This is my first time. So I apologize if I am not as savy as others.

The A happened 18 months ago. I was in a stressful job, experiencing constant migrains and other cronic pain and getting quickly hooked on pain meds. I was in a drepression that I didn't even see until I crashed at a million MPH. I had a bad job, bad boss, lots of pain, was losing my faith in God and a H that was chasing a dream that kept him away from home more than I wanted.

My heart broke everytime that he left. But I didn't know how to get through to him.

Then a co. manager (a stalker actually, I discovered later) started coming around and calling at work. Before I knew it I fell into a trap of someone wanting to be with me and filling a need for "friendship." He talked a lot about helping me get a promotion, how to talk to my husband and expressed concerned about my physical health.

Luckily the A did not go the distance and was only a few weeks in length. But, I still am heartbroken that I was able to love my H so much and want him so desparately and have fallen into this A.

I am so confused because I read about people wanting to be with the other. And, I can honestly say, I did not want to be with him. I felt as though I was doing things through a fog.

I am incredibly remorseful and sadden and repentant. I take full responsiblity .... but I still feel as though there is something else. I would give anything to have had this not to have happened. But, on the other hand, I feel like I can't be the only one that ever had something that broke them mentally and then they fell.

Recently I was referred to a hormone specialist and they feel that I have a hormone problem ... the counselor I saw after D day, stated that I had issues with my childhood, and was in a deep depression. I have tremors, new alergies, heart pallpitations, and a host of other physical sysmptoms.

But, my H can't understand that I was mentally sick and I'm still recovering. He only wants to focus on the A, still wants to discuss, and still has so much anger about it. So much of each of us seems destroyed by this A.

And the sad thing is I still desparately love my H, whom I hurt so deeply, and I still desparately miss him, the real person who loves me back.

Hopefully someone can help me see through this nightmare.

lilmom

So you do want a plan or .....?

Welcome to MB, Lilmom. I'm sure you will find help here.

A few questions: the A was 18 months ago...did your H find out then or just recently? And does your userID mean that you have children?

OK, your sitch. In a nutshell: you were stressed, lonely and tempted, and you succumbed.

Put it another way - you were not able to deal with your stress and loneliness in such a way that you could resist the temptation, right?

Now look at this from your H's viewpoint. The combination of stress, loneliness and temptation is likely to happen to all of us in life many times. If it happens to you again, what power do you have to resist? From his viewpoint, you're claiming that you have weaknesses that are not entirely under your control. To him, this screams IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. Do you see that?

I'm not questioning the possibility that physical problems and low-level depression have been contributing factors, but many people suffer from those symptoms and don't succumb to affair temptation. These factors may contribute to the stress and lower the resistance to temptation, but they don't make it inevitable that the person will give in. The difference is...what? Ask yourself.

As I read it, you long for your H to see your viewpoint and excuse you for your lapse...to see you as an essentially good person who 'couldn't help herself'. Can you see how this is not reassuring to him? Can you see that your blamelessness is not the big issue for him?

What do you think he wants from you now?

TA

Of course he only wants to talk about the affair. Your betrayal is as traumatic as being RAPED. He will be talking and thinking about it for YEARS. This will not just blow over. It is as traumatic as being raped or the death of a child.

Your H is on the floor bleeding to DEATH and you are talking about your stress as if it had anything to do with the affair. It has NOTHING to do with the affair. You had an affair because you CHOSE to have an affair and for no other reason. You are not a victim here. He is the only victim.

He will never recover until you take responsibility for your CHOICE and stop blameshifting this on "stress." He can't trust you out of his sight until you do this.

Everyone has "stress," lilmom, everyone. It is never an excuse to have an affair. Stop the victim act and start facing your sorry behavior. Until that happens, your H should not trust you out of his sight.

When did he find out about the a affair? When was your last contact with the OM?

Being a Betrayed Spouse I can absolutely agree with what MelodyLane wrote. It is the most traumatic experience to date that I have ever experienced, and I've been through a lot of cr#p in my life.

In order for your husband to get through it he will need you to let him express his pain and answer the questions he will ask. This will not be an overnight thing. It will take years. It's going to be a long and sometimes painful journey taken one day at a time.

If you love him let him vent and let him know how very sorry you are for your lapse in good judgement.

