Marsh, I read some of the things you wrote to McBecca, and if you don’t mind, I have a few questions for you. I can relate to some of what McBecca is feeling and thinking and would love for you to expand on some of your comments.

Anyone is more than welcome to comment. I am desperate for advice and help.


How do you deal with feelings of anger and resentment? How do you tear down those walls?


What if when you share your feelings with him, he tells you that you are wrong or to just get over that?


Am not sure if this is the same thing, but what do you do when you tell BH that you would like x,y or z but never get x,y or z?


How can accepting him and his choices help you feel differently towards him, when his choices do not feel loving or do not meet En’s?

Again, how do you knock down these walls of judgement?


Then why would you want or need a H at all?


Again, how?


How?


I so crave connection with my BH and intimacy with him. So if stop building resentments against him is the path to this, how do I do it?

Thank you for any insight you, or any other MBer, can give me. I sincerely want to help my BH and my M, and myself to be honest with you. I don't know what I am doing right now and appreciate any help.

Hi Ruby,

I'll do my best to answer your questions. I was sad when Becca didn't ask them.



By owning them.

Look at your resentments, one by one, and find the expectation that wasn't met. Examine those expectations.

Here's a really good thread about doing a resentment timeline of your M. LA is fantastic at all of this.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1



If you use "I" instead of "you" then you will be owning your feelings instead of placing blame for them on him.

It makes a world of difference to hear, "When you choose to walk away from me when I ask you a question, I feel my love from you being sucked out of me." rather than...

"You make me so hurt/angry when you walk away from me."

See the difference?



If we want to be respectful, we will ask, not demand nor expect.

I'd also watch for any tiny movement in the direction of X Y or Z, and then I'd tell him how loved that made me feel.



Whatever we do to others we do to ourselves. If you are judging his choices you are judging yours as well. It's a two way street.

I found giving up judgments about others and myself changed the way I perceived everything.

Your BH choices are about HIM not you. His choices might INSPIRE certain feelings in you, but it doesn't mean he GAVE those feelings to you. You did. Examine those feelings and see where they are coming from.

If you are angry/hurt perhaps you are feeling that b/c someone has just crossed over one of your personal boundaries. In that case, you'd need to enforce that boundary. Or you might be feeling anger/hurt b/c of FOO.



I was challanging Becca's beliefs when I asked her my question.

I don't believe Becca really knows why she cheated.

But, in answer to your question, "why would you want or need a H at all?"....

I believe that we all want to connect w/ each other. When you share yourself, and I share myself, we are connecting w/ each other. It is in a M where we can connect in the most intimate way.



How can you can learn to meet your own needs?

What are they? What do you crave most of all?

For me, I craved acceptance and respect the most. They pretty much go hand in hand.

So, I decided to be respectful and accepting of others and myself. I held myself to those standards. I stopped all DJs. If a negative thought came into my head about myself, "You're so stupid, mean, thoughtless...whatever, I stopped that thought in its track and replaced it w/ something more honest and respectful. Like this..."It's understandable that you didn't understand that, you'd never heard or thought about that before." Or I'd think, "That was very respectful of you to say no to that person b/c you know how fullfilling that request would have sapped your energy." Much more respectful, no?

And if someone told me something I disagreed w/. My goal became to understand their POV rather than pursuade them to agree w/ mine. More respectful.

When I started living this way, I felt tons better about myself and others. I didn't need to change my BH, I needed to change me. Learn to make ME happy w/o going outside myself to do it.


Yes, Ruby!

Stop EXPECTING stuff b/c expectations are the building blocks for resentments.

Accept instead of expect.

But, do it inside and out.

If you are expecting stuff from others then you are also expecting stuff from yourself. And when you don't live up to your expectations, you will resent yourself. OUCH! THAT hurts.

~ Marsh

Thank you so much for responding back.

I have to leave and won't be able to reply back until tomorrow. But I did want you to know that I read what you wrote and will be thinking about it tonight.

Thank you so much!

Good Morning Marsh!

I've read your response a few times and I have more questions, if you don't mind.


When examining those expectations, what am I looking for? How do I let go of those expectations when those expectations go along with my emotional needs?


I'm pretty good about using I language. When I share my feelings, thoughts, emotions with my H, while using I language, if he doesn't agree with me or understand me, he dismisses me. For example, last week I was sharing with him how awkard and nervous I feel around people I don't know very well. I feel very inadequate on so many levels. He said "well you aren't so you just need to get over that." When I tell him that I don't feel we are emotionally connected he tells me I expect too much and that guys just aren't that way.

This feels very judgemental to me and I feel he is dismissing me.




When I ask for x,y or z, I was referring to my emotional needs. I tell him what actions make me feel loved and emotionally connected to him. Again, those are usually ignored or dismissed as "fantasy".

Should I not expect my BH to meet my EN's? Only try my best to meet his, which he will not talk with me about?

And trust me, if he does meet a need of mine, I let him know how much I loved it or appreciated it.


I totally agree with you here, which explains all my questions. There is very little intimacy in my marriage. There is SF but it is only sex, no emotions involved. I want that connection with him, he doesn't think that connection exists, that it is something women want but men just don't have it, want it or need it.



So I should stop expecting my H to love me in ways I find loving? I shouldn't expect him to meet my EN's? Should I accept my M the way it is and grieve those things it is not?

Don't get me wrong, my H is a wonderful man. We are good friends and good co-parents, but there is no emotional connection. The connection that makes the relationship between a H and W special and intimate is missing. He will not even acknowledge that we have a problem in our marriage. Nothing that would cause it to end, but a problem none the less. I don't know how to make that connection with him, to be intimate with him.

Thanks again for taking the time to help me.

