LS,

I've not posted to you before, but have recently started following your thread. Just wanted to share a few things with you because some of the things you have posted sound oh so familiar.

My H's A was absolutely devastating to me. I was toatlly blindsided. I heard:

I'm not the same person.
People change.
I wasn't really being my true self.
We aren't right for each other.
There's just something about her, she's my soulmate.
Her husband doesn't understand her.
Blah, blah, blah.

I thought my H was gone forever. I began to believe that WH was who he really had been all along, that our time together was all a lie, that he had been an imposter all along.

Thank God I had this site.

I did Plan A. I did it while he was living in his own apartment. It was tough, but I did it for me, knowing that I would be able to say that I had made chnages for the better.

A fit of anger threw me into an abrupt Plan B. It lasted for 3 weeks and H came running back with an I'm sorry letter. I felt much like you did during my first Plan B. I worried that I was just giving up, that he would be thrilled to be free, that no longer would he feel torn, that there would be nothing I could do. I worried, I speculated, I imagined. I had visions of him and OW laughing at my expense, planning their lives together, planning to have a child (something that I couldn't give him.) Oh yes, it hurt and I was a mess. But I kept reading and posting here and things began to make sense.

That first recovery was a false one. I now know that he came back because he hated Plan B so much, not because he was ready to give up OW.

My point is that while I thought he was happy and living it up, he has told me that he was actually lonesome and miserable. The life of affair partners is really not what we imagine it to be. That's why it's good to just turn over all thoughts and fears to God.

You'll get through this, LS.

My H wanted us to remain friends because he "still cared about me". Plan B gave him a cold hard look at what life without Lizzie would be like. Throughout last summer, we followed a predictable pattern. I told him not to contact me at all unless he was ready to talk about recovering our marriage. He honored that for the most part, but he would get his Lizzie fix by asking BIL about me and the boys. My BIL gave him all the newsy detauils, the funny stories, and the updates hoping that WH would realize all that he was missing. I finally asked BIL not to mention me anymore so that WH would really be in the drak. That's when it really started to hit home with him. Every 2 or 3 weeks I would get a little e-mail. He was sending out feelers, these ILYBNILWY letters with a little bait attached (can we meet to talk, jsut thinking of you, missing you, blah, blah, blah) which I mostly ignored. I did let myself get sucked back in once or twice. I counseled with SH and we agreed on a modified Plan B towards the end. H actually had 1 session with Steve Harley. I heard that it finally ended with OW. He had spent all summer calling her 20 to 30 times a day, but she very seldom called him back. She decided to stay with her H.

So he contacted me and started with the I'm not sure what I want speech again. By this time, I was ready to move on and told him so.

We are now recovering. I would have bet my life that we never would have gotten here. Just keep reading everyone's stories. They all follow the same script. I found a lot of comfort in that while I was in Plan B. I still find comfort in that now that we are recovering.

Another little tid-bit. NEVER call oW by her name. It makes her a person. Refer to her as "your affair partmner" or "so-and-so's wife" or "Mrs. Last Name". I don't know the specifics of your sitch, if OW is till married, or how long the A has been going on, but I know it helped me immenselt to refer to her as a non-person. I called her R.J.'s wife. My son and OW's daughter were in the same class. I referred to the girl as R.J.'s daughter. It was R.J.'s family, R.J.'s house, the road R.J. lives on...you get the point. It was a constant reminder (and still is) that OW was someone else's wife, and had a life and a family with someone else. It was a little reality bringer. My H even now refers to her as "whatshername."

(((LilSis)))

DITTO, LIZZIE....

Her STORY..her SCRIPT..is almost the same as mine....

Lizze

thank you for sharing your story

these are the stories that i really need to hear (ask mimi. she'll tell you!)

it does sound as though so many plan B gave the WS a reality check and brought them home

your separation and plan B were nowhere near as long as mine....i'm still waiting.......

i wonder if ANYONE's is as long as mine

mimi keeps telling me the life of the A partners isn't what i think it is....you're saying the same thing

Jennifer Harley says this to me each time we have a session...in fact, the last time, she was really firm about it and said there is NO WAY my H is getting his needs met, there is NO WAY he's happy, and there is NO WAY these two "renters" are not lovebusting each other

the A WILL END that's what Jennifer says

(still looking out the window waiting but he's not on his way home!)

how about a thread just for all of us in plan B telling us the success stories and things that we need to know to give us hope

Thank you, everyone. I just returned home with the boys and a cousin in tow, and they are playing with the baby rats. What wonderful, inspiring words of wisdom were waiting here for me. I can't thank you enough...I needed this today.

