Me and my wife have been married for 9 months. She still says she loves me. I found out that she had an affair with her boss at work. She says she only slept with him once, but they had a romantic relationship that lasted at least 2 months. It started on around November 20th 2006 and I found out about it in late January. She told me she isn't in love with him and she only wants to be friends with him. She told me that she needs time to think about everything so I bought her a plane ticket to go to her parents. She still tells me that she loves me and we still talk about our future together. I am in the military and I had to go away for a few weeks after she got back. While she was with her parents and for the 2 weeks after she got back home, her and her boss still talk on the phone about 5 times a day. A lot for only 1 minute, long enough to say 'I dont wanna talk' or the worst case 'Meet me somewhere' Her talking to him makes my heart hurt and I am very much in love with her. I never tell her what she can and can't do but I wish I could say never see or talk to him again. Her boss is a worthless human being and he would tell her anything that she wanted to hear to get between our marriage. I know what kind of a person she is and she would never have done what she did if she was being herself. She has told me details of the night she slept with him and it was a night we had an arguement and she went to the bar to cool off, she got drunk and he showed up. I don't know what to do, so far talk with her about seeing a counseler isn't going well, she says that she knows what they are going to say. She thinks they are going to tell her she did the wrong thing. I did a background check on her boss and as I suspected, he is the dirtbag that I figured, He is a convicted criminal and everything he does is something that she doensn't like. He is the complete opposite of me. When our friends found out about what she did they confronted her and told her that what she was doing wasn't right. Since then she hasn't talked to any of them and the only people that she thinks are her friends are people who dont know or the man she had the affair with. I am still away from home right now and I am having a hard time not knowing who she is around and who is being an influence on her, all I know is she still talks to the one person that came between us and he still wants nothing more than to ruin our marriage. I dont know how to make her see that she is on a path to ruin the life she has and I know she wont be happy with her life when she looks and see what she is becoming. I care about her a lot, and I want to be with my wife, but the worst thing is seeing her lose the people who care about her and feel comforted by people who only care about themselves. Help me please... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Should I contact the other man?
It might make things worse for her at work

She doesn't want to quit her job because they keep talking to her about her being a manager. Should I tell her to quit her job?

The other man keeps calling her and sending her IM's early in the morning. Do I tell her to say something to him to have it stop?


I am not a patient person and the time away from her for the last 3 weeks have been hard. The hardest part is not knowing if she is still seeing him in a romantic capacity. I know she still sees him at work, but this weeked she went to the beach with a bunch of friends... I called her work to see if her boss was there anonymously. He took the day off too. Did he go with her? I don't know. Do I ask her? Is she going to think I don't trust her if I do?

I can't see her face to face and I don't want to confront her about anything over the phone. She see's him as a friend and if she argued with me, I believe she would ask his advice and he would take advantage of the situation (just like he did when we fought the first time). I get home on Thursday night and she will probably be at work. I will see her when she gets off late, midnight or so. What do I do?? Do I come home and go to bed? Do I greet her at the door? Do I give her the things I brought for her from Florida? Do I try not to be there? I am still so confused and I have been for a long time now...

Hi LoveOfMar,

Welcome to MB. I'm relatively new, too but I wanted to tell you not to give up.....it's always slow on the weekends. You might post on the GQII boards, too as many more are cruising that forum verses Just Found Out.

Take time to read the info on the MB web site as well as these forums. Get Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley to prepare yourself for when you return home Thurs.

Keep reading and folks will respond with ideas. If I knew how to make things black and white I would but every sitch (situation) is different. Again, welcome.

Ace

If you guys don't have kids I would strongly urge you to get this marriage annulled and move on with your life. You hadn't even been married a year and she was already cheating on you. What will happen the next time you have a fight?

You can spend years and thousands of dollars to try to recover this marriage...and maybe still always wonder about her...or you can walk away now and find someone who isn't broken in a fundamental way.

LOM
Sorry that you are here. Please read as much as you can and buy a copy of Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and Love Must be Tough.

