My spouse has left our home and has an affair with a married woman at his workplace (started in October 2006). I have talked to her husband and he has known about the affair from the start but his wife has lied to him and told him that she was working on their marriage and avoiding my spouse. She has been talking about divorce but I don't think she will go through with that, they have two small children.

I have been in plan A for 2 months now, before that everything was just a big mess and I did not know what to do. My problem at the moment is that I am getting more and more angry with my spouse and I almost hate the OW even though I have never met her.

My spouse left me while we had a big crisis and we were both depressed. As I see it, he ran away from our problems and from a situation he could not handle, grabbing the first opportunity he got. I understand now that things I did and said led to this situation and I can understand that he wanted to run away and I am not angry at him for that anymore.

But I am angry with him for other reasons! I am angry because he is still seeing the OW. I don't understand why he wants her, she is lying and cheating and frankly speaking she behaves like a slut. I am also angry because he is chasing after a married woman, it is just so wrong! Besides that I almost hate the OW, I think she just enjoys the excitement and does not care that the affair messes up the lives of so many people.

I see my spouse quite often and I enjoy those times. I still feel a lot of love for him if I don't think about the affair. But when I think about the affair I get so mad. Do you recognise this?

Have you exposed the affair? Friends, family, church, workplace, OW's family, etc....

You have to break up the affair and establish NC (no contact) between your WH and OW for your marriage to begin to have a chance at recovery.

hopeandpray: I understand that there must be NC between them but the only way I think this will happen is if either of them decides they don't want to continue the affair. If he decides that he wants to see me he will break off with her so that is what I am aiming at with my plan A.

I have told our friends and family what is going on but most of them think that my spouse is an adult and makes his own decisions. A few of our friends have talked to him and tried to make him understand how stupidly he is acting but I don't know if it did any good, I suspect that it only made him more determined to continue (he can be really stubborn and does not like to be persuaded into doing something).

I have not exposed at their workplace but I am thinking about it. I don't know if OW's parents and other relatives know about the affair but I really think that her husband should tell them about it, not I.

I think you are doing the right thing to Plan A right now. Let all the love busting and drama come from and be directed between them.

You are the calm in his stormy sea, the lighthouse as Ark puts it.

Are you securing your finances?

Thank you weaver, I am trying to be calm. I don't understand how they will love bust each other, at the moment they are in the middle of a rosy fantasy world and I don't know what it takes to bring reality into it.

There is no problem with finances. We have a rented apartment which I am staying in and he is not making any demand for it. We both have full time jobs and the salary goes into separate accounts.

I wrote that I have not exposed at their workplace but I forgot that I called their HR department. The company does not have a policy against affairs but the HR clerk said that he would try to split them up during a coming re-organisation.

Wow, good.

Is the OW still living with her H?

I hope that the company will split them up but he said that their first priority is work and not relations. But since they don't work in the same area there is no reason that they should sit close to each other. I think that the managers in the workplace know the OW, her husband and her children and don't want the family to split up.

The OW still lives with her husband and she has not filed for divorce as far as I know. She has been seeing my spouse on Wednesday evenings (apparently she had told her husband that she was singing in a quire then). Now that he knows what she has been doing on Wednesdays I don't know if they meet then but I still try to make my spouse go out and do something else on Wednesdays.

I am really disgusted by this dirty, deceitful affair!

Will, your best bet is to do your best to bust up this affair by exposing it. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins them. It forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look when forced to explain the affair to others. It is the most potent weapon you possess. We have had affairs end the very day they were exposed. That is the best case scenario and is not likely to happen immediately, but it will surely hasten its death.

If I were you, I would make up a list of key exposure targets and call them all on the same day. Doing it in one fell swoop gives the maximum impact and makes it harder for the affairees to recover. Make up a list of key targets starting with:

1. Director of Human Resources at their job, ccing their bosses

2. Your WS's parents and siblings

3. Your parents

4. the OW's parents

5. Your children should be told the truth if they are old enough to understand

Exposure is a step you cannot afford to skip if you want to save your marriage, Will.

