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No need to apologize. I have much respect for you, Pep, and I also understand that many people (including therapists) really don't believe in P/A behaviour. I probably didn't either until I started getting sledgehammered by it several years ago and had NO idea what on earth was going on or why.
That's why when I *do* post, it's usually to try to help someone who looks like they're going through a similar thing.
Thanks for the thoughts. Mulan
Me, BW WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
I'd much prefer the typical Wayward "diagnosis" because that seems less scary that the P/A one. Hopefully WH's PA-ishness is situational; other wise I totally misjudged him for over a decade, and my kids will have to deal with it.
Prior to the A, I wouldn't have described him as controlling at all. We made decisions together, we planned things together, we were equals. We shared child-care duties, we arranged work schedules. He was right there; we were partners. Sure, we both had our moments, but I never felt pressured or manipulated.
And sure, he is an underachiever, his brother was the golden boy; all that...but none of this was dealbreaker stuff. There could be a million explanations for it.
I think that somewhere along the way, he started to feel let down (call it not meeting ENs, whatever), and proceeded down that slippery slope to Turdville. The anger, shame, guilt...whatever it was that he was experiencing while he kept it secret...caused him to fall into the same PA patterns his dad modeled since childhood.
However, that's not to say that H isn't gone...totally gone. He may be, just as lots of other "standard issue" waywards are. I think a lot of people here had some expectation that my particular WH would be blown away by Plan B. I knew he wouldn't be.
The only thing that will save him is hitting bottom, and choosing to swim back to the top.
My question today had to do with the possibility of a nudge. That's all. And as I recall, in another thread some time back, the discussion was that an "olive branch" should only go out if there's some seeming movement by the WS. Which I have not experienced.
So click! Out go the lights and back I go to being a single-mom-without-her-kids-around-leaving -her-with-lots-of-time-on- her-hands whose friend backed out on going to the movies tonight. Darn!!
So...SL...I will take care of ME. And I am working, working, working to find my happiness....while working through the grief at the same time. I'm going to reach out to others when I sense their need. I'm going to take my friends out for lunch and enjoy their company. I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to eat the food that I like, and eat chocolate chips for dessert.
Sorry to hear about your friend not being able to make it out with you tonight. You know, you could go to the movie alone. I have. I just went in right after the previews started and sat down and watched. I enjoyed it. Well, that's me, not you, so I get it, not wanting to go alone.
I sure hope you do take care of you, Sis, and find the time to commune with God.
About the comment that your WH would be 'blown away' by your plan B. I have RARELY seen that reaction from a WS on these boards. It usually takes a lot of time.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
I did go to a movie alone...this past New Year's Eve, no less!! How's THAT for indepenence? Surrounded by couples...and then there's me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I won't tonight, though...it's a beautiful evening for a walk and she and I might go another night.
Ruby: yes, I've talked to the boys twice! On Sunday, I was just about to do as you suggested. I was talking to the local SIL (whose son went with WH and the boys to visit cousins), and asked if she had heard from her son. She said no, and a minute later, her call waiting clicked in and it was her son. I told her to tell him to have the boys call...which they did!
So it all worked out great. They called again this morning to tell me they were going camping.
They are having a grand time, both miss me lots (whew!) and we did phone hugs and kisses.
meggy: maybe you could ask DH how he would have responded to a nudge while in his alien phase?
And about the whole PA thing...FIL fits it to a T...absolutely. And this is the environment in which WH grew up. Uncle P told me that FIL has always been this way. WH and I would talk about it...it bugged us both how controlling FIL was...to the point of adjusting the dimmer switch a millimeter up or down at Christmas dinner.
I don't THINK that's WH's general "way," but it's not easy to overcome years of parental modeling. I think he accomodated those patterns on occassion, and certainly did so once the A began. Maybe his job was an outlet for it prior to the A, so I didn't see it.
Anyway, on to me! I won't waste this beautifu evening contemplating the mental health (or lack thereof) of my WH! I am going to relish my "me" time, and remind myself how okay I am going to be.
meggy: maybe you could ask DH how he would have responded to a nudge while in his alien phase?
Okay, will do. Have a good evening.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
When I read you talking about spending such special, memorable time with your boys, I know that you are going to be okay. When I hear your humanity in your words, oozing with appreciation for the beauty in the world that surrounds you, I know you are going to be okay. I, seriously, used to worry about you, wanted to soothe you, because you make yourself so tangible here. I felt like a mama wanting to soothe her daughter, but knowing that, this time, her daughter had to soother herself in order to learn and grow.
I'm an in awe when I read about you, running the gauntlet all of the time; I never had to do that. The only time I saw WH's car was when he was picking up or dropping off. I never had to deal with those daily, visual triggers. You have learned so much.
Thank you for being happy for me; it means so very much coming from you and my other Plan B pals, still fighting the good fight.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
SIS, someone wrote me the other day, yesterday, and wanted to know if I could get in touch with you...since you don't have an email address posted here...
She said that she havs been following your thread for some time but doesn't post and wanted to know if I could pass on this email to you...she said that you are an inspiration to her...
So, if you are interested...you know how to get in touch with me...my email is in my profile...
I checked it out and it's beautiful...truely something wonderful to share and a great compliment to you that you were thought of in such a wonderful way...
How blessed you are and it is my honor to share it with you...a gift in itself to come in my direction...
Funny...my first thought when I read that post was the OLD Angels: Farrah, Kate, and Jaclyn (I don't remember their names on the show). Does that show my age or what? (I never saw the movie, either...)
And no matter how much I secretly wanted to be one of the other two, I've always known I would be Kate, the motherly one, not flashy or glamorous. So I guess that makes you Jaclyn! And I think we all knew that Bugs is Farrah. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
the OLD Angels: Farrah, Kate, and Jaclyn (I don't remember their names on the show). Does that show my age or what? (I never saw the movie, either...)
____________________________________
Jill, Sabrina and Kelly!
and i am older than you.... so i guess that just means that i remember silly trivia and your brain is filled w/ more useful information.
oh, and by the way...kate was my favorite...the smart one....one i WISHED i could be like! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> i was more of a farrah. kind of embarrassing when you look at her NOW.
Speaking of old stars gone bad, I was watching a sitcom that I watch ALL THE TIME on LifeTime, "Still Standing." My DH walked in the room and said, "Boy, Sally Struthers really looks bad now, huh?" I said, "Huh?". He goes, "right there, that's her." I jumped up off the couch and said, "OMG! I can't believe that's her and I never recognized her until you said something!" I met her in an airport years ago when she was still doing "All in the Family". Seeing her now made me determined to do everything possible to not let myself go!
Sis, I talked to DH last night about you. I'll post the convo here in a little bit.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 06/20/0708:26 AM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Hey, atleast you found it! I can't get youtube at work and won't usually evev try it using dialup at home! U R NOT lazy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
But, I like the ORIGINALs,,,kind of like me,,and you,,,and Sis - we ARE originals! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Now, go FOCUS!
BS (me) ExWS -Drac DD 9 DSS 15 D Day 11/06 Divorced 10/01/07
Let's not think about the "where are they now" stuff. Bugs, you are Farrah of the poster, and Rin, you are Jaclyn of the Cover Girl ads (or was it lip gloss?)
As I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking...okay, this "me" time has been great and all, but I'm ready to be Mom again. It's just part of who I am.
I miss their hugs and their voices and all of that. So I guess this has been good for me. Maybe I'll appreciate the grit on the floor, the sticky counter, the mountain of laundry...
How can anyone CHOOSE to give that up...and in the process of making that choice, HURT those very precious children?? Consciously???
Arghhhh.....
Those boys...is it wrong to say that they are my life right now?
my vote is Charlie.... the words of wisdom over the internet. Someone we can't see but is there for us.
Still
BW me 46 WH 46 Together 28 years married 23 3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14 DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW WH left job 4/02 MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up) Separated 7/04 to 10/04 Retrouvaille 9/04 Red Flags 11/05 DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss. Moved out (him) weekend after labor day 23rd anniversary 10/7/07 Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
