I am new to posting on MB, however I have been reading the site for over 5 years. I need some advice.

My husband & I have been married for 13+ years. I have three step children (26,21,&14). We adopted a child together almost 2 years ago. Our marriage has always been extremely rough and rocky.

During our marriage my H has had several affairs. He has also lied on many issues and been very irresponsible regarding finances. I have asked many times for help with our child or chores around the home and received perhaps help for one night and then nothing. Over the years I have made so many complaints to try and get him to join in the marriage and work with me and I feel like he just brushes me off and doesn't listen and hear what I am saying. My husband is also very possessive and controlling. He wants to know my every move. If I go somewhere like shopping with a family member he continuously calls wanting to know when I will be home. He talks at me and not to me, which makes me feel like a little girl about to get a thrashing.

Five years ago we seperated due to an affair. We were able to work things out and things were wonderful for a while but slowly things have just gone back to the way it was. Recently I called my husband and told him I would meet him at home because I wanted to talk about some things bothering me and hopefully work them out. He became very defensive and the arguement began before I ever got home. When I got home, the entire conversation was defensive and I felt nothing got resolved. The next day we talked on my way home from work and he started again making demands. I became angry and went home and got some clothes and went to stay with my sister. I felt that I had enough. A few days later we were talking on the phone and do to his emotional behavoir I went back home. I made it very clear to him that I was coming back home only because he was upset and there was no gtd that I was going to stay. For a week, my H & I walked on egg shells with very little communication. I finally decided this wasn't working either and I moved out.

PRESENT - We are still separated, however we are talking. I love my husband very much. I just don't know if I want to take another chance AGAIN. He tells me daily that he will change and it is perminant and not a bandaid repair. In the past, every time I have heard this it has never lasted and I am right back here with these same old feelings.

My H keeps telling me that we have to work this out because of our child that he needs a chance. I have really been thinking on this and Should I go back just so my child will have 2 parents even though I am miserable? Is that a good situation for any of us?

How do I find it in my heart to trust what he is saying this time? How many chances does a person get?

I'm at the end of my rope so any suggestions would be so appreciated.

Hello what2do,

Welcome to MB, as a poster. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll just give my opinion on how I see things ok?

First of all,I will say that I don't believe in giving endless chances,especially to a serial cheater.You could try counseling with the Harley's by phone but even Dr.Harley will tell you that serial cheaters are a very different sort of person to deal with and don't make good marriage material.I agree with that.

I know it may hurt to think about ending your marriage.And I know that you may continue to think that maybe just one more chance will be the time he really does change.Do you believe it?

Loving your husband,while special,is not everything.It cannot and should not be the sole reason you stay in a marriage that is bad,abusive and manipulating.It doesn't do your children any favor either by showing them that is all they can hope for and that is how you treat people.There is no self dignity nor respect there.Do you see that your H is manipulating you? It's clear based on what you said.Sometimes we get drawn back in my the emotional games they play since the know how to get to you.They pull on our heartstrings and we're back in the muck.

Ask yourself: what is it that you want in life? How can you make that happen? Don't let it depend on anyone but you as other's can fail you.Your happiness and health in this lifetime should be based on your own self worth and independence and if your H joins you along for the ride,great.But he isn't doing anything but bringing you sadness.

Staying for the children isn't a good excuse either.I can tell you from personal experience that having a spouse that is abusive and/or creates tension and stress in a home is not good for kids even if they are a parent.Kids need a stable,calm and nurturing environment to grow and thrive in.

I told someone the other day to make a time line that you will STICK TO in order for your husband to really get his act together or that's it.No more chances,no more last minute excuses.It's a tough deal but you have to have boundaries in your life or people will just continue to walk all over them,again and again.

Your H has a herculean task ahead if he wants to be anything close to a decent husband and father,not a controlling,manipulative,cheater.The question is can he really do it? Only you can decide when to stay or go,for good.Be strong and make the choice based on what you want and what is good for your children,ok?

I'm sorry if some of this seems harsh.But your husband has a lot of,shall we say,undesireable qualities,that you don't need in this life nor do your kids.You can go on hoping each day he will finally change or you will accept reality ,what is happening right here,right now,and deal with that.Is this how you see yourself in the next 10 years? Something to think about.

Good luck to you~

American Beauty,

Thank you so much for your opinion. I have read many of your postings as well as the time line post you did for somebody else and it really helped me. I have taken your advice and the time line is set and my eyes are wide open.

I don't believe that he is cheating at this time, which is a good thing but I guess I have really never gotten completely past it. The reason I left is for a multitude of reasons and that is where my confusion came in.

As far as my son, I do wish my H would quit using him as a tool for me to come back, however I have to look beyond that because I can not contrl my H actions. I'm doing my absolute best to try and keep things as normal as possible for my child where he has little effect from this situation. I also do not believe that staying for the children is a good idea so I have to keep my son in my thought process as far as his well being but not to base my decision on.

Thank you again for your opinion it has really put light on certain areas. I will keep you posted