I was WW. OM is getting divorced, or already divorced, not sure. I am in NC, will stay that way ... I want to save my marriage. But, the OMW (or XW, whatever the case may be) keeps contacting me with nasty notes and threats. Not sure the best way to handle this ... my H just got back in town and I feel like I should tell him, but don't know how.

If you need the lowdown on my story, go here or here .

i'm not familiar with your story, and don't have time to read the threads, but as a BW, i can give you my 2 cents.
i would appreciate an apology from the OW. does she call you, or is it all through notes?
i'm not sure if that's the right thing to do but i think if she does call or e-mail you, you should talk to her or reply. she may be trying to work it out with her WH and wants comfirmation from you that it is over.

also, i would probably prefer an e-mail or letter, rather than face-to-face or a phone call.

just my opinion though.

TFC,

I have not read your story but I think it's pretty clear.
Yes you should tell your H. Just show him one of the notes.

I'm sure you can understand why she's doing this, but she shouldn't keep it up. Yes BSs have a need to confront the OP. It can become an obsession. It needs to be nipped in the bud now.

I'd say if it continues, I'd call the police. They would most likely go and talk to her and tell her to stop. She probably would at that point. Fear of arrest will stop her.

Good luck. Remember transparency.

Thanks!

I thought telling him was best ... any suggestions on how to bring that up?

Just tell him. Show him a note or two. Confirm with him that NC is still happening if still true.

Ignore it for right now. If it keeps happening call the police and show them a note or two.

I guess I would just show him the notes.

"Honey I've recently received these, do you want to discuss what we should do about them?"

You should POJA this. You're a team.

TFC,

You may want to show him the notes and say,

"Would you like to take care of this OM's W for me? Any form of contact, even with OM's W will not be good for me. NC is NC."

Your betrayed H can empathize with the BW of OM and he should be able to cool her jets.....if he wants to.

This should be like his duty to you to protect you, act manly, head of his household, etc.

But yes, you must be transparent and not hide ANYTHING from him.

IMHO

krk

I have tried to apologize and she said that she didn't want my apology and would block me from all further contact. I have no interest in speaking to her or her WH ever again. I just want to focus on healing my H, myself, and our M. And I would like for her to quit harassing me.

TFC!I would love to talk anytime about our situations!They do seem similar!Are you and your H separated or still living together?Tell me your story!How long was your A?

He calls us "separated, but living together" ... I prefer to think of it as hanging on by a thread, thanking God we're still in the same house! LOL

My A was about 2.5 months long, but it was with his best friend. He found out from the OMW the day after Christmas. So, here we are 2 months later, still trying to figure it all out. We are going through quite an emotional roller coaster, obviously, but at least this week has been an "up" week. My story is here.

Looking forward to having someone to relate to and figure this out with! Thanks!

I guess my week has kinda been an up week too!I have been following advice about meeting his EN's and we have talked three days in a row!My A ended over 2 months ago,but lasted for a year off and on,and H knew about it early on,but I also was in that fog!How long was yours?I truly understand what you are going through!My H also does not say he loves me,and is very distant when we are together!It's so hard because he was a completely different man during my A,and did everything right,and it all changed overnight!I am also doing everything I can to show him my recommittment to our M,and I know that will take time,and in the meantime I need to be selfless and work on me!It's a daily struggle for me cuz I never know if he is going to call,but I keep fighting!At least you are still in the same house!That is the hardest part for me right now!He says if he wants to be with someone else he will tell me,but I know he has been out on a date with a girl,and talked to her on the phone,but he says he is not interested!Is your H seeing someone else for sure?I am sure you know what I mean when I say I have never wanted anything so bad in my life,and if I get it back I will never let go!Why did it take this to realize what I have!God works in mysterious ways!

My suggestion would be to have your husband contact her and gently explain how the concept of "no contact" amongst the parties helps prevent any further damage from the A and start the healing process. There are some articles from Harley on this site that explain NC well, and he may even want to refer her to this site.

Overall, I hope you view the betrayed wife with an enormous amount of understanding given the pain and trauma she is enduring as a result of what you and her husband did. I'm NOT taking her side by any means, just asking you to put yourself in her shoes. The notes give you a glimpse of how much she is suffering.

I hope you and your H recover! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TFC,

So if your A was with his best friend, then weren't you and the best friends wife close at all??

Just curious.

krk

send Her a nc letter?

JLG,

I like your disclaimer.

How about "equipment used also used with peanuts and other nuts"

Move.

This is (unfortunately) one of the nasty possible consequences to having an affair.

And yes, I would tell your H... first... and seriously, I would do whatever it took to heal my marriage, including moving away and changing all contact information.

neverthesame - I do understand her situation, if I were in her shoes I'd want to do the same thing. I just wouldn't actually do it.

krusht - no, we weren't close. she never like me or my
husband and made it quite obvious.

JutLetGo - great idea! A NC letter ... I think I might actually do that. (I like your disclaimer too!)

I did tell my H about her notes/threats. He didn't say a whole lot ... not so much "man to the rescue" on that, but I guess I can't really expect much right now.

I can't move ... but I think she is moving soon.

In my NC letter - should I request that she discontinue contact with both me & my H or just me?

hi, sorry its taking me so long to get back to you. i think you should ask that she discontinue contact with Both you and your husband. i would also treat this as a stalking case or at least harrassment. keep copies of everything that she sent you. make notes of the phone calls. if this ever makes it to court you will have no problem getting a restraining order against her.

do you have your note ready? i think it should be short too. she will most likely read a lengthy letter from you out of curiosity but just in case. i'm here. let me know what you think.

threats? how bad? you may be able to go the police and get a restraining order against her Now.