Look up Dr. Frank Gunzburg and read everything you can get your hands on. He writes to both the BS and the WS. His advice has helped me considerably.

Good Luck and Take Care.

Welcome, LM...

I think our definitions of being mentally sick differ:

"But, my H can't understand that I was mentally sick and I'm still recovering."

What was your medical diagnosis?

Here we call it the Entitlement fog...where you create resentment in yourself and believe it's coming from your BH...then you build on it until hardens into entitlement...which then allows you to rape your partner's soul.

And a key choice is lack of respect...where you don't see yourself as separate and equal to your BH, responsible for your choices, which is every nanosecond you're alive...and where you choose your beliefs, perceptions, thoughts and perspectives...and don't live from your feelings (which are signals to you, about you, from your beliefs).

Please hear these supportive posters clearly...

They are deeply concerned for you, your BH and your marriage.

Most of all, you...because if you don't understand you chose, you have that power, and if you choose to believe instead that you get done to, forced into, swept away, then you will again and again...and many other souls out there to rape.

Now...that fog is generated by those choices...resentment and not respecting yourself, your marriage and your BH...you can protect yourself from falling into fog by minding it's origins, choosing to not act if you will resent, knowing it's poison to you...

Is this Co. Manager married? Did you expose to his BW?

You say you didn't want him...and you did it for weeks, anyway...when you hate yourself, you'll hate others...do destructive things to you...you're sure to do them to others.

If you want to live in freedom, responsibility and real love...stay here and keep reading...many of us earned our "F" as in formerly WW's...you can, also.

We do it through owning our stuff, personal recovery, and doing whatever it takes to heal our betrayed partners.

And we do it honestly...because self-deception is the fog...results from those same three ingredients...and it's self-induced.

Doesn't matter, btw, if it only lasted a few weeks, two years or one night...the devastation felt by the BS is the same...it's HUGE...bottomless...stunning. Get to know what your BH feels, thinks, help him with his triggers...be honest in every detail he asks for...find your way back to your own self-respect and integrity...and honor your marriage, even when you don't feel like honoring your spouse.

You can do this.

LA

lilmom,

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

I thought given the responses you have received so far, you may be wondering if this is the right place for you.

I was where you are once. And I can tell you everything you have been told so far is the God's honest, painful, dirty truth.

I am a FWW. I have had a diagnosis of clinical depression since 1996 as well as panic/anxiety disorder. I have one daughter with a serious, rare genetic condition. I almost died from a blood clot to my brain. I suffered a nerve disorder two years ago that still causes me pain to this day.

Last Spring I had two EA's. I could say it was because I was depressed and I could give a lot of excuses but what it boils down to is that the opportunity was there, it felt good, and I choose to engage in behavior that was wrong, immoral, and hideousely painful to my H, BECAUSE IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD AT THE TIME.

Ownership of our actions is quite a painful thing. But it is a necessary step (dare I say hurdle?) on the road to recovery. Nothing, no disease, condition, etc. justifies those wrong choices. The blame rests solely with us.

Did these things make us more susceptible than we would have ordinarily have been absent the depression and medical factors...possibly. Are they an excuse...NO.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. Your husband cannot be held at fault because of needs you did not communicate to him, so you will need to learn how to do that. You will need to learn how to cope with whatever mental/medical conditions you have in a way that does not endanger your husband's well-being and your marriage. You will have to make some painful discoveries within yourself to heal. You won't just be healing your marriage, you will have to heal yourself.

For your husband to ever have the remotest chance of forgiving you, you will have to display true remorse, each and every day, for as long as it takes , and show by your actions that he can trust you again.

If you haven't read through the concepts in this site, you need to do that ASAP.

You will need to find the strength to listen to the painful truths that the wonderful people here will impart to you on your journey.

You are just getting started, you have a long road ahead of you, but you are not alone.

Mom

Lilmom, The most important thing is that you caught on as to what was going on, and more importantly, that you have remorse for what occurred.

Thanks so much for everyone's input. Especially MomtoAandZ. I don't feel so alone. I want to make it very clear....I do take responsibility for my decision to do this.

The problem is my H keeps asking why? We have gone over all of the reasons, discoveries about myself and our relationship -- but not excuses. I have taken and still take responsibility. I have cried every day for a year and now I'll probably have 2 days a week I don't cry. I am unbelievably remorseful. I feel like a failure. I ruined a marriage that wasn't perfect, but it was a million times better than what I have now.

