If you've been going to those events in past years, I would ask, or bring it up in MC. When's your next session?

I have always gone to these events, until about 6 mos ago. There have been a couple of pretty major events I've missed and we didn't spend our anniversary together. So, missing this too would be a big deal to me ... especially since we're trying to revive this M. Or I could try to see it as just another event missed due to the consequences of my A. (I guess his A has no consequences since it was retaliatory?)

Our next session isn't until after the event, and I didn't think it wasn't particularly appropriate to bring it up in our 1st session. But basically, for me, not being invited would be a HUGE setback in our recovery. It is my belief and opinion that if we are going to pull through this together, we should be doing things like this together. Am I off-base?

I don't think you're not off base at all. If you accept it without protest, you're cooperating with your husband's attempts to isolate you -- to put you off to one side -- while he immerses himself in a single lifestyle. Now...if he's planning it as a "guys only" party of some kind, and if he’s excluding all the wives/girlfriends of the other men invited, then I could see it. (I don't know how something like that would go -- it couldn't be a "bachelor party" kind of thing for it to be acceptable, but perhaps we need more information?)

Nope - its no all-male thing ... its an invite everyone he's ever known thing ... except the wife. And he's not budging on it!

More input needed. Perhaps this is a good time to do another thread on this one specific issue? Frankly, I'm the confrontational sort. Were I you, I'd go anyway and let him deal with it.

Yeah - I'm hesitant to ask for help on a new thread again.

I thought about going anyway, but then I'd just be ignored in public. I want us to re-establish our presence as a couple at this party, but if he doesn't then I'll just be embarrassed. Make sense?

my opinion is that you should bring it up in counseling. He may be embarassed to bring you...heck, others may not even know that he is trying to work things out with you.
bottom line is, he doesn't have to let you be there... BUT if he is truly committed to making this work, you should be invited.

MEDC

if you "just go anyway" that will likely be a huge LB and could set your recovery back to zero. It is his party and it is his choice to have you there or not.

I thought about going anyway - but I wouldn't dare. I realize its his choice to have me there or not, but I just think that if he's serious about recovery I should be. But you're right, it is his choice.

He swears his A never got physical, but he spent the night with her on several occasions.

My problem is that I don't believe him ... I don't believe for a second that it never got physical. I have this strange gut feeling that it didn't remain an EA only.

Is this something that I have to accept that I just may never know?

I think it's something he may not admit right now. Were I you, I'd save it for discussion when recovery is more advanced and perhaps in front of the MC.

We need MC like every day right now - LOL! There is so much going on that I can't even talk about on here! I am almost out of love and I want it back! I don't know what to do ...

Things are happening that tend to make you think WH isn't using MC for recovering, but to use as a later validation of something else?

When is the next MC session?

We aren't going to MC every day, but I wish we were - that's what I meant. And by "so much going on right now", I meant that there are so many things I'm finding out each and every day that I can't even mention here. And they're recent ... and I'm just so drained.

Next MC is him alone and then me alone - in 2 weeks! (Our MC is on vacation - dammit!)

I don't know what to say, TFC. Are these things your husband is confessing to you or events he's kept secret and you're getting word of them through other sources?

He's kept it all secret, but I'm finding out anyway. He said the other day that I should become a private detective. Probably true. He doesn't really fess up to much - he twists and turns it all to make it out like its nothing and that I'm overreacting (which I don't think I am).

I've thought it out quite a bit. Here's something I want to work out in MC:
He has 1 location, 1 man to have negative feelings/thoughts about ... I have almost the entire SE United States + California to worry about.

I'm not saying ones worse than the other, I'm just saying that I think I'm going to have a hard time getting past all that!

That's classic gaslighting.


This is a very important thing to work out in MC. Frankly, I think it's something your WH needs to hear from you in a deadly serious tone of voice. BTW, have you ever asked him if he has any idea why you had an affair?

We've discussed the reasons for my affair, but he's really only heard bits and pieces of it. He thinks I've blamed him for my A. When I spoke with SH, we discussed the appropriate way to discuss my A with him, and I've followed his advice to the letter. I wanted to be sure that my H didn't think I was blaming him for my choices. But he thinks that anyway - he basically only heard that my needs weren't met and didn't really listen to anything before or after that.

What a pity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He runs away from the one realization that would do him the most good. Was there anything in what SH said regarding a plan to get WH to sit down and do some deep introspection?

At the time we met with SH, H was completely tuned out ... remember he was texting OW the entire session? So, now maybe our new MC can help. But I'm not certain of that either.

Yesterday, I got a "bye, love you" on the phone for the first time in over 6 months! It was great! However, that was in the afternoon. At night, I got this whole thing about how he was already sick of trying at this M (its been around a week) and that he knows he should want me at his b-day, but he really doesn't b/c he can't be himself around me (not sure why). That what we have isn't a M. (I agree.) I told him that from my POV, it seems like what he wants from a M is someone who will sit back and not say anything about anything - just take care of the house and kid and accept what affection she's given whenever it comes her way. He agreed that that may very well be his idea of M - and I told him that he wasn't likely to find that anywhere, women need affection and respect ... it just isn't a M to never get anything in return.

How do you go from "love you" to "I don't see how this will ever work, I'm happier without you" in 1 day? Which is it? Do you love me or do you not want to be with me? He thinks that I expect him to "get over it" - I've explained on so many different occasions that I don't! The only thing I've asked is that he try ... and well, he's sick of trying after 6 days!!!!

I think we're doomed ...