Ok, this is a bold post for me......

Went to the doctor for test results. Most were good. Rest were within the tolerable range, nothing alarming until the doctor asked about depression....WHAT? Then the tears. Uncontrollable tears. Not a river .....but enough.

Why? The doctor just asked a question. Why? Not sure. Am I depressed? I thought not. But am I? Not sure. Should I be? Probably.....for what we individually deal with we should all be depressed.

We discussed some events happening and yes I included MB. I am proud of the support I received and able to lend here. I told the doctor (didn't mention MB by name) that our group is international and even I have had the opportunity to help others 1/2 way around the world. That didn't make me depressed it made me happy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now my current work sitch? That made me depressed. Hm..... something to really think about. Bills pull hard in staying this job but my health is pulling the other way. There are additional tests I need to do take even though the ones I just took look good. ;(

As I sat in the examination room, I reflected a bit. Yes, I need to make major changes in my life. Being a giver is ingrained in me and I need to work with it and make smarter decisions as to how I move forward.

Our lives are not forever (yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). We need to individually make smarter choices and make our lives have value.

Ok, I came home with tears, streaming down my face. Able to wipe it away and walk in the house. H was in the middle of selling his truck, so he didn't notice. Son came in and wanted to discuss a show which found codes which supposedly predicted future events. He wanted to talk....we did....phone call from my aunt about an errand to run....more interruptions and so my life goes. My time? When is that....what is that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Will I ever find it? It might be buried in those papers strewn (sp???) in the office or on the counter. Hm...... How I long for order in my life. I know where to get it but wonder who or what I have to eliminate along the way to find it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Nothing violent but it could disappoint some. I need t/b ok with that.

Awhh... ok so my venting is helping me balance out. My tears are drying up and I can get on with the rest of today's chores.

I thought I had to come here and ask for a quick PEP talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I am sure I still need one but not as much as an emergency as it was 2 hours ago.

Posting helps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks to all who venture to ready this 'short' post of mine.

L.

(((Orchid))), you have always been so helpful to me, I wish I was as smart as you and knew what to say to you. I hope you have a peaceful weekend. ((Orchid))

((((Hugs))))

It took a miscarriage for me to reconsider my health and job relationship... the change in employers was wonderful after I got through the learning curve.

You're good at trusting things to God - let Him lead you to a new place that lets you protect your health and your precious heart! You are loved and needed!

Orchid,

I haven't posted in weeks b/c my daily visits to MB although helpful in some respects had adverse effects in other ways...it made me constantly face reality, which with everythng going on in my life at this point is just too overwhelming...I need small doses to survive...I too was battling with depression.

You are a giver but you have to allow your taker some time as well. Lots of us have issues with boundaries which is frequently how we experience the situations we find ourselves in. I feel strange saying this to you but...I think you are on the right track in prioritizing what is necessary for you and your family's happiness and then setting and maintaining some boundaries on all the extracuricculars.

I wish I could be nearby to share your tears and give hugz since I feel like you kept me afloat during the initial phases of my post-D-Day life and built me up reinforcing in me what I already knew I had.

You are tough, but even tough people deserve time to be nurtured and cared for...all of this time you have been fighting A's and rebuilding and setting the example seems to have taken it's toll.

Let the tears flow, purge the pain, negativity, grief and ride the wave back to a healthy balance. Focus on you for a change. I know personally it is hard for me to focus on myself b/c I never want to give the perception that I am being selfish or self-absorbed...like the WS...I'm slowly getting over that and doing little by little more for me to keep me strong. You can't take care of anyone if you are not being taken care of...

Prayers, hugz and luv to ya Orchid...you are worthy!

I'm glad that you posted in your time of need, Orchid.

I agree with 2muchhrtbrk....
"You are a giver but you have to allow your taker some time as well. Lots of us have issues with boundaries which is frequently how we experience the situations we find ourselves in. I feel strange saying this to you but...I think you are on the right track in prioritizing what is necessary for you and your family's happiness and then setting and maintaining some boundaries on all the extracuricculars."

Boundaries. Funny that it's your thread, Orchid, and Kayla was the second to respond because it was both of you who helped me start understanding boundaries.

