Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 28 of 45 1 2 26 27 28 29 30 44 45
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Awwww, darn it. He's continuing to detach and making arbitrary decisions that you’re not a party to. If he rekindles a relationship with OW, or finds a new one, the separate account makes it easier to hide. There’s a chance he’s learning how to better hide things.

The “date” worries me too. I'm afraid it's going to be a thing that appears to be conciliatory on its face, but really has a deeper agenda. I wonder how he’ll orchestrate the whole evening.

I really, really hope I’m wrong. I’m seeing a resemblance to other people’s cases where one spouse or the other began building a case for being able to say, ”Well, I tried…” I hope I’m wrong.

Well, I’m sorry you can’t keep doing a Plan A, but when it gets to a certain point, when your Love Bank is nearly exhausted, and when your love for WH is in serious jeopardy, then there’s nothing more you can do. You have to get some relief from what I saw someone write the other day is the “tyranny of having your love bank completely depleted.”

My only suggestion would be to caution you I see your emotions are very high today. Can you reevaluate the time limit after a good night’s sleep? It’s your decision, of course.

I understand your Love Bank is almost drained. The problem with him depositing small deposits…crumbs of affection, being decent, and seeming to come closer (while he’s on the road), etc….is that while he’s depositing small increments at a distance, that deposit is later “withdrawn” because of the way he acts when he gets home. It seems to me, it’s been a while since he’s really tried to meet your EN's. Comment?

Is there no way you will consider a legal separation when you go into Plan B? I think it would be better for your daughter and you if you were not ripped from your home because your WH won’t see the light. Remember, Plan B can be something that can last for one or two years. A legal separation can help secure your financial situation and provide an interim settlement on such things as child support and spousal support.

Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
We cross-posted.

TFC, if your heart and mind are not in sync, take the time you need to get them together. Use your IC as a resource and your girlfriend there you've spoken of before. Talk to family. We'll be here to support you too. You can see the tragedy of wanting something too badly in spite of what your eyes see, right? Orchid's post mentioned that too and, regretfully, Sadmo's thread illustrates the concept. Take your time and sort this out, okay? This is not going to be easy but you WILL get through it, Lady.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Cross-posting again! LOL

She also said this:
Quote
See, we learned to live without him.....yet he never learned to live without us. So even though he had the A, he was more attached to us than we were to him.

We have learned to live without my H, as he is only home about 5 days a month. I think he would be hard pressed to live without us ... or so I'm guessing (he's said a bunch of times that he wants to move, I've said ok, he still hasn't).

I am emotional today ... I'm wearing thin. Too much stress, too little sleep. I will try to sleep well tonight and re-think all this. I suppose I was being a bit rash there.

The "date" concerns me too! We'll just see how it goes. We just had a conversation about the new bank account. He suggested that we move "our" finances to the new bank too. Its still concerning. I am willing to consider a legal separation for Plan B, but he has expressed his determination not to move from the home (even though he says he wants to).

I guess I'm just so confused by all the different signs. He called XOM last night and again this morning ... not sure why and he hasn't told me anything about it. He's being nice, but distant on this trip.

Btw - He just said to me "Well, I thought me coming home for Mother's Day was enough to keep you in a good mood all week!" I just said "I'm in a great mood! What makes you think I'm not?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by time_for_change; 05/11/07 03:56 PM.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Yes, on the emotion thing, it's a highly emotional situation so being on edge is to be expected. I just keep remembering things Grandma used to say and one of them was, "Act in haste, repent in leisure." In my opinion, Grandma was a far better practical psychologist than many actually in that vocation. I miss her.

Hubby wants points for doing what other men would do without even thinking of not being there. That's disconcerting. A crumb is supposed to keep you happy all week? I may be unduly harsh, but I'm not very impressed, particularly when he says it on the same date he sets up a personal banking account.

I'd like others to chime in on this, but I don't recall ever hearing of a BS wanting to have anything personal to do with the XOM. There have been family members who are the XOM and BS's haven't wanted that much to do with them. That relationship will bear watching.

The thing about a legal separation is that he won't have a choice about moving out. The writ will require him to. You need to talk to your attorney, but I think you really need to establish possession of the home in case the worst case scenario plays out. Besides, all of your daughters friends are there, right? BTW, he won't consider moving as long as he's cake eating.

You and your daughter should do something fun tonight. MacDonalds and a movie?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Quote
I just keep remembering things Grandma used to say and one of them was, "Act in haste, repent in leisure." In my opinion, Grandma was a far better practical psychologist than many actually in that vocation. I miss her.