If anyone has any more advice, please feel free to join in.

I would appreciate advice and/or insight from anyone willing to help.

Thank you.

Hi Ruby!



Will get specific? What expectations do you have?



Right, instead of validating your feelings, he tried to change them.

It's probably hard for him to accept that you believe something that he doesn't believe...he doesn't see you as inadequate, so he wants you to get rid of that belief.

Could you ask him to repeat back what you said, almost word for word? I've done that w/ my DH. And it really does help.


There are certain ENs I like to meet for my DH, and others I'm less enthusiastic about. I'm sure this is true for everyone. Including your DH.

Will you tell me what your highest needs are?

And which ones does he call a fantasy?



I wouldn't expect something from my DH that he has either refused to do or has not often done for me.

That would be setting myself up for disappointment/resentment no?



Yes, I would think you'd want to fill his LB. Filling it can be a way to fill yours. When you give, think of it as your choosing to build up your M, make it stronger and happier. Congratulate yourself on how giving you are. What a great cook you are, sex goodess, loving person, ect....



There's a blockage on your end, might be on his end too. But, you can choose to see connections, where you hadn't seen them before.

Ruby, EVERYONE wants to connect w/ someone, share themselves, their lives w/ someone, it's the way we were created. But, pain, anger, and resentments can block your ability to FEEL connected.

Do you want to change his beliefs or his actions in the bedroom?



How does EXPECTING help your M?

Can you look for other ways where he is showing you he loves you, and tuck those into your LB?

I took this quote of yours from Becca's thread...



THIS is your greatest blockage.

How does hating yourself help you?

If you hate yourself, how can you feel loved by anyone else?

Disappointment comes from unfullfilled EXPECTATIONS of self.

~ Marsh

I am just about to leave and will not be around a computer for a few days, but wanted to respond quickly right now and more so when I have more time.


I'll have to think about that.


I could do that. What is the point? If he repeats back exactly what I said, but still dismisses it.


I'm going to have to think about this too. I feel he considers all of my en's that I have discussed with him as fantasy because he doesn't try to meet them and/or he says they are a fantasy.


You are right. But if he doesn't meet my en's how is our marriage suppose to thrive and survive with us both being happy?


This is basically what I do now, but I am starting to get resentful because he isn't filling up my LB, which makes me not want to fill up his. I know this isn't the right way to look at this, but it's hard to keep filling up his LB when mine is empty.


I'm sure you are right about this. There is a blockage on both our ends. I am angry with me and him, but for different reasons. He believes emotional intimacy doesn't exist. I feel no emotional connection with us. I know this sounds like rewriting the marital history but I am totally honest here when I say we have never, not once, made love, it has always been sex. No cuddling, no pillow talk, no looking into each other eyes, no emotional connection during SF. I don't know where to look for the connection.


I'm not sure what you mean by this. I do want him to believe that there is a deeper intimacy between married people, which he doesn't believe exists. I do want him to change his actions in the bedroom in the sense that it can be emotional and more intimate.


I do see other ways that he shows he loves me, but they aren't my love languages. I think it is nice, etc, but it isn't what pierces my heart. I guess that is selfish of me.


Oh, I know this is not a healthy way to think. I just can not let go of my disappointment in myself. I wonder if I could forgive myself if I knew my H has forgiven me. I know this sounds so incredibly selfish, but I cry alone for what I have done, all the time wishing I could cry with him. I so want him to see my pain over what I have done and to acknowledge my remorse. I guess that isn't fair to him either. I just don't know how to stop feeling so bad for what I did.

I will get back to you on my needs, etc.

Thank you again for trying to help me.

It feels good to be heard. When he repeats back to you what you said, it feels accepting...not dismissed.

Ask for it even after he has tried to change your beliefs. Sounds silly, but WOW, does it work!



Would you consider using the word BELIEVE instead of the word FEEL in that sentence?

I look forward to hearing what your highest needs are, and which ones he thinks are fantasy.



Marriage doesn't make us happy, it makes us married.

It is our responsibility to make ourselves happy. NOT by going through other people (even our DH) but by first figuring out what we want/desire most, then making sure we are giving those things to ourselves.

Our marriages thrive when we are connecting w/ one another choosing to act from love.



Are you giving to get?

Do you feel cheated b/c he's not "returning the favor"?



You need to forgive and accept yourself and him.



Has he said these words to you, "I don't believe emotional intimacy exists."?


His beliefs don't block you from feeling an emotional connection to him.

But, YOUR beliefs can.



No, it doesn't sound like rewriting marital history to me. I believe you.

SF IS an emotional need.

Is he tender w/ you?

Interested in pleasing you?



Trying to change other people's beliefs is abusive.

Just as you didn't like your DH trying to change your belief about yourself (when you said you believed you were inadequate) rest assured he doesn't like it when you try to change his beliefs.

His actions are where you need to focus, not his thoughts, feelings, or intentions.



What specific actions would you like him to do?



Hear his "I love you, Ruby." from the language he speaks.



Please don't DJ yourself. It is not selfish to want to feel loved.

The thing is, you don't realize the power you have in only changing your perception.

Choosing to see his love for you... choosing to believe you are a woman who was wonderfully made, not inadequate in any way, will open your heart to feel loved.



Don't you mean, WON'T, not CAN'T?

Why is that? Why don't you want to let go of your disappointment? What does it give you?

Where's the pay off?



Good question. Do you think you would, if you knew he did?

Do you think God has forgiven you?



No, it doesn't sound selfish at all. It sounds like you want him to know how sorry you are.



How long do you think you'll need to beat yourself up before you will be able to forgive yourself?

How does constanting punishing yourself help you?



I look forward to it.

~ Marsh