Is that YOUR house? No. It is both of your house and also both of your daughter. You have no right to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house or with his own daughter. Until you have a LEGAL separation you cannot restrict his access to the house and based on your actions... YOU should never restrict his access to his child.




Again... not your call as to what happens in your jointly owned house.




2 X 4 incoming here. Where do you get off being so demanding?


PERSONAL Boundaries....

Things like, I will not have SF with you if you are engaging in that act with anyone else.
I will not share a bed with you until you move back home.
I will not attend family functions and pretend that everything is okay when it is not.

etc.

Yours were not personal boundaries... they were demands and really you are not in a place that you can demand anything except for respect of your boundaries.

MEDC

Inappropriate as noted above.

Ok ... I see your point. I was trying to establish boundaries for the separation and his cake-eating, but you are right ... these are demands. I have no right to tell him what he can/cannot do with DD - I should know better. I can't kick him out and I do not want to be separated, but he does. Why does he want to stay here when we have agreed that if HE wants to be separated HE will leave? I WANT to work on the M, he doesn't. What's the point in being separated if we are living together?

So, "I" statements, not demands:

... This is a good one, but I don't know if he is and I don't think I can trust him to tell me the truth. I guess that means no SF - I'll have to let that EN go unmet for a while.

While YOU should enforce your personal boundaries... you should be thankful that he is willing to spend some time with you. This does not mean you have to be a doormat or engage in risky sexual behavior though.
You also need to keep in mind that while he is being kind about this right now... he ceratinly has the option of taking his daughter with him when he goes.... keep that in mind when you are dealing with him concerning your child. Do what is in her best interests right now and that means spending time with her father and not saying anything bad about him. I don't remember how old your daughter is... but if it is age appropriate you might want to let her know that you acted in a way that hurt daddy and that he is trying to cope with that. Kids need to know what is going on and not be lied to about things.

I have been very good about remaining positive about Daddy ... he is a great dad, so there is no need to say anything negative.

As always, M, I appreciate your reality-checks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Were you enaging in SF with your H during your affair? Have you been checked for STD's? Did you ever have sex with the OM and your H in the same day? Does your H know the facts?

Good, i am glad you take them in the spirit in which they are intended. I think you are making great strides on you... now we have to hope your H comes around.

H knows the facts ... I had sex with OM 2x, never within same day as H. I was immediately checked for STDs (this was a condition for H to continue to have sex with me) and was negative. IF he decides to come back to the M, this will prob be a condition for me as well. So in the meantime, no SF. My only concern with this is that if he hasn't had SF with OW yet, this will push him to do so. I know, I know ... I have no control over his actions, only my own.

I agree with MEDC.

Personally I would NOT spend my anniversary with in-laws pretending that everything was fine.

Yeah ... I am still iffy on this one. On one hand, it is a chance for him to see me as the woman he might consider coming home to - the woman his family loves and a reminder of how things could be. On the other, it seems ridiculous!

I just moved my money out of the bank account. He has no explanation for the withdrawals and has been spending money out at bars. I decided that I am not paying for his party-time. Consider it a personal and financial boundary.

I think you are going to have to sit down and decide what you want in your life. You made a horrible mistake, and things suck right now. It is like a row of dominoes falling.

Even though you are the FWW, I think you can have boundaries of what you will allow to happen to your family.

I want to save my M, but am finding it difficult to Plan A while he is out on the town with his OW. It seems to get worse each moment. What can I do to pull it together, avoid his cake-eating, set boundaries for myself, and try to save my M? I feel like I have gotten off course of my R and need to find a way back.

Like the airlines say - you have to pull down your own oxygen mask first, before you can even think about saving anything.

Figure out why you chose to have an affair. Figure out what was wrong in your marriage.

I forget, are you working outside the home?

I figured out all that ... now I need to re-focus on saving my M. I've gotten caught up in the roller coaster rather than focusing on a PLAN (like Pep said). So now I need to establish my plan (and stick to it).

I do work outside the home 4 days/week. And he travels A LOT. Why do you ask?

Just curious. A wife who is working has more options than a SAHM, sadly.

So what did you figure out about the why?

I didn't protect and save my weaknesses for my H. At the time I explained away my choices by using the excuses of being lonely and starved for affection. Now I recognize that I adjusted my moral standards to accommodate my selfish desires. I have done extensive work on myself.

So your husband met all of your needs and was a good guy before your affair, and NOW he has gone a little crazy?

Or were there serious problems before?

Serious problems before ... I am just taking responsibility for my part. He failed to meet MOST of my ENs for the last several years. But I could have handled it better.

We did 1 session w/ the Harleys. Then I found out more about the extent of the "friendship" with this OW and gave him the option for separation. He chose to go (sort of - most of his stuff is still here). I don't think I can sit at dinner w/ the in-laws and pretend everything is ok, I don't know.

Yep, you could have handled it better, that is for sure. But if he stops contact with the OW, and agrees that he wants to stay married, the problems are still there.

I think you are going to have to have firm boundaries. It might not seem right to some, since you strayed too. But I think one of you needs to start fighting for your family, and you are the one who is posting.

I would let him know that, anniversary or not, you don't care to pretend that everything is fine anymore.