about it before he found out about my A (though the friendship didn't really grow until after he found out about me). She has a history of being with men in my H's profession ... As his friend, if we don't work out, I want to warn him to be cautious of women interested in him b/c of his job (they might be after him for the wrong reasons). And I want to tell him that now about this woman, but I don't want to "rock the boat".

I mentioned in my other thread that we are getting along better than ever - I don't want to ruin that. He comes home tomorrow, and I'm still not sure how I can act like we're not married.

ok - dont do it. you may or may not be ready in the future. hold off for now.

Thank you for all your time and thoughts ... I'll be sure to contact you if I decide to start the snooping <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. Do you have any thoughts on how to react to this "living together like we're separated" thing?

try this on... when you were still in the ea stage... what if your H found out and decided it was going in the "wrong" direction and said something to you, how would you feel? would you feel saved or defensive?

you are still married to him. he is going through a rough time. you betrayed him (sorry!) and he is going through this. you have decided that it was a mistake and want to save the M. sounds to me like he has tried and decided not to (sorry!). the posters here vehemently believe that this can be worked out. and so do I.

you know what to do in your heart. if snooping doesnt feel right, dont do it. continue doing what youve been doing though. you need to break his resistance to "getting close' to you. how much time will you have before he leaves again?

talk to him. find out what it will take for him to make a decision. you have a dd, and i am sure she loves her dadday... set up situations that require that you all interact Together.

He could be home all week or could be gone again on Friday ... will know better early in the week.


At times I think he does, and at times I think he doesn't ... again, the roller coaster. I think we can work this out, but I also thing that we BOTH have to be willing to do what it takes. My only requests to him: continue what he's been doing to improve communication and attention, not quit having sex, drop this friendship with this girl. I'll do whatever he needs to work on this too.

I want to so badly ... last week though he said he felt like I was manipulating him by setting up family time and dinners alone. But then he told me later not to give up. (It seemed like he was saying "I need to just go through what I'm going through. Hang in there for a while.") I suppose I just need to anyway so that he'll see I'm not giving up.

you are awesome and have a great head! yes, the roller coaster (sorry!) what do you know about this girl? i dont know anything so technically she could be 9000 years old and fat. if you have him til friday then you have him for five whole days (do you work?) to plan a him - have fun with him- wlcome home plays with dd, etc., help him through this...

what do you think?

Well, thank you ... but I'm not feeling so awesome these days.

I know that she isn't ugly or fat (saw her pic on myspace ... that's how I found out about her). I know that she's wild. I know that she's around our age (28ish). I know her name and where she lives (city only). I know she has a history with men in my H's profession. I know he doesn't talk to her in front of me. I know he'll see her soon. YUCK!

So I have 5 days to WOW him. I do work and our schedules sort of clash, but I know he'll make time to be home with DD, which means family time too. I've made a lot of discoveries while he's been away and feel like a calmer person (I'm typically pretty Type A). Still not sure how I'm going to deal with all this, but I'm giving it my all. I just don't want to lose him. We've been with each other through a lot! He has been kind enough to say that we are great partners and we make a good team (very true).

well, youve been through alot and its understandable. just know that someone out there believes that you are Awesome and i am sure i am Not the only one.

ok, so she is not 9000 years old or ugly... Issue!

you have been wowing him... thats why he is "afraid". he is afraid that you will hurt him again. its legitimate (sorry!).

i think i would go about "my business" as usual when he comes home. do whatever the norm is at your place minus the sex and back rubs. i dont know what you do for him that he doesnt want you to do so keep those things to a minimum. i dont know what you do as a family but do More of it. if he gets antsy - back off. feel him out. you will be ok. his rules "no sex, no back rubs, no doing things for him. But we can sleep in the same bed, and I am allowed to still do his laundry, cook his meals, pack his suitcase for his next trip, etc." do Not include spending time together, having fun together, talking and communication. i wouldnt talk about saving the marriage just yet either.. "let it go" for now (its just for now you can do it!)

what do you think?

Well, she's no Me though either (lol).

Sounds like that is the best plan of action (that must be what "plan A" stands for, haha). I do a lot for him, which is why the "don't do anything for me" will be so hard ... I will just be the best wife and mom I can be. I will show love through my actions and back off when needed. I just don't want him getting too comfortable with this friends/co-parents-living-together-but-separated thing. I don't want him thinking that this will last forever. At some point he'll need to decide if he's willing to give it a shot or not. I don't want to put pressure on him to make that decision though. I'll just be myself and hope he likes the new me and eventually falls in love all over again.

P.S. I think you are awesome too ... I can't thank you enough for your time and advice!

No, shes not and that makes a difference. you are the mother of his child. you are his wife. you have history (the good stuff!)on your side.

so put a limit on it that you are comfortable with. you may have done the wrong thing but you have a right to have boundaries just as much as he does! dont worry about the pressure part until you feel that its gone too far for you.

I think deep down he knows that the history we have and support I've given to him will always outweigh any possible future relationships. Because of his career, he'll always wonder if any other woman is with him for the right reasons. But I was there when his career was minuscule, he knows I have been with him because I love him.

My therapist thinks I should set a time limit to this scenario. I'm just not sure how long to set it for, or how long I can handle it. Maybe I should just take it a day at a time.