thanks aphelion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i think i will stick to my fog rather than the nicotine... my own lala land is good enough.....

Hi guys. Quick update before bedtime. Tonight went well. We ate chilli and chatted a long time about work etc but no R talk. We took dog for a good walk and carried on chatting and playing. So good news this end. Did not bring up any talk of coming home even tho was so so so tempted but stuck to the game plan.
Did throw some inuendo laughing comments in tho like she said about dog on bed with me and i said it would be better if she cuddled up with both of us. And also said that pets miss her and she said she misses them but did not say she misses me tho:-(. Just tugging at heart strings a little but not directly in her face.
W had to go to vets to help out with blood test so I walked up there with her and sat and waited but then an emergency autopsy on a calf came in so i agreed i would meet her a FIL house when she was finished. Went to see FIL and gave him magazines for his hospital stay and inevitably the converstion turned to W and I. We talked and i explained how i love her and will not give up and he also said how sad he is about it all and will talk to her again. I know this is a bit of a bad call on plan A but knowing him he will handle it with care and not push too much. He also can't understand why she is not willing to try and resolve our issues and she will not explain reasons in detail. He did say she did tell him that OM is not in picture, so thats good news. Oh and the wedding ring was back on today. The autopsy took longer than thought so FIL had to go out and i left with him, not getting chance to see W. Got text from her thanking me for dinner, she'll see me tomorrow and will call to arrange visit to FIL.
I know it is early days and i am probably at the top of the rollercoaster ride tonight but i know there is a lot of work to do and some lows to come yet. Will not give up. Plan A ongoing and hopefully stirring in her mind tonight. Only thing is i feel she saw a different me tonight and i don't want her to think that i am getting over the M and moving on. Guess its such a fine line.

i have been waiting and praying all day for you!!!! Im glad to hear that the evening was light and no R talk.... just because she sees a different side of you does not mean you are getting over the M..... Also did you text her back or not? I think it was a good think that the FIL had to leave and you left with him.... leave her wanting more and that the evening came to end on your terms not hers.... good that you didnt stick around to wait for her because she may have taken that as too needy.... day by day... step by step... keep it up!

Hi LITW. Just a simple text back saying "No problem for dinner. You're always more than welcome you know that. Good night see you soon". No kisses, no love yous.
In hindsight the evening went well and like you said leaving early was a good move. Next time i see her will probably be Thursday evening when we go to see FIL. So more conversation and plan Aing. Step by step, day by day. Expect nothing back for my efforts.
Thanks for putting us in your prayers, i now pray every evening for His help in our situation.
While she was here she found a big leak from a radiator in bathroom so thats the job for today to fix that. So i'll keep myself busy and a positive mind set. Take care all will update with any news or questions. Again thank you all, you are helping me more than you could imagine.

I know that this is so HUGE for you and you dont know how PROUD I am of you!!!!!

Just remember God is the God of miracles!!! Also know that as you pray... seek His will, His path for you.... He knows your heart!

As you do seek the One and Only God may He pour blessing in your life and all around you!

LITW

Quick question. FIL informed me last night that W is paying some money to stay with him. Do I, deduct half of this money from the money she pays me every month or do i ignore it and she has to take that as a consequence of A and subsequent decision. She has not mentioned it to me.
I know this is minor in the scheme of things but I love her and hate to see her struggle. W called tonight and asked how my day was and we chatted a while and arranged to go to see FIL with FIL GF tomorrow night. I told her about my day, fixing central heating system, mowing lawns and ironing! I really am a good husband LOL. I hope all this is finding a way through the fog and sinking in to her mind.

leave it alone.... it is her situation.... that is just me.....

Hey SP.... How are things going? Is the FIL doing okay? LITW

Ignore it. If she brings it up use it as a POJA learning test case.

A good plan A does indeed register. Eventually.

Try to find (I wish the search routine worked better) some of Bob Pures' posts about this very thing. He's one of your countrymen, BTW. They would be about a year old and in the Recovery forum.

with prayers,

ed: Start here: Toolkit

I was looking for Bob's description of how his FWW reacted to his Plan A over time. It might be in the above thread.

