Silent,

How long did it take you to detach? Just wondering about your timeline?

Still

AH-HAH, MEDC..if you are listening here...I think we have hit on a major difference in our point of view...

I believe in the SACREDNESS of marriage..I guess more in line with a Catholic point of view..that GOD has brought couples together...and that my H was chosen by HIM for ME...GOD..then my H...EVIL FORCES were working to pull us apart...this is the premise behind many of my posts...My marriage to my H is a HIGH PRIORITY in my life...I know that viewpoint is not consistent with the CURRENT CULTURE..I really believe in the UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART portion of the VOW...THAT'S ME...I don't see myself as remarrying EVER..but you guys are younger than me and that's another issue...

I also believe that young children need to be brought up by both their parents if at all possible...this is the ideal, I know...

And there has been, I THINK, some reference being made to posts to Eav. I don't think that is relevant on this thread unless Sis is making MAJOR OMMISSIONS. Seems like to me that Sis is being OPEN AND HONEST about her situation. If I had known that Eav's H was a SA or WHATEVER, I never ever would have encouraged her use of the MBer's Plans....me being defensive, maybe..but I had to get this off of my chest...SIGH...

yes, marriage is sacred, and yes it is ideal if a child can be raised by both parents. but lets open our bible to where God hates adultery and you do NOT have to remain married to an adulterer. Interesting how that is the one area where God allows us an out in marriage. he thinks infidelity is as disgusting as we humans do.

i fought tooth and nail to save my marriage. i can look in the mirror and know i did what i could. and i know God gave me an out in my marriage because of the repeated adultery.

it was a last option, but an option just the same. yes, god hates divorce as well, but he is pretty clear about how he gives us an out in the bible when it comes to adultery. doesn't mean you still don't try, but the evil had such a strong hold on my h that eventually it was bringing me down with it. and that was not good for anyone.

i am glad you are a good little catholic, i am a good little baptist. and a now divorced one as well due to repeated infidelity. i could not force wh to change, i could only change myself. and my children and i deserve better than a chronic cheater. we are no longer brought down by his evil. we are a thriving family now very active in all aspects of church. we, as a family, are doing 100% better now then we ever did when he was here.

my son asked me the other day "mommy, how come when daddy lived here he didn't respect us and he yelled at you ALL THE TIME?" and then said how much nicer it was now that our house was calm and quiet. my kids say they miss thier daddy living at home, but now how he was. THAT atmosphere was not good at all for my children. I konw I did the right thing and I have no regrets at all.

I gave it my all for 3 years, almost 4 years after i found out about the affairs (which continued up til he left and he now lives with ow). i detached, i am at peace, it was what it was. and I know God supports my decision.

mlhb

Second that. As I said in response to CJ, I have been racking my brain to think of whatever emotional deficiency or imbalance I could have missed all those years, and can't come up with anything--ANYTHING--that seems somehow outside of the kinds of things you might expect (failing to put the cereal bowl in the dishwasher or socks in the laundry basket kinds of things).

I've always thought his dad was overly controlling and I think that WH adapted SOME of that behavior (even though he recognized it in his dad), and he felt overshadowed by his oldest brother--the golden boy who could do no wrong, but I certainly would not have catogorized WH as un-healthy emotionally. No addictions (to anything except RT), no abuse (either as a victim or perpetrator). Intact family, no financial troubles, secure job, wide social circle, etc.

The job might be one factor...that work can take a toll, but even that...he hadn't worked third shift or in the 'hood for years. Boredom and frustration were probably the biggest stressors related to the job.

Of course, once the A started (unbeknownst to me), WH's behavior became more insensitive...bordering on emotionally abusive. But that was after the A started...it's so hard to separate it out now...


mimi...I also believe in the sacredness of marriage, but if WH does not feel the same (again, a VAST change from his pre-A self) is bound and determined to get a D, he will. And it WILL be his loss...both of me and the kids, and in terms of his relationship with God.

And CERTAINLY, ABSOLUTELY, the boys deserve to be raised by two parents. I believe that is an OBLIGATION, a committment made when they are conceived, particularly in the sanctity of marriage. What is best for your children ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS.

However. It is out of my control...he must choose it, and he is an addict.

