This is my first time posting here so please forgive me if I do anything wrong.

My husband wants a divorce. We've been married for 6 years at the end of March. We have 3 kids together, ages 4, 2 and 3 months old. In January, he finally got fed up with my insecurites and checking up on him when he wasn't doing anything that he decided that he wants a divorce. I convinced him to go to counseling with me and we've been doing it for a month now. He has stated from the very beginning he is only going for my benefit, that his mind is made up and that nothing will change his mind.

A little background - we met online, talked for 3 months, flew to meet him at his hometown, married him after spending a week with him. I was in love. He is in the military and so it was possible to marry so quickly. So in honesty we didn't know each other very well when we got married. But somehow it lasted this long, and we have 3 beautiful children together.

Obviously something had to happend that would make him want to divorce me, right? But like I said I was doing what I usually do, check his text messages and see who he has been calling on his cell phone by checkign online and then asking him about it. He has begged me to stop doing that, that he isn't doing anything wrong and that he will not be checked up on. Turned out everything I questioned about was really nothing, but it bothered me at the time because he was getting texts and phone calls from other females. Apparently they look to him for advice and stuff, nothing but friendships. He even made sure I met his friends by throwing a paryt so I wouldn't worry but it made it worse. I saw how he intereacted with his female friends and it made me jealous. Anyways he said he is just fed up. He did not have an affair....believe me he would have told me if it would make this divorce come any faster.

The past month has been hard. I've been trying to focus on myself and do things that make me happy. I've found a new way of looking at things when I saw the Secret on Oprah and went online to watch the video. I am now grateful for this bump in my relationship because it makes me realize what I have in front of me. From this relationship I gained 3 children, who need me more than ever. I had the best love that I've ever known and even if he says he doesn't love me anymore, not like that, it still doesn't take away the fact that he did love me.

Anyways, he has said the following
He hates me.
He never loved me.
He has never had true feelings for me.
He loves me but he's not in love with me.
He's sorry for hurting me.
He doesn't want his kids to think he is a bad dad for leaving.
He wishes he could die in Iraq so he doesn't come back to this.
He says I'm a special person (because I started doing plan A before I knew what Plan A was).
He doesn't want to fight with me anymore.
He wants what's best for me.
He does care about me.
The marriage is over.
He said he's tried over and over again throughout our relationship but he's fed up.

Wow I didn't realize how long my post turned out to be. I hope I didn't turn anyone off with my long post. But my questions is what else can I do, since I want to work on my marriage. I know it can be done with just one spouse working for the marriage and I can lead him back to wanting to work on it again. I know he is in the state of withdrawal. I have a lot to read still but I'm learning a lot from this site. Anything else I can do?

Given those statements it is likely that he is in at least a emotional affair. They are text book for someone attached to someone else. The problem is that accusing him will NOT solve this problem, you need to gain proof.

I do want you welcome you to marriage builders, and I think if you remain here you will find help and support to address this. You do need to step back and quit making false accusations, but you also need to keep your eyes open.

I really don't know how you two have interacted in the past but the statements he has said are indicators of some serious problems and usually they are of the "other person" kind.

I would read up on plan A and really start to use it. I would definitely keep going to counseling with your H. I would also not agree with separation right now. A good plan A can plant some powerful seeds in his mind over time.

Again, welcome to MB, and I am sure others will be able to offer you some good advice.

God Bless,

JL

Here's some more info.

We've been going through this rough patch since middle of January. No talk of divorce, he says he just wanted space. Finally I told him hey if it helps for him to move out then fine I'll accept it. Later on that day he said he wanted a divorce and I broke down. He took it back, but within the next couple of days he said that is what he wants. This was before counseling, and he has been keeping the same stand.

He has said he loves me, and that he wants the best for me. He knows I will find somebody else. He actually encouraged me to go out on night to find a one night stand. (I didn't) Then later on he admitted how much it would kill him to see me with another guy.

This morning I just did a love buster and accused him of having somebody . Found out that the credit card that I paid off a month ago has gone back to its origial balance. I checked on it and he has purchased some jewelry and a purse. I asked him about it and he said that his very good friend need help and so he helped him. I asked for details but that got into a big argument. Counselor had advice me to keep my mouth shut and let him do whatever he wants...it's his credit not mine. I couldn't help it though. But I do trust him (I know, why!) and believe that he got it for a friend who is giving him payments. He said if there really is somebody, he would be over there with her right now than coming home dealing with this crap. He wouldn't come home every night. It's true, he wouldn't and he would actually tell me if there was somebody else just so I know that the marriage is truly over.

Current situation
He is living at home, in a different bedroom. He works 2 jobs, he is in the Army fulltime and got a part time job. I am a stay at home mom, with no source of income. We both no longer want to fight. The only time we fight is when I tell him I still want to work on the marriage. (duh, stop talking about that right).

