WHERE do I find this "Plan A/Plan B"?....By the way, I'm the scarlett woman in my situation, so don't be nice to me....trying to work through things though...sometimes. Sometimes I just don't WANT to work through it....love "O/M" and husband....so shoot me, but first let me discover this "Plan A/Plan B"...

Hi tj3

I am not sure that there is an in depth explaination of Plan A/Plan B on this site. In his books, Dr. Harley goes into detail.

To give you a quick rundown (as I understand it) Plan A is about working on yourself. Taking control of your own life. Showing your spouse what they would be missing if they left.

Plan B is when you go dark on your spouse (ie if they leave)and letting the other person meet all of their needs. Chances are, the other person just won't have it in them. Most affairs are not based in reality, but based on fantasy. When caught up in an affair, there is no "real life" associated with it.

I am not sure what your situation is. I did read your other post and your comments about being "in love" with both your husband and the OM.

If that is the case, give up your OM. Talk to your husband and work on getting through the issues. I know, easier said than done. But chances are, after 20 years of marriage, you both just became comfortable with each other and communicated your needs less and less, if at all. He11, this happens to lots of couples after a year or two of being together. I am not sure if you have children, but if so, look into their eyes and ask yourself if you can do this to them. The pain of divorce is widespread, despite what most waywards believe. You loved your husband at one time, you can love him again. Of course, you both have to want to work on your marriage.

I hope that helps a little. I am not going to judge you, because that is not my job. I wish you the best.

Hey TTG, thanks so much for responding. I need all the help I can get, whether I listen or not. Yes, I know that divorce hurts...I am a child of divorce, plus both husband and I both have been divorced and remarried now to each other...one child between us, 2 step-kids through him, grown and out of the house. As for the pain it would cause my kid, yeah, I know. Also though, awhile back (prior to the AFFAIR) my kid, 16 years old and wise for her years in some ways, out of the blue says to me, and I quote;"Mom, I hope you never leave dad, but, IF YOU DO, I'll understand"....is that a he11 of a thing for a kid to just up and blurt out? Floored me! And, I swear, it was before I had become at all involved in this other relationship. Kids can be so intuitive I guess. I don't know where she came up with that, there were no extra curricular activities occurring at that time whatsoever. So, even though yes it would hurt her, I think she would survive it. My biggest reason for NOT leaving the marriage, at this point, is, quite frankly, the financial aspect of it. My spouse is an excellent provider, materially anyway. I want for nothing, "materially", anyway. My "O/M" told me just recently, that I am a "kept woman"...I had to agree. There is no denying it in being honest. If I were financially independent, I probably would have already flown the coop. I know that sounds awful, and trust me, it feels even worse.
I have tried to "get back that lovin' feelin' ", but it is just so hard. My husband is so damned "perfect", really, that I can't even begin to measure up. The world adores him...I'm just an extension of him...really. I am. Believe it or not I am a pastor's wife...WOW! That IS truly pathetic, isn't it? Makes me even more of a HARLOT! God how horrible I feel. I really do. And, I want to be with the O/M so much, but worry about the effect this will have on only God knows how many people....pretty sick, huh? OMG! I can't believe I am in this situation, I really can't. I am so miserable. I want to go,I really do, I want to run with the pack, with the O/M, to have a life, after 20 years of NOT having one, always having to be at the world's beck and call, as the pastor's wife, I am ready for some ME time...is that so totally selfish or what? I feel like THAT is the main reason my husband wants to "work it out" is because it will look bad on the church....his first wife left him for someone else too...and I couldn't understand it then, and thought how terrible she must have been...now look at me! There is also a big age difference between husband and I as well, he is 12 years older than me, O/M is 1 year older...hmmm. AND, a lot more "exciting"....not same faith, like that matters at this point. He, (O/M) goes out drinking and partying and such and it's pretty enticing to me to be on his arm when he does, as his lady....being introduced to his family and buddies...the whole thing. I guess I am craving some serious attention, somethng my husband is incapable of, at least to the degree that O/M is capable of.
In a quandary still. Write soon, please....thank you for not judging me...I've certainly had my share of THAT!

Hi tj3

Well, it definately seems you are torn. Now it is time for a 2x4 (well, maybe just a 1x2) Why are you still talking to the OM? You know that is dangerous. Yet you still make the concious decision to travel down that path. Of course you are not geting that 'lovin' feeling' back for your husband. And you won't, until you go through withdrawl and kick the habit.

Let me ask you this. Have you TALKED to your husband about this issue? Not drop him hints, but really sat him down and TALKED about your feelings? Does he even know about the affair? Men and women think different. God knows my WW does this stuff all the time. Says that she told me this and that. When we finally get down to it, I find out she never really came out and TOLD ME anything, she just left me "clues". I don't have time to be a detective and try to figure out these puzzles.

What is it you are looking for? What is it that YOU want out of life? And why is your husband the one preventing you from finding it?