My medical condition was Severe depression (some refer to it as a nervous break down). For those that want to have fun looking up medical conditions, I have a problem with my adrenal gland - elevated metaepherines, and something else going on with either a severe allergy that is depleating essential minerals in my body, or an issue with my Pituitary Gland. I'm still being put through a ton of tests.

As for the question about the Manager - he was recently divorced. He came to me. We found out later, he was stalking me for months prior and continued to do so. He is not a nice person. My eyes are now, very open and I can barely stand to be out in public. . . but I have kids to take care of so I do. This is what I am talking about when I say I am still trying to get better mentally.

My H yelling at me and calling me names, waking me up in the middle of the night to yell about things we have talked about a million times, they through me into an episode and I end up with a panic attack.

How do I answer why?

I do need a plan.

----
I can't get the quick reply to work. It keeps saying forum no longer available. Am I doing something wrong?

Forgot to note that my H discovered the A 17 months ago and came and got me from work. I quit and now work part time. He is a VERY STRONG person - mentally strong. And, forgets nothing.

We have 2 kids 9 & 16. My 16 year old was told by his dad and believe it or not it has strengthened our relationship.

He saw the sadness prior to the A, and hears the fights. (My H will not watch what he says in front of the kids) I'm worried that he will end up hating his dad.

Any suggestions there?
----
now the quick reply is working --- could it be length???

Did you end all contact with the OM?
Do you EVER see or talk to him?
When was the LAST contact?
Did you answer all your husband's questions about the affair?
Will your H come here and talk to us?

Absolutely.

The last time was when my H insisted I call and tell him that he needed to be careful as my H was VERY angry. This was about 6 wks after D. The last time I saw OM right before D. No contact other than by phone when BH was there. No desire to even know OM is alive.

I answered too many questions. They are still on going. He asks the same questions still. He still asks for details. We had a counselor that said quit talking about it. But he can't.

I don't know if he would come and talk to the forum. We tried a counselor twice and H just ends up screaming. He says he knows what happened and they can't help him.

I thought I would see if I could find some help here. Maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow about it. I have to wait for a good day.

How long ago was this last contact? How can your H be assured that you have ended contact? Have you opened up your life to him?


Do you answer his questions fully, completely and honestly? Or do you answer only exact questions like a hostile defense witness? Does he BELIEVE you have been completely honest? Is there any information you have withheld from him?


It would be helpful if he could come here and talk to us.

last contact was 18 mos ago -- 6 weeks after he disclosure -- sorry just realized that looked like divorce. We are still married.

I answered them fully. And then he'll ask them again later and say that I was lying if they aren't exactly the same. A lot of the exact questions are gone. Now it is just Why. How do I answer Why?

Again, I have to wait for a good day to ask him to talk to the forum.

lilmom,

I'm glad to see you're still here. Your H could really benefit from being here also.

You can't give your FBH a good answer because there isn't one. At one point, when asked why by my H, I replied, crying hysterically,

'because obviously I'm a sl*t"...(translation...I don't know why I did something so horrible, I must be a bad person!!).

Once you come out of the fog you realize there is no answer or excuse. You did it because it felt good and you wanted it, selfishly, regardless of who it hurt at the time.

You could go over that a million times, but no answer is going to be satisfactory...there's nothing that makes it excusable. He is looking for something that you can't give him or even yourself! A good reason!

Could you tell us exactly what questions he asks and exactly how you respond to give us a better idea of what might be going on?

Also, please answer Mel's q's above too. She's scary smart!

That should give us a better handle on your situation.

I know this is really hard. There aren't easy answers and some BS's will take longer to recover than others. It's up to you to do whatever it takes until that happens.

I know how bad you feel about yourself. You feel like warmed over dog...well you get the idea. I felt it a lot, now less and less. It's very hard to understand how a good wife ends up doing this, hurting the people we love and ourselves! I still don't understand it!

I am proud of you for taking responsibility for what you did and taking steps to help your M recover.

-Mom

Thanks Mom and Mel ...

I answered his questions. I tried to answer through the tears, and give him everything (not hostile) and then he would ask exactly where were his hands, what side of the bed were you laying, did you have your shirt up, did he stick his tongue down your throat, and on and on and on. What time did you leave, what time did you get there, is his pool in ground or out, was his bedroom on the front or back of the house. And, WHY, WHY, WHY....

