I have a dear friend whose husband died in his early 30's. She spent many years working and raising her children alone. She's older now and has since remarried a wonderful man.

Here is what she told me about the situation ~ The first years were very hard. After the first year she looked around and thought "I'm still alive, the kids are fine, the car is still running and the house is still standing." She said she was so worried about making mistakes, and she did make a few, but none that were irrevocable. She forgot to sign up for homestead exemption one year. It was expensive, but yes, she made it through that too.

She says she put on a brave face but inside every day she was afraid. One friend said "I knew. You didn't fool me. I knew." With time she adjusted to her new life.

My husband is 10 years older than I am. Men don't usually live as long as women. I can work myself into a tizzy sometimes thinking "If something were to happen to him, how would I live? how would I ever go on? how would I stand the pain?"

And then one day I got this devotional in my email. I think it is true and it also reminded me of my friend who took one day at a time.

May 15th

God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6:34 (MSG)


That last phrase is worthy of your highlighter: “when the time comes.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do if my husband dies.” You will, when the time comes.

“When my children leave the house, I don’t think I can take it.” It won’t be easy, but strength will arrive when the time comes.

“I could never do this or that. There is too much I don’t know.” You may be right. Or you may be wanting to know everything to soon. Could it be that God will reveal answers to you when the time comes?

The key is this: Meet today’s problems with today’s strength. Don’t start tackling tomorrow’s problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow’s strength yet. You simply have enough for today.

Excellent! AND the truth. Write this scripture on your heart Lil Sis.

LilSis,

I am reading an excellent book right now dealing with how to grow by recognizing and using the natural strengths and weaknesses of each personality type.

The major challenge for my type is: "The inability to hope in themselves as persons..."

It just sounded like what was coming through from your list.

Making this kind of list, the worst case scenario, using a scale of 1-10 - that's all things I do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Scary!

I read this quote from Helen Keller this morning and thought of you...

Sis ~ your wrote a great list.


I'm so glad you marked this as a 1. It's more like a negative -10.

Your children have TWO parents. Only ONE parent has behaved badly in their lives, not TWO. Your love, responsibility and care of those little boys is HUGE. Your fear discounts the impact of YOU and your parenting skills and the love your boys have for YOU. YOU are an awesome mother and trust me, your boys are in no way going to be emotional wrecks. Will they hurt? Yes. Will you stand by them and help them cope?? Yes. Will you teach them to be wonderful men and fathers...absolutely. You do yourself incredible injustice with this fear.

About finances.. let me tell you...I never finished college. I got married and got pregnant and became a stay at home mom, because had been raised to expect that a man would always take care of me. 2 weeks after I kicked my husband out of the house, I discovered I was pregnant. I already had 2 little guys (7 and 9) and I had no career, no real work history, and no education. My husband as the VP of a eLearning company, and made 6 figures. His OW was a gold digger, and very high maintenance. I struggled with a terrible pregnancy that left me using a walker to get around, and had to manage on the crumbs of cash my husband gave me to get by.

I will never forget the humiliation of trying to mow my front lawn, and the neighbor lady taking the mower out of my hands....

That was in the year 2000.

Today, *I* make 6 figures. My husband could cheat again, but I will never be that financially desperate again. If the worst happens and he leaves and takes his pay check, I will be JUST FINE.

I thought about myself the same way you do now, back in 2002. I did not give myself the credit I deserved either. My fears belittled and downplayed my skills, my depth of character, my strength and ability to rise up. When I started looking for a job, my husband had already come home. But I still didn't believe in me. I actually had my husband drop me off at the local Walmart for an application to work as a cashier, on my way to my interview at the company I work for now. I truely did not believe that I could find job making more than minimum wage.

Well, long story short - I got that job as a secretary, and never looked back. In 5 years I've worked my way up the ladder to management.

There is just NO WAY back there in the year 2000 I could have imagined where I am now. Had someone told me what my future would be like, I would have laughed my head off and probably called the local looney bin to make a pick-up!

You have all of those same qualities. Even if your husband never gives you another dime, you will be fine. You are not and will not be "ruined". Your life will simply change and you will adapt and grow. But thats what we are helping you work on now - helping you to drop your black and white thinking, and helping you to see that life is messy and imperfect, and just incredibly wonderful - even when the people in our lives don't behave how we planned!


You really like things your way don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Even though the statistics say your garden variety WH with his garden variety affair won't make it...and even if they do...it won't be happily ever after. So why would your situation be special? Have you read what Dr. Harley has to say about the entitlement factor does to these marriages? The whole: I've-left-every-thing-for-you-now-you-owe-me mentality sorta just ruins the whole fairy tale...trust me!

