This post was inspired by In_Limbo_Land and jambearT, but it's true for any situation where the WS says they want to recover the marriage, do some sort of NC letter or email, and then they break NC.

Let me remind the BS that an affair is like DRUG ADDICTION. Your WS is like a drug addict trying to kick the habit. Now, part of what made the affair-drug so alluring was that it FELT GOOD. It was new...it was exciting...there was adrenalin...there were endorphins...it felt good. Whether you were a perfect BS or a raging BS, the affair-drug felt like a high and marriage felt like a rut maybe. So just like a drug addiction, it started off with the drug making the addict feel good and feel high. Now, since it is an ADDICTION and not reality, eventually more and more of "the drug" is needed to sustain the same feeling...and we all know that can not be a long-term reality. But the drug addict doesn't think of that. ALL THEY CAN THINK OF is to get more, MORE, MORE!

Along comes the BS, like an intervention. The BS reminds the WS of reality and remind the WS that it's only a drug. Often, by then, the affair-drug is starting to lose some of it's "high" and so by then the addict can see a little bit of the truth. They can see how much the affair-drug is costing them and maybe even catch a glimpse that it's all just an illusion and not really a feel-good high after all. So the drug addict/WS says, "Okay, I don't want it to cost so much. It's not making me that high anymore anyway. Yeah--I'll quit" and they agree to NC. But like an ADDICT, once they stop going to the OP to feel good and feel that high, they have withdrawal. Imagine a drug addict going through withdrawal--not emotionally withdrawing feeling but actual, PHYSICAL withdrawal. It's like that. They ACHE to feel good again--to feel that "high" again.

Soooo...they come up with some reason or excuse to have "just a little" of their drug and they break NC. They call or email and for just a moment again have a taste of that good feeling! HIGH!! Getting through withdrawal HURTS and FEELS BAD--but just a moment with their drug, and they feel good and they're high again. It is just like a drug addict.

So, BS's...envision a drug addict when you think of your WS. How do you "make" a drug addict stop doing drugs? Do you reason with them? Beg? Threaten? Some of those things may temporarily cause the drug addict to change or stop for a while...but in the end, the only way for a drug addict to truly stop doing drugs is for THE ADDICT to decide within their own head that THEY NEED TO STOP OR THEY'LL DIE. It HAS GOT to be their decision...and they have to do all the work themself. If the drug addict is "reminded" to go to NA Meetings or "forced" to go to counseling, they are not doing it themselves or their own free will--someone is making them do something they do not want to do! So if you give your affair-addict a list of things to do, and it is not of their own free will something that they have chosen to do--they could attend all the counseling, renew vows, send NC letters, and all kinds of other stuff...and still be completely addicted and go back to the addiction as soon as no one is looking. Just like a drug addict--see???

Therefore, specifically for In_Limbo_Land and jambearT--here's what I suggest. You're WS's are ADDICTED. They had a moment of seeing what their drug is costing them and agreed to stop. But when the ACHE and HURT of withdrawal from their affair-addiction kicked in, they did not have the courage or conviction to get all the way through it. They returned to their drug...even if for a little fix. I would tell you the same thing I would tell the family of a drug addict: They will never stop until they have lost everything and hit rock bottom and until THEY realize that they have to stop and they do all the work themself. You love your addict, right? Then don't let them destroy you (and your family) while they fall to rock bottom. Do the most loving thing you can do for them, and help them see rock bottom as soon as possible. DO NOT under any circumstances protect them from the consequences of their choices. DO NOT give them a list of things to do to "make it right with you" because they are addicts...they will go through the motions just to keep the chance to continue with their drug. Remember, literally EVERYTHING that they say and do will be in an effort to continue with their drug...EVERYTHING. I-L-L...your WS said, "I want until Wednesday to decide" because now he has 3 more days of his drug!! He has YOU meeting these EN's and his drug meeting those EN's. He will do ANYTHING to keep postponing it, even if it's just for a few more days, hours or minutes!! So both of you, I-L-L and jambearT--start to envision your WS as a drug addict in your house. How would you protect your kids and your possessions in your house if you had a drug addict living with you? Would you think that the drug addict had your best interests in mind and would protect you from their addiction?? Or would you think that the addict would only be able to think of themself and getting their next fix...and that if they had to, they would sell you or your possessions down the river to get their drug? Uh huh.

