My WH and I had a talk last night about him wanting to leave. His sister calls me earlier and tells me she saw my WH and the OW driving right behind him in our town. They were both on cell phones. I confronted my WH about it and he said he had call her a few times to ask about her son, which is not his son, but his cousin's son (he had an A with his cousin's wife). I told him that as long as he gets contacting her for anything, he will be in constant withdraw. He wants to move out because he feels so guilty and hurts so much. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if he is just telling me that so he can be with her or that is just want he needs to do. I have been very supportive and been doing Plan A, but I am wondering now if I should go to Plan B.

I need some advice on this asap please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not uncommon for WS to have more contact. It will need to stop as you said.

Have you set your boundaries with your H? Maybe it is time for him to lose the cell phone.

"He wants to move out because he feels so guilty and hurts so much."

Correction - He wants to move out so that he can continue the affair.

If you have exposed the affair to EVERYONE, I would talk to an attorney to protect your family financially.

Then you can attempt more Plan A.

jambear,

Does everyone know about this affair? If you haven't finished exposure....this would be a good time to do it. Also, if he won't commit to no contact....you can't reach recovery. Did he write a no contact letter to the OW?

After reading your posts....no....you aren't ready for Plan B. You've only been here a short time. On the sixth of this month, you were still threatening divorce and love busting....so you need to get control of those things and be consistent for a while.

Remember....this woman isn't better than you....but right now, she makes your husband feel better around her. That's why Plan A is so important.

(((((((((((((((jb))))))))))))))))))

I have exposed this A to everyone in our town and all the family, since it is a family affair. But I had help with that and most of it I did not need to do. My WH's aunt told everyone she could about it because she was so upset at him for hurting her son this way. He can not lost the cell phone, because it is for his business and he needs it, so I don't know what to do.

How can I continue on Plan A if he moves out and is with her all the time? I just don't know if I can handle that or not.

jammy,

Many people have to do Plan A while separated....it isn't uncommon. It's not as effective....so try to encourage him to to stay....but it is possible if you have to do it that way. You guys still have kids together, so unless you end contact....there will be lots of opportunity.

Why not give the Harley's a call?? If you could get your husband to talk to Steve or Jennifer even once....it could make a huge difference.

[b]He can not lost the cell phone, because it is for his business and he needs it, so I don't know what to do.[b]

This is my 2¢. Get him a new phone. You keep his old one, eveyone call except OW you give them the new#.

-rh-

Yea, but the cell number is on the business cards and in the yellow page ads we have listed. So, I just don't see that as an option, plus I think he is calling her and her calling him. So, if he got a new number I am sure he would just give it to her.

Starfish,

I have called Dr. Harley's show myself, but my WH would never do that, so that is out of the question. He is a down home southern boy and counsel just ain't his thing. It is a shame, because he needs it so bad. I know he is severely depressed and how do you help someone out of that that doesn't want to go to the doctor or seek counseling. I just don't know what to do. I want to just tell him if he is going to contact the OW then he can not talk to me or see me until he decided to stop. And how long to I do that? I just don't know what to do.

I have this extreme urge to call her and ask her why she is trying to ruin my family. You know if she was the friend she says she was, why would she want to hurt my family like this and try to destroy us. I don't care about me, but she says she loves the kids, then how could she do this to us and continue to talk to him whether he calls or she calls it does not matter. If he calls she could just not answer the phone and she could just not call. I just feel the need to do this and I need some advice of it this is an okay idea or not. I don't plan to get mad or anything like that. I just want her to know how much she hurting my kids and me by staying in contact with him.

JBT,

I am sorry to inform you that she doesn't care about, the children, your WH or herself. Her actions speak this. Your calling will have little to no effect on her actions and may even serve to push the two of them closer together (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

Now, what have you done in regards to exposure of OW? Husband, parents, grown children, friends, workplace, pastor????

I have exposed this to everyone I can think of, plus we live in such a small town, so everyone knew about it before I did. So, that part is done, but it does not seem to matter to either one of them. He says he is calling to check on her son, but her son is not his son and I just don't understand the need to check on him or know what is going on with him.

Her son is going through the same thing that my WH went through when he was that age, so I don't know if he is trying to relive the past through this kid or what it is. But he does not realize that he is doing the same thing to his son and daughter by continuing this contact with her. I just want to call her and let her know how I feel about this. I mean we are still family and her son is still part of our family, so maybe it will have an effect on her. I don't know. That is why I need the advice from others who have been through this.

This situtation is a little different, because of my WH having such an attachment to her son. My WH says he does not want to be with her, so why does he feel the need to call her. I am just desparate for some advice!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bumping up to get some advice PLEASEEEEEE!

OK...so what boundary did you lay out for your H on NC? Did you tell him clearly that you won't accept this any longer? That ANY contact was not acceptable, and that you're not willing to idly sit back and allow this to continue?

What does WH's parents say about this whole thing? Best friends? When you exposed, did you ask them to talk with him, to put pressure on him to end the affair and break contact? Did they all get the message that you're asking for this to save your marriage, not as some act to hurt your WH?

Is OW married? Have family/friends you can expose to?

I told him to have no contact with her or her son ever again. That meant phone and in person. His parents are very disappointed in him and all his friends are as well and have talked to him about not talking to her and to try to make things work with me and the kids. The OW is recently divorced because of this and all her family and friends know about this as well. It is like that does not matter to either one of them. My WH feels like he has no one to turn to. He told me that I was the one only there for me. Now tell me why would he want to leave then? I just don't understand what he wants. I just want some answers and I want to talk to her to see if I tell her how this is affecting my kids, she would back off.

I don't know, just need some advice on this.

I did call her today. I just aaked her why she was trying to ruin my family. She just said that why am I blaming everything on her and that I should be talking to my WH. I told her that I talk to him and I don't just blame her for things to have happened, I blame them both, but with her staying in contact with him, answering the phone everytime he calls, or meeting him somewhere to talk it is just causing us problems. She said that she does not talk to him all the time or a lot for that matter. But the fact is she is talking to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her if she ever cared about me or my kids then she will leave him alone and not answer the phone when he calls or see him. I know that this was useless to say, because if she ever did care about me or my kids she would have never done what she did to begin with. But this conversation made me feel better. If she has any kind of heart, then it will hurt her everytime she trys to call or trys to make contact. I doubt it, but maybe. I knew what kind of person she was before this, so I used that to try to hit a nerve in her.

I plan to talk to my WH about this and I did not tell her anything that I did not tell him to his face. I love him so very much, so I just don't understand why he wants to talk to her so much. She told me that he said he thinks that he caused so much damage that it is beyond repair. But I have done everything I can to make it clear that our marriage can be saved and I still believe that after all of this.

I just wish he would be open and honest with me and tell me when he feels like talking to her or seeing her or anything like that. I feel as long as he continues to talk to her or have contact with her I will have to go to Plan B. I don't know what else to do.

thanks,