by lump it i mean if i don't sell will she be obliged to move back as she won't have her independance due to lack of cash. from here i can work on plan a and see how it goes.
i do believe her when she says NC. she has just been so unhappy for a while now she is out she can see no other way forward. she told me she didn't really have any feelings for this guy, was just a way of getting out, an exit affair if you like. she says she felt like i used to control her and this was her was a backlash to that

how did she feel you used to control her? Personality wise... are you more type B and her more type A?

The only reason a non-abused WS moves out (or wants you to move out) is to continue the affair.

I repeat, the only reason. 6 sigma true.

It's chapter two in the WS handbook.

Everything you write that she is saying is right out of the script. Almost verbatim.

If you want to stay married, bone up on the MB plans and act. Do not sell, do not file, do not sign papers, do not act at all as if getting D'd.

Plan for what you want and act.

Call the MB counselling center. They know a whole lot more about what your WS is doing and why than any new posters you meet here.

With prayers,

im thinking that in my compassion i am upsetting a few people here.... but i honestly think that if you sincerely want her back and believe whole hearted that the affair has ended that you can do that.... the only person we can change is ourselves.... if you are willing to do that, then there is hope.

Hi Aphelion. I am convinced there is no affair going on now. I just feel she fell out of love and is excited about a new life and feels she deserves happiness. You know the grass is always greener saga
LITW - i used to be a fairly jealous type guy who hated other men talking to my wife. Quite insecure in a way. For instance if my wife wanted to go out clubbing with other friends wives for say a birthday, i would moan on about it and she would sometimes stay home. She also says i treat her like a child. But thats just me offering advice and being Fatherly.

Your compassion, while admirable is misplaced. As I said before - you have been here 10 days. We see this all the time.

But LITW to do this we need to be together in our home. Any tips on bringing her back?????

lol, have you read my story at all? those are some of the EXACT issues my husband and I have delt with.....

My Godfather told me one something that has stuck with me for ages.... "If the grass looks greener on the other side, fertalizer your own."
something about that really hit home for me.... what i have come to realize is that marriage is hard, it sucks at times, and can be great at times.... are you willing to make some personal changes that could get her to come back without you having to be a doormat?

Any of you guys know how i persuade her to come home so i can show her the reason she needs me as i need her?

evo, you are going to have to start at the begining with her.... why does she need to be in the home for you to work on this? Is she safe at her fathers? how far away is it? are you willing to go back and court her again and win her back over? causing her to fall back in love with you?

I am willing to make changes but i will not be a doormat. i have told her that i will be here for her but i will still play golf, be it only once a week instead of 4 times and i might go to the pub for a drink with my mates sometimes. I have told her she can have her space too and do things she likes to do. But we also do alot more together instead of watching TV every night.

as far as the home, keep it.... make her pay her fair share of all the bills.... if that be 50/50 60/40 70/30 whatever you think is fair....
the animals.... can you split them up? you get some, she get some?

what has happened with your wife is that she got married young and had an image of what life was going to be... as time has passed she has come to realize that "that image" doesnt exisit and she is trying to find it..... where ever she goes... this same story is going to repeat....

what are her likes? dislikes? she felt you were being to controling because you didnt let her go out... compromise... does she have any friends you trust? let her go out with them.... make sure she tells you when she will be home and let her prove that when she says she will be home she will be home.... set it up as a trial..... she has some proving and changes she needs to make too... this isnt just you......

i guess she doesn't have to be at home. she is safe at her fathers and its only 1/2 mile away. i am willing to court her again but the whole house thing might make it difficult

LITW you are giving me some great advice. Thankyou. I am listening to everyone tho and taking it all in. Thankyou everyone. I know i am willing to change but if she isn't i guess i'm up the creek?

good for you... you cant give up the things you enjoy too.... so you enjoy golfing and going to a pub with your friends periodically... that is great....
she wants to be able to go dancing with the girls and what ever other thing she likes to do, but here is the key... you guys need to do things together....
who do you golf with? do you think that could be a hobby both of you could do? what about a different sport? take a class together... pottery, dancing, cooking.... something, anything other than tv.... tv and movies do not connect people.... you sit and dont even talk....

evo, what i am telling you is from my heart because i was and really kinda am still trying to get out of exactly where your wife is! it took getting really bad before my husband realized that this was serious.... he just didnt get it.... i was talking thinking i was communicating clearly, but it wasnt sinking in..... my husband and i are still trying to get to know each other again..... we are still working on it and still trying to make it work.... but as i focus on the positives it is getting better.....

i know that, silent night in front of the box. She won't try golf, how i've tried to get her to have a go. We could find something, dancing would be hard tho, i'm 6'4" and shes 5'5". Still i need her to want to try first. That is the hard hurdle at the minute.

Good for you LITW. It is so helpful that someone else has been there as i try to get a perspective of what is going on in my wifes mind. It helps me understand, and if i understand i can act on those thoughts. Thanks again you're a real diamond. I feel alot happier than i did a few hours ago. Still got to face the problem in the morning again tho.

Evo, I hope you salvage your marriage. However, if you're going to follow the advice of a poster who only joined this community a week ago, and disregard the advice of such folks as bigkahuna who has gone through exactly what you're just attempting to face (and, btw, come successfully out the other side)...well, frankly, I don't see much hope of success for you but I do not wish you ill.

Good luck.

LH

know, there are days that are still hard.... let me tell you... days i cry and wonder what i am doing and if i will ever feel the way i should about my husband, but i have to believe! if i let the negative dance in my mind... that is what is going to consume me.....
you can not get back into your old routine.... as soon as you do that... she will start to panic and think it was all an act (i know because i was there)... this change has to be a lifestyle change... do something physical together... does she like soccer, rugby, basketball, frisbee... anything... play with the dog outside... go for a walk.... even when she says she doesnt want to.... be like come on... just for a little bit... get her to do it....

hold her hand... if she is in the kitchen cooking... walk up behind her and giver her a hug around the waist..... if you walk in the kitchen to get a glass of water... give her butt a pinch and walk aways as if nothing happen.... let her see there is still a fire in you.... if she sees that you still think she is hot and amazing and you will just all of a sudden grab her butt.... that is going to send something to her heart....

send her flowers to work.... women love that.... stop by unexpected just to say hi... bring flowers home or even just a card... to me a card means more than any gift.....

all these things that you will be doing need to be just because, not expecting ANYTHING back.....