I am the BW from my last M. Based on all the hurt, I experienced from my previous M, I wasn't looking to date but a nice man whom I knew through work pursued me. We have gone out on several dates and I explained my sitch to him and how the infidelity of my WH ripped my heart out. He was very understanding, non-judgment and so compassionate. I thought he was a great guy from tht way he portrayed himself. He said he was single. He had all the good qualities of a man I'd want to date.

A few days ago, I received a disturbing call from this man's "gf" claiming they were still together. She wanted to know who I was. It turns out I am the OW! WHAT??? I couldn't believe my ears.

I know it's too soon for me to begin dating again but the prospects of the new R with this new guy were so enticing. The phone call from his so-called "gf" sent shockwaves through my body. I was trembling non-stop. She said he wasn't calling her back. However, he had just called me that very night.

I know how it feels to be a BW and it just brought back flashbacks of d-day and terrible memories of my WH's actions.

Since the phone call, I haven't been able to sleep nor concentrate. I really want to find out the truth behind all of this. I want to know his side of the story. I was beginning to care for this new guy. He said all the right things and treated me so well. I guess I'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm really hurt.

What do I do?

Okay, I'm ready for the 2x4s.

No 2X4... you had no way of knowing. Have you asked the guy about his GF/XGF yet to hear his side of the story? It goes without saying that if he's still involved with her, you need to stop seeing him because not only is he cheating on her, but lying about it, too. But, even if they've officially broken up, she's obviously still in the picture, to some extent at least, so I'd be very careful if I were you. Several of us here got into relationships last year with guys who'd too recently broken up with someone else and then ended up getting back together with their "X's". In my case, the XGF had left him several months before we met, we dated for about 3 months, but he continued to talk to her by phone. One day he showed up at my door to tell me she'd moved back in, and about a month later I heard they were married. I even heard recently that they're still fighting about his relationship with me last summer... It was painful because, like you I had high hopes for our relationship and hated feeling like I'd become an OW without realizing it!

LT,

I'm scared to find out the truth, I suppose. I shouldn't be because I made it very clear to him how I feel about infidelity. I also made it very clear to him how guarded I was going to be in this R. Our R was exclusive. The way he talked to me and treated me seemed so heartfelt. In the beginning, he had mentioned his XGF to me when we talked about our past Rs. He seemed truthful and genuine.

The phone call from the XGF/GF was very discouraging. I told her that I'd never date a man if I knew he was taken. I told her that I know what it feels like to be betrayed and I'd never do that to anyone. Never in my life would I have thought I'd be the OW. Never.

My life has been turned upside down since d-day. I'm still trying to find a sense of peace about it all. Unfortunately, with the recent call from the XGF/GF, my emotional roller coaster plummeted. I'm so discouraged because I'm sensing that all men are unfaithful. I'm just crushed. I don't want to hold bitterness against men.

Should I call the guy and ask for his side of the story -or-should I just wait for him to call? What do I say? I know I'm going to get emotional about it. I'm nervous. I need any advice I can get.

Thank you.

WellLucky You....You have first hand experience in dealing with this possible problem. Keep in mind, in his mind she may be his XGF but in her's she may still be his GF.

I would definately call him...Point blank tell him she called you and that you need to know the truth about their relationship. And if he says it's over between them, ask why she doesn't seem to see it that way, and how in world did she get your phone number. If she was calling your cell, then she must still have access to his calls. Which would be odd if they aren't seeing each other. You need some hard facts about thier relationship before you can decide to date him. If you sense any untruths, let him go before he breaks your heart or you invest more than you should.

I know my WH was seeing quite a few women at the same time and they all thought they were the only one he was seeing. Actually, I feel bad for them. They trusted and believd that his M was over and they had a shot at a R with him. They didn't have a way to check his story and they got hurt in the end. While, he just walked away and found yet another R. Though, he does seem to be exclusive with the latest one, but I am sure he's not told her about his prior R, during our M.

Maybe being exclusive so early in your "dating", was to quick for you.

Don't beat yourself up, you aren't the OW if you didnt' know there was another woman.

There are alot of unfaithful women out there too..Majority of my WH A's were with MOW.
I feel the same way, I don't won't to think all men are like my WH, (serial cheat) but it will take a long time to trust anyone again. And getting into an exclusive R, is a long, long way off for me. If our D ever happens, I plan on enjoying my freedom for a long time.



HUGS

Hi IH,

Thank you for your advice. I do need the truth. I deserve the truth. All I ever want from any future R is the truth. Is that too much to ask for? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As for my cell, she said she was snooping. I told her that I did the same thing with my WH. Yes, in her mind she is the GF. In his, she was the XGF- or at least that's what he said.