And unfortunately, D is the path of least resistance, and WH is pretty passive (I was SHOCKED that he took the step of filing). It would take an overt act on his part to stop this train. I hope he does, but I am getting healthy in preparation for either outcome.

After all this discussion yesterday and last night...a request. Could you please give me some sunshine enemas, folks? Not about WH/recovery/Plan B...but about ME!!

(I'm so friggin' needy!)

yes, Mimi, I know. I think you can have your view and I have mine. I believe very strongly in the sanctity of marriage too.... even the way the Catholic Church does.... but I will say this... when I got divorced from my wife, it was my priest that finally said it was time to let her go...even he realized that there are things more important than a marriage.

As far as Eav's post goes... my point was and is, that there was obviously something else going on... at the very least we had a woman with an unhealthy obsession to remain married..... yes, obsession. As I had stated several times on her thread, it stopped being about her H a long time ago and it was about her.

sunshine enema coming...

there is still hope Lilsis. Don't throw in the towel unless you are ready to do so...no matter what I or Lem ...Mini or SL think...or even the Harley's for that matter, you know your H best of all.... you know what the man is capable of doing.

MEDC

LilSis,

Here is my sunshine enema for you today...

You are a special, beautiful, strong woman. I admire your strength. You are a great mom.

Still

See, another one who "got there." Detached. At peace. But it took time, and she gave it her all until she knew it was right.

I'm convinced this is what I need to do as well.

IC and I also talked yesterday about timeline...he said there is none; I should not expect to have one, and anyone who suggests that I should be on one has no idea. It's a grieving process, and he always puts it in terms of losing my dad, too, in a relatively close timeline.

I'm in no hurry. Although I'd LOVE for the hurt to be over, it is what it is and I can't flip the switch and turn it off. I've got to feel it, move it through, acknowledge it, and let it go. More will come, and then I have to deal with that, too.

What do you need, Sis?

I'll do what I can.

That's what I've been saying.

In order for me to cope best during PLAN B, I couldn't THINK at all about DIVORCE even though I knew it was a REAL POSSIBILITY...

All that GET A GRIP..FACE REALITY..kind of talk would lead me to FEELING HOPELESS.."what's the use of this PLAN B crap?"..I even told my IC that and HE STOPPED IT...wanting to do what was HELPFUL to me in hanging on in there...cause it's SOOOO HARD....

Again, Sis, I've been talking about what helped ME..just like SL..in hopes that what helped ME might HELP YOU, TOO....

I think our job is to BE SUPPORTIVE of you so that you can WITHSTAND the RIGORS of PLAN B....

LS,

You are doing great and have been a great lighthouse for your WH. Your experience has been helpful to me in my own situation.

Blessings to you and your family.

Shine On

look at all the things you are finding you are capable of doing sis! you are doing it on your own. you are taking care of business. your house, the yard, your kids, everyhing. that is empowering isn't it?

i remember i never ever knew how to mow the lawn. well, when ex left i either had to hire someone or i had to learn how. someone showed me and ya know what? i love mowing! i do it all the time now. that was empowering.

i think, personally, you are doing fine. it is a very emotional time. i was not "better" over night. i had a very emotional, gosh, probably 6 or so months after he left where i would cry and couldn't sleep, etc. i had to feel the hurt and the pain and acknowledge it and let it go. it was hurt i was mad, everything. but i got through and so will you.

you are doing great.

mlhb

Lilsis

You are growing so much! Your honesty on this thread is such a tribute to that. And I see you moving forward in strength and faith-knowing that you are going to be okay no matter what. Your kids will benefit from your choices and I believe that God will be able to make "all things work together for good" (Rom 8:28) even if we can't see it right now.

It took the side effects of chemo for me to get to the point of truly letting go of any control over what my XH was choosing to do-and letting God take over. I can actually look back at that time and see God using it to get me through this.

Here's a verse for you today (I changed the pronoun to fit)

Prov 14:26 [She] who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for [her] children it will be a refuge."

I support and understand you ML...

I was mostly referring to how MEDC and I have different points of view...

I agree that that ADULTERY is a Christian option for divorce...

BTW, I'm a BAPTIST..not a CATHOLIC...but was speaking of the CATHOLIC VIEW of MARRIAGE...

