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Its amazing what a difference a week makes when he really wants things to work ...

My H is back! He is a HUSBAND again! He is trying harder than ever before at making things work. "I love you" has come back into the picture (though not as often) and so have kisses, hugs, flirting, etc. We are FRIENDS again! He is making serious changes right now - he wants to quit partying so much to be a better H and father; he wants to "grow up" (his words); he wants our M! He even said that we belong together. And all evidence supports his new ways! So far, so good.

There are still a LOT of issues to work out, but it seems much easier when things are better in the M.

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That is good to hear. What do you think brought on the sudden change?

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Besides the OW making a complete idiot of herself and saying ugly things about my H? Seriously, she has really made herself look bad, and I have handled it with grace and dignity - gently taking my H side without really name-calling (well, maybe one or two, but not too mean). He's also spent more time at home and with me, so I think in a way he sees that when he puts in a little effort he gets a WHOLE LOT back from all of us (DD is especially loving to him when he puts time into the M). And he suggested the MC - I think that he had to be the one to bring it up, to want to fix things, to realize that what we have is bigger than all the mess we've created ... he just had to open his eyes and spend some time at home to get it. It may not have all happened the MB way, but my H has never been good about going by the book - LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We have our individual therapy sessions with MC today and tomorrow. He jokingly said, "Are you sure you want to go? We've been doing so good, I'd hate to mess that up!" But obviously, we're keeping our sessions as planned. Since the basics of friendship and kindness are back, we can now focus on fixing the bigger problems and creating a stronger marriage!

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Excellent news, TFC. Keep up the good work.

Actually, I think you've used MB all along (in particular, using Pepperband's Plan A procedures, and a judicious application of 180 techniques) to help you deal with this whole thing. You set your boundaries and enforced them, increasing your WH’s respect for you. Respect is always a good thing, and the lack thereof leads to poor choices by both partners, does it not? At the same time, you made yourself into a more satisfactory option by avoiding LBs and by being the alert, intelligent, attractive woman he married. In other words, you met his ENs a lot better than any of the OW ever could. Is that not part and parcel of Dr. Harley’s program?

The result has been the creation of stress in the fantasy world and made your WH understand it's you he needs to be with. Put another way, your application of Plan A forced the OW into a situation where she couldn’t help herself but strike out. Her LBs generated pressure and resulted in cracks in the fantasy. After that, the other side of Plan A (making your WH see how good a spouse you are) made his reaction all but inevitable.

What part of MB principles do you not see at work in your husband’s turnaround? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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I suppose you are right ... I got blasted a lot on here for not being patient enough or following the MB principles to the letter. I am just glad that he came around ... I suppose that's all I can say!

I always knew that I was a better option for him than any OW, but he had to see that - I suppose I did a decent-enough job of showing him.

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MB principles aren't a straight jacket. They're guides to help you focus on what you need to do. Patience? Hmmmmmmm Yeah, that might be something you could work on. (On the other hand, couldn't we all?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, you did show him. It seems to me you’re being unduly critical of yourself. My goodness, don't look for perfection in such things. What you're going through is highly volatile because of the intense emotions involved. Every step you took in the minefield getting to this point had the potential for something to blow up in your face and a few missteps aren't critical in the long term. I think you’ve done pretty darn well. Keep up the good work and be ready for a step backward from time to time, okay?

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I thought after his individual session with the MC today, we'd have a setback for sure ... but not at all! I was excited to see that he used his time to get the things out that he needed to, but didn't let them affect us at home. I'm trying to be prepared for one soon, but it I have to admit it will be hard to deal with one after such a great week!

Thanks for checking in on me ... I'll keep you posted! (Keep your fingers crossed for us!)

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I've got my fingers crossed, and even my eyes too for y'all, TFC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Longhorn #1830500 07/23/07 11:38 AM
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Well, I met with our MC individually last week, H did as well. I've been in IC for almost 7 months figuring through all this and working on myself. After about 30 mins with MC Q&A re: my affair, our MC looks at me and says "Well, this seems to be basic Mars & Venus stuff ..." Don't quite know what to make of that.

But the good news is that my H is a better H now than ever before ... we are both really trying at this and I am sooooooo happy. The upcoming vacation should help matters too. And we're even planning a date night soon! YAY!