The wisdom here is astonishing. I am envious of all the sound, sage advice. Can I be a wise person for a while instead of this flailing, uncertain, confused, scared woman?

I did go to church this morning, but it didn't help resolve my feelings from this AM. I actually felt flat, all the way through. It just wasn't touching me the way it usually does. So my anxiety increased. Maybe I don't believe anymore? Has all of this just sucked it all out of me? Maybe I'm all wrong? Maybe God knew my doubt and has pulled away? How does God feel about doubt? Shouldn't faith be unquestioning??

I still don't know. And it bothers me. Am I just trying to be perfect?

AJ: Thank you for the scripture reference. That is one I will bookmark...it's nice to know right where to turn for specific types of inspiration.

After the service, we were milling around, and I feel my phone vibrate. My intermediary had called, no message. Now the anxiety comes again...I immmediately assume, what does WH want? I start speculating...he's leaving tomorrow AM for Pheonix and he's wanting to see the boys. How is that going to work? I call GF, no answer.

So I came out of church...sat in the car while the kids played on the playground, and called my mom, sobbing. Of course she wants to DO something, I told her all I need is someone to cry to. She let me do that! Hooray (usually she wants to just fix stuff). So I cry to her, for an hour.

Came home just now after lunch at BIL/SILs...there's a message from GF, asking me to call. I did, no answer.

I'm still anxious that WH wants to plan some last minute get-together with the boys before he leaves in the AM. Nevermind that he's known his departure date for at least three weeks...

Also...tomorrow is their three year anniversary (WH and RT). I don't know exactly what happened, but it is a significant date for them and I was out of town. A quarter of my married life. One third of DS8's life.

SL, FB, Lizzie...THANK YOU so much for sharing your stories and observations. I so want to get to the place that BR talks about...when I have a succulent life that is about ME, when I'm not obsessing. I just can't quite figure out how to get there, and I need that assurance that it's okay, that I'm normal for not being able to figure that out just yet; that it may take some time to switch gears, to find my way.

eav: I thought the SAME thing about a Plan B thread of success stories/inspiration....to go along with the party thread. We kind of need both...the fun to keep us sane, and the functional to give us hope.

TA: I'm not sure his "bad boy" side was "seduced" as much as he had such supreme confidence in his "good boyishness" that he never considered himself susceptible....until it was too late. I also think that's part of what the Nixon stuff is about...he's still a "good boy" by honoring his "commitment" to RT. It's noble and all to stand up for true love...you and I against the world.

LG: The sermon today included a reference to "signposts" on our faith journey...how when we are lost in the forest and find a signpost, it has tremendous significance, but when we are on a road and know our way, we don't pay nearly as much attention to signposts. I am in the forest; your reference to signposts among all this wonderful advice and counsel is...I think...significant.

About my dad...I have gotten to a place where I can think more about his life, see his smile, hear his laugh, and less about the last five years when he was in misery with cancer and surgeries and chemo. But when I get to a bad place myself, of course that's what I remember...how unfair it was.

Along with skylite, pep, and mimi, you've all given me permission to have these yucky feelings for a while as I work my way through this mess, and given me hope for actually making it out on the other side...a more whole and confident LS.

I'm still working on it...I'll just think of it as my withdrawal; this too shall pass.

BR:
I am CHOOSING to think about the things I am so very grateful for! (clearly grammar is not one of them right now and Miss Perfect is okay with that!)

I am so very grateful for everyone here!

PS: does it get easier to redirect thoughts with practice?

I can tell you what I did LilSis,
Everytime I found myself obsessing about things I could not control I would consciously think of something positive to counter it. If I worried about where ex-WH was and what he was doing with OW, I immediately flipped my thoughts to something I could control. I'd start working on plans to pursue dreams, goals and hobbies that I'd always been interested in. I took all of the energy I was using on OW and ex-WH and channeled it into myself. I took a gourmet cooking class, I learned to salsa dance, I started entertaining guests in my home. I would throw dinner parties for my closest friends. Sometimes I'd just invite 2 people but we would have the grandest time, eating on the best china in the house! Treat yourself well. With practice you will see how it becomes much easier to re-direct your thoughts.
I would tell myself that obsessing over WH and OW was someohow helping them out with their A, that helped me to take the focus off of them. Mentally, I decided to drop the load where it belonged, right in their laps, and get on with my life. I could not be afraid to face what the next day would hold for me. It was like wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it everytime I thought of the two of them. They had robbed me of enough time. It was time to be good to myself and to focus on how grand life can be. I had to do it for myself. It works. Life goes on and I am happier now than ever. You will be happy again. God knows what's best for us even when we don't.

Sis,


You are fantasizing about THEIR life together. The very same way THEY fantasize. Stop, and replace your fantasy with reality.

