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SO GLAD TO ENTERTAIN YOU....

likewise

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I am so inspired by chrisner's latest posts. What he describes is the kind of contentment that I hope to achieve. I think I'm getting there...at least I have a sense of what it feels like.

Now that I know what to strive for, it's like getting a taste...I'll know it when I feel it, I have something to work for, a way to BE, how I want to feel.

I don't know if that makes sense.

All that said...a little trigger. My sister (who had confirmed the summer schedule with WH) told me that WH wanted to make one change. He wanted to pick up the boys on Sunday AM prior to their trip to the cottage (the one he rented out from under me because it was so important that he go there with the boys).

I was a bit surprised, but it's fine. The cottage is rented from Saturday to Saturday; check-in time is 3:00, which always leaves plenty of time to "play" on Saturday afternoon/night since it stays light until so late.

My sister reminded me about that on the phone this morning as we were talking about the schedule (my mom is coming on a couple of occassions). I wondered aloud why WH was delaying a day.

She said, "Do you want to know? It's not a big deal." Grrrr....my curiousity got the better of me. Turns out his class reunion is on Saturday.

Which totally makes me do the old eyeroll...he was bound and determined to have that cottage, that I couldn't have it...and whooops!! the class reunion conflicts, so you know what takes priority here...

After all, when one is reliving one's adolescence, what better way than to go back to high school.

Oh...the wayward mind never ceases to amaze.

But I have brushed it off...it's humorous, actually, but mostly sad. I don't want to look at that ugliness, I don't want to be brought down to his reality....I think that is unhealthy. What chrisner said is so true....the recovery from waywardness has got to be absolutely brutal...it's no wonder many don't ever make the attempt.

When I think of WH, choosing the class reunion over the special, rare, and precious time with his sons...wow...that is someone I do not recognize. That is a completely different human being, a different soul; one I do not wish to know.

I think I can have peace with that...if I truly want contentment, there is nothing else I CAN do. The most difficult part of doing so is acknowledging that the boys will never really understand the man their father was.

In a little way, I have to wonder if hearing this "truth" about the class reunion taking priority over the trip on the same day that I've reached this conclusion about my own power in finding contentment...maybe it's God's way of affirming this path....???

My sons are closer THAN EVER to their father...THIS NEW IMPROVED VERSION OF THEIR FORMER FATHER...

I was just actually speaking with my OS about this yesterday..the need to ACCEPT his FATHER for who he REALLY IS...not putting him up on a PEDESTAL..having overly high expectations of HIM...

I'M THANKFUL THAT HE IS NOT THE MAN THAT HE WAS....which SEEMED TO BE PERFECT..but was JUST MY ILLUSION...He did not want to FIT INTO THE PERFECT PACKAGE OF WHO I WANTED HIM TO BE..he wanted me to accept HIM for who HE REALLY was..including all of his FRAILTIES...

A major, major growth piece for me was in learning that WHAT I ASSUMED ABOUT OUR PERFECT LIFE BEFORE THE AFFAIR WAS THE WAY I IMAGINED IT TO BE BUT it was NOT THE WAY IT REALLY WAS...

Maybe this is not true for you, Sis...

But your WH may not have wanted to be the man that HE WAS...or who YOU WANTED HIM TO BE...

Good for you Sis....your choices will bring you the far sweeter rewards of little arms around your neck, sticky kisses and ...uh lots of dirty laundry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Letting go of fear and guilt gives you plenty of time to enjoy NOW!

mimi: You are speaking from the POV of someone whose H has recovered. For you and your boys, it has clearly been a blessing to discover the "real" DH, flaws and all.

Unfortunately for me and the boys, WH is pretty stinky (as you remember), and we are stuck with him presently.

If he cleans himself up...yes...he will be even more admirable than he once was. Far preferable to the man he was, in fact, having lived through the fire, faced his demons, and survived.

But right NOW...the stench of W is thick. It poisons the atmosphere around him, and the boys have to breathe that in. The misplaced values, the immorality, the entitlement, the selfishness...

Given the choice, I'd rather have my boys get to know the H that WAS...even if he was an illusion...than the one WH who IS. Even if H was partly an illusion, he sure behaved and expressed a completely different values system than WH, one that is much more consistent with mine.

No matter, really...it is what it is, and it is my responsibility to try to ammeliorate the damage done to the boys by setting a good example, talking with them honestly and helping them find ways to cope with the mixed messages they are getting. THIS is what I need to focus on NOW.

BR: you are right...more time for everything...more room to let in the wonder of the world around me...more opportunity for opportunities...

LS:

If you had a videotape of your evening with the boys?

And was able to show that to your H? He would be destroyed and realize what he has done.

Show it to WH?

He will spend the rest of his life pursuing an evening where that could happen. But it won't. Ever.

One night a week and every other weekend do not lend themselves to allowing these types of things to happen.

Contentment.

Yeah, I get that.

(((LS)))

LG

When I think of WH, choosing the class reunion over the special, rare, and precious time with his sons...wow...that is someone I do not recognize. That is a completely different human being, a different soul; one I do not wish to know.
__________________

the same guy who goes to the tanning salon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

shake it of LS....maybe someday you'll both look back and be able to laugh at "him".

LilSis,

Please do not be too hasty to judge. Maybe H also would have preferred to go to the (I assume) 20 year class reunion (once in a lifetime) and put off the trip (an annual event) for one day, but wouldn't have dared to suggest it, fearing judgement.

I would probably do the same thing - postpone the trip one day, I mean.

BUT - not if I was a WS.

Classmates - "So, WH, what are you up to these days?"
WH - "I left my wife and sons to move in with my parents while I continue an affair with a no-longer married women and get a divorce."
Classmates - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

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Hi nia!! (waving) I've missed you.

shol: He wasn't interested in going to the 15-year, so...hmmmm.

It would be interesting, wouldn't it, to hear how he responds to the "so what's up with you lately" question, especailly since "Uncle P" is also in his graduating class and will be only too happy to set the record straight (along with a few others I know).

I love your response. If only he would be that honest...something tells me there will be a whole different spin on what comes out of his mouth.

What surprises me (okay, not really) most is that--given the above--he would postpone the trip a day to attend.

The boys know that the cottage "begins" on Saturday, and they count down the days and are chomping at the bit to go. As soon as they get up there, they have the swimsuits on and they are in the lake, splashing around, catching minnows, being boys. They need to be dragged in by the hair.

Given the fact that WH sees them little enough as it is...ahhh....just more selfish entitlement...

Yeah...slighting the kids in this way just validates the fact that WH is "all about him." What makes HIM happy. What does HE want, and when and where and how.

Knowing this, understanding this, and accepting this... helps me find contentment, because I know that this is absolutely not right. I don't need to question my perception about this, second guess it, try to excuse it, or even get upset about it.

It just isn't right, but it's something that HE is doing, not me.

Nothing that WH is doing is right...just because he says it's okay, just because his parents enable it...doesn't make it right. It just isn't. *I* know this. No one else has to affirm it for me (although if you guys want to, I don't mind...)

I can be confident and CONTENT in what *I* am doing, in my personal values and beliefs, in how I will choose to live the life that I have ahead of me, in the life that is around me right now.

LG: I don't even know if WH would recognize what he's missing. What he's lost already in this past year is priceless: his sons, ages 7-8 and 10-11. Remember how GREAT boys are at this age, how they adore dad, want nothing more than to be just like dad, how they observe and mimic? And WH MISSED it, missed it all!! (Not that he was emotionally all that present when they were 5-7 and 8-10, but still...)

Lil Sis, you got your fix today by asking why.

I would have done the same thing probably. However, it really stirred you up, didn't it.

Plan B = DARK

LS-

I think that I agree that he probably was afraid to ask you.

It is just one day, he is still spending the rest of the time with them. It is still pretty selfish of him though.

I also just wanted to say that I LOVED the list of things that your father taught you and your sisters. He sounded a like my Dad does. I printed it out and hung it in my computer room. Great wisdom! You must have learned a lot from him!

Just thought that I would say hello, you are doing a good job still. It is hard, you know that. But you are moving along, and you are getting better. Slowly, but better nonetheless. It is not always how FAST you finish the race that matters, but HOW you finish it, and THAT you finish it. So keep on with your plan B, at the speed that is comfortable for you. Do it for YOU, and YOU alone, the way that is right for YOU. You are doing just fine. You are NORMAL, with normal feelings, and emotions.

Keep on trekking! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sadmo: Thank you! I'm glad you liked my list. I assume your dad is still living? Give him a huge hug! My progress is due in no small part to the cheering from the sidelines...IRL, virtual, and spiritual.

MF: Yeah, I know. Not dark, but even you admit you probably would have let curiosity get to you. But honestly...even though it didn't sound like it because I've revisited it in response to others...I didn't feel all that "stirred up."

More like, "yep...one more piece of evidence" in a case that's already been tried and the defendant found guilty. Not surprising, not notable, just validating that the verdict was correct.

Just accept it, and move on. Too bad for the boys, but I'm not that surprised, and it's minor in comparison to the other ways he's disappointed them. I'm not going to waste time or energy getting bent out of shape about it.

And I kind of LIKE that! So what IS truly notable to me is my reaction. I'm OKAY with it....not because I think what he's doing is okay, but because it is what it is.

Huh. Who knew?

It is 5:50 a.m. and I have already been grocery shopping. Since I'm up and the paper hasn't arrived yet, I might as well check in with everyone here.

DS11 left at 4:00 for his school trip to DC, which means we were up at 3. After DS boarded the bus, I waited outside his window until they actually pulled out of the school parking lot about 45 minutes later. DS was pretty much the only kid who kept looking out the window, pressing his face up to the glass to see me as I stood outside the bus. The other kids were all bouncing around. At one point he drew his index finger down his cheek...showing me he was crying?

It's only a few days; he'll be back Weds AM. He'll have a great time. If he does have any trouble, his teacher--an incredibly warm, lovely woman--is there, and I know she will soothe him.

WH left a message yesterday wishing DS a good time. I was glad for that.

I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to make this trip happen for DS; going to the meetings, paying for it, etc. I am so grateful that I got to be the one to help him pack, to help him choose his snacks for the bus, to talk to him about what he would be doing there, to make sure he had everything he needed (including Dramamine), to get up at 3 in the morning, and to stand out in the cold for 45 minutes waiting for the bus to leave.

That's what being a parent is all about. It truly is a joy, to do those things for your children, to watch them grow and develop their own unique and remarkable personalities and to become individuals...I wouldn't trade it for the world, not for the world. To just throw it away is simply unimaginable.

The birds are chirping.
The sun's coming up.
The wisteria is growing like gangbusters right outside this window.
I have a warm cup of coffee and raspberry cream cheese danish that I bought while grocery shopping at 5 a.m. (yes, huge indulgence; must have a million fat grams, probably all trans fat).
It is going to be a beautiful, spectacular Michigan day.
All's right with the world.

Getting "stirred up" is a choice. And for today you are choosing to stay in serenity instead of "going there" to punish yourself.

GOOD JOB!

Just an observation....

Being content doesn't equate to no sadness.

I ended up feeling a little down today...probably due to lack of sleep AND saying good-bye to DS11. It tugs at a mom's heart, you know?

And I did LET my mind go to the "woe is me" place for a bit, but later, sitting outside in the sun, feet up, glass of raspberry lemonade, watching DS8 and my niece digging around in the garden...contentment returned. The feeling that this is what life is all about, even the twanging of the heart strings when DS11 is away.

I "know the way" to contentment now...I understand how I can consciously get there. I'm sure that sometimes it will be a more challenging journey, and other times a quick freeway exit. But the important thing is that I know where I need to be.

Anyway...DARN! I was hoping that being content would mean being happy all the time and the end of all my troubles (I'm just kidding you know).

I’m going to think aloud here, and hoping someone can help me process this a bit.

I know what I want: contentment. I know that I have a lot going for me in my life…I won’t recount them here again because I have often enough. I know I will survive this, I know I will be stronger. That’s about all I know.

So here’s my issue: at what point do I acknowledge that the D is a sure thing and that the only path to contentment is to accept that, focus on the business end of it all, grieve it and move on? Really, truly let him go. Give him what he wants. Rip the band-aid off quickly.

I do not want the D, but it IS happening, and I can do nothing to stop it…I can acknowledge that truth. Sometimes I feel like I am the one in denial, that I have my fingers in my ears, eyes closed, going la-la-la-la. See no evil, hear no evil. “It’s not happening!!”

Sometimes I feel that the only hope I have of R is of my own making, and it only exists in my heart and imagination. Objectively, it seems so clear that WH is determined to get out, and he will get out one way or the other. Everyone else seems to have accepted it...everyone but the kids and I. I am afraid that I will be devastated when that thread of hope for recovery that I’ve held on to is finally revealed to be a figment of my imagination.

No matter how much I have grown, it will still hurt A LOT. So maybe I’m answering my own question…maybe the D itself is just the legal part, and no matter when or how it occurs, the pain will move at its own pace.

Contentment is accepting things for what they are, and not fighting what “is.” Isn’t hoping for R, dragging out the D, isn’t that sowing seeds of discontentment? WH IS Ding me. I DID make a lot of mistakes in my marriage, post-d-day, and in Plan A. These are all true, and I am able to admit them, to myself and others. I can’t change any of this. Contentment is also acknowledging what is under my control. The D is not, but the pace, to an extent, is. But if it’s a sure thing, why not just get it over with?

No matter how I have tried to re-arrange the puzzle pieces, they only fit together one way, and the picture that emerges is not one of recovery. So if I rip off the band-aid, will there just be an open sore there that is more prone to infection, or will the open air help it heal faster?

I know I rambled, and jumped around a lot, but like I said…it’s thinking aloud.

Honestly LS? I think you have more "contentment" right now than you would have if you *got what you wish for.*

I know you don't want the divorce. So lets say that WH stopped it and started making his way back? What will you have then? Do you think that will bring contentment?

Honestly -- it won't. It will bring at least two years of struggle. Recovery is HARD. You will have a lot of issues to deal with, and probably a lot of hurting for both of you.
I won't go into the list of issues, you know what they are. But dealing with any of that will not equal "contentment."

Think about what you have now...you are much closer!
I think you are darn close to contentment!

I don't think that the divorce is a sure thing. And I strongly recommend you delaying it and dealing with it the MB way.

CONTENTMENT is NOT ALWAYS FEELING THE NEED TO DO SOMETHING...

ENJOY TODAY, SIS...

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS...

FOCUS ON ENJOYING TODAY....THAT IS CONTENTMENT...

when the ink is dry after you both have signed