After 8 months of marriage my wife came home and told me that she is in love with someone else. She loves me also. She said that its the guy that she was with before me and her got together. She loves me but she also loves him at the same time. And that her heart is torn and she can't go on living a lie. I love her more than anything and I've given my whole heart to her and been the best husband to her and she's told me that. She's moved out and its been three weeks. Three of the worst weeks of my life. I love her and I don't understand how she can love me and someone else at the same time. I just want her to come home. What can I do?

rdog,

How old is your W? How old are you? I presume there are no children involved, right?

I hope you read the articles on plan A, plan B, and needs. And I hope you go through the steps to try and save this young marriage IF you really want to.

Part of plan A, is exposure of her affair to people that care about her and may have some influence on her. Have you exposed to her family? Have you exposed to your family? Is there any workplace involvement? How about church involvement?

Have you sought some counseling to address this? Find a pro-marriage counselor and see what they offer for advice.

These are the things you can do to try and save your marriage.

However, given that I am probably older than your parents and have seen a lot of life, I feel compelled to tell you what even Dr. Harley says. If an affair occurs and there are no children, then seriously consider getting out.

I have been on this site a long time. I have seen many marriages recover. But, usually there is something to change, I doubt you have had enough time to make the mistakes many of the Betrayed spouses make especially as marriage gets a little older. Further, a life time commitment ought to be with someone that is sure they want to be with you, and clearly your W is not sure, and has not been sure for most if not all of your marriage.

You asked what to do, and I told you the steps you need to take to recover or try to recover this marriage early in this post. Those steps are concrete and they offer you the best chance of saving this marriagae.

You did not ask my opinion but I am giving it to you anyway. Seriously consider just walking away. She has no clue what love and commitment are. What you don't see now is that she does not love you, and very likely she really doesn't love the other man either. Love is a VERB not a feeling. It is something you do to and for someone else. That is why when we say our wedding vows, we can promise to love someone "till death do us part". Because that love does not depend on feelings but actions.

I think it should be obvious to you, her actions clearly say she does not love you in a meaningful or commited way. Further, since you have no childre (I presume), the draw back is much weaker.

Please consider stepping away from this. It may open her eyes, but don't step away for that reason. Step away because she is not mature enough to be married and know what love is. She has NOT EVER demonstrated through a period of good times during a longer marriage, that she comprehends what a good marriage is or that yours was a good marriage.

Please think about this. I know your heart is torn. I know your mind is spinning. So read the articles here, read them all. Perhaps get some of Harley's books: Surviving an Affair is good. Then you will have more information about affairs, how they start, how they end, and how to make plans for your life during the A.

Read, learn, come ask questions, and think about the very serious fact that she has no idea what love is. If she did she would understand yours and she would not doubt this marriage.

Hang in there, learn, ask questions AND THINK.

God Bless,

JL

I am 28 and she is my first love. I saved myself for marriage. She is 18. She hasn't cheated on me she just has these feelings for that guy. Her family knows whats going on and they said that they would support her in what ever decision she makes. I talked to her pastor and he called her and told her that what she was doing was wrong, and she just got mad at me for telling her pastor. We are both saved and I've been prayin so very hard and just praying a lot. She hasn't cheated on me and the other guy is trying to just be supportive at least I think. She told me that she talks to him and shares things to him that she hasn't told me and I asked her why? She told me cause I never asked her how she was doing? Which I do.I want her to come home and try to make it work, but she says she doesn't know if she can. and that she can't change her heart. But I know she loves me or she wouldn't of married me and bought a new house with me just a month ago. I don't understand.

Hello rdog,

Oh boy.Well,I hate to say this but your wife,who is only 18,is waaay too young to be married and no wonder you both are having problems already right out the gate.

She is not only very, very young and inexperienced but you are also 10 years older than her,a big difference in relation to her age.If you were 40 and she were 30 then it probably would not matter.

I can appreciate how much this hurts right now.But there are many strikes against you that don't bode well for a happy future together.It's rare to find a person who marries so young and doesn't, at some point,desire to be out there doing other things and seeing other people.Has she even gone to college? Will she? She had a lot of living to do before something as serious as marriage came along and she has already cheated.Not good at all.

You could seek counseling and try the plans here but I do think that your wife is just too young to make this work.I'm sorry.I'm sure it's not what you want to hear but it's just my opinion.

She always said she wanted to get married at an early age. She doesn't want to go to school. I will just continue to pray.

I'm gonna give her another month and if she hasn't made up her mind I'm gonna tell her she needs to either come home or were going to have to get a divorce. I don't want a divorce but she's not trying to deal with her problems and I need to start healing my pain if she doesn't want to come home.