I know you already may have gotten your answer JJ, let me relate something in my story to something you had said. You said in your first post



My XW was doing that exact same thing, almost to the letter. It wasn't until I did some of the spying 101 things, I found out why... She was texting her lover, boyfriend, whatever on her cell phone. I learned her password on her online cell account, and checked the text logging, and found out that the whole time she was up, just wasn't tired, she was texting him, and him her for hours.

Another thing, secrets are secrets for a reason. Would she be so honest with you, to tell you after you get home one day about the great bout of sex she had with the neighbor, or pool boy... My XW had secrets, a lot of them. The harder I looked, the more I found. I was just too blind to put all the pieces together until it was too late.

For what it's worth, I divorced her, it was final on Monday, and my life has gotten a lot better because of it. There are a lot of people here, who can help you either work on your M, or give you enough clarity to do what you feel you must. I would tell you that after learning my XW couldn't keep her clothes on around other man, I no longer had a wife, or a marriage, just an illusion that everyone in our lives knew about her escapades seen through, except me. Good luck.

Thanks Kuky. It makes perfect sense. She has set up this elaborate system of credit card checking, e-mail snooping almost as a early-warning system to clue her in on anything I might do that remotely might influence her and her life style - maybe to preempt detection of an A by her? God only knows.

"whatever I would be able to bring in would be that much"!

Tell her that you are no longer going to be her sugar daddy, and if she doesn't bring in that much, she won't have that much to be living on.

Your marriage has gotten off on a bad start. It might be saveable, but she needs a wake up call right now.

If it was a long term marriage, I would give different advice, or if it was her first marriage. But number 4? No way.

That makes perfect sense, is totally rational and straightforward thinking.

Therefore, any conversation I try to have on this will be doomed; she will either rewrite history to say that she shouldn't work (i.e., specifically and only when she was pregnant and having symptoms of threatened miscarriage), that I should give up my current employment and seek a better compensating one (even if I am not happy in it), or other things, while she continues to purchase unnecessary clothing items for herself.

The overall issue is a profound disresepct of me - and if I but look at all the small things I see it for what it is: such as gaslighting me on a daily basis, insisting that what I said was NOT what I said, or that she did not remember conversations from the evening before, or that she take care of the finances because of the implicit and explicit statements that she can do it "better" (despite the fact that she was markedly in credit card debt when I met her and that I successfully manage and grow a small company). The disrespect when simple requests for clarification are met with "Do you think I'm stupid", or when I say I'm too tired from literally a 15 hour workday to be countered with "So you're saying I don'y do anything around here". It's like the person is either trying to find reasons to argue, or deal with her own guilt.

Can't you cancel the card?

Do you have children or are only trying? I would totally STOP trying to have kids. CONDOM for you definately. Do not depend on her BC.

We don't have our own children and definitely aren't trying now. She already manipulated me extensively before we were married by becoming pregnant, not using contraception when I expect her too, and then trying to blame it on a failure of contraception. I actually think she starts believing her own statements even though they NEVER ADD UP when you sit back and try to logically pull the pieces together...

An example, when we were dating before being married she claimed that she was being stalked at her house, that she was scared and it was necessary for her to stay somewhere else - I of course invited her to stay with me, except on the nights when my son was visiting with us. She told me on those nights she stayed with a male "friend" at his apartment, that he was gay, that she slept in another room, etc. etc. Always vague details, never indicating exactly where his place was....when I brought this issue up recently, she said she stayed at his "house" (i.e., not apartment), and questioned why I was "making such a big deal of it", that "probably you were seeing other women", etc. Then she writes me a big e-mail stating that she never even kissed anyone else since meeting me, etc. The details simply do not add up, are so unlikely and conflicting. Overall the effect is to make me question nearly everything I get told, because it will get revised subsequently...

OMG

No children, right?

Why do you want to stay in a relationship with that woman? Think what lies ahead for you. It sounds like you don't trust her at all and she has no intention of earning it. An M without trust is doomed to fail.

JJ,

As to your original question, I don't know if she is cheating or not.....but I THINK SHE IS A WHACK JOB!!!

""she will come in and manage to start an argument, the nuts and bolts of which are that: 1). she is in a lousy marriage and it is all my fault; ""

It's like she is taking sadistic pleasure in mentally abusing you. She is forcing you to Divorce her and then she gets..what..50%????

Could she be that cold and calculating??? Even starting from the aledged pregnancy?

There is a reason she has been married 4 times, I think.

It would be interestig to compare notes with the other poor chaps.

IMHO

Thanks for the comments. Today I stopped by unexpectedly at the house because I accidentally left my cell phone there in the AM. She was NOT happy to see me, then started questioning me after she overdrew our joint checking account. I calmly told her that I had written no checks, etc., whereup I was accused in rising vocal tones of "yelling" at her.

I was happy to leave to go back to work, but during the drive back she called me twice and paged me twice (I had left the pager and cell phone in my carrybag in the trunk). I called her as soon as I got to work, only to be sternly lectured about how she could not reach me, etc. having a major budget meeting in 15 minutes and trying to recover my cool, she called my office 2 more times insisting on speaking with me and paged me 2 more times, all to let me know how I was not reliable in calling her back and that she "had no idea" why. I found 1 more message on my cell phone in an angry tone about how she had to fix the bank problem (that she created).

Sounds to me like she might have a mental illness? How was her childhood?

I think it is borderline personality disorder. Her childhood appears to have been abusive, emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Oh, could be. That is a hard one to deal with. I'm no expert, but from the things I've read, it is a hard one.

Are you feeling like trying to save the marriage?

I swing widely between wanting to get out of there and the abuse to stop, vs. hoping that it will get better. But I'm pessimistic because I'm disrespected and its taking a big toll on me. I guess she would claim that all problems are my fault, and if only I would earn more $$ everything would be OK.

Whenever a partner says "if only" ie: you got out of the military, we buy a new home, we have a baby, we move, blah, blah, blah, it is a warning sign to me. Because a partner needs to love and respect you as things are in the present. I've seen lots of people make changes, and the marriage still didn't work out.

If she is not satisfied with what you earn, SHE needs to get a job. It is somewhat unusual in our society for a woman to stay at home if there are no children.

If only... you know, after you have kids, imagine the problems you have now, they will get much worse after you do have kids.

Something to think about. You may be better off cutting and running. No kids really would be easier than waiting a few years, and having to tell a 5 year old why mommy and daddy aren't going to live together anymore.

My 2 cents worth.

No, we are not going to have children, at all. We both now feel that we are a bit old and that her grown children and mine are enough.