Secondly, do you know what has attracted him to the OW? What was going on in your marriage that made him vulnerable to an affair? Are you changing those things to the best of your ability?

Do you have Surviving an Affair? Have you read as much as you can about Marriage builders? Much of what we tell you will be counterintuitive, so it is important that you read up so it makes sense.

suggestion: you both show up at his apartment on Wednesday and knock on the door. Everything must be brought out into the open.

Have you told the OWH about this site?

MelodyLane: Thank you, I have told most people around us what is going on. If I go through your list:
1. Director of Human Resources at their job, ccing their bosses
-I have called their HR department, they don't have a policy to apply but the clerk said he will see if they can split up “the couple” since they will soon do a re-organisation.
I have not exposed to their colleagues, that is what I am hesitating to do. I am just afraid that it would make them show their “love” openly and not care what anyone thinks.

2. Your WS's parents and siblings
-I have talked to his mother (who has talked to his father) and his (only) brother. They don't want to tell him what to do since they think he is an adult and makes his own decisions.

3. Your parents
-I have told them.

4. The OW's parents
-Should I do that? Wouldn't it be better if the OWH could tell her family?

5. Your children should be told the truth if they are old enough to understand
-We don't have children. The OW has two children 1 and 3 years old and I think they are too young.

I have told the OWH about this site and I hope that he has looked it up. I don’t want to intrude in their marriage and I have not asked him to expose to their relatives.

I don't think they see each other on Wednesdays anymore. Actually I don't know if they meet outside work at all, I know what he has done in his spare time the last weeks and he has not had time to see her. That does not mean that the affair is over since they still meet at work but at least they don't go out of their way to meet like they did during the autumn. Maybe it was an infatuation which is fading now?

I don’t want to ask him about the affair right now, I am in plan A and talking about the affair makes us both upset. If he wants to work on our relationship we must talk about the affair then. I have considered spying on him but I don’t know if it would lead to anything good. One good thing is that I know that he has not had time to see her since he has been “dating” me a lot...

The affair started when we had a crisis and the OW sent him a kind of love letter, she was bored by her marriage. I think she gave him attention and showed a lot of interest in him and that made him feel good. I know that I was not a nice person during our crisis and I am working on myself to be happy, social and the person I want to be. Even if it does not save our relationship I think it is good for me. I also try to be attractive and look good and that makes me feel good too!

The objective is not for them to "tell your H what to do", but to discuss with him what he's doing, and hopefully that may help him see the damage that he's causing.

I suspect that they used that argument because they don't want to put themselves in the uncomfortable situation of having to talk to your H about what's happening in his personal life, that's all.

ManInMotion: You are probably right; his parents don't want to discuss it with him at all. But I don't know if I can do anything about it.

His brother made me very disappointed, for instance he said something like "I don't know what their relationship (my spouse and OW) will lead to; maybe they will be happy together". I was thinking afterwards that he is immature (he is younger) and maybe he does not understand what a divorce means, especially when there are children involved.

The OW H can be your best ally on this. Keep comunicating with him as frequently as possible. Confront information. Tell him about exposure.

I dont know how good or bad it is to talk about the A... but you have to develop comunication, honesty, intimacy, and talk openly about each other's feelings and future... is that possible without going thru the A talk?

I know that we have been one year in limbo land because my H would not want to discuss A, He didn't want to face his guilt, I couln't move on... it just made it so much worse that right now I am unsure if it isnt too late.

Did your WH promise NC? Did you ask for it? How transparent is he being? What's his position? What is he telling you? He wants to recover M?

Dont give up on spying. You can't trust him and you need to know what is going on.


The anger stage.. or anger stages are quite normal. Dont let them take you down too much.

Sorry I cant help much, I am not an expert.

Wish you the best.

mysilentenemy: Thank you for your thoughts.

My spouse has chosen to leave me to continue the affair. He says that he is infatuated with her and wants to see her so he gives up our relationship. He has definitely not promised NC, rather the other way around.

I think it is just an infatuation and that the reason it started was that we had a bad time in our relationship (lasted for 6 months or so). When (if) the affair ends I will speak to him about it.

