i want to work it out, but am tempted to just give up. anyone out there give up and regret not trying harder?

Hi forgivingone,

I can understand your feelings of wanting to give up.When it comes to affairs,only you can make the decision when you are ready to let go.I see your D-Date was recently so it's not uncommon to be really conflicted about leaving or staying.That's part of being on the rollercoater we all talk about here.

I think a general rule of thumb is to not make any serious decisions for at least 6 months.Try the MB plans and do your best to salvage the marriage,most importantly if you have children involved.Of course these are guidelines and not written in stone.

I also wanted my marriage to work out and I would have done just about anything to make it survive.I tried and tried but it takes two people to make the marriage work and that is very hard when one is engaged in an affair.

I am not sorry that I am D'd now.I am sorry things didn't work out better for us as a couple,as a family and that my kids were terribly hurt,not to mention me.But it was the right decision for me at the time.I gave a lot of thought to it and did the plans,though not as long as suggested.

There were many times I just wanted to walk away.But part of making sure I did leave in good conscience was that I gave it my all for as long as I could and then if the M ended I would be able to honestly say I tried my best.

For some,adultery is a deal breaker,right then.And that is one's choice too.For me,what I would not stand for is the continuation of the A after knowing all the pain it was inflicting to so many,to our marriage and most importantly our kids.I was dying a slow death so there was no way I would be able to wait 2 years total for it to end,as suggested in Dr.Harely's book.I personally think that is way too much to ask of a BS and way too lenient for the WS.

Anyway,take your time to be sure what you want and don't rush.There is hope but be sure that you gave it your all first before considering leaving.That would be my opinion.

I agree with AB - give yourself plenty of time. Your feelings will change over time, and if you love your spouse and want it to work it is particularly crucial that you don't act too fast.

I think we need to give everyone we love chances. We are human and make mistakes. I wish my H had been willing to to repair our marriage. I think in the end, it was an excuse to bail...he never really liked being married to someone who wanted monogamy and he was unwilling to make any changes.

It is very hard not to consider divorce when your formally loving spouse turns into a hateful monster - like mine did.

Leaving his family wasn't enough - he blamed me entirely for his affair, and told me he had never loved me. He said I was a bad, neglectful mother and told me to leave the house so that he could live there with the children and OW.

Even after this, I tried the MB way to bring our family back together. Exposure just gave him another reason to hate me.

When he didn't file, I did. There was no point continuing to be married to someone who hated me.

I don't regret the decision to divorce him, but I do regret the loss of my family, and the damage to my children.

I think it’s important to identify the root of the feelings of wanting to try harder and work it out if there’s been a substantial amount of time invested already—say a year or more. There’s a big difference between “giving up” and “accepting reality.” I personally regret that I did not accept the reality of my situation earlier.

I waited about a year before I decided to D my WS and I don't regret what I did. I think that I did everything that I could to try and get her to work on the marriage and to leave the OM. You will know when it is time to "give up" on the marriage and move on to better things. I think that right now is not the time to "give up" as it has been too soon. I would take this time to think about things and decide if he is something that you want to continue on with. The PA will always be in your mind and only you can know if you will be able to forgive him for that. I would wait a while before actually filing for D. Check with the laws in your state and find out what the grounds for D are and go from there. The state I live in does not have a no fault D so it was good to know what had to happen before I could file. The last straw for me was when she told me that she would be back before our anniversary and she was at a festival the week before holding hands and kissing the OM. You will know when to "give up".

In Australia we are forced to be separated for 12 months before we can file for divorce. I personally feel this is a very good idea. It forces you to sit back, take stock and not rush into any huge decisions.

I've now been at this for 13 months. I have gone through the rollercoaster. From wanting him back to never wanting to see him again.

When people tell you 'you'll know' the right time to divorce, it's really true. Even a month ago I was still unsure. Now I 'just know'. I'm glad I took the 13 months I did (even though 12 of them were forced!). You've only just started on your rollercoaster. The greatest gift you can give yourself is time. Don't rush anything, or any decision. You've got to walk this tough path to come out the other side where you will KNOW what to do. You will come to a complete sense of peace when you've made the correct decision and there will be no more swaying to and fro. Wait til you 'just know'. Otherwise you will regret your decision.

Big hugs to you. We feel for you and know what you're going through.