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#1832505 02/27/07 10:40 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
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xsam Offline OP
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Well .. I snooped.

I found emails from 2 men to my wife. One, a ex coworker that she slept with before her and I met, and the other a Childhood friend.

The email from the ex coworker was simple. He stated how good she looked wen he saw her recently, and said he was imagening there past escapeds ..etc, etc. Her reply was, "you dont think i look good, only in your head" .. it went back and forth a little .. and then ended with him reminding her to make sure to delete the emails he had sent. end

Number 2 guy was a little more serious. She appreantly told him something of an fantasy prior to his email, as his email referenced this fantasy. Being with a man and 2 woman. He went on about how he was all hot and bothered, and wanted to sleep with her. .. etc, etc .. this went on for a bit, and her answers wer all basically the same. "I wont sleep with you, but my marriage is suffering" .. she kept talking about me, and he kept talking about wanting to sleep with her.

She is a Hotel manager, and she was basically getting him a room at a discount at one of there sister properties .. this was the underling purpose of the emails.

He bad mouthed me, etc. She kept saying no to his advances, but in the same vein .. kept leading him on.

I confronted her about the emails. She says they are all just a joke, and this guy is a heavy flirt. And she says she did nothing wrong. Which, she never admitted to wanting to sleep with the guy, .. but did flirt in her emails with him, after his sexual advances.

ie .. nope, i cant sleep with you .. but jeez my hubby is an ass.


help?

she says to not worry about the emails, there were mostly just in fun, and her demeaning attitude about me reflected a tuff time in our marriage. This all happaned in June of this summer.

help? advice?

she is a good woman, i love her ..she knows that. i have jealousy issues, and insecurities .. which have eroded away our marriage. I am in therepay, dealing with my past, so i can reconcile muself, and my family.

Joined: Feb 2007
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xsam, I know how you feel. I'm in therapy too dealing with past issues that I know have destroyed my marriage. And to be clear, I think my past issues have destroyed many previous relationships I've had. I'm learning to get through all of that and for me it's very difficult, but I am trying.

I'm no expert here but from what I've read here, it seems as though you should stop your spouse from going on any further and ask the email flirting to stop b/c it makes you uncomfortable. Then put a key-logger on the PC and see if she keeps up her end of the bargain, then take it from there...

Keep us updated, and good luck to you, and I hope it turns out to be nothing more than what it is right now..


the sun always shines, even on a rainy day
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If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting and just blow it off as she wants you to do?

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Keep sitting on her. This is how my FWH got started with an
"old friend" with emails, I threw a fit, I thought it stopped, took him at his word. 2 yrs later discovered by
accident evidence of heavy phone conversations that lasted over 2 yrs. Follow your instincts. 22D


Marriages don't fail, people do. (And I don't recall who said it)
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I read your last post--help, disconnected second marriage. You are right about how you feel about her e-mails. I am concerned that she would respond to you in the way that she has. Your boundary that this kind of talk is off limits is completely justified. You are not acting "jealous". You are setting limits about your relationship and she needs to respect this perfectly normal boundary. Don't feel you need to justify this boundary, or explain it or persuade her that you are not just acting out of irrational jealousy. You are perfectly justified in this boundary thats this kind of talk from her to another man is completely out of bounds. Stand quietly and calmly firm on this and install a keylogger.
REgards,
Lake


Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977

N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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Posts: 4,222
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I would email the OM back. Tell them they had better not make advances toward your wife.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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I too just recently found out my spouse of 10 years had an affair with a woman he met "online" and have been keeping in touch for almost 9 years...he lied/denied it to me like I can't even believe...but after one of his "warning" emails came to our email address he finally confessed. He said they had a one night stand in her car (nice) and says they only emailed 1-2 year.

Not to mention he has been online writing to other women in the past....I have caught most of them anyway...After this last round though, I feel absolutely broken, betrayed...you name it, I feel it.

I even contacted the woman he had the "one night stand" with, she told me the same thing...but how do I know they aren't covering for each other? I am so distrustful now, it's unbelievable. She told me she would not contact him anymore.

How can I believe a man who is clearly addicted to online dating sites/porn and lies like a rug about it? I love this man with every ounce of my being, but I'm at the wall so to speak. Emotionally, I am a wreck of a rollercoaster.

He has cried and cried, begged for forgiveness, etc...but because he has lied to me so prolifically, I am EXTREMELY wary of his sudden sincerity.

Any advice anyone? Does the crying, not eating and not sleeping ever end?

Broken in Wisconsin

Joined: Mar 2007
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xsam, immediately take action! Be thankful that you've caught your wife in hopefully what is just the early stages of her going astray, and that you've found this site. In my situation, how I wished I would have known how to handle discovering almost the same type of online correspondence b/w my wife & other men she met on the net.