Boundaries are protective--protective of ourselves and of others. Boundaries enable us to do and be more, not less. Boundaries enable us to use our time and our talents in ways that are good for us and good for others instead of wasting precious time, energy, and focus on other things that we don't need--or want--in our lives. Boundaries are freeing, not restricting. Boundaries allow us to become our best selves, instead of slowly withering away.

Orchid, I believe that if you take some time to really notice the minutes, hours, and days of your life with a clear head and a calm heart that you will also recognize things that you might want to adjust. Clear mind and calm heart....words that were a gift from you and became a mantra for me in times of uncertainty and feeling overwhelmed.


I also agree with Kayla....
"You're good at trusting things to God - let Him lead you to a new place that lets you protect your health and your precious heart! You are loved and needed!"

Your words that were a gift to me--clear mind and calm heart--allowed me to start hearing God's guidance so that I could be led according to God's will and with God's love. I wish the same for you, Orchid.


With much love and many hugs to you,
Loving Boundaries

Orchid,

Tears are good for you. Let what has to flow - flow. It's much better than holding it in.

You'll feel better. Letting the tears flow may not give you the energy to get things done, but you'll have more peace of mind when you're done.

There is a level of acceptance of God's Will when you let the tears flow.

Thank you for being there for me, when I needed help.

Orchid,

You've helped and been there for so many people on this board. Me included.

Maybe God is now saying ok lady, we're going to go into a few more layers now, bring up a bit more junk, acknowledge a few more things - because you're at a place now where you CAN.

For what purpose? Not to bring more pain, or bring you down, or make you suffer.

But to heal deeper parts of you, so you can live life abundantly.

I'm so far from being an expert, but I know He promises -'this too shall pass'.

Big hugs to you.

Orchid - You have always helped so many people. Be sure that you are taking GOOD care of YOU too. You deserve the best. People that are always helping others need to take time to do nice things for themselves.

As for the job, if you don't love it, start looking for another one.

Wow - Jean, KaylaAndy, 2mchhrtbrk, Lovingboundaries, Observing, lucyloo, & believer,

Thank you very much for the hugz and the pep talks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Seems like my own words are being played back to me with perfect timing:

[color:"blue"] LB: I believe that if you take some time to really notice the minutes, hours, and days of your life with a clear head and a calm heart that you will also recognize things that you might want to adjust. Clear mind and calm heart....words that were a gift from you and became a mantra for me in times of uncertainty and feeling overwhelmed.
[/color]

I hear you all loud and clear. Had a talk with H before I went to work (to put in those hours I don't get paid for.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />). He agrees I need a change and is working with a plan to make it happen. When and how is unknown and I have to be patient. In the meantime I am going to complete my heart tests and go to the doctors to finish my check ups. Hitting 50 takes a toll on a young bod. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think I will be hitting it full throttle.....hope I can keep chugging along after that. Whew!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

One of the guys who also came into work today is about 57 and looks like 43. He looks really good for his age. Maybe the fact that he's still single? LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Nah.... maybe the rice? LOL!!! Not lots but more than bread. That's my theory but I eat lots of rice too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He just lost his mom to 2 different types of cancer. She was 84 and he said looked very young for her
age. Talking to him was an eye opener. It was good to see him talk so lovingly about his mom. It really touched my heart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anywhoz, I hear you all loud and clear. The answer is within my grasp. Just needed a kick in the right direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mahalo,
L.

Well Darn, Orchid, I just read your post.
I mean, darn!
NOthing constructive or helpful to say, just that I remember your voice on the phone from our MB get-together at Bob's, it was a soothing music.
And I wish I had a soothing music to return to you right now.

For beautiful Bellevue..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

U just did. Your melody and pitch was perfect.

I sing out of key (at times...but it's all in fun). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You have put a smile in my day today.

Mahalo,
L.

Orchid,

In my life....where I have taken the responsibility of caretaking for my family....I sometimes feel very alone. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and abandoned or just tired. I sometimes wonder....who will take care of me if I need something? Whose arms can I fall apart in? Whose world will I destabilize if I scream or gnash my teeth?

