LilSis,

I understand your feelings right now regarding MIL. Would you be up to writing an email, or even better - how about a card with a very, very short hand written note on it? Speaks volumes to her generation.

I mentioned the "victim role" the other day, because I've BTDT. In fact, I did more than buy the t-shirt. I built the freakin' t-shirt factory. The times I defined myself that way were the times I became my own worst enemy.

I'm not sure how to help you get out of that frame of mind, or even to recognize when you are in it. I finally got sick of listening to myself - hit my own bottom, I guess. For me it is tied in with depression, too.

Ask yourself - are you committed to a true plan B? Really, really committed to it? Or are you still fighting yourself on it?

I don't know if you'll listen to us, Sis..but I'll give it a STAB...

GO DARK NOW..no gift..no one last goodbye...

It seems that you keep coming up with things...

JUST DO IT..RIGHT NOW...

Reminds me of when I threw away all my ashtrays and lighters along with those last few cigarettes...

I WAS DONE AND FINISHED....

The truth is and I really believe it's THE TRUTH..BOLD STATEMENT FOR ME...


ALL THAT MATTERS TO HIM RIGHT NOW..IS GETTING AS MUCH OF THE TURD AS HE CAN...

He doesn't care about the presents from his sons...

Sorry...

That's the NATURE OF A WH...

LilSis ~ Lexxy's suggestion is perfect. You are not responsible for his relationship with your boys. He is. Do not apologize. Do not give gifts. Stay dark.

Let go of the need to be right and the need to win. (That was a very sneaky attempt at being right by saying "I'll be the bigger person". Stop this. Do not engage. Darkness is your friend.)

Sick61:
You are right. It seems like every single time I feel strong and proud, the clouds open up and shoes start raining down on me again. I know that I "allow" this...because I don't have a plan for dealing with triggers, because LK hasn't been a good filter, and because I allowed MIL into my buffer zone. (PMS doesn't help)

They feel like assaults, somehow? And I end up crouched up and cowering under the percieved onslaught (aka a victim)--and then lash out!-- instead of putting up my umbrella and waiting out the storm (aka a competent and self-assured woman).

SD was right...I need a plan for dealing with triggers. Something very conscious and deliberate that works for me. The other two...LK's filters and MIL are, I believe, going to work themselves out. Lex's suggestion to commit to two days before any response is a good one. Sigh.

Lex: I want to do the best I can today...which doesn't seem like much. I did scrub toilets, so one's done on my list. (How'd you know I was a list person?)

I can't afford to do two big vacations. The cottage rents out for $1000+ per week, and it will cost about the same to fly the three of us to Boston and rent a car. With attorney fees, etc. I just don't want to cut too close to the bone. Besides, the only available week at the cottage is two weeks AFTER WH is there with the boys. Numerous day trips to the beach is a given, though...

It is a beautiful day in West MI. They are so rare that it almost feels unfortunate that I have plans..know the feeling? But it's probably best for my mental health today that I'm with "the girls."

if the kids know it is their dads birthday, they should be able to give him the gift. this is between lil sis and the wh, the kids should not be involved by NOT having them give thier dad a bday gift. I have ALWAYS had my children give their dad a bday gift and a christmas gift and fathers day. in the good times in our marriage, in the bad times, even after i had to have him arrested, i had them make him a card and they picked out a gift. it was from them NOT me. has he done this for me? not very often. never has the kids get me anything, etc. so what? i want to teach my children that they are to give at least a card in acknowledgement of such events.

there is nothing wrong for lil sis's kids to give thier dad a gift. NOW, if it is a b'day gift to wh from lil sis, that i would say no to.

mlhb

I like Lexy's suggestion....very much.
if you wanted to throw an short apology i'd be ok w/ it...BUT,

i really prefer Lexy's reply.

he can't read any ulterior motive in it.

he can't say there was a fake apology or anything like that....i think it's perfect.

ML:

This time is SPECIAL, IMO.