When we tell you to protect yourself, it's not to be selfish or be mean to your WS for having an affair. It's because we
know that the addict will hurt you, harm you, sell everything you've worked so hard for, hurt your family, and tear you UP in order to get more of their affair-drug. They are addicted and can not see the harm they are doing. Thus, protect yourself just as you would if you had a druggy in your house. You may have to kick them out--to bring them to rock bottom faster and to protect yourself from THEIR harm because THEY are impaired. But beware of one common thing that often happens when there is an addict in the house: they will create a drama, get things ALL stirred up out of control...and that's when the cops are called or someone is watching and they can say, "See? SHE'S the one who is out of control, not me!" So beware of that! Know that they'll try that and be prepared for that! They may continue to do harmful, addict things, but no matter what...through it all...you need to be the calm, clear-headed, mature adult and not let your emotions spin you out of control. It's easy to feel all out-of-control because it hurts so much, but be firm and determined, and let their storm pass. Stay in control, no matter how they rage and whirl.

Have any of you ever SEEN a drug addict go through withdrawal? There is physical withdrawal and there is mental withdrawal. And before any addict with go through withdrawal, they will try EVERY STUNT IN THE BOOK to avoid it. I've seen addicts fight, and kick, and scream. I've seen them agree to go quietly and then break and run for it. I've seen them do EVERYTHING including soiling themselves and throwing up and EVERYTHING to get out of having to do it...to prolong it for just a little while longer...to put it off. Okay...then when they finally DO start to go through physical withdrawal, at first they are a little restless and sickish--maybe feverish--but pretty soon they actually are SICK and HURT. They have to have a lot of courage and determination to get through it, and that's why it has to be THEIR idea--otherwise, once it gets a little hard, they'll quit. And I'm not talking about will-power here--I'm talking about they WANT it. So it HURTS...they shake and cry...they make feel sick or even BE sick. And a BS has to sit by their addicted WS while they watch them go through that. Then, when the addict is done with physical withdrawal, there's the harder part: getting out of the habit...learning to do it a new way...figuring out how you got there and how to do something different. There's one part, which is hard, that is just recognizing that you have to do things entirely different now--you can't return to "the way it used to be" or else you'll end up in the exact same place! Then there' the other part about learning new habits...trying new ways of behaving and thinking...really EXAMINING yourself and figuring out why you do some of the things you do and FIXING yourself. It is HARD WORK!! And a WS has to go through ALL THAT before they are out of the woods with their affair-addiction.

In conclusion...I'll be concrete. Do not make decisions with your feelings--use your BRAINS!! Be smart and protect yourself and your family--because I guarantee your addict will not. Finally, do not give them a "list" of what to do to make it right with you. Let them do ALL the work. (BTW, I'm not saying you don't have work of your own to do--I'm just saying, let them figure it out and show you if they are sincere.) Let THEM do what they know is right to end the affair. Let THEM send NC letters and give you passwords and voluntarily be accountable for their time. Let THEM figure out which counselor to go to and figure out how THEY are going to pay for it! Let THEM decide that they dearly, deeply WANT IT. Then...and only then...will there be a possibility for recovery. Until THEY get into it and get involved and DESIRE IT so badly that they are willing to work for it, chances are it will just be a false recovery.

... [color:"red"]and they might even go shave off all their hair ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

CJ,

Thanks for the thoughts and words.

Right now, I believe nothing from him.

And if that does not change, I know what to do.

I am going to see what happens with our appointment with SH. If the right things don't start happening very soon, the other shoe will indeed drop.

bump for marriedforever

FaithfulwifeCJ

Excellent and educational post!

What an awesome post, my friend...

(...nice to SEE YOU <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, by the way!)

NEW_BEGINNING!!!!

OMG, I haven't seen you in SO LONG!!! Somehow I lost you!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((NB))))))))))))))))))))))))))

YAY (FaithfulCJ dancing at work--making everyone question her sanity)!!!!!!!!!!!!

How are you? You can email me if you like--at the above hotmail addy. It's active, baby!!

Man, I love you and miss you!!!

Your true and faithful friend,

CJ

Yep, that about says it. Been there, done that.

Yes, echo2echo--but did you get the T-shirt?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />