This was original post on jan 11th 07.
Hi. This is my first post and i guess i am looking for advice from others who have been in this position.
Here goes....i have been married since 1996 and going with my wife since 93. However she was 16 when we first started dating. We have a good life together, both employed. We own our own home but as yet have no children. My life was turned upside down last week when i found out that she had been communicating with another man. I looked at her SMS messages and there was one from a guy saying he loved her and must make them happen. Her reply was love you xxx.
When confronted she explained that she has not been happy in the marriage for a couple of years and this happenned while away with some other girls in may 2005 on a hen night. She kissed him, exchanged numbers and they sometimes exchanged texts but in the last two months things had intensified and she had fallen for him. This guy lives 200 miles away. No physical contact has been made.
She tells me show doesn't love me anymore but does care very deeply for me. A week later after many tears we are still together sharing a bed and kiss and cuddle at night time before we sleep. However she will not commit herself to leaving or staying. I am so confused, i do love her and need her. I am guilty of neglect and complacency so i am no angel. I am now trying to make amends but am so worried by this. Please advise
Update
My wife moved out to go to her fathers place on jan 14th. We still see each other regularly and am currently in progress of selling marital home and she has opened a seperate bank account. I feel it has all gone. I need to advice to stop it all before we do reach the point of no return. No contact with OM and she still wears her wedding ring and we still share kiss and cuddle when we see each other. Please help i'm so confused and am 100% still in love with her, but alas she no longer feels the same. HELP!!

Start with Exposure
Plan A
Have you read the Infidelity FAQ's here?

Hi Bigkahuna, thanks for the reply. Everyone knows about the EA and it has ended. She has had no contact since early jan. Its more of an advice thing as what to do next i have tried to listen but keep ending up in tears. I plead for her to come home and try for 3-6 months and then we'll know. 3-6 months is a short time in a lifetime for such a life changing decision! We text and talk alot but i normally tell her i love and need her, is this pushing her away due to the guilt thing etc. Sorry if this is all scrambled up but i am so confused. Is there a way to get her to try as i know we are good together. She agrees and told me that she thought we'd be together for life. Is no contact with her the key, give her time to miss me. But i feel this would tear us further apart as its going to seem like i've accepted our demise and made her choice easier. I sorely miss her which no doubt is a standard human condition but i feel there is still something there and i am willing to fight tooth and nail to find a way to her heart again and be a great husband. Sorry to drag on but it is so important to me and would appreciate your or others comments. Especially those who have been thru such a situation, male or female. Please reply guys, i need you all. Thanks again

first things first..... are both of you practicing christians?

if so God says where two or more are gathered I will be there..... you need to start praying for you, your marriage, and the gift God gave you! Not only by yourself, but you need to be praying with someone else too.... ie a pastor or strong christian friend.

What I would say for you to do is call her and tell her that you have made a commitment to pray for your marriage and get down on your face and do it! Let God see your sincere heart..... Dont contact her for a few days... maybe even a week..... just focus on prayer and spending time with God and his word.... he will give you the path you need to follow, but you have to be willing to give it all to him....... have you heard that saying if you let something go if it is ment to be yours it will come back..... take that approach and sit in Gods lap and let him fill your needs right now.....

Thanks for the reply. My wife and i are neither practising Christians althougth i have said many a prayer to God over the last six weeks. I do believe but do not choose to worship.

well.... i respect your opinions and beliefs, but if you really want to restore your marriage.... maybe God is something to consider..... trust me i have a ton of issues on my end, but i know with out a doubt that i would not have gotten this far if it was not for God..... If i can help in any way.... let me know....

