My WH and I had a talk last night and he wants to leave and be by himself to figure out why he is so unhappy. He says that I was not there for him when he needed someone and that he feels I was not ever supportive. I will admit that I was not there for him like I should have been, but he was not there for me either. After I had my son two years ago, I have felt all alone and I have told him this and it just seems like it did not matter, because nothing ever changed. I just don't want to hurt anymore and I want to move on with my life, but I don't know what that means or how to do that. I have been with him so long that I don't know what life is without him.

I need so advice and some uplifting words of wisdom. We both love each other, he is just confused about what he wants out of life and I can not give him that answer. This is not about the OW, it is about him and why he is so unhappy with his life.

Thanks,

Are you both in Marriage Counseling?

It sounds like you are having trouble working as a couple and maybe the advice of a competent marriage counselor will help give both of you hope to hang in there and resolve the "support" and "lonliness" issues.

He does not want to go to counseling. He feels it will not help him. I just don't know what to do any more. I have been doing Plan A and it has been like he does not want to receive it. I feel right now that maybe I want to be alone too. It just hurts so bad, I am better off alone. I don't want to hear from him that he loves me, because if he loved me why would he want to be away from me so much. I am just so desparate for some understanding, I just don't think I can make it through this right now. I have to for the kids, but I cry all the time and I just don't want to be happy. I feel like if I am happy someone will just hurt me and I will feel unhappy again, so why even be happy.

Jam,

First, you are not alone. There are many people reading your thread and sending prayers your way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Second, not everyone that reads your thread will have something to post to you, as many of us are going thru the same kind of thing and are feeling just as lost as you are right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Third, as hard as it is right now, you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You have to make a conscious decision to do this. YOU get to decide to be happy or not and YOU get to decide if you are going to ALLOW someone to "make" you unhappy.

Sounds simple, but I know it is NOT!

Like you, I have kids that need me and THAT is what gets me through. It can get you through the worst of times, too.

I haven't been on MB very long and am trying to learn myself how to deal with my sitch. BUT, I do know it's up to ME to take care of ME and my own happiness.

You CAN do this. You CAN get through it. You are much stronger than you think you are right now.

God bless you! I"m keeping you in my prayers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

jambearT,

I'm so sorry for your pain, and I want to welcome you.

Your WH is, most likely, experiencing withdrawal. He will not respond much to you, for now. Just keep up the Plan A, and make sure you have read SAA, HNHN, LB, etc. Have you read as much as you can on this site? There is a wealth of knowledge about what you are both experiencing in these books and on this site.

Having him leave the home is a bad idea right now. He is probably attempting to continue the affair. Don't allow yourself to believe that he NEEDS to LEAVE in order to repair himself. He will leave and either continue his A or seek out the same temporary HIGH with another. Don't be snowed, he is wayward until PROVEN otherwise.

Has you WH gone to individual counseling?

Stay the course. Read up on Plan A, and read those books. Don't make uninformed decisions.

He says he does not want to do any kind of counseling. I am so confused about what he wants, it is driving me insane. He tolds me he wants to leave and have time to himself, but he wanted me to be there for him and to go to church with us every Sunday. This does not make any sense to me, he wants to play family, but don't want to be family for real. WHAT THE H***! He says that he feel I can find someone better than him and go on with my life, but how am I to do that if he wants to do this and that with all of us. I just don't understand what he is trying to do to me and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to force him to stay with me. I am just so confused right now.

I have read SAA, HN/HN and read a lot on this site and it has helped. I have been doing Plan A and still do, but it is like it is not good enough for him and how much longer do I try to work something out that he doesn't want to work out, which he has not said that. He just thinks that I can not get over the hurt and forgive him. He also says that he does not think he can forgive me for not being there for him. So, I don't know.

Thanks for the advice,

This was just like my wife was during WD. Let this show you hope. My wife had an EA for about a year and today she is my loving wife agian. Also, she HATES the things she said while in the fog.

Your H is trying to work thru this in his mind. He sees himself as so bad that a happy M can never come out of this mess. He also loves you and therefore wants you to move on a find someone who can make you happy.

To help break thru the fog and pull him to your side:

-Do as many family things as you can. Make it a "Sunday Family Fun Day"

-Let him know that there is a path out of this mess

-Let him also know that he is still a good person - H and father. He just made a mistake.

- Let him know that his kids need him.

- How about a night or two at a hotel will a pool/waterpark? Get away for a while.

_maybe let him do something around the house or on a car that is manly. This will show him he is needed.

These may seem silly, but I helped pull my wife out of the fog and back to her family.

Your H has lost his way and it's your job to help him find it agian. It sucks that you have to do this I know.

best wishes

Thank you Maybe2late.

I have let him know he is a good person - H and father and we have been going to church together on Sunday and we eat breakfast afterward every Sunday. I try to uplift him every chance I get, but it is like he is not listening or something. We do need a weekend getaway, but he wants to leave right now and I don't know how to persuade him to stay. I let him know that the kids need a full-time father at home, but like I said it is like that is not good enough to get his mind out of the fog. I really don't know what else I can do to help him. I am at a lost here and need some advice. I let him know today that I love him, but I feel like he doesn't want to be a family any more and he said nothing.

So, what do I do?

My wife wanted me to leave to give her time to think things out. I told her that I will not bring up any R, A or M talk, if she did that was fine. I asked her for time. Time just to live day to day b/c that was all I could do at that point. We were like walking wounded. Days went by and nothing - I MEAN NOTHING seemed to change for the better. It did take lots of time.

I'm sure my wife missed OM and she told me as much. Love THAT part!!! There was no magic word or saying that snapped her out of it. It was me changing (Plan A) and showing her my love by doing, not saying it. I learned to do a few new things like cook a few dinners. I was growing and doing while she was in NC and WD.

Ask your H not to leave and just to give it more time - just time with nothing else expected from him other than NC. Time will help this.

You - "Honey, I know things are a mess right now, but there is a path back home. Right now all I ask for is time. Time here with your loving family along with NC. That is all I ask for and in return i will not talk about any of these problems." You can talk about the problems, but not right now. That will happen down the road some.

Appreciate the advice. He tells me that he just feels so guilty everytime he sees me and he doesn't know what to do about it. He thinks that being alone would help him sort things out in his head, but he does not know if he could be happy again. So, maybe him being on his own would show him how much we mean to him and that we are important enough to fight for. I don't know, is that just wishful thinking.

Jam,

I know exactly how you are feeling. My WH said the same thing about moving out. Even our joint MC couldn't stop him. My sitch was different because WH was still in A. Regardless, the feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. Hang in there. Perhaps being on his own will make him realize how blessed he is to have a loving wife and family.

You're in my prayers.