Your husband was a good man and a good husband and a good father before he lost his way, right?

His pride may not ever let him admit he was wrong - thats possible for sure, not likely, but all the same it possible. But that he does not say it does not mean it won't eat him up every day of his life.

Have you ever known an alcoholic? They drink to numb the pain of stuff done to them, AND to avoid the pain of acknowledging stuff they did to others. Its a huge burden that weighs them down. Some people straighten up and get on the right path again quickly, others need to carry that burden for a long time. Some spend their lives running away from it.

Regardless of how your husband chooses to deal with it, trust me, it will be a HUGE burden on his mind, heart and soul.


When I read this, I had to snort and say, that girl needs a spanking!

What do you mean, you won't find a way to cope!?!? What the heck do you think you are doing NOW? You are coping - and doing a damn fine job of it!


There will be pain in your life again, without a doubt.

But you know what? You have already shown that you CAN cope, you can deal, with some of the worst pain life can throw at you. Do you see my signature? That was the lesson I learned, the ONE BIG lesson among many that I learned through my husband's affair.

PAIN will happen. Misery is your choice.

Pain does not erase the joy from life, choosing misery does.


And here is where we are working on you. You are a work in progress my dear.


Well...there is some truth here. If you choose to deal with your fear of people by isolating yourself, then yes, you will be unable to do it all and do it perfectly, and you will burn yourself out trying. That's one way the boys will lose you. But the other thing is...in general you can't put up a wall around your heart and soul that will allow your children in. If you isolate yourself from others, you will NOT be able to let your boys in. THAT is where they will be abandoned.

The good news about this is, its all about choices. You DO have control over how you choose to cope with people.

You need to learn (and you will!) how to set healthy boundaries, not giant walls with barbed wire and machine gun nests on top!


Your trust has not been misplaced, your expectations of other people has been misplaced. If we can fix your expectations, your instincts ain't broke, and you'll be O.K.

You have great instincts. Your best friend, LK, sounds like a pretty darn good choice, from your description, she's a wonderful friend with a good head on her shoulders.

You chose a great IC. Your instincts didn't fail there either.

You chose MB as a support group and you post here honestly and you keep an open mind. Sounds like your instincts worked just fine there too.

Sheesh.

Even marrying your husband was a good idea. Could you imagine being without your 2 little darlings? That your husband fell off the path NOW doesn't make your choices back then the wrong ones.

One day you are going to look back at how you handled this time of your life and say, WOW, I did that, I was really good!

The expectations you have of others is what is getting to you now. When you learn to just accept that people are what they are, and not what you in your wisdom decree that they should be, you are going to find that drawing boundaries becomes far easier.

It's as a simple as recognizing that there are people who choose to break into homes, robbing and terrorizing good people. When you realize that people can and do these things, then locking your doors and windows at night becomes a no brainer..right? You don't put up 9 foot barriers and security cameras and keep everyone out. You just set up a boundary that allows in the people you want, while keeping the undesireables out. It will be the same with other aspects of your life.


Pain is a given. Misery is optional. You have complete control over the power of Misery or Joy in your life. It is a choice. It's not something that just happens to you....it requires you to choose it, embrace it, and enable it. So...don't choose Misery and you'll be fine, OK?

I am amazed. So many truly wonderful and wise words. So many things to take in and digest. It is very reassuring to know that I am on the right path and doing okay...getting there. I really can't respond in anyway that does justice to what you have all said.

The wedding yesterday was a little hard. The ceremony itself...hearing the vows...and then going up to my friend after, she and her new husband just looked at each other with such joy and expectation in their eyes and kissed, it just broke my heart...remembering.

As I walked away, I started sobbing, and one of my friends (three of us attended together) just put her arms around me and said, this will pass, you are a wonderful person, there is happiness for you.

Once I sobbed for those few minutes, we relaxed and really enjoyed the beautiful evening (the wedding was at a bed and breakfast on the lake) and each other's company.

This morning, my mom and DS8 brought me up breakfast in bed. Later on, I told my mom to come up in the attic with me (the boys were downstairs watching kid's shows). We sat down and I told her that I just needed to have a scheduled meltdown...so I just cried some big wet boo-hoos for a while and we sat and talked.

Then we had lunch and went to see Pirates of the Caribbean.

It felt really good to just unload some of that, and I so appreciated my mom just letting me cry...not trying to "do" like she usually does. (I asked her if she would just do that; sit and listen and let me cry, and she did a wonderful job) She reminded me again that WH is just completely lost, that she doesn't believe that he was always that way...that she has faith in me and believes in me. That felt really good, to hear that from her.

