Maybe I'm just chicken....

BUT....I don't think MIL will attempt to call me or come by or anything. Tonight was her attempting to reach out. I didn't respond in a way that would engender further attempts, I didn't ask for her to call me, I didn't engage in chit-chat. Hug, smile, welcome home, bye.

I would have preferred the opportunity to prepare mentally/emotionally. I was expecting the routine invisible kid drop-off in which WH pulls in, the kids hop out, and he backs out sight unseen. Instead, it was "surprise!" I was more flustered than I would have liked.

Anyway....MIL is HIGHLY, no, EXTREMELY conflict avoidant (as evidenced by her precipitous departure for AZ prior to Christmas).

So given that, do you think just staying dark...not saying/writing/emailing anything...would be okay? I'm SO reluctant to engage in any way...I want to stay dark and secure in my Plan B.

And you are right, Mr. W, any dis-information campaign would draw me out of Plan B...it's a no-go. No drama. No games. Just dark. (but you are right about the 100 mile thingie)

(I have no right to talk about conflict avoidance ....)

IMO, anti-Plan B is if you care what happens to the misinformation after it is disseminated.

If you can scatter a few bread crumbs on the water from time to time, and resist the temptation to see which way the current takes them, and whether any ducks appear to nibble them, I think that can be good strategy. The litmus test being how, if at all, does it affect you...

You hit the nail on the head, Neak.

I am AFRAID that it would affect me. (effect? never got that one)

I'm just being honest with myself. Like a WS, I need to take extradinary measures with NC. I could VERY easily get drawn in to MIL and it would do neither me nor her nor the possiblity of recovery ANY good.

Make sense?

*****
I made a mistake last night staying up late posting....tired this AM and NOT looking forward to seeing the PO this AM. She's a very nice woman; it's just such a "in my face" reminder of what happened...blech.

Sigh. I cannot wait for tomorrow afternoon. Another set of meetings in the AM, but once that is over, I see IC, go back to the office for a party for one of the poker girls who is getting married, then Fri. is the spa day with the college girls (LK and T, et al)

I have great friends and family (bio, that is) and I have no trust issues with them; I know without a doubt that they have my back. AND I have a wonderful support system here where I can vent and be understood in a way that isn't necessarily there IRL.

I am very blessed.

morning LS!

you did good w/ MIL last night.....i actually think it worked to yoour advantage NOT knowing that she was going to show up.....you played it cool. Hopefully, she got the message and you can stay safely in plan B w/o having to write her or engage her about crossing your boundries.
IF she drops by again and you feel it's warranted....you can cross that bridge then.


oh, about your WH being a bully. I see that in him....I do believe he can change.....and would want to to if/when he was able to see himself for the bully he has been. Someday he will seek introspection.
That's not for you to worry about right now....just keep up the good work and have a great day!

Sis, I am sure that you knew what I was talking about here.

But ~ Just so there is no misunderstanding ~

I am referring to that I bet you feel the same way that I do about finding this place here (MB)

Not ~ that you are happy that *I* found this place.

(ha ha that would be funny)


sometimes I am concerned that I don't make myself clear - uh... other times - glaringly so !!!

I was just complimenting you on your personal growth, through adversity - which, unfortunately, is usually the recipe for such.....

Just trippin' over myself here --- hope you understand !

Thanks, nia! Good morning to you, too!
You are probably right...not knowing she was coming didn't allow me to over-think it. (Who, me?? Over-think??? Nah.)

Yep, carn...I understood! I do know. What would I have done without everyone here?

I can't imagine where I would be...certainly I would be questioning my own sanity...wondering why I feel the way I do, thinking I'm the only person in the world that feels this way, not understanding why kicking him to the curb (as per opinions of most people IRL) didn't feel right.

I would not have discovered my personal strength or been so encouraged to grow and develop. I probably would have gotten to where I am now...but it would have taken MUCH MUCH longer. And I'm still growing...you are all still helping me along, pushing me.

I am so grateful and thankful that I found this place of refuge...

LilSis:

Is your Husband a bully?

Sometimes the terms can be broad enough to cover alot of behaviors, and that can slot someone into a position that they should probably not occupy.

However, Plan B is working for you. You are seeing more clearly the enviornment of your M and the realtionship that you had with your H. And not rewriting history, just seeing dots and points of reference that are connecting in different ways.

I can say that I did a number of things that you are accusing H of doing early on in my M as well. It got worse. Those are the types of things in hindsight, we recognize and realize were tearing at the fabric of our relationships. You are seeing them now. I see them now. Flamingo sees them now.

We can only hope that H, when he returns, sees them.

And I am referring to H here. WH is in an appropriate place.

SilentL describes the type of (many) evenings that you will have with H if he ever returns. WH will never get out of the car.

Did MIL sandbag you?

Yes. And No.

WH sandbagged you.

He decided to have MIL/FIL drop off the kids. Not him.

And YOUR BOYS were happy to see them, and their happiness lead to the covering of your eyes and "Surprise".

Would a phone call saying "were BAAACCKK!" been nice? Yes. You saw the postcard.

Did they just walk in? No they were invited by thier Grandchildren. You can draw the line later.

You can choose the nature of your relationship with MIL. and FIL. And they will be watching YOUR BOYS much more that WH will be going forward.

So, accept that, and look her in the eye and say "Glad to see you!" AND never speak of WH in her/his presence. Change the subject if they bring it up.

And if they protest, state simply, "When he moves back into his home, he will become a member of THIS family. Otherwise he is the father of these boys and your son" "And anything he is doing now, does not benefit THIS family"

You will never be "A Statistic" You and your boys will never be the "urban, single mother family" of the statistics. You will not allow that to happen. I was one of THOSE boys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Did you bring donuts to your PO?

Might as well be the model parolee.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would have baked a cake with a file in it, however... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LG

That would be ideal, LG...to be able to look her in the eye and have a relatively normal relationship without discussing WH. But *I* don’t think I’m capable of it…this is MY problem, not hers, and I recognize it. It’s like the elephant in the room, which she sees as Dumbo with big eyes and floppy ears, and I see as the renegade circus elephant that goes on a rampage trampling innocent women and children.

Anyway…I don’t think that *I* have the strength or willpower to ignore that elephant. And I certainly don’t want to be TOLD that the elephant is Dumbo, and that I am being unfair to see it as a renegade. Because honestly, I would LOVE to see WH as Dumbo…but I have worked very very hard at recognizing the truth: that he’s a renegade. I’m at acceptance. I don’t want to engage in a debate about it with MIL, because it is un-winable…it’s like trying to educate a WS…she is in her own thick fog. If I attempt to educate her, I just end up feeling hurt, betrayed and frustrated…and I’ve only damaged my dark Plan B.

This is MY weakness…because I just am not strong enough yet to have a relationship with her without being triggered. Maybe I’ll get to a point where I don’t have to take these precautions, but it’s not yet.

And yes, it will be tough with the boys. DS11 said last night, “You’ll sit with them at my concert on the 23rd, won’t you?” I told him no, I’ll sit somewhere else, but not to worry, we can talk about that later. Of course they will be sitting with WH, and I won’t do that. I’ll find my own place to sit with DS8. Maybe my mom will come to watch this time; she’s never made it to one of his concerts yet. We are not friends, WH and I.

Of course…this will turn me into the unreasonable shrew again. WH can tell his parents, “Look at how she’s hurting the boys by not sitting together with us.” And they will nod…totally ignoring the crushed bodies that “Dumbo” left in his wake.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm concert opportunities .... putting on my thinking cap

great analogy about the elephants in the room, LS!

I think WH is a deranged Dumbo.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

i am interested to hear what you come up w/ here, pep.
seems a bit complicated in plan B.

I would like to see LS sit w/ WH and ILs butkeep very civil distance when engaging....perhaps excuse herself early?
is that possible?

Nope..meets many ENs for him....including Family Commitment...

Sorry, Nia..

Dark means Dark during PLAN B. NC WHATSOEVER UNTIL HE ENDS THE A....

So the PLAN would be for Sis to figure out a way NOT TO BE SEEN BY HIM....

ooh, I'm thinking old forties movie . . . hat with a veil, long gloves, dark cat eye glasses . . .

very mysterious

guess the cigarette holder would be over the top, huh?

this is the complicated part, isn't it?

seems like catching a mere glimpse of a poised and pretty LS a few seats down from them might work well for her plan B.
where as her making a point to sit far away will only make her look shrewish when he and IL's catch that glimpse.

This is NOT PLAN B as recommended by the HARLEYS. I'm not sure what you mean by "might work well"..not as the HARLEYS recommend...

The point is for the OW to meet ALL OF HIS ENs...for him to not get ANY RELIEF from any suffering over MISSING SIS...if he sees her, it will relieve any sadness he may be feeling over missing her...

And, in not seeing her, she will be making her point..that she will not have contact with him AT ALL until he ends the affair...She will evidence her CONVICTION this way.

Yeah...I am very open to suggestions, but my top priority is protecting myself. Throw ideas around...but it might be a call that I have to make that day, depending on how strong I am feeling THAT DAY.

It's rather intimidating...putting myself in the position of being in close proximity to WH as well as his parents. Sort of feels a bit like the lion's den. I'll have no back-up.

ILs wanting to make everything smooth and comfortable, and since WH is not budging, then I am expected to do so. And when I don't, I am seen as unreasonable and not looking out for the best interests of the boys. Just like with the cottage.

To me it's the same twisted reasoning used by a WS.

I don't want to leave the concert early as I like to gush all over DS11 as soon as the performance is over...unless I just go directly home and WH gives him a ride home...I can gush at home.

WH will be coming directly from work and slide in at the last minute, and I will be arriving much earlier (gotta get there 45 minutes early for them to warm up).

I'm all about the conviction part. I am very committed to the Plan B...as dark as possible. It is a very large auditorium which fills up, and I will be arriving early and WH arriving late, so staying "hidden" won't be too difficult. Might catch a glimpse, but I can't really help that.

It would also take away that sense of the lion's den. I own the place. Go in, tell DS to break a leg, be confident, take my seat with DS8 and enjoy my son's concert. WH and his folks can take care of themselves. If WH wants to bring DS home, we can arrange that in advance through LK. I will make a hasty and invisible exit, to await DS's arrival safely ensconced in my own home.

Sounds like a good strategy to me...

Heck, it's two weeks off...

It was suggested to me by Mortarman to come to my son's events late so that I could find WH FIRST and then AVOID HIM. That worked well for me.

I ENCOURAGE YOU NOT TO INTERACT WITH HIM..in order to maintain your PLAN B...

I think those that stick as closely to the PLAN as possible fare best whether the marriage is RECOVERED or not...

Sad to say, I've seen so many break the PLAN and then once it starts, it's hard to stop..I KNOW...

Actually though, my H PURSUED ME and broke me down...

Oh, OK. You got it, Sis..We were posting at the same time again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />