Welcome, FN1, to MarriageBuilders.
You've found a great site to save your marriage.
First, please know that you your changes are never too late...they are changes you made for yourself, because you really do value your marriage and family. Those changes last...they are beneficial and freeing for YOU.
You have them on matter the outcome.
Next, you owned where you were, if you would consider this analogy, unfaithful to your marriage and family with Independent Behaviors...and you were facing the loss of what matters most to you...not the IB's, your family.
Same with your WW (wayward wife)...she's in an A right now...one of resentment, entitlement and lack of respect. Please know this, be aware and conscious of it. It parallels a lot of your state of mind prior to November.
Yes, it's normal to get the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech from your WW when she's in the fog of an A. Please don't discount her ONS...she allowed into her life a member of the opposite sex to be intimate with...to share with, make a friend, while she made you her enemy.
Know that's the real issue here...her choices, which you don't control. Know it isn't about you...humans create and build resentment...no one makes them feel it. It's a poison we take ourselves and wait for the other person to die. It's a sick perspective we choose. We can not choose that one, when we're clear of the effects of the fog.
You can save your marriage...only takes one person. Takes two to divorce. You can set your goal (and I believe you have) to want to recover and have a thriving, fulfilling marriage.
Choose hope in this regard, not based on her response...just on your choice to act from your love.
Please move your thread to Infidelity: General Questions II forum...it gets the most traffic and really important to what you're dealing with right now.
Also, weekends are slower...please don't choose to take the perception you aren't important or worth helping. You are.
Next, read up on Plan A and Plan B here on this website. Get "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley...I think you'll feel great relief, reassurance and learn a lot from reading you're not alone, crazy or wrong.
Part of Plan A is exposure...expose her affair to everyone important to your lives...your family, her family, the other man's (OM's) family...get it out into the open...secrecy feeds an affair...if you want to live in truth and thrive, then share truth.
Not retaliation...asks for others' help in saving your marriage, and it is an act of honesty you take for yourself, your marriage and your family.
Please know a lot of the phrases she's saying have been said countless times by millions of WS's...you'll find them on this thread...it's uncanny how much it's like a script. Choose to take comfort in knowing she's saying stuff we've all heard, verbatim. Not real. It's fantasy. Up to you to do an authentic Plan A, which means you stay in reality...research to know and understand...and bring reality.
Don't fall for her fantasy, 'k?
You did NOT make her have an affair...know this inside yourself, truly. You aren't that powerful. You are a limited human being. She's choosing (and no, you can't make her see her choices, either) to do this. You aren't making her.
Nor did she make you do, think, feel, believe or perceive anything.
Your fear and pain are totally reasonable...acting from them is not.
Also, when you cut and paste your post to the GQII forum, make paragraphs. Helps us older posters to see and respond more easily and we appreciate your efforts.
Did you adopt your oldest DD (dear daughter)? (Btw, you can find all the acronyms we use on the Just Found Out forum at the top of it)? If you have to go to Plan B, can you get custody of her?
Every moment you are new, FN1...you have to choose to see yourself changed, act from knowing you're changed, and let go if someone else does or doesn't see it. Takes time, commitment, and YOU knowing you are not who you were.
And you aren't.
I believe in you. I KNOW you can do this because I did it. You're my equal and wholly capable. Believe in yourself first, center yourself in your pure intent and know that recovering your marriage is as reasonable as any other alternative...and that's it's the only redemptive one available.
Read, learn and know...read all the Basic Concepts, the "Coping with Infidelity"...read to know, not to judge yourself, bash or punish anyone...read to know and understand...which is what saves your marriage.
And you grow from it...knowing you are doing everything you can, so that no matter what happens, you take that with you.
LA