Sis is STRUGGLING to do PLAN B..with the aim of helping her kids grow up in a family with a MOM and a DAD..IMO that should be given priority over making sure that he gets this ONE birthday gift THIS YEAR..which will be MEANINGLESS to HIM...all he cares about is being with RAT TURD today...

as far as the gift goes.......i stand by what i said before....IF the remember the gift....fine.
IF kids don't remember to give it to him.......not YOUR problem in plan B. forget about it.

LilSis:

If there is EVER a discussion, this is how it would go:

WH to Boys: "You guys forgot my birthday!"

Boys: "No we didn't! we bought you a gift!"

WH: Well, where is it?

Boys: "At OUR House"

Stay Dark.


And don't go to the cabin. That is keeping the drama alive. Go elsewhere and create your new memories with the boys.

LG

those boys are little. they are not going to understand not giving thier dad the gift, ESPECIALLY if wh were to ask! don't make them part of the drama.
he is their father, like it or not. he may stay a dirt bag forever, he is still their dad and they should be giving him a b'day gift.

what is lil sis supposed to say to the boys? "well, when daddy can stop acting like an ahole and come home, then he can have the b'day gift you got for him" "he can only have it if he comes home" rubbish, that is putting those boys in the middle.

has nothing to do with lil sis continuing to stay dark. she can stay dark and still have her kids give dad a b'day gift. it is NOT from her! you can't make the boys go dark. and you can't explain to them why they can't. it is not fair to them.

the gift may mean nothing to wh, but so what? it means something to those boys to give it to him, that is what matters.

mlhb

LS,
your instincts are NOT for $hit.....they are right on.
you KNEW abou the cottage right away, remember?

it's just when you let yourself get anxious and reactive that things fall apart.
Trust your instincts.....don't overthink them.

i think those of us who have been betrayed have even keener instincts than others! we totaly know when something is up.

i agree with nia, you are instincts are not bad, it is just getting yourself to a place where you can stop and breathe and not be reactionary when you find your instincts to be correct.

i always tell my bf.. "don't even think of cheating, i will know about even before you do it!" i swear, after living with it for years, i just know.

mlhb

I disgaree about the gift.
if the boys don't remember to give him the gift it didn't mean that much to them anyway.... i don't see how they are hurt or caught int he middle.

I don't see how LS reminding them to give dad the gift helps (or hurts) ANYTHING at all.

Exactly Nia.I agree 100% percent. When the boys remember to give the gift, let them give it. That's between the boys and their father..Lil Sis is not responsible for making sure WH gets a birthday gift..No harm is done by staying out of it and allowing the boys to give the gift themselves, when they get around to it....The gift is in the house. LilSis is not discouraging the kids from giving the gift. The gift should stay there until the boys remember to give it.

Lil' Sis ~

You have mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that saving this marriage is more important for the boys than a birthday gift.

IF there is a divorce,LS can teach gift giving to the boys.

ultimately that is something lil sis has to decide herself.

and i respectfully agree to disagree with you guys on this one particular subject <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

gotta run!
hope everyone has an enjoyable day if you can...it has been snowing non stop here ALL DAY! grrrrr... where is spring huh?

mlhb

Golfer got it right.

The boys have the gift. They didn't "forget"....getting it to him whenever they remember will be fine.

You don't have to facilitate it.

Doesn't have to happen on THAT day, doesn't have to be wrapped, doesn't have to be "PERFECT". Riiiiight?????


As for the vacation goes. Stretch a little. DO BOTH! Maybe you put one of these trips on a credit card. Its only money.
Taking care of YOURSELF (meaning a win-win situation for you on this yucky ordeal) is of utmost importance.
So no need for you to feel the "loss" of the cabin.
DO BOTH. You're spoooo worth it.


Personally, I'm getting my house spiffed up (cleaning toilets too...lol) and then I'm throwing my own birthday party (its really tomorrow, but who wants to party on a Monday???) Having friends over -- can't wait!

Happy Birthday Lex!
mine is tommorow too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />