Hey all-Have a question...I do not have proof that WH is stil involved w/ OW..he denies any OW when I have asked him..so I am wondering if I should even address that in my PBL? Since I do not know for sure, should I bring it up? Or should I just stick w/ the fact that he does not want to come home, work on the M, blah blah blah....just not sure what should go in this letter. I have read a lot of sample PBLs, but I am trying to coincide them w/ my sitch...HELP!

Hoping,

Not really sure... maybe you could just address not having any third person in your M.

Hopefully the Plan B letter gurus will jump in real soon.

Still

Thank you Still...I have read your sitch...Lord, I wish I had your strength...My WH maybe coming home for R and R and wanted to know if I was going to "be here". I have already packed his things and stuck them in a corner in the basement ready for him to move them out. This is so painful.

Does anyone have any advice on a good PBL for my particular sitch? WH wants a LSA b/c he feels "pressured" to come home and be a H..do not have proof that he is involved w/ OW...basically he is a major commitmentphobic stemming from traumatic events from birth to 22 months old.

Don't make excuses for him. He is a WS whether he has had traumatic issues from birth to whenever or not.

The question is if you are ready for plan B. Is your mind and heart in sync?

L.

Hoping,

It's good to think some one thinks I have strength because I really do not feel strong at all. Hopefully that is what my WH is seeing.

Actually I feel very weak alot of the times. When I read of others here I get strength and many bolster me here when I really feeling down. My friends and family also have been wonderful. But you know what I still hurt so bad... I want to talk to my H.... haven't spoken a word to him in 3 days. I caught a glimpse of him last night at a hockey game... I know he saw me also. I guess I'm slowly entering plan B. Not sure if that's the way to do it..... but how do you plan A when they are not around?

Sorry for the TJ....

Still

Still, I understand...I feel like I did not get to Plan A my WH very well b/c he is overseas. And now this-its very frustrating.

Hoping,

Do you have a rough draft of a PBL letter done? If you do then post it and get some helpful hints.

The thing about mentioning another person in the marriage.. he's had an affair before if I remeber correctly you could write how there is no room in a marriage for a third preson.... or something along those lines.

Still

Still, I am putting all of my thoughts together for my PBL...I am going to wait until the LSA is signed before I send it to him. We just had a fight, I got mad, and threatened him. I feel like my emotions are getting out of control. I am so angry at him right now. I just wish I was not financially dependant on him. I hate that!

Hoping:
If your emotions are starting to take control then it is time for Plan B. You can only Plan A for so long...there is supposed to be a time limit. (In my case, I didn't have a time limit...tried to do it as long as I could but boy oh boy I knew when it was time)

I used eav's sample PBL (it's in my thread somewhere...??) as a skelaton and went from there. I ended up very different...I think everyone's will be very different. It should be your voice, it should be authentically you.

However, there are key elements that must be included...no contact, terms of reconciliation, your willingness to meet his needs, you taking responsbility for difficulties in your M, intermediary info. It should also be a love letter.

So there's LOTS to pack in! You can check out mine on my Plan B thread. Once I posted it I got tons of feedback (something like 8 pages worth) and came up with one I feel great about.

You are in my prayers.

LilSis

I need to ask a question. In relation to Orchid's question about my mind and heart in sync....If it is evident that I am much more at peace when I have not spoken to him in a few days and that when I do talk to him that I get upset, cry, angry, and more hurt any indication that my heart and mind are at sync?

That's an indication that your heart and mind are still NOT in sync. If it were, the times contact resumed c/b easier handled and hurt less because you haven't raised your expectations of him doing something good via the contact.

L.

Ok, what I think I hear you saying is that if my mind and heart were in sync, then I would be ok and not have any emotions when I talk/contact him? I just want to make sure I understood what you were saying.
I do need to say that when I don't talk to him for awhile, I feel stronger, more confident, more at peace, happier, less stressed, less anxious, etc. I am not sure why that is..can anyone shed some light on that? Any input would be great.

Yep.

When interaction is reduced.....no direct pain is felt.

If you are ready to go in plan B after a while the interaction will hurt less because your expectation is lowered. You don't expect the WS to be good when communicating with you. You will expect him t/b his grouchy WS self and be prepared to respond accordingly.

L.

Ok, thanks Orchid.

hi hoping..not up to date on your sitch, but I am plan B about 3-4 weeks...got a rough start but I am getting the hang of it...

best I can explain my feelings of going from plan A to B is this: at the end of plan A, it got to the point where I was anxious all the time (whether WS was around or not). I was reeling out of control, as my WS was really flaunting A in front of me, my POV it was blatant, even to the point of texting in front of me...being on the phone in the den where WS was sleeping at all hours of the night. the stress just got to be too much.

then I waffled about taking the step to plan B so much that I was almost plan Bing every other day with a bit of DJ and AO's. pretty much was I just couldn't 'pretend' anymore. I needed to start to deal with the A and heal. thats when I tripped..stumbled..and fell into plan B. I was scared but I got there.

I have had some contact in plan B and it feels like what they talk about on the "Godfather" you know that line..."everytime I get out, they suck me back in" (is that it guys?) plan B is like leaving the mob, they try to get you back into the drama. so you have to be ready for it and prepare to combat it.

I am stronger now, anyway...mostly I feel control...over my life...my choices...my M on my terms (ie:NC) like you experienced...peace...quiet... no drama...less stress...less anxiety.

sometimes I get sucked in for a couple of days because of contact regarding the kids and the depression hits...but then I feel better again..and I have learned that I am capable of enjoying life with or without WS. and that is empowering. I kind of feel like I have the choice to define what I will tolerate in a R, and if WS doesn't meet those standards, well then I will chose NOT to be M to her. my choice, not hers.
plan B took my focus off of my WS and placed it right where it belongs...back on me...something I can control
I hope this helps, just my POV of what I am experiencing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks FB...that really helps.

Thanks Lilsis-

Ok, sep papers are being sent to WH

(((((hoping)))))

how are you doing????