Hi LITW and Aphelion. Thanks for checking in again, you guys are great!
LITW : Just got back from seeing FIL. What a day he's had bless him. He was taken to theatre and prepped ready to go in but the surgeon came rushing thru and said the parts for his knee op hadn't arrived yet! Good old National Health Service (Still it is free so shouldn't complain!). Anyway to cut a long story short the parts eventually turned up two hours later and the operation went well. He was sick about ten times while we were there, probably due to the morphine and anisthetic but apart from that seemed ok. He was settling in to watch Tottenham play soccer when we left so can't be that bad!!!! Been a funny old day for me really. Been to play golf with an old friend and it was lovely. First day we've been able to play in shirts so it was nice to have the sun on our backs and the smell of freshly cut grass. Ahhh the thoughts of summer, my favourite season. Picked W up from work and did my best to look good. Wore her favourite shirt and splashed on a bit of aftershave so looked and smelled great. She allowed me in her room while she got changed, that didn't help, got to look at what i've been missing if you know what i mean:-). Anyway we sat on bed and chatted away waiting for FIL GF to get home from work. Trouble is the conversation inevitably turned to the subject of her coming home. She said she didn't want to and mentioned she knows i am changing but just doesn't think she can come home. She said if she came home she would be unhappy and that is not what she wants. I tried to explain that would probably be the case initially but with time, as we met each others needs her feelings would change and she would become comfortable and happy. But it took 18 months of unhappiness to leave, so it could take that for the feelings to return. I am so not good at relationship talk! Anyway we went to Hospital and on way home she bought me some fries for dinner and all in all it was a good night. I could see she really appreciated me going over to see FIL and i am also going on my own again tomorrow. When we got back to her FIL's place she gave me a big hug and a kiss and i asked her to think about what we spoke about and she said she would and does think about all the time. So a bit down but a bit up. Rollercoaster in full effect!
Aphelion. I know you are going to tell me off about R talk but it was short and to the point. No AO and no LB. Just honesty said direct to her with no emotional overtones. Still plan Aing hard and she did not mention paying FIL money so until she does i'll avoid it. I am going to trail through the Recovery forum to see if i can find Bob Pures thread. Sounds like it could be similar to my situation.
Well both of you thanks again, I will keep the faith and my love for my wife is still very very strong. Take care

"I know you are going to tell me off about R talk but it was short and to the point. No AO and no LB. Just honesty said direct to her with no emotional overtones."

OK. I'll spot you this one. No demerits.

Don't get me wrong. R talk will be necessary. In recovery.

For now, avoid it as much as possible. It depends on how it comes up and both of your willingness to talk about recovery. Keep it short and sweet. Look to the future.

with prayers,

Having read this on another post i thought what a great idea. I am going to make a photo album of all our great times together, gift wrap it and give it to W as a present. Might include some comments under each photo. This will hopefully get her to think of all our good times together instead of dwelling on the not so good times. Well off to trail throught the albums, wedding, holiday, home, etc. Wish me luck, i think she will really enjoy and cherish this record of our M. Fingers crossed!

sweet idea....
But.... Do you think that she could take this and react in any other way? I just dont want you to put all of this work in and have her react the opposite of what you are hoping for.....

If you honestly think that this may help her to remember and she will enjoy it... I think it is great...

I just wonder if that really is how she will react? If i put myself into that type of situation i could come up with two different reactions... the one you are hoping for... or... her taking it as another plea from you......

if you do go ahead and do it.... may i make a suggestions? leave pages blank at the end.... maybe with a note saying something about.... for whats to come....

good luck!

Sorry LITW i didn't leave any pages blank. Great idea though. I see what your saying about her reaction, it was done with reflection and a smile and i hope she doesn't take it the wrong way.
Down again tonight, went to see FIL at hospital again, this time on my own. He is stil pretty sick and tired so only stayed an hour. in the end he asked how we were getting on. I told him i don't know and am tying really hard to get her to come home. He replied that he doesn't think she will come home and he thinks she just wants a fresh start. GUTTED! He will speak to her again but i hope its with a more positive attitude than that.
Well i'll catch you all again soon, very sad note to end on but i need to keep positive, just hard hearing that from her F.

W got in touch and thanked me for album. Texted back and said "Hope it bought back some good memories. To be continued? I hope so!" She phoned a little while after to borrow car as her friend had accident. Shes just left home and off to pub with GF for a drink to steady GF nerves. I got a kiss and hug and big thankyou so feel a little better. Also did a bit more Plan A and spoke to her friend (don't normally speak to her) asking if ok.
Anyway i want to ask some opinions. While i am away on holiday the W will be home all week. I really see this as a key to our future, i need to find a way of getting her to stay when i return. Do you think it would be a good idea if i ask wife to look at thiss site and read up on the MB principles?? Only thing is she might find this thread which would not help the cause.
Please advise on MB decision, also any ideas on things to do while i'm away ie a few notes in places (clingy?) or any ideas welcome
HELP - this is so important to me - thanks

First of... That is great about the album!!!!!