Read all that you can on this site, and study it. Find out how to meet your wife's ENs, find out why she is dissatisfied in your marriage. Avoid LBs, don't criticize her for the emails, don't judge her for them. Simply calmly ask her to stop as Lake advises, and do what he says.

Then begin to really WORK on your marriage and relationship. Reprioritize your life, don't take her for granted. Become a good listener, and really listen to all her complaints, however difficult it may be for you to hear. Don't do what I did, and argue w/ the wife when she complained about me, telling her she was wrong and that she was imagining things, that how can she not see I'm a good husband, etc. Whatever it is your wife feels, they are HER FEELINGS, so they're perfectly valid from her perspective, so learn to empathize with her and just listen. Don't interrupt, and try to put in your 2 cents, just listen and hear her out.

God Bless, and again, be thankful you found this site!


FWH, BS (me), 43
BS, FWW, 42
DS 20, 13

PAs With W's Sister's Friend & Prostitute - SF Only (me), 1992-93
Married July 1994
Hit On W's Underage Sister & Close Friends, 1996-98
I Confessed Everything, Spring 1998
My D-Day, Jan. 2007
She Moved Out, Feb. 2007
Filed For D 4/18/07 For Legal Protection, Did Not Pursue

FWW Moved Back Home 08/05/07
Status: I'm Not Sure
(original thread of my sitch lost)
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1
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I am in the same boat. I recently discoverd my husbands "secret" email account and the emails it contained were unbelievable. Apparently he set up a profile on a sex site looking for no strings attached sex....in the afternoon before he goes to work the night shift(I work during the day)We have (or so I thought) a wonderful marriage, great sex and lots of love. I am so mortified hurt confused broken and ANGRY. I confronted him and he said it was just for fun that he would never do anything, really. I don't believe him. I don't know which way to turn
I have cried my eyes out. He gave total strangers his cell phone number and I found one email that appeared to be a "date" for next week. Again he lied and said nothing would happen. Like he would tell me the truth? This man means everything to me and the 2 things that I value in our marriage, trust and physical intimacy have been shattered. I don't know how I can ever learn to get past this.

Joined: Mar 2007
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b4hecheats, you might want to either post in GQII, or start your own thread here.

Be thankful you've found this site, it is rich in wisdom on what to do.


FWH, BS (me), 43
BS, FWW, 42
DS 20, 13

PAs With W's Sister's Friend & Prostitute - SF Only (me), 1992-93
Married July 1994
Hit On W's Underage Sister & Close Friends, 1996-98
I Confessed Everything, Spring 1998
My D-Day, Jan. 2007
She Moved Out, Feb. 2007
Filed For D 4/18/07 For Legal Protection, Did Not Pursue

FWW Moved Back Home 08/05/07
Status: I'm Not Sure
(original thread of my sitch lost)
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 163
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Posts: 163
b4,

Please dont settle for his excuses, the fact is that he is cheating on you already, probably already a PA but he has already for sure committed and Emotional Affair (EA).

You have a looooooong road ahead of you with lots of huge bumps. I would buy a key logger and start monitoring everything he types. that may sound deceptive but your marriage is at stake and your other half is the enemy in a way. not to sound like a pescimist but I suspect you will have more than one d-day. I learned the hard way, I had three d-days (so far) and each on hit me like a brick right up side my face. Just when youthink it cant get worse, it can. Affairs are so typical and predictable after you have seen that everyone here has just about the exact same story as you when it comes to betrayal, trust, honesty, deceipt, etc. All WWS's act the sameway when they are discovered, your WWS is no exception.

Its now time you to employ strategy to get the facts and to start reading all Dr. Harley has to offer. YOU NEED TO READ HIS BOOKS!!! So does you H but that may not come right away.

I have some advice - start snooping, use whatever you need to, key logger, hidden camera, GPS, anything that will get you the truth, he will not ever devulge anymore than he has to. I guess I should bnt say never, there may come a point when he throws up the white flag and just gives you everything but he is nowhere near that point right now.

Here's an example of what I am talking about, I had three d-days d-day 2 was 9 months after d-day 1 and d-day 3 was 1 1/2 months after d-day 2. Almost a year of complete and utter deception. I finally caught here with the majority of the evidence by using a keylogger I had set up to keep an eye on my kids on the internet.

God bless, please stay at MB and make your marriage work. There are so many success stories here.

2LLP


BS(me)-41
FWS(wife)-39
D-11
D-13
S-15
Dday-1 10/05/05
Dday-2 06/02/06
Dday-3 07/14/06
Married - 17 years, together 23
My story - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=1&PHPSESSID=

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