Hello everyone,

I've spent quite a bit of time on the EN forum, but I thought it was time I popped in here for some advice and maybe a 2x4 if necessary.

Here's my quick re-cap. Separated since 11/06, and been working Plan A.

I had some large LB behavior, and really acted very poorly toward W, including a ONS in May '06, especially as we were breaking up. I was convinced that there was no hope, and moved out. I then found this website, and started working on myself. I had a lot of work to do.

W has been adamant that D is the only option for her. She wants NC with me other than to exchange the kids. She will not talk to me about anything other than the kids, and even that she's not very communicative.

I've been trying to do some nice things, shoveling the walkway at her house, offering to help with the kids whenever the opportunity presents itself, she's taking a 10 day trip and I'm watching the kids for her, and remodeling her bathroom while she's gone (it's needed it for years now).

So in doing these things, because I want to give to her, my 15yo DD is now getting angry with me because I'm doing these things she says "I'm not letting go!", and is pissed about it. She said W has been 100% that D is the only option.

I think W is in a EA with a professor at her school, and she graduates in May. So that R will be coming to an end soon.

So here's my thing, so do I continue to offer to help, and do nice things even if it's upsetting to W and DD? I want to offer to do these things, no matter what the outcome, but I also don't want to hurt my chances of R is there is any chance of that by not giving her the space she asked for.

Has anyone here been through a similar SIT? I've read a lot about R, and withdrawn spouses, but haven't read about anyone pulling it back together from a seperation.

So here's my question, what does it mean to 'let go'? Does that mean I stop doing the things I want to do? Does it mean I just forget about her for a while and move on with my life?

We are not legally separated yet, but a LSA is in the works, and will probably be signed later this month.

Anytime I've communicated to W that I don't want the LSA, she's responded with anger saying that she does, and please stop asking her to hurt me by forcing her to revisit her decision. She asked me to just get comfortable with ending our M. Which I am not yet.

W believes that the 'grass is greener'. She told me that "it has to be" and while that may have been true before, but I know that's not the case now, with all the work I've done personally.

Your feedback is welcome, especially those that has brought a withdrawn spouse back to you...

Thanks in advance,

- TTM

TTM,

I have only been on this forum for about a month, and I am not the expert that some of the others are, but I do know enough to tell you that you need several 6x6's right across the temple. You are one giant doormat right now. That will never work. Your WW is getting everything she wants. You are waiting on her hand and foot. You are allowing the affair. If you think it is going to end naturally then get ready for the Big D and a few years of he77. If you are not familiar with Plan A then you need to start studying. There are some excellent posts on here concerning that and the first place you need to go is to "Just Found Out" and read the one's at the top. WAT's quick start guide for one. You can look at my thread and see the smack down I got when I first posted. It looked a lot like yours. You really have to study all of the Harley's principles and follow them all. If you pick and choose then you will be in a world of hurt.

I don't want to sound mean or upset with you. I just know what it takes now and you need to wake up. Your WW has to own her choices and she isn't. She is steamrolling you and you're taking it. Don't. If your DD is losing respect for you then that should be the biggest Red Flag you've ever seen. Nobody notices the doormat, but everybody see's the lighthouse. You have to become a lighthouse and shine. It's hard and it will make WW hate you even more at first, but it will be noticed and seeds will be planted for the future. I am experiencing that at this very moment. My actions and the changes I have made to myself are starting to penetrate my WW. Our relationship is improving after months of torture and WW dialogue.

First thing you need to do is order SAA from Dr Harley. Then you need to study this forum as much as possible. Your sitch is not as different as you think. For the most part all WS's are the same. There is a pyschological process that is going on in your WW's head and it needs to be dealt with now. You have to dig for info on this forum, but some of these posts will change your life and give you greater understanding of what's going on.

That's enough for now. I'll let that sink in and allow others to comment.

Good Luck

TTM,

First, a perspective guide: " I was convinced that there was no hope, and moved out."

The truth is that you convinced yourself there was no hope and acted on that choice.

Knowing this as a choice is powerful...not a condemnation.

Next, "letting go" is letting the outcome go, not a person.

Your DD's anger is hers...her perspective is hers...her perception. Help her to see this is her choice, not The Truth...to believe we cure, cause or control others. That you're letting go the outcome, not your family.

Your choice.

Both are valid...remind yourself who owns what.

When you get what this letting go is really about, you'll know what to do...choose from your code, not possible response.

Authenticates your acts of love as your own.

Helps to clear the blurry perception that these lines are overlapped...they aren't.

This is where you can really retrain your brain into respecting your wife can believe differently right now than you do, on this really important issue...and check that you're choosing your beliefs, not hers.

And you can validate and hear what your DD is feeling, thinking, believing, perceiving...not to cure, change or smooth...and thank her, as you have done, for sharing her stuff. Respecting her stuff.

God's bringing you all of this for practice...awareness, not control.

You are very loved.

LA