My girlfriend and I 21 and 23 years old respectively were engaged about a month ago. We come from religious backgrounds where we believe that we should abstain from sex before marriage. A few weeks ago my fiancee told me that she was in a long term sexual relationship before she met me. Now i cannot stop feeling horrible. I find it almost unbearable to know that someone else knows the most hidden parts of my soon to be spouse, I feel cheated. I feel as though I've been robbed of something that should only belong to us. I actually feel violated by sharing her with another person, even if it happened a long time ago. Please give me some advince on dealing with this situation. I feel so horrible I am actually considering calling off the marriage.

You are in a difficult situation. It can be very hard to come to grips with the truth. Have you fully reviewed Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? This revelation would most likely be categorized under Radical Honesty. Would you rather that she is totally truthful with you, or should she keep secrets from you to save your feelings? You may find that if both of you sit down and fill out the questionnaires that are availble on this site, you will find out a lot about each other. I highly suggest that you don't walk away and give up because someone was honest. Work on it, use Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, take the questionnaires, talk to each other and have a real productive conversation. You obviously saw something amazing in this person if you chose to make plans to get married. She can't know how you feel unless you can calmly and rationally discuss your feelings. She is probably completely mystified in your current mood and why it is such a major event that she shared her past - unless you have talked. If you need to postpone the marriage so you can talk about this, do that. Then, cancel the wedding if that is the only recourse for you both.

Hi MisterG,


I understand where you're coming from.But I would also ask if you had already agreed,both of you,that you would abstain from sex before marriage or that you just assumed she would based on your religious beliefs? There is a big difference there in my mind.

The horrible feelings stem from the fact that you had these specific expectations that just weren't reality and so finding out about your fiances past has crushed that for you ( assuming she didn't lie to you).And you have to ask yourself,is it just that your fiance has been with another man and isn't "pure" or that you truly did want to have the first sexual experience with your soon to be wife?

In any event,you both should talk about your feelings and expectations for marriage.I am not suggesting you should end the marriage.In fact,you still could have a wonderful relationship depending on just how strict you are about the presumed ideals.

Give yourself some time to process this too ok? Of course you are hurt now but you may be able to open up and discuss what the future holds for you.I understand the pain.In a way,it's a bit like what we go through here in dealing with adultery.We were promised to one another,through our marriage vows,to be there for one another,for better for worse,etc.And having your spouse go out and commit adultery with another person,one of the most,if not the most,intimate acts two people can share,is truly horrific and painful.But the difference is that your fiance had this relationship with another guy long before she met you.

Talk it out ok? Hopefully there are many other great qulaities about your fiance that drew you to her and that can be the focus.