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Its my fault! I posted something and then deleted it ... LOL~

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Oh? That's still a curious way for a server to process information. No matter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Well, H picked a therapist ... I picked 3 and he chose the one he thought would be best. We have an appt this Friday. Luckily I have one with my IC right before it, so I can work out some things before going.

So, now what do I do?

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I think you prepare yourself for the MC by going over the things you need to happen for recovery...i.e., the things Dr. Harley recommends in SAA. Review the "Four Rules To Guide Marital Recovery" he sets out, beginning on page 87 in that text. You have boundaries and you want to be included on family decisions rather than him announcing them to you. In other words, POJA should be the rule.

Also, I think you should also prepare yourself for your WH to use at least the initial sessions to unload a lot of frustration and pain. Remember, your marriage has not even slightly recovered from your affair and the reasons for it may need to be resolved before you, as a couple, can begin working on the issues relating to his.

Hang in there through the anger. You've done very well just to get him to agree to MC. Stay patient through the first few encounters and I think you'll be well rewarded in the end.

LH

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I must admit to being nervous. There are so many things to resolve, and I know that the first session won't resolve much. I need to re-examine my boundaries ...

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The first session is generally a "get to know each other" thing. The MC may ask you to complete some questionnaires to get back to him or her and have some quiet conversation with you two to determine where you both stand on some key issues. Be ready for some very searching questions. Prepare yourself by knowing what you want from the counseling and from the marriage.

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So, I'm making a list of what I think we need to work on (in no particular order), let me know if you think there's anything I should add or delete:


Opposite sex friendships
Undivided attention
Pornography vs. sex
Banding together to create an unbreakable team
Opening up – more conversation
Career influences on personal life
Cohesive planning – lack of independent behaviors
Prioritizing – marriage first
Complementing one another
Building trust
Listening
Creating new memories to replace tainted ones
Giving/Taking
Financial honesty
Policy of Joint Agreement

Last edited by time_for_change; 06/27/07 07:31 AM.
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Off the top of my head, I can't think of anything to add and the ones you've listed will surely be plenty to get the ball rolling. More items will come to the surface as you get more involved in the process.

Have you noticed how many of the things on your list could be grouped under a general heading of "better communication?"

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Yes ... that has always been a problem with us! Trust is another one that several can be lumped into. Basically, we need to get our M on the same page! LOL

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Yep. And the open forum a good MC will set up can facilitate that.

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OW may be at a function we are going to tonight ... this will be my first non-family (meaning kids allowed) function in 6 months! H told me he thought she might come to try to make him jealous ... which won't work. He said it will be very uncomfortable having her there and that we needn't plan on speaking to her (like I was gonna!). I told him that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving early if she was there, he said he understood. But he never said he'd leave with me ... which is what I would've preferred. This isn't something I thought would come up anytime soon. Any suggestions?

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Frankly, just don't leave the event, however boring and tedious it might become. You haven't been to your first MC session and it hasn't occurred to your WH yet that HE needs to think about such things. It's an illustration of several of your points above to bring up with your MC.

I wouldn't bother confronting her. It's been my experience such confrontations seldom accomplish anything and can too easily descend into unpleasantness for all concerned. She already knows she did wrong, and did it knowing WH was married. She has no sense of honor or integrity and you're not going to be able to instill any in her. That you're there with your husband and smiling in your happiness will send a far stronger message to OW than any words you could devise.

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I never had any intentions of speaking to her or trying to teach her what she did wrong. My H says she's told mutual friends that she was just being a good friend (wow!) and can't believe he would be so weak as to get sucked back into a manipulative and destructive relationship. Considering she doesn't know me hardly at all, nor does she know anything about my M (pre- or post- affiar), and that she thinks married men spend the night with their female "friends" - I figured it would be useless to talk to her. Besides that, I just don't have anything nice to say - and my mom always said to keep my mouth shut if I didn't have anything nice to say to strangers.

Just talked to my H. It has been planned that I will leave early to get DD from the sitter while he stays out with friends. He concluded that IF she is there, he will leave when I do to go elsewhere. Decent compromise, right?

Last edited by time_for_change; 06/27/07 03:12 PM.
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Sounds good to me. POJA-like, even.

And mom was right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Thank goodness she didn't show up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But it was a little awkward being out. And its weird that I won't be at his b-day event ... but oh well. Things are just weird right now I suppose.

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Take it one day at a time, TFC. Tomorrow should be a very interesting day.

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Its been awful hard to keep going like this ... I am sick of feeling like things are hopeless. But I know that he's trying and the efforts that are being made are HUGE compared to before. It just sucks b/c he has a "we'll see" attitude and I wanted to go into MC with a "we'll make it work no matter what" attitude. Maybe one day we'll be on the same page ...

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We had MC today. It went well and we both like the doc. So, we've set up our next 2 appointments. Wish us luck!

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Outstanding! My thoughts are with you and your husband.

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Thanks ... we need all the thoughts and prayers we can get! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now that we are finally on the actual road to recovery things are improving. Slowly but surely. And the more time we spend together, the better. H won't be traveling as much this month, so we've planned a good bit of time together and then next month DD & I are meeting up with him for a vacation! YAY!

So, since things are getting better and I've been seen at 1 public function, do I push my luck and ask about the b-day event too? Or do I just shut-up and let him ask me if he wants me there?

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