Grrr. I have been separated for almost 7 months. During the past few months things have been going back and forth with me and my H. He would act in a matter that had me thinking that he was considering working on the M, I was trying to do everything that I could to not LB. Along the way he would throw wrenches in here and there, usually it would be when we would do something without the kids, he would do something that would push my buttons. Or several things, if I did not react. I TRIED so hard to NOT react, sometimes I would, sometimes I wouldn't... Overall, I have not been reacting a great deal. I have tried to be open and accomodating, I have worked on myself as a person. We had some good talks in the past couple of weeks, some good things.

So last week he said that he was 'so sorry for everything he did, and he hoped I could forgive him someday" He hugged me and would not let go. I was good about it, told him I did forgive him, and we seemed to go in a positive direction.

Then came this Monday. He was supposed to watch the kids, then he 'forgot' and got angry with me that he was watching them. This was after we had had a LONG talk about him spending more time with the kids, and how he wants to, and I kind of needed him to to get a break. A long story short, he was an out and out jerk about it, called me several times, called me a b, when I got home, I lashed out at him too, and told him I was sick and tired of him treating me so poorly, especially when I have been trying so hard to improve myself, and improve our R. He said that he was 'done with me, we are THROUGH!" and went squeeling out of the driveway... (might I add that I told him he could go F himself then... I know, I know. A momentary lapse...)

When I got in the house I saw that he had left a message earlier for me, it said that 'what you have done is inexusable, as of now he is not going to help me at all with the kids, since I 'duped' him into watching the kids (he had agreed to watch them for me on FRIDAY, and he 'forgot', and will not admit that he ever had agreed to it). That the reason he does not see the kids is because of me, I do not let him see them because I do 'this' all of the time (in his mind, sucker him into watching the kids longer than I said that I would need him to- the real problem is that he will agree to watch them, then he makes plans on top of my plans, and expects me to accomodate him-we had just talked last week about this, and he said that he would stop doing that, he understood how it would be frustrating- I NEVER intentionally come to get the kids late, nor do I tell him a time and then not show up for hours... I did not want him to say that I did tha so that this kind of situation could be avoided, and he would have no reasons to stay away from the kids) Then he closed out the message saying "You told me to let you know if I was dating. Consider yourself informed." That was it.

So the thing is, I told him that if I ever knew that he was dating, or with anyone else, that I would file for a D, something that for whatever his reasons are, he will not do, or so far has not done. I left him a message saying that he cannot blame me for not seeing the kids, I have offered several times to drop them off at a third party, meet him somewhere so I will not be tempted to talk to him, etc. He has refused to do this. I also told him that he can have whoever he is dating, I am not going be sitting here trying to win him back.

So I called a lawyer, and got very depressed. It could be final in as little as 61 days. 61 days. That is not a long time. I talked about finances, my DH (ha-ha) said that he wanted half the equity of the house if we got a D, the lawyer said that he probably could get it, unless we compromise on other issues like our savings account (he has none), retirement funds, etc. She also suggested that I try to be very nice to him so that he will not want to throw wrenches into this too.... MY HEAD IS SPINNING. Not only did I lose my emotional security (M) now I am going to potentially have to take out a new loan on the house, pay him half the equity, and raise up my mortgage, which would make it hard for me to stay at my house, but now I may lose my stability (MONEY!) that I have worked so hard to save... He is being MEAN to me now...

I actually felt sad about it all. So then my H calls me, all sweet as pie, he put the child support check in the mailbox- did I get it? I asked him how, since he had not told me that he was going to put it there... Then he says, "so, did you call the lawyer?" I told him that yes I did. So he got an angry tone to his voice and told me that I better not try to screw him over with everything, he is going to contact his lawyer and... I cut him off. I said to him, "what happened to us using the same lawyer, and being fair to eachother?" He said, "well, we will see. I want to see what your lawyer comes up with first".

I talked to my friends, family, they all think that I should go forward with it, I think that I need to do SOMETHING to get this rolling in some direction. If I know that he is trying to see other people ( I really did not think that he was, and he always told me that he would never do that to me, he knows how bad it hurts, so I never thought that he would hurt me in that manner- how naive of me)

I did not want the D, I wanted to make it work, which I had hope for until this Monday. Should I file now, since I told him that I would, or should I just disappear (plan b) and not do anything??? He has already arranged it so that we will not have any contact, or need to talk until next week. My heart is sad. I feel betrayed, yet I feel self-riteous too- how dare he go and 'date' people. And then deep down, I wish that I did not know that he said he is 'dating' and that we could go on... we still were having some decent talks and times together, and now that is over. I cannot just do nothing- I cannot sit here benignly while he is 'trying out' other people. I have to do something to let him know that I am not going to just sit here and take THAT on top of everything else I have taken from him, yet the financial aspects of the D are so DAUNTING to me right now, and the whole implication that I know that it will be over, for real, once I do file. He is too proud and hard headed to say, "no, don't file." I felt he was taunting me when he called to ask if I called a lawyer - like 'ha, ha, you said that you would file if you ever knew, now you do, do something."
Any words of advice from anyone???????

Tell him you made a mistake. You don't do divorce, you do marriage.

Plan A, then a very hard Plan B is your best shot.

What has your Plan A time been like so far? How long have you Plan A'd?

Please read the links in my sig lines and see if they ring a bell - especially the first one.

You may also want to do a Google search on the psychological term "gaslighting".

Your WH is being unspeakably and deliberately cruel to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Mulan

Mulan-
I actually have the book on the passive agressive man- it is true, that is what he is like, now. He did not always act this way. He used to be very loving towards me... I cannot communicate efficiently with him about a lot of our problems, because they are MY problems, not his.

Neak-
If he is seeing someone else, I do not, nor do I think I can plan A him. I would disgust myself. I have already done a lot to try to repair our marriage, in comparison to his little scraps that he has thrown out to me here and there. I did not know if maybe just cutting off all contact for a while to see what happens may be a good idea... he knows that I would be willing to save the marriage, but it would be work on BOTH of our parts. So far he has been having his cake and eating it too... me taking care of the kids, getting SOME time with him, so he could act like he has a happy little family still. But then mostly it is back to his daily routine, which I do not even know what it REALLY is...

He is PA, to a T. I just do not know how I should proceed right now... what I should do... I am confused.

Words of advice...
well, that all depends on your goals. First off, he most likely has been "dating" for a while. This means affair. Do you want him back if he has cheated? If the answer is no, proceed directly to divorce.... no sense in wasting time.
If the answer is maybe or yes...read all there is to read on this site. But make sure this is what you want....he sounds like an abusive jerk to me. He obviously does not value his children very much either.
So, why would you want to remain married to him??? Only you can answer that question.

MEDC

You know, I really do not know if he has been having an A- everyone that I know that we know says no, when I have had people 'show up' where he is, he is just with his gaggle of guy friends (all single).

But he USED to value his children, he used to value me... I just do not know what is going on with him. EVERYONE used to think that he was a great person and man.. and everyone that was close to both of us, he has stopped talking to (guilt I assume).

I wanted to give our marriage every chance that I could, for everything that we had invested in it, and the kids. I just do not want to be hasty, and I wanted to give him every chance to 'change his mind'. And now that is why I was thinking maybe just cutting him off from all contact with me might make him realize what he was throwing away, and it would kind of get the pressure off of me to be this or that way around him... especially now that I am angry and hurt about a possible A.

That is why I wanted to remain married to him, because he did not use to be this way, and he used to be a good man. I know that I am saying used to, and I should look at him now, but I just seem to do that completely.