Sounds like your Grandma was a smart lady! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Quote
Hubby wants points for doing what other men would do without even thinking of not being there. That's disconcerting. A crumb is supposed to keep you happy all week? I may be unduly harsh, but I'm not very impressed, particularly when he says it on the same date he sets up a personal banking account.

I agree ... though I'm sure others will think that I am expecting too much. I couldn't believe he said that! Well, on second thought ...

Quote
I'd like others to chime in on this, but I don't recall ever hearing of a BS wanting to have anything personal to do with the XOM. There have been family members who are the XOM and BS's haven't wanted that much to do with them. That relationship will bear watching.

I would like others to chime in here too. Even though XOM was his BF, why the sudden phone calls to him? If he is looking for info on the A, he is talking to the wrong person. I've heard XOM's accounts of the A (via my H), and they are way off base.

Quote
The thing about a legal separation is that he won't have a choice about moving out. The writ will require him to. You need to talk to your attorney, but I think you really need to establish possession of the home in case the worst case scenario plays out. Besides, all of your daughters friends are there, right? BTW, he won't consider moving as long as he's cake eating.

True ... cake-eating spouses are getting their way on all sides of the fence, so why upset the status-quo? And I've already established that I plan on keeping the house in case of D.

Quote
You and your daughter should do something fun tonight. MacDonalds and a movie?

Movie night it is!

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I am putting together a budget right now and going through this years bank statements ... very interesting! In Jan & Feb he spent around $300 on going out (each month, not collectively)! And, just before he went out of town once at the end of March, he told me that his mom gave him $200 ... guess what? She gave him $500! How about that? Wondering if I should confront on this?

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,463
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,463
HI, I'm not familiar with your post but JMO, I would keep that under raps...if you're in Plan A and are planning to go to B...this would not be good...

Like Bugs and a few others you want to move into Plan B with a bang, so he'll remember it!


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Strivn - Thanks for coming over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Are you saying wait until I go into Plan B to bring this up, or don't bring it up at all?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Should you go into Plan B you need to go completely dark and quiet on him. Suddenly and Surprisingly.

If you confront him on the money he will deny it anyway. It looks like a no win to me.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
He will deny it, but the proof is in the bank statement. So, since I know the truth, no need to ask right?

If you are in Plan B, how did you know when to begin? I am struggling with the mind-heart sync thing that Orchid speaks of. And I have that icky A of my own hanging over my head ... which I think to some means that I have no reason to Plan B my H. But his A is over (as far as I can tell) and he's still not showing any real signs of deciding to be in a M.

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,463
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,463
No, just be quite about it...should you decide to D later, you can use this info...I was reading about an hour ago how the money used to buy things for OP can be reimbursed to the BS during the D process...

Keep that under your hat...I recommend gathering as much info as you can now...you never know when you may need it! Make copies now, and hide them...


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Quote
Orchid once said:
Quote
The heart on the other hand often does NOT want to believe the one who loved and protected the family has now become enemy #1. Denial often resides in the heart and there in lies the internal war.

How often have you said during this journey..... 'I know what I s/b doing but I am not ready t/d it (i.e. plan A, B or D), yet.' Or somethng similar. Comments like these show the mind and heart are NOT in sync.

Making life changing decisions while in this disconnected state of mind is dangerous. Some BS' give away what rightfully belongs to the family and in some cases it has devastated them.

My head and heart are NOT in sync! I am not ready to "move on" with or without my H. I have tried to feel this way, but can't. I also do not WANT to move on with or without my H. I want him as my H, but I have no control over this. I think that this is what is keeping me from setting boundaries. I want him to be my H so bad, that I'll accept just about anything even though I know I shouldn't!

Then u gotta be patient. If you wait, it will come. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pray for that clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. You can't rush how you feel.

The scary piece is once a BS gets to that point it is the WS that is in danger of losing everything.

L.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I suppose that emotions are running high for me this week. I didn't sleep well again last night! I woke up this morning very upset and angry ... angry about the calls to XOM, angry about the new bank account, angry that he thought coming home early would "keep [me] in a good mood all week" - well, you get the point. He has distanced himself and is acting peculiar.

Orchid - I'm thinking that in order to prevent getting angry with him, I need to babble back? Will you help me out? Here are 2 times I wish I could've babbled back, instead of biting my tongue:

1 - Yesterday he opened that bank account. After a while, I asked him why didn't he just overnight the checks to me instead of opening a new account. His response? "This way I don't get [you-know-what] on the road again". All I could think was - YOU? What about us?

2 - Also, he has been calling DD less and less. Yesterday he decided to call several times instead of the just one time a day he had been. DD was really pissy about Daddy being out of town and them not talking as much. So, he says to me "I think she's upset because I've been calling so much" ... WHAT!?! Why on earth would you think that!?! She's been used to you calling her every couple of hours on all of your trips until recently, and now once a day is supposed to make her happy?

Last edited by time_for_change; 05/12/07 04:04 PM.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
What I expect in a marriage:
I expect quality time spent alone with me.
I expect quality time spent with our daughter.
I expect marriage counseling for at least 3 months.
I expect full-transparency about all financial matters.
I expect returning to the home immediately after all business in town, and to the hotel after all business out of town. (Out of town trips – I must be able to contact you at any given point. You must be reachable at the location you are staying – specifically a hotel.)
I expect most in-town work to be done during the day to allow for more family time.
I expect all personal contact with females to cease immediately.
I expect all business contact with women to be disclosed within the day, with information about the conversations.
I won’t accept dishonesty about finances.
I won’t accept lack of information about daily activities.
I won’t accept independent behaviors.

How am I doing? Is all this reasonable? Or am I off my rocker?

Last edited by time_for_change; 05/12/07 12:56 PM.
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,463
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,463
Quote
I expect full-transparency about all financial matters.

How about full transparency period? That will eliminate the need for these...What about Open and honesty? POJA?

Quote
I expect all personal contact with females to cease immediately.
I expect all business contact with women to be disclosed within the day, with information about the conversations.
I won’t accept dishonesty about finances.
I won’t accept lack of information about daily activities.


Just me thinkin'... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
I wanted to be as specific as possible ... H tends to twist things to suit him. But I "hear" what you're sayin'!

I want to let him know that I expect my HUSBAND home tomorrow ... NOT the person he's been this week! The person he's been this week isn't wanted in our home. Is that a reasonable request?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
Well, H is very independent these days ... new bank account, distancing from DD, distancing from his parents & sister, distancing himself from me, not answering phone calls, etc. So, he's either hiding contact really well, or just still has wayward mentality.

Orchid -

In a post of yours, you talked about how you asked your H to identify himself as H or WH. Although my H is no longer a WH, he still has that mentality. I want my H home. How did you get him to do this? What did that conversation sound like?

Last edited by time_for_change; 05/12/07 10:07 PM.
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Quote
Well, H is very independent these days ... new bank account, distancing from DD, distancing from his parents & sister, distancing himself from me, not answering phone calls, etc. So, he's either hiding contact really well, or just still has wayward mentality.

Orchid -

In a post of yours, you talked about how you asked your H to identify himself as H or WH. Although my H is no longer a WH, he still has that mentality. I want my H home. How did you get him to do this? What did that conversation sound like?

Your H still has the WS mindset. This means he is still a Ws, just keeping his pants on....still a bad creature to have in your home.

when mine was like that, I refused to communicate with him when he acted as a WS. I call it plan A your spouse but plan B the Ws. This isn't an MB sanctioned idea. It was what I used to help me. It worked for me.

The WS can manifest itself at any given time. Even in the middle of a sentence, I have seen the Ws morph back. Scary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I practiced learned how to detect the WS from H. It wasn't as hard as I thought. Reverse babble helped me.

I will post more later.

L.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
He came home yesterday as WH ... "its all about ME"! I sort of just ignored him when he was being that way. But when my H would show his pretty face, I would interact very positively. By the end of the day, he was my H for the rest of the night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He mentioned that his new bank account couldn't be a joint account because (obviously) I wasn't with him when he opened it, but we could make it as such. So, I'm wondering if I should see which day we can take care of that this week?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 681
He doesn't want to add me to his new account ... and he lied about how much money was in it. Then tonight he asks me why I seem so nervous about his upcoming trip. I told him that it was because of the debauchery from the last time he was there ... he said he understood and that nothing like that would ever happen again.

There are so many mixed signals he sends that I don't know what to think. I need to not feel like I'm going crazy. I know that if I go into Plan B, it will ruin our chances - he will say that I gave up on it. And I really don't want to do Plan B. How long should I wait for him to decide whether or not to give this M a shot? I know I need to be patient, but shouldn't a decision be made sometime in the near future?

Page 28 of 45 1 2 26 27 28 29 30 44 45

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 188 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Comfortable Shoe, Sourdine, Abela Laye, Ardent Center, Lost@1969
71,846 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5