Clingy notes.... Great idea!!!! you can post them on mirrors... inside a drawer or cupboard in the kitchen that you know she will go in... the freezer or fridge.... another cute idea is get a cute stuffed animal and nice card... but them on the bed, but under the cover so when she goes to bed it will be there waiting for her.... hmmm... what else.... you could put a note in the dog food (if it is dry)... so when she goes to feed the dog... she gets a nice little note.....
put cute and funny things on the notes... dont over mushy it.... maybe the card in the bed can be more romantic, but the other ones... keep a little lighter.... you know what i mean?

also, if or when you call to say hi and check in... pretend as if you dont know what she is talking about when she first says something about them... but make sure she brings it up..... just be like.. what are you talking about? you found what? me? hmm.... how odd.... i hope you enjoyed the little note.... again keep it simple and sweet...

another fun thing you could do is send her on a scavanger type hunt with notes with something at the end.... so leave the first not really obvious... go to the x drawer in the kitchen....then there will be another note.... look under the stairs... there another note saying look in the x closet... another note saying... look behind x picture... another note saying look in shower... another note saying look under bed... another note saying look in x.... at the end you can leave her a nice movie to watch and some popcorn with a note saying something like... Enjoy!...... get her running all over the house trying to figure out what it leads to... you can have fun and i am sure she will be smiling by the time she finishes... even if it is because she thinks you are crazy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good luck....

Update time. Feeling ok today. Saw W in pub last night and chatted away for a few mins. She then left with friends. Went to see FIL today and he is now doing well, going to pick him up tomorrow or Tuesday. W been round home tonight as during conversation last night i again asked her if she was coming home. She said she didn't know but promised to come round today. I didn't think she would but did, so that was good. We chatted away for about an hour or so about her FIL, work, life and M. Asked again about her coming home this week and see how things go day by day. She said she would not, but was looking forward to staying the following week. She said this would give her time on her own, in her home, to think about everything. So fingers crossed that when she is back she stays. She left a little while ago with a few hugs and a good half dozen kisses on the lips so happy pilgrim for a little while!
Also while here i asked if she was ok with money, and she said she was but brought up the payment to her F. I moved on with the conversation quickly and no more was mentioned.
LITW i am going to take your advice, but rather than leave notes i am going to buy a teddy bear and a single red rose and leave this under the covers of our bed. When she goes to bed and peels back the duvet, whammo. A night thinking about her H i hope. I will call her on holiday but only twice and check in on house, her and animals. This should give her plenty of time to think things through. I pray to God that she reaches deep inside her heart and comes to the right decision.
Experts, i've had no feedback on the MB site thing. Should i ask her to read throught the basic concepts etc to get her understand what i am doing.

Hey SP... Just wanted to drop in to say hello and let you know im praying for you guys and this up coming weekend..... LITW

Hi Lost, thankyou for having us in your prayers.
Quick update. Not a lot of change really but the W has been round for dinner this evening (roast pork yum yum) and again we had a good chat and took the dog for a walk. I bought some new clothes yesterday (as part of her ENQ answer was she liked me dressed nice) and she asked if she could see them. So i went to get them and gave her a fashion show in the living room. Between changing tops she couldn't stop looking at me! Made me feel really good, as due to weight loss for the first time in a long time i am looking good. Also AD's have kicked in and i am alot happier person to be around. Anyway dropped her off back at FIL house and kiss, thankyou and cuddle. Asked if she would stay over tomorrow night before i go on holiday Friday. Don't know, i'll let you know tomorrow was the reply. So fingers crossed but to be honest i don't think she will. Got a massive soft teddy as well yesterday so all set for the surprise gift on friday. Take care all, will update before i go Friday and will think of you all while sliding down the slopes. Would like to thank everyone again for their kind words of encouragement, you are all special people.

YES YES YES YES!!!! PLAN A... keep up the good work!!!! Remember not to expect anything in return.... But PRAISE GOD step by step..... one step at a time can still get you to the finish line!!!!! Enjoy your time this weekend and the wonderful scenery that God has provided as the backdrop.
LITW