What I meant by exclusive was that I don't want to "share" anyone that I'm dating. It sounds really serious when a R is categorized by exclusive but what I want is to know that I'm not competing with other women. Does that make sense? Is this bad? I felt like I was competing with OW for my WH. That just isn't fair. I don't want to ever be put in that sitch again.

I'm thinking about having this conversation in person rather than over the phone. Perhaps if I can see his facial expressions, I make a better judgment of the sitch. I just don't know anymore. The phone seems impersonal. If I call him and he doesn't pick up, what should I leave on his voicemail- that XGF called me and I want to talk?

Any thoughts?

Thank you in advance.

I think you should call him first. You'll be tormented if you have to wait for a face-to-face meeting.

Also, if this man is a good guy, it could simply be that the XGF is a wacko. It happens. I had an Ex-Wife go off on me because her husband and I were going to arrange a play date for our children (schoolmates) at the pool.

This man and I weren't interested in each other, and they were actually divorced but that didn't stop her tirade. She scared me.

R2W, I agree that you should call him. As ITHURTS already mentioned, her having access to his cell phone is a big concern. I'd listen not just to his story but for how open he seems and for the intensity of his feelings, either positive or negative, toward his XGF/GF.

I still think the guy I was dating believed his current wife was his XGF at the time he started pursuing me. She'd left him, apparently for the 2nd time in their 5-year relationship, and he said he didn't respect her values or her lifestyle (he even reiterated this the day he broke up with me). His XW of 25+ years had cheated on him and moved in with OM a month after my XH left me for MOW and therefore, he told me, trust was very important to him as he knew it was for me. Unfortunately, he hadn't stopped loving his XGF even though she hurt him, and when she sensed him slipping away and began pursuing him desperately, he slid back into the relationship. My point is, even when the guy (or gal) is well-intentioned, you can get badly hurt when the doors aren't completely closed on the previous relationship.

So, IMO, the issue isn't necessarily to find out who's lying, since maybe no one is, but how emotionally involved he still is with XGF ~ even if expressed negatively, it's the intensity of his feelings to which you need to pay close attention.

Hi IH, GG, and LT,

I guess I don't need any 2x4s afterall.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. I am very glad to recieve your input because I have felt so lost. It's all so new to me yet it brings back flashbacks of my own experience with my WH. It makes my stomach turn.

I've decided going to call him. It's a one-sided story right now and I need to get his perspective. It can be so complicated when ex's reappear. She obviously still cares about him. The fact that it seems like he's moved on and she hasn't concerns me. My WH had a pyscho-ex that he filed a restraining order against about 10 years ago (prior to meeting me) so I'm aware of those crazy ex's out there. As much as my WH has hurt me, I have never been driven to stalk him or the OW. Regardless, I need to be cautious with anyone I meet/ date. It's not easy but I'm glad that I have this board to share my concerns with.

rtw,

You don't need a 2x4 for sure.This all dropped into your lap so now you just have to confront it head on.Since you have only been on a few dates,I agree a phone call would be ok.If you were dating longer,a face to face would be most necessary in my book.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.Even though I tend to be very harsh in my thinking about cheaters,you really were not one.If your current "BF" was still dating the GF,you didn't know and were deceived.That was not your fault.If the GF is a former,then you have to discuss how she got your number,contacted you and all that.It will be interesting to see how this transpires.I hope you will let us know.

Be Strong~

r2w, from your signature, I see your wh has filed. So, are you married or what?

Ready,
It's not your fault if you didn't know.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it seems extremely unlikely that this was an "ex"-gf. First, if he wasn't still dating her, then she probably wouldn't have found your phone number or had to ask who you were and what was going on. (If they were broken up, then she either wouldn't know who he was calling and/or she would assume you were his new dating interest.) Second, why would she bother to call you if they broke up or lie about being his current gf? If she wants him back, she wouldn't go about it by claiming to be his current gf and calling up other girls he's dating -- he would find out. Anyway...it just doesn't make sense unless he was dating (and lying) to both of you.

I think this man is particularly brazen to lie and cheat on a co-worker. Run from him. You can talk to him all you want about it, but I would expect him to lie. It seems he's the only one in this scenario who gains by lying. I would just move on and learn from this experience.

Also, if you are not yet divorced, then I suggest holding off on dating and take the extra time to do things you enjoy. I think there are some guys out there who are predators.

It is tough to date again, especially after the devastation of being a BS. I hope you find a great guy!!

