I have been married to the same woman for 23 years. I don;t think she ever liked me. She did not date anyone prior to me.We have 4 children. Now to the problem

My wife has never been sexual. Believe it or not after 23 years of marriage she still will not undress in front of me. She is a master of putting on her nightgown and removing her top and bra without me seeing. This really makes me feel weird.

Not once has she brought up the subject of sex. We have sexual realtions about 3 times a year and it has been like that for a long long time. I just don;t know how to get her to understand that she is humiliating and hurting me. I feel like some sort of disgusting slob or something. The lack of intimacy in my life had led me to having no self esteem.

I make a good living and provide the family well. She wants money problems. She resents the fact that we have no money worries and that I seem to always have money. I own the company and she is on all the paperwork as well as on the bank accounts. She could pretty much have what ever she wants. We don't fall into the category of the couple with money problems. I am beginning to feel bad that I make a good living. Is that weird or what.

I am always there to help. I assist in picking up and dropping the kids when ever needed. I go to all their events even if they are during the work day. I am always available. Is this bad?

I am attracted to her and I wish I weren't. I keep thinking that would solve all our problems. If I could just convience myself that she was disgusting it would all be ok. Sometimes I don't know why. She wears old lady underwear (not that I have seen it on her but when I fold the laundry I notice. I guess that really does not matter. She is really a good looking woman.

Something that really hurt is I bought her a very expensive package at a day spa. She made so many negative comments about it and the ceritficate has been in a cabinet for 2 years now. I really failed on that one. I don't know how to talk to her. For example I have bashfully admitted to her that I like women wearing pantyhose. She wears old socks with holes in them. She has made my likes abnormal. Is that weird? I jsut don't know what to think any longer.

I have played musical instruments for years. I gave it up while the kids were small so I could be home to help. I recently decided to get my band back together and bought a new keyboard. She was really mad that I bought this and did not discuss it with her. I sold my other two and bought the one. I honestly did not think it was an issue that warranted discussion. It is not like it took food off the table. She now resents me getting together with the band once a week so I just put the keyboard up for sale.

I am treated like a 13 year old on a good day a 5 year old on most days. If I express any feelings I am having a discussion does not open up. It goes down the path of "what about me". I am always wrong. It could be June in Florida and I would make a comment like the sun is shinning and she would find a way to argue it.
Sometimes I fell suicidal. I don;t have the courage to leave because she would cry and it would have an effect on the kids. How long do I stay?

I feel ugly, stupid and am now having erectial problems. Never did I have this problem but now shower time is not even fun. I have ask her if I am too small-if I smell bad-what????She just says it is her. I have suggested we get help but she refuses and I am not sure where to go myself. She is in complete control of me and my life and I hate it.

Sorry to ramble so much but I am in so much pain I could go on for pages and pages.

I am desperate. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions please let me know. Please be constructive. I posted something similar to this on another forum and was slammed with responses that I was not much of a man, a wimp, had a little penis etc...That response really helped. I was close to a self hanging in my warehouse. I have planned all the details on how to do it. I am scared.

H&S.... I havent been here very long myself but want you to know that i have read your post and have maybe one or two suggestions....

First.... Stop talking about suicide.... this is not good! you have children and I am sure they would miss you very much!!! The fact that you got some horrible responses here is sad... i have been given some blunt advice, but everything has been helpful and much appreciated... i hope that your experiance here improves

second.... again let me say... im not an expert, but my husband and I benifited a great deal from reading His Needs Her Needs (HNHN)... we both had our own copy and read one chapter a week and then discussed the chapter with each other... we were able to communicate and listen to each other perspectives... this book also has a quiz to figure out what both of your Emotional Needs (EN) are.... by figuring those out... you can start to focus of filling her lovebank up the way that she needs it not the way you think she needs it.....

remember the only person you can change is you.... your way of thinking, your way of acting....

Good luck!
LITW

Hi,

I have one issue the same with my husband. He will not undress in front of me and sex is with the shades down and the lights off. Funny thing is that I used to be like that, had to have darkness to have sex, couldn't undress in front of my partners. I was insecure and felt ugly. Just by her choice of attire also speaks of insecurity and low self-esteem. How was her childhood I wonder, that could be where this comes from. I has taken me a long time to be able to feel secure about myself, still trying! But constant compliments should help her especially in bed! I don't know your whole situation on this one, so I am going on just what helped me. I was also molested as a child and that has put a damper on my sex life in the past, I wasn't interested in it. Digging deep into her past without being to intrusive might help, try to help her figure out why she feels insecure and not sexually responsive and build her self-esteem up.

It sounds like you really love her and want to fix things, good luck and I hope things work out.