It is NOT a fairyland over there. It is turd-land.

It started in sin, grew in sin, and remains in sin.

Darkness. Evil. Stench.

Even God turns his eyes away.

Remember that.

SB

A technique that worked for me was when a negative or compulsive repetative thought would enter my mind - A related - I would freeze the thought and stare it down until it would invariably discipate. Try it out. We don't have to entertain those negative, upsetting thoughts just because they rise to the surface of our minds.

lilsis, what I do when I feel anxiety is just STOP. totally stop and don't speak or act...I stay silent...difficult at first but then it got easier....when you got that phone call...and your heart stopped?? yes, that feeling....I stop and specifically "don't do anything" until I start to feel calm again...then I can think a bit more rationally....then I think about all of my choices to respond to this action...

sometimes when I can't get calm quickly, I journal my feelings...everything i want to do...say...scream...act out...I write emails or post here.
after I start to feel better I find its easier to say to myself "Nothing I do or say will change this"(my new favorite saying)
this process I learned from getting help with my codependency...it helped me slowly start to get control of my severe emotions. and that self control was empowering. I am getting better every day...try it

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I did it again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I have been signed in for so long on AJ's laptop, that I just DO NOT remember that he has it signed in as himself!

Some of the most powerful words in scripture were spoken by the desperate father who came to Jesus. First he implied that he would believe Jesus, IF Jesus performed a miracle for his son. Which statement only highlighted his doubt more clearly.

Jesus replied, "All things are possible to those who believe."

The father saw he could lose his chance, unless something changed. He cried out, "Lord, I believe - help my unbelief!"

In other words, "Lord, I do have faith, at least a little bit, but I am full of doubts, too. Have mercy on me in spite of it, and change my doubt to belief, so that the door is open for You to be able to help me."

Satan gives us doubts every day, if not about one thing, then another. Just as with temptation, what matters most is what we do with them. Do we cherish them and make them a part of our thinking, or do we surrender them to God, and ask for His will instead?

Like everything that God asks of us, when He tells us to have an unwavering faith, He is also promising that He will help us. He is the one who gives us our faith, and strengthens it through trials, till our faith has been purified.

You aren't bad for having doubts; you are just in God's process for dealing with them.

Amen.

Mayhem is not of our choosing.

Bad stuff happens.

Normal to grieve.

Some people take the heart right out of us. Some people help put our hearts right back in to us. Till our hearts start working on it's own.


Shock, burnout, crisis.... has impact.

Sis ~ of course it gets easier with practice. I used to have to actually remember to redirect my thoughts and make a conscious choice to think about something else.

Now I find myself doing it out of habit. Just take babysteps.

Something else that helped, in addition to the God Box, (which sounds silly but is VERY POWERFUL psychologically) was that my sponsor told me to schedule 15 minutes - thats it - 15 minutes to have a melt down, "go there", and then pick myself back up again and get on with it. Very weird, but it worked. I guess what I figured out by doing this was that my feelings and thoughts were truely under my own control.

God Box, (which sounds silly but is VERY POWERFUL psychologically)

can I ask what a GODBOX is?

I have a God Jar in stead of a box. What I do is write down what is really bothering me. I pray about it and then put it in the box. For me, it helps me to leave it with God instead of praying about it and picking it up and walking away with it on my shoulders and heart - again.

It gives me an actual way to 'give it to God'

If you want an easy read that is so good and speaks so much to the heart, try Facing your Giants by Max Lucado. It is not based on the movie, but it is Biblically based and very moving.

Lil Sis, if you have not read anything by him, any of his books are wonderful. He even has a line of children's books that even adults get something from.

God Box (my understanding): A box in which you place all you fears and wants. BR described finding a box and decorating it. She would write down things that she needed to turn over to God...or even pictures...and place them in the box. Giving them to God. Letting go of control.

Neak: I thought that might be you, but either way, thanks! I pulled that Psalm out and marked it for later tonight. I was looking through Psalms last night, but I am such a rookie, I don't know where to look. It's just a guessing game. I knew there had to be something in there...

Sometimes I feel such confidence in my faith...then it wavers. Then I worry that means I don't really have faith, because faith should be unshakeable, by definition, right? And somehow it seems disingenuous to ask forgiveness for having less than unwavering faith.

I don't know if I'm making sense...what you are saying helps, though, Neak.

It may not be so much the faith itself, but the following through on that faith, which is to TRUST: to know and BELEIVE that God's plan is perfect, even though my little piece of it may not seem to be, right now, here today.

It's not just the faith (get that), it's not just the deeds (get that), it's the state of mind that I'm struggling with.

I'm babbling here...

Thanks MF. We have several Max Lucado kid's books, and I have "In the Grip of Grace."

Yep...just sort of hit me...WH is leaving tomorrow for AZ. Remember, I was hoping to make Plan A last this long? I couldn't do it.

To my knowledge, he did not ask my intermediary to arrange any contact with the boys before he leaves.

Tomorrow is RT/WH's "anniversary" so I'm sure he is much to busy tonight to think about not seeing his boys for two weeks, even though he hasn't seen them or spoken to them since Wednesday.

I sent MIL an email today, mentioning a few items about church, etc., then:
I also need to vent a moment about the ugly man who is currently inhabiting your wonderful son's body. (Truly, this is how I view it now.) He last saw the boys on Wednesday. He is leaving in the morning for Phoenix. He will return the following Friday, and go back to work for the weekend. So he will have gone nearly three weeks without seeing the boys.

This stranger SAYS that my boys are his top priority. He SAYS this.

His ACTIONS demonstrate otherwise.

This stranger signs up for overtime on days when he is supposed to have them. He leaves for a vacation without them, denying them their time with him. He does not call them to talk to them (this was the case even before I asked for no contact). He is living apart from them and is not part of the routine of their everyday lives. His actions and choices have hurt their mother deeply. He is not keeping promises that he freely made. He is being a poor role model in terms of what it means to be a loving father, a caring husband, and an honorable man.

I do not believe that this translates in any way into a "top priority." I believe that your son/my husband--who is a loving father, caring husband, and honorable man--would agree with me.

The words and the actions of this stranger do NOT equate.
His words cannot be trusted; his actions belie them.

So a bit of a vent...but also a word of warning, I guess, now that I think of it. Beware the man who walks through your door this week. He looks like your son, he sounds like your son, he may even conjure up a quake in his voice or a tear in his eye. But observe his ACTIONS. They will tell you the truth, and ultimately they are the ONLY things that matter.

This man is not your son. Please do not mistake the two...to do so does a disservice to the man that you and I both hold so dear.

Hold this man accountable for his ACTIONS and do not be taken in by his WORDS.

I am sorry if that is harsh. I just found myself this morning taken aback as I considered how disengaged he is from the lives of the boys. He is such a complete and total stranger. That's where the trusting God part came in...I can HOPE for nothing from this stranger. I can only trust that God will not allow your son/my husband---that good man--to be lost.

I wanted to prepare her, warn her...she has told me to vent with her anytime, so hopefully she won't be insulted by anything. She has not seen WH since Thanksgiving. For a long time, I think she was taken in by WH's seemingly pained demeanor and occasional tears, but I hope that now she is JUST coming to realize, as I have, that it is all an act...worth nothing... without some action/behavior to back it up.

She should also be receiving the hard copy of my PBL in the mail on Monday. I read it to her over the phone, but I wanted her to read it with her own eyes, too, so she knows and understands.

I know she will understand, I don't know what she will do in response to it.

On the bright side...HE'S GONE!!! (or will be in 12 hours)

No more wondering if the cop car driving down the street is him, no more worrying if I'll see his truck at the cafe when I go around the corner.

PEACE. I GLADLY turn him over to the wise arms of his mother...and to the guiding and forgiving arms of God.

Sis - your WH's actions regarding the boys sound like passive/aggressive punishment visited on you. I'll bet if anyone asks him, he'll say that mean horrible LilSis won't "let" him see the boys since she's cut off communication with him. And he'll say the same thing to the boys if they ask him why he hasn't come around - "Well, son *sigh* I really want to, but your mother won't let me. She told me to stay away." It's the ideal way of him getting to be the victim and you being the evil perpetrator.

Be prepared for this!

I know we talked a while back about how (in my non-expert but somewhat experienced opinion) your WH sounded far more passive than passive-aggressive.

However -

Now that Plan B has started and he's not happy about that, you might well prepare yourself for him to ramp up some passive/aggressive behaviour as a way to get back at you and try to push your buttons and get a response out of you.

Remember - P/A people are first and foremost VICTIMS. Victims, victims, victims. I can certainly see him telling himself, and no doubt his wh*re, that poor poor WH "can't" see his own sons anymore because LilSis won't "let" him.

Victims, victims, victims.

Be prepared. I'll bet you a candy bar that this is how he'll react to your Plan B, by going from passive to passive/aggressive. You might want to check out the links in my sig line again, especially the MB thread. Lots of very, very good info and experience there.
Mulan

P.S. Did I ever mention that I live in a very large and lovely desert city in the sunny state of Arizona? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

good morning, LS.

I have been very busy and don't get much opportunity to post you...but i do check in and i still keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I am hoping that the next week or so is a peaceful time for you.