TFCchanged4good #1830501 07/23/07 06:04 PM
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Remind your MC the writer of that "Men Are From Mars...etc.," stuff has been exposed pretty much as a fraud. Apparently, the college he graduated from is one of those that you can get a diploma from by mailing in a check of suitable size. See more information HERE .

You're making good progress. Kudos, lady.

Longhorn #1830502 07/24/07 07:36 PM
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He's really good so far (the MC) ... but that comment pretty much pissed me off. I didn't cheat on my husband over Mars vs. Venus stuff - I didn't keep boundaries up when I was vulnerable due to a lack of affection and attention at home. I know it isn't "average" to feel like your H doesn't even love you ...

Our next session is a couple of weeks off - which is fine by me. We've been getting along really well, working on the M, communicating more and better, and the "I love you" is back in our M. So, we have about a week and a half and then we're on vacation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

H wants to replace his wedding band with a new one ... but wants to wait until it really means something. He jokingly suggested while we were on vacation, but I think it might be a good idea to wait until he's really ready. We'll see!

Things are certainly much better, that's about all I could hope for!

TFCchanged4good #1830503 07/25/07 11:06 AM
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Excellent. Good to hear he's finally committed.

Longhorn #1830504 07/30/07 01:45 PM
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Time to check in, lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How're things going?

Longhorn #1830505 08/01/07 03:13 PM
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Phenomenal! I have not one complaint ... this is the marriage that I always wanted! We are falling in love again, working hard at EVERY aspect of the marriage, and putting our marriage first. There is honesty and kindness, love and concern, time and attention. The "I love you" and "Thank you" is prevalent and plentiful!

We still have plenty of issues to work through, but its a helluva lot easier when there is such a great feeling attached to the future of the marriage.

We are looking forward to vacation starting Saturday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TFCchanged4good #1830506 08/01/07 03:34 PM
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Excellent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Longhorn #1830507 08/01/07 09:05 PM
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Isn't that exciting? I can't believe we're finally at this point after how this year started off! It took over 6 months to bring him around, but he's here and better than ever!

TFCchanged4good #1830508 08/01/07 09:10 PM
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That's great, lady. So very glad it's working out.

Longhorn #1830509 08/10/07 06:29 PM
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We just got back from a great vacation! Couldn't be happier! We've gotten along fabulously and had the best time! This vacation might rank up there with our wedding/honeymoon! Don't know what else I can say, but YAY!

Hope y'all are doing well too!


Happily Recovered from Double Infidelity! \:\)
DD1[about to turn 7]
DD2[due at X-mas]
TFCchanged4good #1830510 08/13/07 11:44 AM
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Excellent news, lady. So very glad to hear it. Sorry for not responding earlier but I was away on a camping trip myself.

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So, the last couple of month have been going pretty good. We communicate much better and are more open to suggestions from one another. I am proud to say that I don't think I'm always right anymore, and I apologize when I know I'm wrong or have hurt his feelings (something that rarely ever happened before). He's made great strides and I'm proud of how far we've come. We've been doing great, with very few exceptions. Those exceptions are what bring me back here ...

The other day, he changed all his passwords! To me that means he's hiding something. To him it means he was tired of me being nosy and wanted privacy. It bothers me a lot. And it bothers me even more knowing that he added an ex-girlfriend to his page on one of those networking sites without telling me. Granted she's married now, but still ... its a breeding ground for an affair!

He still isn't wearing a wedding band. I asked him about it last night, and he had the right answer (as usual) but probably won't follow through. I'd believe that he would follow through had we not already had this discussion a couple of times and there have been no indications of follow through thus far.

And he's back to traveling a lot, which is fine. But before he started up again, we talked about what I needed while he was gone so that I felt important and loved instead of neglected. We talked about it and I gave very direct examples of what I would like. Its not much, and they aren't way-out, off-the-wall things. Yet he doesn't do them. I'm not sure if its that he doesn't care, or if he just forgets. Either way, its not a good sign to me.

So I'm a little lost right now, and really questioning some things. I want to be married to this man so badly, but I want it to be a marriage that makes both of us happy. Right now, I'm lonely all over again.

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