Bless you, ML..for doing all that YOU possible could DO...



I THINK THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!

I haven't had a chance to read all of your thread, but Mimi suggested I look in....

Plan B is a good thing....I wasn't always so great at it...

It is important that you begin to live your life without the chaos as much as possible....whatever happens in the long run...divorce...recovery, you will need to be in the healthiest place you can be....

I tried very hard to live my life as if WH would no longer be in it....without ever truly closing off my heart to him...I socialized, went out with friends, vacationed with the kids, etc.....it wasn't always easy, but slowly I came to a good place.....and when it became it evident that WH and I had a chance at recovery...I took it.....and I was sooo glad that I was in a healthy place, because he was not completely there yet and I was able to keep myself in a safe place while we worked everything out.

So it's all about you now, wonderful, strong, beautiful you...you and your kids.....hold your head up high, smile and keep moving forward....it will get better!

It IS wonderful. Thanks, everyone!

Won't it be amazing if in the face of the most vicious kind of rejection that a person can face (with the exception of being rejected by one's parents as a child), I come out of this TRULY believing for the first time in my life that I am beautiful and strong and worthy of love just because I am ME...a child of God; that I don't have to hide behind fear, that I don't have to be perfect?

Getting there...

(the sun is shining!)

eta: getting there in NO SMALL PART due to the care and support from all my friends here...

mimi, thank you.
i was actually raised catholic until in my teens we turned to the baptist church. lol

lil sis is going to be all right no matter what.

mlhb

Bend over, here it comes... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You have grown so much, you have learned so much, you have really calmed down and centered yourself. You are an inspiration to so many reading here, and you don't really see it. It has taken an incredible amount of strength for you to get through all of Plan A and 3 mos of Plan B. Good lord, Woman, you are very strong.

Your kids are blessed to have a mother with such strength. It's empowering to know that you can survive, and you will.

I promise that you will find peace; it will happen. I agree with what Shugah said here



This is where I am now. Without having gone to Plan B, I don't think I would be prepared for recovery, not as solidly as I am now. Plan A can leave a person very weak, and probably makes recovery much more difficult because there are TWO very needy people trying to learn how to detach and grow. You've got Plan B to learn and grow and detach and get rid of that codependency. When your husband returns, you will be a pillar of strength, and able to withstand the onslaught of withdrawal and recovery.

Miss perfection is dead

that is a huge compliment

[color:"green"]The plant[/color] .... this is possible, it could be planted in a large plastic container (so it is not too heavy) and then DONATED to the boy's school, or to a rest home, someplace where you & boys can drop it off and share an act of ~giving back~

plus
you won't have to either kill the plant or look at it everyday

Thanks, everyone! This gives me some fortitude to get through the weekend...always a bit difficult.

I am going to plant the plant (it's more like a tree, actually). If H never makes a return appearance, and it's too upsetting, then I can always chop it down! And if it's not too upsetting, or if H returns, hey! I've got a great looking wisteria.

For the moment, I really don't see it as a representation of WH. It's a PLANT/tree/vine.

Plus...it's a beauty, and DS11 (at least) considers it from he and his brother (not dad), and they are going to help me dig the hole. So I CHOOSE to look at it as an US thing; to do otherwise might hurt DS11's feelings. He keeps asking, "when are we going to plant this, mom?"

BTW...I asked the boys if any further discussion had taken place regarding the dog. DS11 said that MIL asked if we were taking the dog back because she doesn't really like having her around.

Fortunate, actually, because I had just come to the conclusion that I didn't want the responsibility of the dog again...not really. I'm raising two boys, taking care of the house and yard and working...who has time to exercise or care for a dog? Or attend to the additional clean-up (poo in the yard, hair in the house) that is required? Not to mention when I go away overnight somewhere...to my mom's or when we go to the Cape.

I feel badly for the dog, and for the boys...but I can only do so much.

I thought of telling DS11 that the dog could come home when dad does, but then I thought the better of that remark. (even though it's true)

It kind of irritates me that MIL would whine to the boys about providing shelter to the dog, when she provides shelter to her 38-year old son when he abandoned his family...and that she could just assume that me taking on that ADDITIONAL responsiblity would be a good solution to HER problem.

Call me petty.