Thanks for advice i will think about it.
i do have a few questions tho, and hope all readers will give their honest advice on them. i know its not right but i am desperate.
1. i am putting our home up for sale on Weds. Shall i stop this. By doing this i feel this will give her more time to think about us in general. I earn more money than her which all used to go in one pot, as it should. No prob my side. Now she has set up her own account and gets here wages paid in here first time Weds. I still keep the joint account and after she has paid me half mortgage and other joints bills she has only 1/4 of her wages left. Or will this tear us apart.
2. She is also looking to offload our pets, a dog and three cats. She works in a vets so not hard to find people looking for animals.
i know she is very emotionallly attached to these so i asked her not to do it yet as i will look after them. Again wrong or right.
These are just two of my immediate problems. Please advise all help totally appreciated no matter how severe or dark. Please guys i can't do this on my own. Thank you all

Evo... I feel for you..... putting the house up is a big step, but with the current situation and lets say it were to get worse some how.... it probably is the best decision right now.... as far as splitting it right down the middle...... if you know that you make more than her and want to give her some compassion.... you could pay a little more on something in order to help her due to not having as much as you.....
as for the animals..... are you attached to them too? she has to deal with the consequences to her decisions, you know what i mean..... i dont think this is a matter of right or wrong.... you seem to have your heart in the right place and really do care about her..... by taking the animals wont it make you think of her? if you are taking steps in the other direction i really dont know if it would be wise to make that decision, but maybe you can express that she should reconsider getting rid of them..... it is hard for me to say because i dont have any animals of my own, but i know that people tend to treat them as their kids and if that is the case.... how is she able to get rid of them? This would really make me wonder what is going on in her heart?!?

It would appear that things are deteriorating rather quickly. Are you sure she's still in NC? Does she want to work on your marriage? Have you discussed marriage counseling? Has she read this site?

I personally find it odd that you're putting the house up for sale and offloading your pets before working on your marriage. These are decisions made by people getting a divorce. Is the house selling a joint decision?

How do you know there's no contact?

EVO, first your wayward wife (WW) has done or said nothing that almost every WW gets around to sooner or later. Don't be concerned about what she's saying. Frankly, her attitudes, emotions, and her words were predictable. In fact, I've mentioned the very phrases she gave you in a thread on JFO. Check out the link in my signature block about setting up a plan for marital recovery.

EVO, we need more details.

Do you have children together? (If you do, it makes the job of recovering your marriage easier.)

Second, what in the world makes you think the adultery has ended? That she moved out is a big red flag. Most WW move out so they can continue the adultery without you interfering. What are you doing to conduct a good surveillance operation to see if she’s actually not in contact with the other man?

Other questions: why are you selling the marital home and giving up the marriage? Have you made a decision YOU don’t want to be married anymore? It’s your decision; don’t misunderstand me. If you want to get out of the marriage…fine…but if you don’t, are you ready to fight for it?

BTW, do NOT be concerned about how much disposable income your WW has after she contributes her share toward the family expenses. The “real world” shock of seeing how little she has on her own…how much she had when she was with YOU…is one of the emotional and physical consequences of her adultery. Never…never ever…shield your WW from the consequences resulting from her betrayal of the marriage. Letting her experience these things can convince her to come home where you can do a great Plan A, for instance.

Thanks guys. I'll try to answer some questions. I am 99.9% sure that there is NC. AS far as marriage counciling i have asked her but she says it is a waste of time. She tells me it is over and when we discuss things she says we are just going round in circles, she no longer loves me in that way and is happier now she has finally seperated. We also agreed not to see other people for 6 months. Alot of our problems came about as i used to have alot of me time and she always said she didn't mind when i guess she did. If she'd have said you can't go to golf stay with me and we'll go to the beach or something as all this time apart is making me lonely i would have listenned. But no communication so i foolishly presumed she didn't mind. Oh if you could turn back the clock! I know she has a recent pic of us in her room at fathers and still wears her wedding ring. She doesn't want to hurt me but bit late for that, but i am willing to forgive and forget and work at the future, ignore the past, not the mistakes, only the consequences. She is there for me when things get on top of me and as i mentioned we still have a hug and kiss when we see each other. Things like the above mentioned are screwing me deeper in to the dark world of depression. I do love her and would do anything to have her back by my side so i can show her the husband she married. Strange as i am writing this she has texted me "Think i'm gonna hit the hay so good night. Hope you have a good sleep. Speak to you tomorrow". Oh dear, sleep would be lovely!!!!

okay seriously.... (LONGHORN) i am talking from a stand point of a WW.... if i knew that my husband was doing any of the things on your link.... there would be no marriage!!!! there has to be trust in marriage and when it is broken it takes time to fix... if a spouse feels the need to go sneaking around trying to check up on the person that just isnt right.... do two wrongs make a right? ... because what happens if she seriously is not doing anything wrong and then finds out all this that is being done to check up on her?!??!?!?! Me speaking from a womens stand point..... there would be no way in Gods Green Earth that i would even consider stepping back into that type of relationship...... EVO you have to look into your heart.... though your wife has caused you pain you can choose to be the bigger person.... dont go down to her level....

I've been out here several years...at first just skulking and then actively posting for the past year and a half. I can't count the number of people who've said they were 100% certain their wayward spouses were no longer comitting adultery...and found out different a week/month/year later it wasn't so. If you accept her word for it, you're assisting her in the adultery.

If you want to recover the marriage, don't put the house on the market. Why would you do that?

Get your doctor to prescribe a good anti-depressant. It'll help even out your moods and allow you to sleep better.

It's already time to go to bed where you are? Are you in Europe?

You guys are great.
1. We do not have children
2. She never commited adultery, the OM lives 200 miles away and she has no means of getting there. Only a kiss and umteen text messages. An EA not a PA. He gave her his ear and told her everything she wanted to hear.
3. Her father is also keen that we get things sorted and keeps an eye on her and keeps talikng to her.
4. We have a new found honesty policy and i do believe her when she tells me she has NC. Before she left she said she would text him to tell her not to bother her again but i foolishly told her not to as it might start him off again.
5. I do love her and don't want to give up on our marriage. Thats why i thought postpone sale of home and keep pets would keep hope alive. Also like you say the realisation of having £70 a week to live on would hit home.
I also think that it is all exciting for her now. With us getting together so young she has never had her "freedom". So now she looks at cars for sale, places to rent its all a new and exciting venture. She's ok at min as Dad lets her stay for free and she gets dinner every night, company to talk to. She is not lonely like i

Evo... remember that you are dealing with people from all aspects of life and hurt when asking advice.... some people may respond from love, from mutual grounds, from previous experiance, or from the pain that they have/are experiancing. every situation is different and only you really know how it really is..... if you truly beleive that she is telling the truth than hold on to that truth! You have to beleive so why not beleive in the positive?!?!

so if you are talking in pounds... from my understanding homes are very very expensive..... but so is renting a flat..... why not wait to put the house on the market.... what is causing you to have to make such a fast decision?

Hi Lost. I'm from England. Homes are expensive. We live in a 2 bed end terrace ex coucil house and it has been valued at 125,000. Rent for a 2 bed apartment is 450 per month. She earns 1000. If is sell neither her or i will be able to get on the property ladder again. This means a life of eternal rent and throwing hard earnt away, month in month out. I dont want to sell but thought i was doing the right thing by appeasing her. Am i making it too easier for her? I cant afford to take the house on either.

Re AD's. I have to see doc again Friday as i have contracted Bells Pausy probably down to nerves but could be a viral infection. He is fully aware of situation and as i have had AD's 7 years ago i think he may prescibe some. Bells Pausy if you don't know is a swelling of a nerve from face to brain. I cant use my left eye or left side of mouth

evo... i would hold on to it.... lets look at this two ways.... things work out... you still have a home to come home to and you just said that if you were to sell it would be very, VERY difficult to buy again..... other view... things dont work out.... you can get a flat mate! people are always looking and if you are in a good area.... you may even be able to consider using it as a rental property.... for someone to live in, or for travelers who dont want to use a hotel, but rather would like a home... you have options..... my heart goes to you.... my husband and I are trying to make things work, but it is hard and i can understand the feelings of getting married too young, but she is going to see there isnt that much out there....