You should have called this guy as soon as you hung up with the so-called girl friend. Who knows what the truth is, but you don't without confronting this issue head on. Personally I'd give this guy a chance to explain things. He'll probably be as embarassed by all this as you are. If he hedges or doesn't seem to be totally up front with you about this then that's an answer too. You can only protect yourself by being totally informed.

Nev, the man may still be dating the woman who called Ready, but he may not. Your arguments work if the XGF is a rational, logical woman. If she’s going nuts with jealousy, she might call Ready up knowing full well Ready is the new flame. Her objective would be to drive a wedge between Ready and this man. As for being able to snoop, that’s no biggie if they dated for a while. You don’t need access to his cell phone, just the password to his own line account. Or you could even call the voicemail and get his messages that way.

I would think if they were still dating seriously, she’d confront him first. That is unless he’s been cheating forever on her and she’s looking for irrefutable evidence. Even that is irrational. If you’re in a dating relationship, and your SO cheats, you don’t need irrefutable evidence, you just say “Good-bye.”

Thank you for everyone's insight. I appreciate all of it.

With all honesty, she sounded a bit crazy. She said she was the GF but then said they broke up and was inconsistent with her story. I was disturbed by her inconsistent facts but I was too tired to deal with the added drama. It's hard to make sense of something when you're blindsided.

I will keep you posted.

Well- It is a day later - Have you called him yet????

IMHO I think it's best that you didn't call him right after she called. If it was me, I wouldn't have been emotionally ready to make that call, ask the right questions, or decide wo was telling the truth.

I know that when I called a few of the OW/MOW I sounded very crazy...They probably hung-up saying - No wonder he's cheating on her, she's nuts. LOL...Really, I only called these MOW after a couple of drinks, when I could muster up the nerve to rip into them for cheating on their own spouse and for stepping into my M..and to let them know he has many, many MOW..

SO. if she sounded nuts, she may have reason. Now, for her saying they broke-up but then was inconsistent. Only he or she can clarify that. Maybe they broken-up but she felt they would get back toghter but with you or some other woman in the picture, it may not happen. So she flipped out. Maybe they have broken-up many times and got back together.

Call him..we all need to know his side of this story...

Hugs

So, you're married and upset because your boyfriend's maybe girlfriend called you?

rtw,

I too would be concered that you are still married yet out there dating.Are you D'd yet?

he moved out almost a year ago. he filed for divorce and it is going to be final any day now...

i see no reason why she can't be out dating.

i met my current bf while legally separated as was he. my marriage was done, ex living with ow, and we were legally separated. as worded in my LSA, we could live as though we were not married at all.

don't lump her in the category of having an affair... she obviously has a divorce under way if it is to be final any time now. they don't live together, the marriage is done.
you are making her sound like she is sleazy or something. i don't think she is or was i just because i started dating AFTER having a legal separation. i refuse to believe i was doing anything wrong either. different views i guess.

ready, i would just find out the truth. even if he is telling the truth do you want to be dealing with a whacko ex gf?? life is stressful enuff without that.

mlhb

Cinder - Yes, from her signature line it appears she is still M.

BUT - Let's see, he cheated, moved out almost a year ago and he's the one that filed...

Am I correct in thinking that you don't think she should be dating??? I agree in a healing time, but if she feels she's ready - what should she wait for? A piece of paper??

I don't mean this rudely, I just feel - we all walk in different shoes - my M problems surfaced almost 4 years ago, during this time, WH has had many ow, and right now he stays with his gf for the entire week-end, and some week-nights. Based on what our attorney's are telling both of us, neither of us may ever file for D.

So if I would meet someone that I thought I wanted to go out with or get to know better, I should wait for who knows how many more years, until I do that??? because I need that piece of paper from the judge???

I believe in alot of the MB principles, and maybe my stitch is alittle different than most here, but when there is no hope and all is lost, you gotta face it and move on..

Marriage/Divorce is more than the legal system and a piece of paper.


It seems her M is over, and D is very close.


HUGS
R2W - did you call??

I don’t know about the wait until divorce is final. I didn’t. I had been separated years and I had filed years ago when I met Mike. My marriage had been over completely from about six months after I separated from my husband. If you are still living under the same roof, I think dating might present a lot of difficulties. If you are hoping to reconcile, still in love or still acting like you are married even though you are separated, I think dating would make a mess and could cause a lot of harm. JMHO.

Just another thought…. Maybe, the test is can you date in the open? Can your parents, your STBX, your friends and the pastor or rabbi know? If not, maybe it isn’t such a good idea.