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Hey guy! Yes, time for the whipping post...but, actually, these boards here are much more helpful.
Have I talked to H about the A? Yep! He busted me actually and I had all intentions of leaving husband for O/M after the Christmas season, H begged me to reconsider, I did, and am still torn between the two. H is aware of the contact with the O/M, and is actually quite "understanding" about situation. I don't think H realizes the depth of my affection for O/M....whether it is love or lust, I don't know. So yes, H is certainly "aware" of A...but wants to salvage our marriage if possible. H willing to do ANYTHING to keep us together, EXCEPT go to counseling...other than that, anything is a go. Husband is too good for me, and I know that. Husband DESERVES much better than me, but for some unknown reason, wants me anyway. I actually told H if this situation between he and I were reversed, and he were having the "affair", I'd have already kicked him to the curb...I cannot fathom WHY husband is so tolerant.
As for kicking the habit, I quit smoking for 13 years, and lost a ton of weight, both habits were infinitely much easier to break than THIS habit! WHY????
What DO I want out of life? OMG...I really don't know TTG...maybe that's part of the problem. I don't feel like I have a decision in what I want out of life with Husband, it is all already laid out for me, with no say so on my part...I might choose the same path he has laid out for me, but, I'd like to be the one making that choice I guess. For 20 years Husband has called all the major shots in our lives from where we live to what we drive...I moved 1000 miles away from all of famiy and friends for him to pursue his vocational call...live in the town he grew up in, in a home his father was raised in, remodeled per HIS plans...drive a nice vehicle, again his choice, sensible, good on gas, economical...new...(did get my sunroof though!) LOL! Seems every decision "we" make is really his decision....does any of this make sense? He handles all the finances, and gives me money to run on....plenty to get by...H supports me physically with any health issues or work issues or whatever comes along. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that H will be there for me if I need him. Even now. So, as for "dropping hints", yeah, been there, done that, and he figured it out, confronted me and is aware still of the contact with O/M...believing I will bring it to closure eventually, and I too keep telling myself that. Inevitably, just when I tell myself I am DONE with O/M, he, (O/M) will contact me and my reserve is shaken, and I cave...I don't like this about myself, and know I am the one that has to change it, but again it comes down to the willpower issue I guess. This "urge", or addiction if you will, is the strongest tie I've ever known, and I've known some addictions! WHY is this so hard?

It's hard because it is an addiction. but try getting the books Surviving an Affair (SAA), Love Busters (LB) and His Need Her Needs (HNHN). It sounds as if your husband engages in Independent Behavior (IB) and the two of you do not follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Sounds like you engage in lovebusters as well. But you CAN work it out if you quit the affair NOW and discuss these ideas in the books with your H.

Call Steve Harley and see if your H will talk to Steve too.

Well...since I last posted, I have tried to break all ties with the O/M....sent a letter, short and to the point, asking him to discontinue any further contact in any way...he is trying not to contact me, but finds it hard to "go on with out me", even though I insist that is how it has to be. I am to the point even of trying to be angry with O/M when he breaks the silence by calling me, but it adds salt to the wounds...and in the meantime, I too, right, wrong or indifferent, am HURTING so deeply as well. It is killing me inside to have to give him up. It really is...it is astep by step thing, and I have to mentally and physically force myself NOT to reach out to O/M....It is so hard not to run to warm, loving, accepting arms. I am really struggling with this guys. REALLY. I never realized just how much of an addiction or attraction this is, and now the withdrawal is literally killing me. HELP! I am trying so hard to do the "right" thing, but there is still a part of me that wants him, (the O/M) so desperately that I could just runaway from everything and everyone that is right to be with him. Even though I have advised him that I am severing all ties to him, I knw that all I would have to do is call him, ad we'd go right back into the A...am I sick and twisted, or what? But, I am trying NOT to go there again. I aam trying so hard, I just never expected it to be this difficult to go on living without him in my life. ANd, agin, even though I know it's so totally wrong, I do love him....I hate me, but I love him. But I an't tell him that, I have to make him think I am some kind of B, and that I hate him...if I even give him a glimmer of "hope" it's all over, my resolve will be gone, and I know it. I really hate being me.

Don't answer the phone when he calls. Get caller ID, change you number...grow up! You are an adult and as such, only YOU have control over what you do. Marriage is not a game.

Thank you very much. I AM an adult....have caller ID, H doesn't want to change number, had it "forever", cannot change work numbers or block any calls there, have to take ALL calls, no caller ID at work...can't control WHO comes into the public service office I work at, cannot control the calls to my work cell either. So easy to say, when you are not the one in it. And, I know marriage is not a game...if it were a game,
I'd ask to start it over. Deal me a new hand.
Thanks for your compassion!

What Are Plan A and Plan B

From the articles on the main MB site.

Oh, in case you are still around tj3, you don't need to worry about me treating you differently. I am mean to everyone. You could call me an equal opportunity meanie.

What???? Never said you were mean. Have new thread, in recovery though...not here a lot.