He may be telling me that he wants a divorce but his actions tells me that he still does care. For example, he knew I would be uncomfortable with his female friends so he dropped them. He told me he did that last night to show me that he isn't wanting the divorce because he wants female friends. Yesterday is another example. He got off work late and couldn't make it to counseling in time. Told him he could still come we'd wait for him but he said he will just go next time. Then he showed up at the door 15 mins left in our session. He said he only showed up for me. We fought while in there. He mentioned how he dropped his friends and how I keep my friendship with this person who he hates the most. So last night I dropped that friendship...she understands though. Doesn't make it any easier but she understands.

He says this is hard on him too. Every time he sees our 3 months old smile at him, it kills him. He feels guilty when he is home so he avoids it. He drinks at least once a week to drown away his pain but it doesn't work.

What I've done during the last few months was a lot of soul searching. I realized that the fights that we had before were mostly because I was insecure. It didn't have anything to do with him. I was lonely, didn't have any friends (meanwhile he was hanging out with his friends at least once a week) so I made some friends and gone out myself. I feel confident in myself that I can get through this, I can get another man if I wanted to and I can still be a good mom. My whole perspective on life has changed...I've changed. He even noticed that I"ve changed.

Anyways I was just going to lurk and see if anybody else has been in my shoes and read up on their advice. Then I read a post somewhere that told me to just post my situation and get some advice. So here I am. So if you have any advice I'd love to hear it. I just have to ask please don't go on and on about an affair that he may or may not be having. There is no way I can prove he is.

Of course there is a way you can prove an A, if there is one, but it may take time.

Advice?

Don't talk about the marriage or the relationship outside of scheduled talks, such as MC.

Don't accuse him of cheating without ABSOLUTE proof. You don't tell him HOW you know, you just give him enough undeniable facts to convince him YOU KNOW.

There is definitely something suspicious going on here. Textbook replies and shady purchases. That's enough for me to recommend SNOOPING. Discretely. What's your gut instinct?

Yes, I concur, he sounds like he does still care. Plan A is also about you - time to fix one of the number one problems: Your self-esteem. Keep up the good work, draw back a little, become a mystery and...act happy while you learn to be happy.

Plan A to the fullest. Patience. Be still in the storm when he rants to get a reaction from you or tells you things that break you. You will not be broken by this. Believe that.

Snooping is what got me here in the first place.

Snooping for me meant checking his text messages (boring stuff but occasionally some from female friends inviting him to drinking parties - where they sit around a car and drink basically.I know these female friends though and they are so not his type. ) A lot of his texts where from his work and from me.

Also I was checking his cell phone stuff online. I saw how long he was talking to a person and what number he was calling. I kept coming to him asking him why was he on the phone for this long and blah blah. Turns out that his friend's sister committed suicide and needed to talk to somebody. Every time I came up to him about something it would be a reasonable explanation as to why he was on the phone for so long. He was doing nothing wrong and he hated that I kept checking up on him. He told me if I keep doing it I would push him away. He knew I was checking so he'd tell his friends to put it on a blocked number and stayed on the phone longer just because he knew I was checking. He told me this afterwards. It drove me crazy. He eventually got fed up and this is where we are now.

I stopped snooping. I know it would drive me crazy. It's been hard not to sign on and see who he is talking to but I've been doing so good for the last 2 months now. He's even told me to go ahead and check because I would see he doesn't talk to anybody. I haven't checked though.

Maybe I should mention we are currently stationed at Hawaii. It adds to my feeelings of isolation, and sort of explains why it's a little harder for me to let him move out and me move on. I'd have to do everything necessary to move off the island and I'd rather just avoid doing that and focus on the marriage.

It would appear that your husband is not being honest with you regarding his relationship with another woman. All of the tell tale signs are there. You must go underground and find conclusive evidence and confront him. You should know who it is, whether they're married, have BF, etc. You need to calm down....and not badger him and let him know you're onto him.

Here's the deal, every betrayed spouse on here wishes they went with their gut feelings.....and in my own case my mantra has become.....

"if it looks like crap, sounds like crap....appears to be crap.........IT'S CRAP!!!

So...you can give him space for his affair (cause that is really what he is telling you)....and do as he says (to of course appease him and "keep him happy")...or you can find out the ugly truth...and deal with it.....

buying jewelry and purses....and being "secretive".....has all teh signs of an affair that is beyond emotional.....he's having sex with this woman.....and you're letting him....

So...get to work...we'll help you through this...but do not stand idly by.....


I wish you best of luck...this may seem harsh...but you understand that only you can stop this nonsense.....

Good advice above -

Yep, sounds like snooping got you here. You'll just have to get better at it!

I too was stationed in Hawaii for four years at Schofield, so I know the area rather well. There's a number of wonderful things to do out there to keep your mind off of the mess.

I would recommend sneakier snooping and appearing to give him more space at the same time. Tough task, I know.

Ya know, it doesn't matter what number he calls. The only thing that matters is the content. Record him if you can, go to Radio Shack and get a recorder.

I think what you need to focus on now (since you don't have any proof) is figuring out what his ENs are and meeting them. Usually men's top 3 are sexual fulfillment, admiration, and recreational companionship, but they can vary from person to person. Also figure out what love busters you are committing and cut them out of your life. Use Dr. Harley's questionnaires (link at the top of the page) and fill them out like you think he would if he won't himself. Then get to work. Meet his ENs without LBing. Don't talk about the marriage/relationship. Just focus on having fun with him and meeting those needs.

If things go well, he'll be more receptive to counseling and working on the M. However, it does sound like he does have at least an emotional attachment to another woman. Instead of constantly bugging him about it, I want you to instead take care of him so that he couldn't even possibly think of another woman. Don't smother him, but act like you did when you originally courted him. Feed his love bank with admiration and SF if you aren't worried about contracting an STD from him. When problems start developing in a relationship, women often start witholding sex, which usually just makes the problem ten times worse. TRUST ME, I KNOW!!!

But would he be home most nights if he was having an affair? If he was having one, he would just come out and tell me because he knows that is a dealbreaker with me. That would definately stop me from trying to reconcile. I know I would just leave the island as soon as possible if I knew that.

I am tempted to look at cingular again to see what calls were being made but I know myself, I can't help but confront him on stuff if I find something "suspicious". So for right now, I know I can't handle snooping. Maybe when I know inside my heart that it is over and I no longer have emotional ties to this man then I can start. Maybe sooner than that I can start snooping. But for right now, I can't.

Withholding sex part doesn't apply to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just can't resist.

I think I may buy a recorder from Radio shack. Maybe not today but soon.

Lady, snooping didn't get you where you are today. His inappropriate relationships did that. Dr. Harley advises both spouses in a marriage snoop at will on each other. Frankly, if one has nothing to hide, one hides nothing. I’m sure you’ve urged him to snoop on you; perhaps you should reinforce your thinking on that. Here's a link to the article here on MB discussing Dr. Harley’s stance on snooping:

[color:"red"]Dr. Harley's Advice On Snooping[/color]

Your husband absolutely may be engaged in an affair and still come home “most” nights. In fact, most affairs are conducted exactly that way. That phrase “most nights” you use is awfully disturbing. Now, I’m retired military and there have been some nights I never got home because I couldn’t leave the duty section…but that’s not what you’re talking about, is it?

Beyond that, many of the things your husband has said are HUGE red flags that your husband may be involved in emotional relationships with a woman (or a number of women through the years). No married man with any integrity gets invited to so many “drinking parties” by single women or winds up counseling a “friend” whose sister is deceased, etc. The list of phrases your husband is using (including that perennial favorite, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”) are right out of the cheating spouse handbook.

I’m not clear how you resolve the suspected inappropriate contacts. How, for instance, determine his “friend” was calling him all the time for counseling on suicide? Did you take his word for it? Frankly, if you take his word for anything, I think you’re being awfully naïve.

Married men cannot have “friends” of the opposite sex who are not, first and foremost, friends of the marriage. It just doesn’t happen. I suggest you read Not “Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. The title says it all. It’s well written and probably will provide a number of revelations to you.

What I think you’ve done with your snooping and confronting him before you had concrete evidence is that you’ve “educated” him on how to better conceal his inappropriate relationships. He now knows he must hide the amount of time he spends on his cell phone, for instance. To solve that problem, if he’s remaining in contact with an OW, he may well have a secret cell phone just to call her. He may also be using alternative ways of maintaining contact. Or he may be in a “dry period” between relationships.

You’re going to have to find other, better ways of snooping. I urge you to click on the “Spying 101” link in my signature area below. One or more of the suggestions contained in that thread may lend itself to your situation.

Hang in there, Lady. Cheaters always foul up eventually. The secrecy necessary for an inappropriate relationship is highly difficult to maintain. Sooner or later, your instincts…those saying he’s probably straying…will be proven correct. You can prepare yourself by reading Dr. Harley’s book Surviving An Affair.

I hope you’re wrong about your suspicions, Smiley, but I don’t think you are. If worse comes to worst, the good folks here at MB will walk with you through the difficult times ahead.

SGurl,

Everytime you reveal your source of intel, you lose that source. So stop!


HUGE RED FLAG HERE:
Why would he encourage you to go be with another man? Not to say it's the only answer, but my guess would be approx 90% of the time is to relief one's own guilt. "We both did it, now I'm not the bad guy in the R".


