Hi ...

My boyfriend of 1+ year cheated on me last summer ... it may have involved multiple women, but I will never know (I agreed to forgive him and move on, for multiple reasons).

Once we got back together after this incident, a friend of mine, who was concerned that he would do it again, 'set him up'. They put a fake profile on a dating site and my boyfriend made initial contact with this person while we were apart; however, it continued after we reunited. They continued to flirt and e-mail/chat with each other. I was not aware of this going on.

Once this communication culminated in a date being arranged between these two and me being lied to about it, my friend let me know what was going on (and sent me transcripts of all of their communications). I was absolutely sick about it and couldn't believe what I was reading in their conversations.

Well, my boyfriend is absolutely LIVID that he was 'set up' and only wants to concentrate on that part of the issue. He says that the sting operation was not 'real' .... therefore, it didn't really happen and he was 'tricked'. He feels I should cut ties with this friend immediately. (I should mention that this friend was a previous boyfriend of mine, but there is absolutely no interest on either part anymore to get back together. We are just very good friends and he honestly was concerned that this guy was wrong for me ... he truly has no burning desire to get back together with me, nor I with him.)

My boyfriend says that this was a major violation of privacy and trust .... and I am conflicted about this. Yes .... he was entrapped, but he had cheated on me once before and he could have easily 'passed this test', but he didn't. Anytime we bring this subject up in trying to work through the trust issues we now face, he becomes quite rageful and concentrates only on this past boyfriend of mine trying to break us up. I try to refocus the conversation back to HIS behavior in this (and that's what I'm most concerned about ... how MY boyfriend acted through this) .... and he just shuts down.

I have friends who say this "set-up" was justified because he had cheated/lied before to me ("whether you catch a fish with a fake worm or a real worm, it's still a fish at the end of your line").... while he claims that his friends say this was terrible and malicious and the friend of mine is a psychopath.

I truly do love this man ... and I have never questioned that he loves me. When we met ... we felt a chemistry with each other that neither had experienced before. I am convinced his 'indiscretions' are due to insecurities within himself .... versus just being a 'player', but he's having a hard time even admitting he cheated/lied. We are trying to work on this ... but we're just barely limping along now ... and I fear the relationship is ultimately doomed to fail. I don't know how to begin to constructively tell him of the pain I have felt due to this .... how to believe any 'apology' offered from him is genuine and true .... and how to rebuild my trust in him again (I live in almost constant fear now he's still communicating with someone on the internet or will do it again when things are 'rocky' in our relationship).

Any advice or suggestions? It is needed right now ... in my conflicted life.

BF for one year or so and no kids. RUN and don't look back.

Do want to live your life wondering if he will ever cheat again? Also, when confronted about setting up a date all he does is talk about the setup.

Run Run Run - lose his phone number and look for a guy who will treat you better.

I don't know if your friend's pop quiz is wrong, as in unethical or immoral, or not. I'd have to think about it some more.

But there is a definite bottom line here: He's now failed two tests (that you know of). One given randomly by life, one scheduled by someone.

What difference does it make how or why the tests were administered?

How many failures does it take to flunk the course?

He needs to enroll in Bonehead Relationships 101.

ed: If I were you, I would drop him. In fact, it's probably come down to choosing between him and his enabling friends and your true friends.

Lady, your boyfriend is full of...bovine scatology. He's pissed because he got caught. So what? We see that every Saturday night on "Cops." Look, this wasn't entrapment, it was a well-designed and skillful sting operation. No one, at any time, twisted his arm behind his back to make him respond to a profile on the dating site.

HE says his privacy privacy was violated? Excuse me, but where does the right to have privacy to conduct a deceitful relationship come from? HE has trust issues? Nonsense. He betrayed YOUR trust, not the other way around.

Lady, you better wake up and smell the coffee and the roses and all that BS being shoveled in your direction. This man doesn't have insecurity problems. He has a problem with basic honesty and has a clear character flaw -- he has no sense of integrity. Frankly, your love for him will NOT fix that and...guess what?...you can love again.

Dropping him right now is almost certainly your best course of action. He's a serial cheater and is thoroughly unrepentent.

You'd rather marry him and find out 5 years down the line he's never reformed? Huh uh! Don't set yourself up for failure, Lady. Get out of this mess while you can, accept the temporary sadness of a failed relationship (it passes faster than you'd expect), then find a man who'll meet your expectations.

Good luck, PT.

proudtabby,
This is a complete no brainer. I'm sorry for your pain, but how many times will you have to be hit over the head with 2x4's before you realise you have attached yourself to a real loser????

He's not sorry for what he did, he is only sorry you caught him at it!! Is this the type of man you want to settle down with? If so, prepare yourself for the very same betrayals during your mariage, as well.

RUN! As fast as you can! This loser is not with the acres of heartacre he will inflict on your life. Do yourself the favor now, lose him!!!

All Blessings,
Jerry

Read the article on how to identify a loser on this web page by Dr Joseph Carver

Dr Joseph Carver

Ok, let's boil this down.

1. This character has been your BF for just over one year.

2. Several months into your relationship, he cheated on you. You don't know all the details, and he hasn't shared them with you.

3. Even after getting back together and working on your relationship, your BF was still being dishonest with you, and trying to cheat with another woman (who luckily turned out to be fictitious).

4. You have no kids, and hopefully no appreciable shred property with this BF


OMG - run, run, RUN away from that fool, before you set yourself up for a real hurting. IMO the boy is a player, and you're being played.



The truth is more likely that you felt the chemistry, and he told you what he needed to tell you to convince you he felt the same way. Par for the course for a good player. Think about it - if he *really* felt that "chemistry", and it was nothing like he's felt before, would he have cheated on you, not once, but twice within a year?

IMO, you should walk away, and have no further contact with the man. Any contact you have with him, he will use to get you back into a relationship - where he'll likely end up cheating on you again.

LMAO!!!!

Find a decent, caring, loving and loyal man and get away from this pond scum before he breaks your heart again.

Agree. Ditch this poor excuse for a man