LK forwarded her "fine" email...and a few minutes later forwarded what looked to be a long email, along with her commentary...Subject line was "The cottage."

I DIDN'T READ IT!!

I forwarded it--unread--to my friend AP here at the office, and replied to LK that is what I was doing. I asked AP to just boil it down for me...anything pertinent I need to know?

She says, "Is this 'other duties as assigned?" We laughed.

She told me WH offered to give up the week or something...told me I could rent it in June if I wanted...blah blah.

I replied to LK that she is to respond with NO EMOTION that I am now making my own plans for the summer.

She's all over it...totally agrees no emotion, as few words as possible...and applauded me for not reading it.

Now I'm going to actually GET WORK DONE!!!!!

Don't you feel better????

Way to go!!! That was a GREAT way to handle it.

PERFECT!

Well done.

I DEEM you GODDESS/DIVA for TODAY or SCARLETT O'HARA for TODAY..WHICHEVER!!!

Your CYBERGIFTS..FLOATING THROUGH THE COMPUTER..are MASCARAED EYELASHES which you FLUTTER and hide behind your "DIVA SHADES" that you DON once you shut the door of the VIBE..then you take your DIVA SCARF and FLICK IT over your shoulder..then you turn up the volume of BEYONCE as she begins singing.."TO THE LEFT..TO THE LEFT..."

I love it, love it: "I HAVE OTHER PLANS FOR THE SUMMER"...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hooray!!!! You empowered woman you!!!!!!!!

My suggested response:


I believe in thanking the WS when possible, being cordial and distant, but all in as few words as possible. It gives them no possible excuse for the intermediary system not working, or for an intermediary being ungracious. (Not saying LK is, just a general principle.)

Don't be chummy, but be very polite, in other words.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!


GOOD JOB!!!


~~CJ

Me too.

I wouldn't thank him...

He'd be getting something from you...his LS fix.

Use the fewest words possible.

Dark dark dark

~ Marsh

PS: Good job on not reading his e-mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, well, as for all the wording stuff goes...I can't control that. I am not exactly sure WHAT LK responded...I believe it was something more along the lines of "I don't care." (she didn't tell me exactly)

Since I am unaware of the context...you know...exactly what he was saying/asking, etc., my respnse of "I have other plans" might not have fit. She may have said something like, it doesn't matter, this has been decided, something like that.

I will have to make sure that LK gets the message about being CORDIAL. She got the unemotional part; cordiality is not her strong suit. No-nonsense lady.

I'm going to paste Neak's Intermediary instructions to her.

BTW...I did use a variation on noodle's remarks to DS11 last night while we were snuggling in watching Planet Earth (anyone else watching that? amazing!)

"DS...when your dad talks about buying a house with a big backyard...he is talking about where he is planning to live without us as a family...and I feel sad and hurt when I talk about it." I also explained that it wasn't that I was mad at him, just hurt/sad.

His response: "I understand, mom." with a big hug.

Today (BEAUTIFUL day), the boys and I went for a walk down through the park afterschool. DS11 kept wanting to hold my hand, to be close. We had a good time...the boys both had on pedometers so they kept jumping to make their numbers go higher.

As we were walking up the hill toward home, DS8 turns to me, looks right up into my eyes and says, "Deep down, you and dad love each other very much, I know it." Out of the blue. I just leaned down and kissed him.

I'm feeling more and more that I can go on with my life without WH. He's been gone so long now...we have a whole new "normal" now...the morning routine, dinners, weekends, activities, trips, plans. I've taken over the whole closet, the whole bed and DS8 took over WH's towel bar in the bathroom. I like doing less laundry and fewer dishes. I like laying in bed reading and watching TV before I go to sleep for a change.

The "hole" he left in the house is growing smaller...we've all had to do things to fill it in, either that or erosion took over.

I don't even know if there's a space left for him anymore. How would he fit in here anymore, even if he DID ever want to come back?

But then....I think about the boys, and how they deserve a GOOD father (by MY standards, not MIL's); how they deserve two parents at home; how need to learn lessons about life and love and forgiveness and commitment and respect and promises...

They deserve this...they deserve me holding on to whatever scraps I have left in my $LB account. Because if it weren't for them....

Anyway...just rambling. Normal, right?

Sis, are you reading my mind again? I know exactly what you mean.

The reason I am of the opinion that an intermediary should thank a WS when possible, is that the interactions can be very strained between the WS/IM.

Thanking them matter-of-factly, and not effusively, can defuse a small amount of this tension, and leave the WS without any valid reason to resent the IM, except that they are blocking access to (control over) the BS.

The Sis-fix it may provide will be quite limited if the wording is only the IM thanking him, and NOT NOT NOT saying, "Sis thanks you for blah blah blah."

I also just think it would read so much better in court, if it came up, to have IM communications contain the basic courtesy and politeness we would afford to any stranger, even though the WS deserves none of it. It makes the contrast more glaring between stinky WS's and perfumey IM's and their BS buddies.

Also, this system may need to be in place for several years. That is a very long time.

Thus, IMO, the pros outweigh the potential cons.

I agree, Neak. We've stumbled a lot in this whole IM thing, but LK and I will get there, even if I have to have someone else run interference a couple of times like I did today. I don't think LK quite got it that the content and tone of WH's emails were an assault inside my buffer zone.

Telling her today that I didn't even read what she forwarded (and in fact forwarding it to another person) because I didn't want anymore drama was, I think, a little startling to her. I demonstrated how far I want to be removed from this...I'm pushing AWAY the drama, not drawing myself into it. The drama HURTS me.

We'll get it. I asked her yesterday if she wanted out of this role and she declined, and I agree about not switching mid-stream...we'll just work out the kinks.

I fell asleep upstairs watching 24, and just woke up half disoriented needing to get up and get ready for bed and come downstairs to turn off the computer, lock up, etc. I hate it when that happens.

For some reason, I woke up feeling slightly panicky....anxious again. That realization that it never stops with me...something bad always happens. Just when I think I'm going to get through something, another shoe drops. This whole thing has been like a toilet flushing, going down and down, slowly circling the drain, getting worse and worse.

I don't necessarily mean me personally, in terms of my own recovery, but I just have this sense of impending doom, that something really awful is going to happen....like I'll discover that WH wants custody or something else will happen in terms of the legal aspects of the D...something I didn't expect, out of the blue.

More triggers are to come...the personal ones, like WH looking for a house, etc....those I can deal with and distract myself from. It's the big stuff, the legal stuff, the scary stuff that I truly fear will throw me right off the deep end. Especially when it is so clear that WH is capable of all kinds of vindictiveness and meanness.

He has a HUGE trump card with me. And there's no one to protect me from it; I handed it to him on a silver platter.

It feels a bit like a PTSD response; these feelings of free floating anxiety, non-directed, just hovering around, like so many bad things have happened unexpectedly that I live in a constant state of hypervigilance. And it seems like these feelings crop up JUST when I'm starting to feel a teeny bit of peace.

Or maybe it's just waking up after falling asleep watching 24...

SD: glad to know I'm not alone again. You read my mind plenty, too, just most of the killer bees.

IT IS PTSD!!

I certainly gave myself that diagnosis.

See my sig line. My D-Day was 12/02 and just NOW can say that I have FULLY RECOVERED from THAT.

Discovery of my H's affair and living through its aftermath was a series of MAJOR LIFE TRAUMAS...

DS11's rat died this morning. We were just getting ready to leave and he yells, "Mom, she's limp!" and immediately burst into tears.

Needless to say I wasn't sending him to school; he came in to work with me and I kept him busy with a few little jobs, and he had a book to read. We went out to lunch. I think he thought it was pretty cool.

As we were driving DS8 to school, DS11 called WH and left him a VM, sobbing, asking WH to call him back. He didn't tell WH why he was calling. When we got home this afternoon, thre was a VM; "DS11 sorry I missed your call; call me when you get home from school."

DS11 made a joke about how dad didn't know he wasn't even AT school today. He had told me at lunch that he would wait and tell dad about the rat in person when he gets them tomorrow, since he "didn't think that was something that should be told over the phone."

Poor DS11...lots of loss in his life. He's doing better...I am SO glad that I brought him in to work; it made the day special, and I'm glad I could be there for him and give him that.

BTW..I'm REALLY glad now that I screened out that email from RT's son, "your dad gave me a rat!" BLECH!!!

"For some reason, I woke up feeling slightly panicky....anxious again. That realization that it never stops with me...something bad always happens. Just when I think I'm going to get through something, another shoe drops. This whole thing has been like a toilet flushing, going down and down, slowly circling the drain, getting worse and worse"

LilSis - This is a perfectly normal feeling. I had many months of feeling like that. But I promise you that things will get better, and one day all this will seem like only a bad dream.

Thanks, believer.

When I tucked in DS11 last night, he said, "I had fun today, Mom."

Wow! I CAN do something right! My heart melted.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LilSis, I just wanted to let you know that the hate I carried in my heart was for DH ONLY for a long time. I didn't really know the OW so I had no attachment there.

I fully understand you being furious with someone you thought was your friend. You can choose to forgive or not, later down the line. You don't HAVE to forgive.

I find it easier to dismiss the OW by imagining how simple you have to be to get involved with a married man; how low you have to be. You have to ignore how horrible you are, especially hurting a friend.

Sis, about the kids, you are doing great; you will hit bumps along the way and say the wrong thing. You can come on here and get all of the advise in the world, but in the moment you have to make quick decisions. I learn from my mistakes, don't you?

Sis, do you hug your kids, kiss them, tell them you love them and allow the sentiment to be returned? Do you read to the boys, talk to the boys, sing with the boys, laugh with the boys? Do you hold them when they need it and scold them when they need it? You are doing fine!

You are dealing with a lot of pain and disappointment, so don't beat yourself up so much. Let that guard down, because it's not protecting you against anything. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, but you are good and kind and loving, and that's better.

Also, perfection, to me, always looks sterile to me, no real umph to it, no animation. How boring.

SL: Thanks for clarifying the whole hate/forgiveness thing. I didn't realize that you actually felt hate for WH. I am going to struggle with my feelings for RT for a LOOONG time, I know....regardless of how ANY of this plays out.

Confession/Concern: I feel really swing-y, mood-wise. Today is a good, strong day. Maybe because I had a great session with my support group last night a bawled buckets. Maybe because of all the work distractions and feeling more in control of my "real life."

But other days...I am SO down, defeated, resigned. It is totally one day to the next!

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??? Is this a normal reaction, or am I nuts?

Update...I've been so busy at work--WHAT A BLESSING!!--so I haven't been on much, and I almost feel better about that...sometimes I get addicted to MB, and my thoughts get in that icky cycle. Better for me to step back and immerse myself in my REAL life...the one I have NOW, the one that I EXIST in...not the life I WISH I had, or MISS from the past.

Yesterday was WH's night with the boys. He didn't return them until 8:45 (PBL indicated 8:00 was return time). This means that they are all wound up and wanting to talk and I want to talk with them...and they end up getting to bed at 10. Grrrr....

As soon as he walked in the house, DS8 came up and gave me a good hug, and closed his eyes with this little smile, almost like, "Finally...I'm HOME...ahhh!"

I didn't ask what they did, but I did ask if he had a nice time. With a bit of a pouty look on his face, he said, "Not really, DS11 and dad aren't really very nice to me."

LS: What do you mean?
J: I have to get used to dad.
LS: Get used to what about dad?
J: He's just lost his imagination.
LS: Lost his imagination? In what way?
J: He just doesn't like the same things anymore and he isn't interested in my ideas.
LS: Oh, I'm really sorry about that, J. I think the same things sometimes.
J: And he doesn't like to do fun stuff anymore. All he wants to do is go to restaurants and stuff. The more he's been living away the less fun stuff he wants to do.
LS: What would you like to do with dad?
J: Do stuff outside, like shoot baskets or something.
LS: That sounds fun. I can see why you'd like to do that kind of stuff.

Pause. We're justing sitting there.

J: I told H (his best friend) about our divorce so I'd have someone to talk about it with, because we only have my group once in two weeks.
LS: You do know you can talk to me, right?
J: Yeah, but now I have someone at school. You are at home, H is at school, and I have my group every other week.
LS: J, I think it is a great idea to talk to H. He's a really nice boy, and I'm sure he'll be a good person to talk to. And I'm glad you know that you can talk to me.

What a conversation to have with your kid. I know it's not the worst conversation anyone has had, but I NEVER in a million years would have thought it would be a conversation that I would have to have with one of my children, not with WH as their father. It's so sad.

The stronger I feel, the less positive feelings I have for WH. I almost pity him. I'm starting to see him more objectively (thank you Plan B). What a pathetic man he has become, really. The shell of a man that is left is just nothing. Not worthy of me, certainly not worthy of the boys. But the three of us...they boys and I, we are good. We are GOOD.

Right now I am choosing to see him solely as WH. No H left. Maybe that means I'm giving up hope? Maybe it means I'm moving on? Maybe it just means that I am no longer willing to take his wayward crap at all, ever again. I don't know. But I suspect that I don't have much left to give to a recovery effort, if it were to make itself an option.

How low can one's $LB balance to into the red before the account is closed? And is there a point at which there's so little left that you might as well just cash it in and check out the credit union down the street? Because the early withdrawal fees are racking up.

I imagined this morning...imagined WH FINALLY realizing what he has lost...and how far he will have to climb to regain it. It takes my breath away when I think about what he has given up. Everything. A wife who love(d?)(s?) him, two boys who idolized him, his integrity, his friends, his home. I could see why when he does finally realize (which could be 20 years from now), he may never admit it to anyone...he may just stay in that role because there's no other role he can take on anymore.

The boys...this is now part of their identity. Even if H came riding back to the rescue today, and slay the evil WH...the arms would not be wide open. None of us would really be sure if it was H or WH. For the boys, when you think about the percentage of their whole lives has been under the cloud of A...either pre or post d-day...WOW.

You have quite the little man there Lilsis. You should be proud. I am sorry for the loss that your WH has invited into your families... into his childrens lives.

I think there does come a point of no return and I think you might be getting very close to that place.... and I wonder how these legal sessions that are upcoming will further impact that.

I am sorry for your pain. YOU and your children did not deserve any of this mess.

MEDC