I helped a friend...Who is a man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The argument AKA Tap dance till I can figure out my next lie, and/or cover my tracks!

Hang in there Gurl. I expect you have a long road ahead of you, but found the right place.

Being a military spouse you have some great tools at your dispossal. We won't go there till you have solid proof.

Hopefully nothing is going on, but you DEFINATELY have reason to worry.

LINK: SPYING 101

Invites to parties are by local women, big samoan ones. I've met them all and they are all nice. They always asked about me and how I'm doing and how the babies are doing. Anyhow I did not feel threatened by them at all. Plus, like I said he dropped their friendship when he knew that phone calls and text messages to my husband made me uncomfortable.

Yep, his inappropriate behavior made me want to snoop even more. Him not being home most nights are due to training and stuff. For example he will be in and out of Hawaii a lot in the next coming months.

Maybe he is cheating. Maybe he is feeling like crap due to the upcoming deployment. He is in the stryker unit, with a deployment coming up in less than a year and hasn't even started training in a styker yet. Maybe it's stress, even depression. He's been confiding in me how he thinks about his last deployment and how he saw people die in front of him and how he keeps thinking about that. Maybe it's the steroids that he took a month ago that's making him have all of these mood swings.

So there are so many reasons why he could be acting this way. I just know the man and if he would have an PA then he would be man enough to tell me. He probably thinks that having an EA isn't having an affair at all, so if anything that would be my suspicion.

But thanks for the advice.

If Ida known Longhorn was replying the same time I was, I could have just typed...

"Ya....What Longhorn said" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

At a minimum...Stay alert. If you snoop, do it quietly, no reason to question bits and pieces. Just collect.

SG80,

Your gut is telling you the trust is gone. There's a reason for that. You are not the only MBer out in the middle of the big blue.

Here's my e-mail: **edit**

I have met with other MBers before, even those dealing with military situations. We can talk if you want.

take care,
L.

I like Jim's suggestion. Plan A. Figure out his ENs and try to meet them. It's the recommendation whether he's having an affair or not.

TY all for the advice. Spoke to his mom today and she is very upset with him. Seems to take my side of the story....also happy that we will be moving back to Texas where they are if this divorce goes through, although unhappy at the circumstance that would bring me and the kids there. She thinks that he is having an affair as well, doesn't buy in on all of his lies and etc. Talked to my counselor on the phone and she seems to think the same but advises me to be the best wife I can be in the short while I am there. H wants to divorce by or in June. June is when he will start being in and out of Hawaii due to training and he wants to get this ordeal over before then. Still hoping I can guide him back from his state of withdrawal to at least conflict, but at the same time getting myself prepared. His parents are supportive of me and the kids coming there and even offered up their place for me and the kids to stay. I think it would just be too hard but it is an option for now until I can get on my own 2 feet.

H is angry that my MC wants to get it in writing that the kids will be beneficieries should something happen to him in Iraq. He is mad that she implies that he won't take care of his own kids but I think she is right I do need to cover my own butt. I guess it hurted his pride or something.

Anyhow he did offer to watch the kids tonight during a school meeting. It's unexpected because he said he has to work until 8 but he said he will get off of work early to do it. So gotta get the house picked up at least.

Looking forward to any other advice.

Well I sit here waiting for H to arrive home. It's midnite where I'm at. He came home an hour ago, got a phone call then left. Before leaving he came in the room and told me he will give me everything, pay for all of my bills, my rent, my car payment. We will be divorced but he says for me not to worry about anything.

Let me back up a bit. Told him earlier that I called his mom. He knew that they were upset with him about this whole thing. Told thim how they offered to have me and the kids stay with them, but I felt that might not be the best solution since I'm supposed to get over him. Also told him something that maybe I shouldn't have said. I said how his mom thinks he is cheating on me (and how everyone seems to think so and how I'm always defending him). His dad said even though he is happy to open up his home to me and the kids he doesn't want it to be like my husband just dropped off his problems on his parents while he goes and have a good time here in Hawaii doing whatever. My H got really hurt about that. He said he isn't mad at me at all and I have nothing to be sorry about but I do feel bad that I told him that.

I am trying my best to be understanding, try to be there for him but he said he just got to get away. So I let him go. It's so hard for me to see him suffer. When he left he was just so angry, not at me but at his father for saying that. My husband confided to his parents how he keeps thinking about Iraq and they both were like yea yea whatever. Even his mom told me that she thinks it's a bunch of crock. But I believe him...maybe it's because they don't see it right in front of them. Their son isn't the same son that was there over a year ago. But I can see why my H is angry towards his dad and his mom right now.

So to prove to everyone that he isn't cheating on me, he isn't doing this to dump his problems on them, he going to be out here having fun he is going to give me everything. While he was telling me all this I didn't say anything at all. I am still in shock....we shall see what happens.