If I would ask him if he sees her, how often and when I think he would tell me the truth but I don't want to do that. I have a feeling that the more focus I put on the affair the more he wants to see her.

But I would really like to know what is going on! It might very well be that the OW has initiated NC and is recovering her marriage. In that case it would be wrong to call her husband since he should not have any contact with us, right? I have called him a few times and the last time was just to ask him what is happening. It does not feel right to call him again and again and ask him about their marriage, it is their private life and I hope they can solve it together.

Since today is Wednesday I am thinking about spying outside my spouse's house today to see if she comes there. If she does I will call her husband and ask him what their status is.

your situation sounds like mine. my DH is having an affair with married OW with 4 kids. she left her husband because he dont show he enough attention. maybe it was because he worked 70 hours a week so she didnt have to. but enough about me. i think you should call her husband. your husband and her will tell so many lies that they will get caught. in my case my DH was telling me one thing and telling OW another though we are separted he still acts like he wants us both. i wish i would have found this site earlier when the affair first started i would not be struggling day to day like am.
first thing take care of yourself. i started seeing a therapist and it really helped me out alot. second yes i would still be spying on him and what he is doing not like camped out in front of his house 24/7 but enough to know what is going on. has he mention anything about divorced?
you might be surprised to found out the man that you have been married to has become such a wimp when it comes to the OW. that he cant think straight that ow does the thinking for him.
your husband will come someone you dont know. so be prepared!!! make sure you are going to be okay.


Just remember if God leads you to it...
God will lead you thru it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

bsj220: Thank you for your advice about taking care of myself. I also think that is most important in a mess like this.

He has told me that he does not want to continue our relationship since he wants to see the OW, he is honest about that. If he comes back and wants to recover our relationship I will look out for lies.

Just like your husband, he still wants to see me but he won't kiss me. When I tell him that I love him he says that he is very fond of me. He treats me like he would treat his best friend but he won’t treat me like his lover.

I am not in the same time zone as most of you and right now it is 8 pm here. I have been spying outside his house, starting at 5 pm. One convenient Swedish custom (when spying) is that we don't draw the blinds when we are at home; most often it is possible to look into people’s homes without any problem. I watched him cook dinner, have dinner (sitting alone at the table), clean away after dinner, go on with something in the kitchen which looked like baking a cake and finally do the dishes. The only remotely suspicious about it all was that he received and sent TMs two or three times. At 7.15 pm he started walking around in the apartment, turned out the lights and a few minutes later he came out, wearing trainers and sport clothes and was apparently going for a run. Doesn't sound like date night for him, does it?

I was actually a bit disappointed. All the time I was watching out for cars coming into the parking lot and was prepared to see the OW walk up to the house. From what I know they have not met outside work for the last 2-3 weeks. I have not asked him but I have collected information. I don't know if the reason is that the OW has initiated NC or that they are not so eager to see each other anymore.

I got a suggestion in this thread that I and the OWH should knock on my mans door on a Wednesday evening and see if he is with the OW. But as I wrote I was spying outside his house last Wednesday and he was alone all night.

However, I suspect that he will see her today. I know that they have not met privately for 3-4 weeks and they will not meet again for the next few weeks since he is going away. When we were talking about this weekend he said that we can not meet today. First he told me that he is having guests today (he did not say who) and later he told me that he is busy baking a cake today (all day???).

I have been thinking hard about calling the OWH and ask if his wife will go out today but I asked a friend and she advised me not to. She said that
1. She thinks it will just make my man mad and make reconciliation between us hard
2. I can not be sure that he is going to see the OW and if they are not seeing each other and she is recovering her marriage it will just make her husband worried.
3. If she is seeing my man the story may be that her husband knows about it but thinks that it will blow over eventually. In that case he will just get embarrassed.

So I have not called the OWH. You BS's out there, what do you think about this?

To make the story more clear, my man has told me that he wants to see the OW and has left me. The OW initially lied to her husband and said that she was not seeing my man, later she admitted they had been seeing each other and said she wanted a divorce, later she changed her mind and wanted her marriage back. I don't know at all what has happened between them the last weeks.

I made another post to get a quick reply
www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showf...&an=0&page=0#Post3205234