I have said the same several times and be asked "I'm just wondering why my wife was such a sl*t, Wh*re, B**ch."

I deserve everything I'm getting.

lilmom

LilMom

Technical note: the quick reply problem is a dratted nuisance that affects everyone. It's a time-out issue. The thing to do is to highlight and copy your whole post before posting, so that if it times out you can reproduce your post fairly quickly.

We all complain about it.

TA

If your post is going to be longer then just a quick hit ...

Type your responses out in an email box,
Then when done ...copy and paste it into the MBer posting box and send.

This will keep you from losing your Words due to the darn website itself.

In addition,
it will save you untold Aggravation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> over losing your thoughts and time spent typing .
Plus you can use the spell check to go over it before you post it for the world to see.

Lilmom,

Maybe I can help you a little, I am a BS/LBS (betrayed/left behind spouse. Since I not one for BS or candy coating, I will be throwing you some hard fastballs today. Ok lets cut to the chase.

When you married you promised to love, honor, cherish, and FORSAKE all others, until death do you part, not until inconvenient... What part of that did you miss...

Ok The term emotionally RAPED used by the FWW is close...
I think molested is closer... When you are betrayed by the one closest to you... think how you would feel/act if your dad raped you and you are real close... yup workes for me.

Ok about hubby being pissed, hurt etc... OH YEA and you don't help your self when you p*ss and moan about stress, sick... etc etc As for major depression, anxiety got it by the car load. been there, done that, got the Tee shirt. You want it... Ill give it to you, that is dosn't give you a free pass...


You tossing out, justifing, Excuses, pure BS... You CHOISE to give it up to another man what you promased to only give to your H, END OF STORY. If my WW ever shovels the crap your shoveling she would never be allowed back period.

Ok lets talk stress... Do you have a clue the strees you placed you BS under. I have been going through this crap since november, I have lost 60 pounds, I can't eat , sleep, my bp was 180/130, my guts feel like there is a sword in them every day, EVERYDAY! Can you imagine having someone you gave you everything too crumple you up like a used beer can and toss you away aside like yesterdays newpaper. That is the ****** I am living through... That is the ****** you put you H through. and you expect a easy path back RIGHT, no way sister...

Ok next... The other FWW are on target! Cut the crap and the excuses... There is NO excuse for allowing another man between your legs, or (with an EA between your ears ) that passes the smell test NONE!

OK what can you do to get out of the mess YOU SHELFISLY created.

Ok answer your H question fully, no BS, no excuses. The "I Have no excuse I was a Sl*t works for me". that has a ring of truth to it.
Next full transparity, complete, you have to expect to live under a microscope, you have to invite him to put you under a microscope. And you should expect to be there a lone time maybe forever. You shatterd your H trust, shattered! That isn't something easly regained...

Ok, it isn't about what you say, it is about what you do... Your actions must meet your words everyday, every time, no execptions. H will be looking for any hint of decption, ANY hint, I would be, and there better be none. let get this stright you made this mess, you need to do the heavy lifting to clean it.

last Ok can he FORGIVE maybe, I can, I would.. Will he (will I) FORGET, NO, NOT EVER.

hope that help some...

Jim
BS/LBS

KEN:

Nice Rant.

But this ain't Mrs. Ken.

Sorry about that.

Has LilMom got some issues to be addressed and need to get off the victimhood?

YES.

But Mr. LilMom is being warm and fuzzy isn't he?



That can really help.

Builds self esteem and really helps LilMom's insecurities.

And if MY BS Acted like that to me on a regular basis, this M would be over.

HAve I answered Mrs. LG's Questions? Concerns?

Yes.

Have I been transparent?

Yes.

Has LilMom?

She claims to be, and is 18 months past Dday.

Is Mr LilMom destroyed?

Yes.

Can he put in some effort now?

I certainly hope so.

Cause LilMom does not have to live in that enviornment either.

LilMom:

You are here. It's a good place for you to be. You can start working out alot of issues here.

Understanding what is going on with your BH, and learning to deal with his response to the A.

But Mr. LilMom has to pull some weight also.

Recovery is hard. You have 15 years of bad marriage to work thru, and then the devestation of the A.

I'm glad your here.

Look for help from Marshmallow. She has great advice for you.

LG