I have let her back in...accepting who she is and what she can offer. Asking her (specifically) if I need something else, and see if she's willing to fill that need, instead of just rejecting her for not being able to read my mind or do everything perfectly.

I've also let SIL back in...I'm reaching out, understanding that I need help, but that my expectations were impossibly high. And being very clear with myself about what I expect. I don't need to be so black and white anymore....there was a time when I needed that.

So I'm doing pretty well. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad's death, but hopefully being at work will keep me distracted enough to get past it.

I want to go back over each of these posts tonight, after the kids go to bed. I found this passage this morning from 1Peter:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

 8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

 10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Just for you:


God is thinking of your father right now, too, cherishing him and his life. He can't wait till the day when your family relationship is restored, and you and your father are reunited.

God can see that day as if it has already happened.

Thanks, Neak. I called my mom this morning to say hello, thank her for this weekend, tell her I love her and see how she is doing.

Turns out she may be leaving for Indianapolis today or tomorrow; her 93yo father is not doing well. How's that for timing?

It is six years today...so it's a Monday again, just like in 2001. The weather is almost exactly the same today. I woke up at about 5:30 this morning, which is about the time six years ago that my sister came running upstairs and told me to come, because dad had stopped breathing. I had done the midnight to 3 a.m. shift by his bedside, and I was so groggy and disoriented. We just stood there, helpless, while he breathed his last.

I distinctly remember that when we decided it was over, that he had gone, we turned off the oxygen tank and it seemed so incredibly quiet.

Then things went on auto-pilot...and I was so very, very grateful that I had my H to lean on.

I called sis this morning to confirm; WH is picking the boys up today for cousin's b-day, and also will pick them up tomorrow (his usual day).

I filled the boys in on our summer plans so that they can begin to have a picture of how things will be...me dropping them off in the morning of WH's days off, WH bringing them home the following evening. I also told them that I would be working this summer...which I have never done before...and that I am trying to work that in with their days at dad's and Grandma coming a few times.

Trying to step back...my mom told me that she actually thinks I'm doing pretty well...she says she notices that I still have my sense of humor, which she thinks is significant. Nice to hear some affirmation from mom, who has never been really generous that way.

One of the things that keeps getting me tangled up is when I fail to acknowledge that this was not my doing; that WH is in a twisted, awful place and I need to NOT go there. I need to NOT buy in to the twisted awfulness and remember that *I* am okay, that *I* may not have been a perfect wife, but I was not an awful, abusive wife and I did nothing to deserve the pain that he intentionally inflicted.

I am starting to see the pattern that develops in me when I lose sight of that. I need that constant reassurance, that voice to say over and over...you didn't deserve this, you are worthy of so much more, he did love you and was a good man once. That what I am feeling is normal; I'm not "stuck" or crazy. My progress is steady but slow, but the pace is probably all it can be with a hurt this deep.

Maybe it's easier to get stuck in the past because the future is so uncertain and so undefined. I have no picture, no context for it...I have never imagined a life in which I am divorced, a single parent, rejected by my husband. Never considered it (who has?)...so it's like trying to create a whole new image of my life, after a lifetime of having only one image...one certain future.

Let God take care of your future. You just take care of today.

Like I posted before, back in those dark days - when I was a rejected single parent...I could not have imagined in a bajillion years where my life is today.

God has a bigger (and better!) imagination than either you or I. So how about letting him plan somethinmg completely awesome for you, while you just take care of what needs doing today?

And let me say this, as one Catholic to another...I firmly believe that our loved ones who have passed on before us, watch over us and pray for us.

I have no doubt that your father is storming heaven on your behalf....

You know what I did today? I FINALLY sent in the city income taxes that WH had given me (via MIL) to sign and send in weeks ago.

I brought them to work to make copies for myself before sending in, and kept forgetting to do so. Convenient memory lapse, eh? I just dread doing even the SIMPLIST thing that seems to break the bond or remind me of how "gone" H is.

So TODAY, I did it. That's taking care of today. (actually, it's taking care of yesterday, but hey.)

One little thing at a time. No more waiting for the emotionally convenient time. Just do today's work today, and leave tomorrow's work for tomorrow.

As in no more thinking of the boys' weddings and how uncomfortable it will be with WH, how a day we would have rejoiced together will be tainted. Yes, I actually thought about that this weekend while at my friend's wedding...could I get any FURTHER ahead of myself??

Nope, this afternoon I am going to make a list of everything that needs doing, and decide what I can manage on my own, and what I would like someone else to do because it is too difficult (like the appraisal...I'll schedule it for a time when someone else can be at the house so I don't have to be there)

Trying to strike a balance between doing what needs to be done and not trying to exert control over those things that are in God's hands, not mine.

I’ve noticed another pattern, and BR, you mentioned it again with the bajillion years comment.

People keep telling me what a bright future I have. My friend R at the wedding, you all here, my mom, SIL…why do others seem so totally convinced that I’ll be really happy again, but I can’t convince myself? Do you think this is just a by-product of being hurt? Is it just a symptom of grief, or lack of trust in myself?

I’m quite sure that I can COPE, but to be truly HAPPY…that’s another thing entirely. I wish I had that confidence that I’ll be happy. Come to think of it, though, at one point I didn’t think I could even cope, so maybe it’s just a process of “getting there.”

...and BR...it's interesting about your comment about my dad storming heaven. Although I understand what you were saying, that particular image didn't seem right, so I thought about it.

Dad was a patient, patient man (four daughters...you get the picture). But even in everyday life, he was very much a delayed gratification type of guy...wasn't in the least bit materialistic, always drove a used car, never looking for the quick way or easy way to do things. Doing everything himself. Never throwing anything away..."it's still good!"

A diffeent image came to mind. I picture him in the garden, tilling the soil, weeding, watering, nurturing, biding his time, talking and laughing softly with others, sun on his face, with hope and faith. Waiting for the harvest. That's his way. All in good time.

Clearly, this was a virtue that I did not inherit from my dad. Maybe he's helping me learn that lesson. I will keep that image in my mind...Dad the gardener. Working without complaint, satisfied with the thought that there will be bounty in the end.

This was beautiful, Sis.

You're really doing well even if it doesn't feel like it. When you get triggered (or trigger yourself), you come here and post about it, and you get great advice, and then you apply it.

(((LilSis)))

Aaaah so your dad was a Let-God-Take-Care-Of-The-Future kind of guy. He sounds absolutely delightful.

I still think he is busy storming heaven - lol!

He may have been (and is!) a man who trusts God to have a totally awesome outcome already figured out and who knows that God doesn't need a mere mortal messing up the plan.

HOWEVER no loving father is going to watch his daughter suffer without asking God for an abundance of graces to give his daughter strength.

And yes, it sounds like you can still learn something from your dad!

My dad had lots o' patience, and he was always one to work on behalf of the underdog...in his quiet, behind-the-scenes way. And he ususally was pretty successful at it, too....never gave up.

So I guess you are right. Maybe he is storming heaven....in his quiet, behind the scenes way. Getting all the ducks in a row, making sure all the bases are covered, considering it from every angle, reading Consumers Reports.

So when he acts, it's with determination and certainty.

Helping make things right for me. Did I ever share the ten things I learned from my Dad? (I wrote it the day after he died for the woman who did his eulogy; my sisters insisted that I be the one to write something on behalf of us girls)

• Things that are old and worn out are the most comfortable.

• Don’t start eating until you say grace.

• Work is hard, and can make you tired, but when you believe in what you do, it’s worth it.

• A sense of humor will get you through the most difficult times, such as when all the hot water is gone.

• Never bring home an Irish setter (or anything else) that doesn’t belong to you.

• Making others happy can be the key to your own happiness.

• Sometimes “good enough” really is good enough.

• Never make a major purchase without consulting Consumer Reports.

• A rose is often found between two thorns.

• Sometimes it’s just a raccoon outside the camper, so don’t be afraid to face what scares you.

• Guilt is an extremely effective parenting tool.

• Sometimes you get the twirly plate, or the bay leaf on your piece of pizza, or chocolate cake when you’d rather have lemon, but enjoy your food—and life—anyway.

Right after d-day, I printed this out and stuck it on my fridge. I should probably pay more attention to it, instead of glancing at it as I reach in for the ice cream.

I love it, what an awesome list.

let me just highlight....


Listen to your Dad, young lady! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Feeling a little triggery this morning. I was thinking about my dad a lot yesterday, missing him, wishing he were here, feeling sad. I’m also dreading the next few weeks…DS11 leaves for a school trip on Sunday at 4 a.m., returns on Weds. Morning, and then WH is picking them both up on Weds night for their trip to North Dakota, where they will be for 10 days.

It’s a long time to be away from the boys.

Then shortly after they get back, it is the anniversary of D-day, then a bunch of ugly anniversaries after that…our trip away to “reconnect,” last SF, the day he left. Then Aug. 2, the next settlement conference.

