The Truth about Soul Mates
Written by Joy Dunlap

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Google™ the term “soul mate” on the Internet and you’ll get more than 1.5 million references, ranging from dating services to astrological match-ups. A soul mate is, according to popular definitions, that one person who is perfectly matched for you — one who “completes” you (a phrase made famous in the film “Jerry Maguire”).




Sacred Marriage


Watch enough movies or TV shows and you’ll find characters gushing about finding their soul mates. “They’ve taken the term and romanticized it and Hollywood-ized it,” says Cathy Robinson, who’s been married for 15 years.

The question is: How much of our culture’s definition of soul mates have Christians accepted as gospel truth for their marriages?

The Problem with Soul Mates
When feelings of infatuation cease after a few years of marriage (and they will), and the reality that this relationship isn’t perfect sinks in, couples who dreamed of happily ever after often find themselves wondering what happened.

“They panic and say, ‘This person must not be my soul mate after all. That means my real soul mate must be out there, and I’ve got to dump this loser before [someone] comes along and takes away the person I was destined to marry,’” says Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage.

This soul mate concept is attractive to many people because it offers an easy exit from a less-than-perfect marriage and a reason for not working to improve it. Couples can convince themselves that if things aren’t going well, then their partner may not have been the “right one.”

“I know my soul mate exists and [my husband] isn’t it,” one unhappily married woman recently confided. “This [other] guy really understands me, finishes my sentences, knows me at a deep level.”

The grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side delusion undermines many marriages, but the reality never lives up to the fantasy. “Trust me, that person’s going to wake up with bad breath, too,” says Steve Bell, co-author of Made to Be Loved with his wife of 34 years, Valerie.

A married person who fantasizes about a perfect soul mate who’s out there somewhere, or believes a specific person outside the marriage is possibly “the one,” will create an emotional block to intimacy in marriage.

Daily disappointments also negate marital connection. When a husband fails to take out the trash, refuses to visit the in-laws, and never says thank you for dinner, his wife may feel those actions reflect a lack of love and begin to withdraw. When a wife neglects her household responsibilities, forgets to run an errand for her husband, or doesn’t notice the car her spouse washed, he may think she takes him for granted.

“We’ve basically adopted a secular model that this person is to fulfill us,” Thomas says. “We’ve almost created an idol out of another person, asking of them something God never designed them to give.”

Plus, notes Betty Tyndall, marriage therapist and co-founder of Great Mates Ministries, couples who choose divorce when their marriage turns unhappy soon learn that the issues they don’t work through in one marriage will inevitably follow them into the next.

“Any skills you do not develop with your current spouse will be waiting at the door of your next marital adventure,” Tyndall says, “still undeveloped, still in need of your realization and efforts. You may as well face them within the relationship you’ve already put your heart, time, and energy into.”

A Matter of Choice
“I’m just not happy and God wouldn’t want me to live like this,” a middle-aged Christian woman married for many years to another believer recently confessed.

The notion everything in life that’s “meant to be” will be easy and bring happiness is a cultural fallacy. Commercials portray it. Romance novels encourage it. Movies play out the scene over and over. But the reality is that marriage — like anything worthwhile — takes work and commitment.

“I don’t believe,” he says, “that God creates one person specifically to be married to someone else. I think he can guide two people, but I think He’s going to give them the choice,” Thomas says.

Then, once you make a choice to marry, you and your spouse become mates — for life — and your relationship becomes a lifetime process of growing together.

Choosing Faithfulness over Fantasy
Over time, couples may begin to feel disconnected. Conversations begin to revolve more around the practical stuff of life and less around thoughts and dreams. As that happens, husbands and wives can work to improve their intimacy level through shared communication, activities, and time together.

An immediate jump from emotional distance to having meaningful prayer time is not a realistic expectation, Bell says. But couples can move toward intimacy one step at a time.

When individuals long for a soul mate, Bell says, what they really want is spiritual intimacy. “It’s that satisfying connection that occurs when a husband and wife learn to experience God at the deepest level.”

To take steps toward that kind of connection, start by choosing faithfulness over fantasy.

1. Focus on giving, not getting. Each day pray, “God, what can I do today to make it better for my mate?” Bell suggests. Then act on it.

“Sometimes,” he says, “it’s nothing more than a simple phone call in the middle of the day; or instead of saying what a lousy day I had, asking about the other person’s day.”

2. Examine character. Exaggeration, misrepresentation, withholding information, lying, and cheating all damage trust in a marriage, says Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com and a marriage counselor with more than 35 years of experience. “When the trust factor in a marriage begins to give way, then it’s almost impossible to move into a deeper realm.” Be honest.

3. Share Interests. “Whenever you see that something is important to your spouse, to the degree that it is possible, let it become important to you as well,” Warren says. Study what your spouse enjoys and values, and make efforts to share in those activities.

4. Participate in positive interactions with other Christians. Couples create unrealistic and unbiblical demands when they expect each other to fulfill all their spiritual and emotional needs. The Bible calls for a community of believers to nurture one another.

5. Be spiritually responsible. What if you’re married to someone who isn’t as spiritually strong as you are? Romans 15:1 teaches, “We who are strong have an obligation to bear the weakness of those without strength, and not to please ourselves” — even in marriage.

6. Pay attention to your overall health. Rather than expecting your spouse to “complete” you, focus on your own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

Mental: Movies, TV shows, and books often portray unrealistic expectations of marriage and nonchalant attitudes toward divorce. Listening to repeated references to adultery and catty criticisms of marriage can become so commonplace that they start to seem acceptable. Even derogatory conversations with friends about spouses can stir up discontent. To filter harmful thoughts, consider whether the conversation, article, book, show, or movie promotes values contrary to what’s found in Scripture.

Physical: Exercise and proper nutrition can impact health and reduce stress, which makes the home a calmer, more level base.

Emotional: “No marriage can ever be stronger than the emotional health of the least healthy party in the marriage,” Warren says. If a partner has a problem with depression, addiction, or some other troubling issue, work on that first.

Spiritual: Bell adds that we can have only one true soul mate — God. “A human cannot fill my ‘love tank’ when it runs dry, but God can. It is out of that filled tank that I can then love my spouse.”

Joy Dunlap is a freelance writer living in Hampton, Va. As an Air Force spouse, she and her mate, Charlie, have grown together in intimacy as they’ve moved together to nine different cities.

“We’ve basically adopted a secular model that this person is to fulfill us,” Thomas says. “We’ve almost created an idol out of another person, asking of them something God never designed them to give.”

Plus, notes Betty Tyndall, marriage therapist and co-founder of Great Mates Ministries, couples who choose divorce when their marriage turns unhappy soon learn that the issues they don’t work through in one marriage will inevitably follow them into the next.

“Any skills you do not develop with your current spouse will be waiting at the door of your next marital adventure,” Tyndall says, “still undeveloped, still in need of your realization and efforts. You may as well face them within the relationship you’ve already put your heart, time, and energy into.”

Princess;

Saying that someone completes you is probably the antiwhatever of what love really is.

5. Be spiritually responsible. What if you’re married to someone who isn’t as spiritually strong as you are? Romans 15:1 teaches, “We who are strong have an obligation to bear the weakness of those without strength, and not to please ourselves” — even in marriage

A Matter of Choice
“I’m just not happy and God wouldn’t want me to live like this,”