Regarding the situation at hand it seems to me that exposure to your in laws, the other man's wife, their workplace, your church, your friends, and anyone else that can make a difference would be in order. You can see that the initial exposure had an affect on her in her avoidance of the friends that already know.

After the initial exposure, snoop and Plan A her. You need to stay away from LB (Love Busters) and DJ (Disrespectful Judgments) and focus on meeting her emotional needs.

It's a long road if you choose to take it. As the previous poster said, it may be better to cut your losses at this point if there are no children.

LovofMar,

Ok, you want black and white, here it is. If she is still seeing him at work, if she is calling him 5 times a day, then she is still in an affair. It may not be physical, but it sure is emotional, and you will come to find out an emotional affair especially for a woman, is really harder to end than a physical one.

Frankly, given the shortness of the marriage and the fact that no kids are involved, I would suggest that you strongly consider divorce. She has NOT accepted her role in this affair, and she has not accepted the damage done to you and the marriage. Even Dr. Harley counsels that it is often far better to end a marriage now (with no children and short term) than try to save it. You really have not had time to mess up in this marriage, and she is still finding someone else to bestow her love upon. The woman has issues with her morals, her promises, and her love for you.

If you decide to fight it, please read about plan A, plan B, and the concepts of the love bank and needs. But, trust this is you trust nothing else. Her decision to have this affair had NOTHING to do with you or you having an arguement. This was HER decision to cross her boundaries and violate HER vows. She did NOT ask you for your opinion of her having an affair, and you were not given a vote.

In short, she decided to have an affair and all she is doing is looking for excuses to justify it. Have you notified her parents about this affair. Have you gone over the bosses head and notified HIS bosses about the affair? You might want to consider IF you decide to try and save the marriage, but in reality, you should leave it.

I was in the military and grew up in it. Having a W you cannot trust when you are away is the worst type of HE$$ one can be in AND it also risks other peoples lives. There are better women out there, and there are trustworthy women out there.

Please think about this. If you decide to save the marriage, the people here will help you. But, really think about ending this thing now. I know it will hurt to do it, I know you love her, and I know you want to honor your vows. But, the vows of this marriage have been broken, and her affair continues.

Trust me on this until she has no contact, NC, with the OM, there is NO CHANCE you will recover the marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Tell her to quit her job. She can find another job. I had a situation JUST like the one your wife is in, I am a woman, who worked with nothing but other men, including a "boss". We were intimate, my husband suspected, but the "money" my job provided, in my mind, was more important to him than the affair his wife (me) was having with her boss. It didn't stop there either. I am the one that finally left the job, to go to another position, and would have given ANYTHING for my husband to have DEMANDED that I quit the previous job...just being suspicious he should have made me quit. He never did though, and although my husband and I are still currently married and together, I can't say how long it will last. When I realized that the money seemed more important to my husband than a possible (definite) affair, it made me angry. It then got to the point that even if he had suddenly demanded I quit, I would'nt have, just because of the work place romance. I, on my own, decided to leave the job to go elsewhere, partly because of a better offer, but MOSTLY to distance myself from the adulterous relationship...it hasn't helped a lot, but I'm trying....I meant it, and I speak from EXPERIENCE...MAKE her quit, even if you have to live on welfare! NO excuse is good enough IF you want to save your marriage...at this point, I'm not sure mine can be saved....but call her, NOW, tell her, NO MATTER WHAT, she MUST quit her job, absolutely NO contact with the other man should be allowed. IF you value your marraige, and she does too, then YOU need to put yur foot down, I wanted my husband to make me quit my job....but, sadly he did not, and we are still struggling through a now 20 year marriage, that I'm not sure CAN be saved. I am in her (your wife's) place, and I am telling you, as her husband do whatever you have to do, but tell her to quit the job. Period, no if's and's or but's about it. No reason is good enough at this point for her to remain in that job...no reason. Nada....nothing...nothing will do except total severance of all ties that bind her there. TELL HER TO QUIT....