Well....we can't physically hold you....but you can find strength and comfort here. Sometimes, it's the only place I'm not afraid to cry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((((((((((((((((orchid)))))))))))))))))))

Thank you Starfish...... you are also one of my pillars of strength.

I wonder about who will take care of me too!!??!?! It scares me that I have one son who has a big heart but may find it hard to handle this old Orchid. LOL!!! He says (though he is only 12), he will take care of me but may put his dad in a care home first. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Then he said he was just kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I love my boy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugz back to you and your family.

Chere bebe! I have my angel too....my middle son. I named him Parrish which means "from the church yard" (and seemed like a good Lousiana name too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) He's the one who would try to care for me....but I'd have to send him out to live his own life....I wouldn't let him. I love my boy too!

I honestly don't know what would be worse....needing my husband to care for me....or having to take care of him! He's a crummy caretaker....and a worse patient! LOL I might have to stick around longer just so he can't date!!

Orchid.
Nothing profound to say.

Nothing that many others above haven't already said.

Simply living life in 2007 is depressing sometimes!!! Add to that a full plate with family and jobs and then throw in the emotions of MB and that's an overflowing plate.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your posts to me and many others have always been a blessing.

Orchid,

Giving brings us so much happiness yet because we give so much we forget to give to ourselves. It seems that our families and friends come to us and we happily give them from that fountain of strength that we have. Sometimes we would like someone to give to us what we give and to fill us up. I sometimes look at my family and am scared at what would happen if I were no longer here. I'm sure eventually they would be fine however most days they can't find the food. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

I then wonder if anyone will hold me up for awhile, just let me rest for awhile while I refuel. And for me the answer only comes in this verse

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.

I then rest in the Lord when I need to and gather strength from Him when I need to. I ask the Lord to hold me while I am crying and I feel His strength in those moments when no one else even notices the pain I am in, or takes the time to notice me, or take the time to even care. However I think it's more that they take the strength I tend to give them for granted and that it is limitless. I tend to not show them when I need them as on numerous occasions they have seemed to have little care. HOwever as you and Star*fish I have a little boy in my life who in some of my darkest moments has come to me and given me a hug or an I love you or come up with something at just the right time to give me so much love.

You also were one of the very first people to come to help me. Your calm heart, clear mind came to me at a time when I was in such confusion. With that I was able to hear the message to "Be still" during all of what has happening with my fwh. I believe it was during that time that God worked in my fwh life and the change began. I thank u so much for that!!!! May you feel Jesus's strength and love holding you today and always.

Orchid,

I am sorry that I am just adding my 2 cents to this. I hope that things are going better for you. The last time I talked to you on the phone you weren't sure what was going on. You have been there for so many people and helped them through some of the worst times of their lives. I know that you helped me out a ton. I don't know where I would be if it weren't for your support and guideance. I would most likely be beating my head against the wall still.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi Orchid,

((((((((((((((Orchid)))))))))))))))

Yep, I understand, too.

Kudos to you for being brave here... and for being honest with your doctor. You """could have""" held it in... you """could have""" said it was "something else"... but you were BRAVE... and LOVING... to YOU!

Thinking of you...

Hey Orchid,

I just drove home from visiting my Dad on his 84th birthday.

I was enlightened how Dad is coping with being a widower for 3 years.

I could hear him sing to my Mother's photo every morning and every night ...

"Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you
Embrace me, you irreplaceable you

Just one look at you
My heart grew tipsy in me
You and you alone
Bring out the Gypsy in me

I love all the many charms about you
Above all, I want these arms about you

Don't be a naughty baby
Come to papa, come to papa do
My sweet embraceable you

I love all the many charms about you
Above all, I want my arms about you

So don't you be, a naughty baby
Come to papa do
My sweet embraceable you"

... and then he tells her "I love you" ... and then he cries a little ...

and it dawned on me

this is sweet pain
love is always bittersweet because love always involves a loss somewhere along the way

there is no happiness without sadness

a well-lived life is going to leave some marks on the body & soul

life is full of angst-ridden moments punctuated by sillyness

and then, all too soon, it's over

take your sad tears and lick them for the salt ... and then laugh at yourself
and be aware that you are alive in the moment

Pep

Prayers Orchid, Prayers for you.

You know they work.

SS