I guess the advice is one day at a time, right? Focus on today, let those days take care of themselves. Let God work that other stuff out in His way and His time. I keep coming back to one thing…if I had more faith, I would be in much better shape. I wish I could just hear God’s “voice” reassuring me. I read the Bible every night, but it doesn’t “speak” to me in way I feel like I need, which is more in the form of a 2x4.

I’m worried that I won’t have enough outside distractions to keep me focused on “today.” I really need to be around people to be distracted…even mowing the lawn allows the mind to wander. I rely heavily on the boys to keep me grounded in the here and now…without them around I’m afraid I’ll feel lost.

But maybe I won’t feel that lost. Maybe I’ll be busy and having fun and get a lot accomplished around the house. Maybe I’ll end up with plans every night, doing stuff with LK, SIL, the poker girls, my sister, my mom. Maybe I’ll be really busy at work. Maybe I should just try really, really hard to look forward to it, instead of dreading it.

Maybe it’s just a cute little raccoon poking around the campsite, and not a ferocious grizzly bear.

Lilsis-

I like the image of the raccoon-that was great advice from your dad. I'm going to borrow it if you don't mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think the reason your bible reading isn't "speaking" to you right now is because God knows you don't need 2x4's from Him.
You need His loving presence. God is more interested in sending you love letters. Be on the look out for them. They come in the most interesting ways.

Faith isn't about having a peaceful demeanor in all circumstances. It's about choosing to believe God has everything in His hands even when it really doesn't seem like it, because we can't see it. When I had my surgery, my "Aunt Nancy" (one of my parents' lifelong friends) send me a card that I have saved. You see, her youngest daughter, Kristin, and I were childhood friends. Kristine died from surgery complications when I was 18. Well, in this card Nancy wrote that there were days during that time that she literally stomped her feet and shouted "I will choose to believe!"

That helped so much, almost like being given permission to feel weak in my faith-and know that it was okay to be in that place where I could tell God I was going to choose to believe but I was also having trouble with hope.

When the boys are gone, perhaps every time you think of them, you can send up little prayers for them-turn that into something positive. And then, take advantage of the time to do grown-up stuff that you can't with them.

Rent movies you can't watch with them but want to see. Go out for dinner with friends and stay late. Go shopping for nothing, but enjoy the time trying on shoes and dresses and such, without having to worry about boring two boys (I have two boys as well-and shopping for them is like hunting. Search, capture and leave). Revel in the fact that you aren't doing laundry every other day.

You are doing great. We often can't see the growth we experience while we are in the valley. It takes climbing up the mountain a while and looking back. Then we see the green, and the bloom, and the growth.

you really ARE doing great!

LS:

Throw a stick at the Critter outside your tent.

But don't worry about the critter until he does show.

Everything in life can be a trigger. You have to make the choice to move beyond it.

Some will be easier to do this with than others.

But it's still up to you.

Your journey of renewal that you have let us look over every day is amazing.

Remember that. H deserves you. WH deserves the lousy life he is choosing.

LG

I was asking myself a question…and then realized that it is irrelevant. It is beyond my control. The question was this: since fear is driving a lot of this, I was wondering: what am I more afraid of? And which SHOULD I be more afraid of?

1. Being with WH (who may present himself as H, but is really still WH, or may fall back into W-ish behavior)
2. Being without WH (which leaves me alone and kids without an intact family unit)

Because what I WANT is H. But that may not be one of my options.

So I need to figure out what I DO want…of the things that are WITHIN my control.

I want the boys and I to be secure, healthy, confident, happy and successful.

So the question REALLY is how do I get there?

• To be secure, I work, I save, I spend wisely, I make sure that I get my fair share in the D.
• To be healthy, I take care of myself and eat right.
• To be confident, I remind myself that God has a plan, and that I am worthy and special and smart, etc. (going along with this is that I don’t allow myself to “go there” with the rationalizations that WH spouts.
• To be happy…? I learn to cope with the pain? I love others? I love myself? I trust others? I allow others to love me? This is a hard one. How can I be happy when all I ever wanted (growing old with my husband, kids, picket fence) is blown to smithereens?
• To be successful, I accomplish all of the above, pretty much…or at least do my personal best at accomplishing the above.

And it follows that I do all that I can for the boys in the same way (save for college, give them healthy foods, etc).

But the happiness thing...does that really come from within? Because I have a hard time with that. If happiness comes from within, then we would never be affected by other's words or actions.

Anyway...rambling again...