Here is my story on the following link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post3190085

WH and I have been married for 15 years...known each other for 17. We have three kids together.

I thought everything was going along fine...so rocky patches, but nothing like we had encountered in the past. WH's job took him to Missouri for six months. It was only supposed to be for six months. In October (according to him), he started an emotional affair which turned physical in November. On Thanksgiving night, I found out about the affair.

Things have been going downhill since then. I have tried to be nice. I have listened to him cry about missing the kids...about the consequences of his actions. It's been hard on me and still he continues to have no respect for me or my feelings. He just bulls ahead like a bull in a china shop. I feel like I have been shattered. He has just up and left me with everything here...three kids, a house, everything and he's gone. Yes, I do get money but no other help. He sees the kids 4 days out of a month. Now he wants more money when I have been scrimping and saving, trying to make huge mortgage payments and he has only his own debt to pay off.

I am tired of fighting to make ends meet. I am tired of all the responsibilities. I am tired of listening to him whine about how miserable he is while he continues to wreck havoc on his kids lives and mine. I am beginning to think that the only way to keep my head on straight is to completely get rid of the ****** once and for all. Yes, it will be hard for the kids. It will be hard on me, but I think it will be easier in the long run to just divorce and go on with my life. He shows no respect for me.

He asked me to be nicer and I went out of my way to be nice. When the blizzard hit, I let him stay in the house, in another room, and kept out of his way so that he could spend time with his children. He did help me shovel, which I appreciated and when I went to thank him, I found him on the phone with his lover in my house. After I calmed down, I talked to him and told him that I found it direspectful that he did that. His reply? It was basically my fault for walking in on him. I wasn't supposed to know...

I am tired of being treated like trash. I am tired of being his doormat. A person can only take so much. He is content in his own fog and doesn't understand what is going to happen to his relationship with his kids. They are already angry, but he refuses to listen to them or their counselors...

I can only do so much and I have had my fill. I am ready to just move on now...

Heh I totally understand. I too was married 16 years when my WH walked out on me and my three kids. He cited irreconcilable differences and stated he did not love me anymore and hadn't for years etc etc ALSO KNOWN AS having an affair. But heh why fess up as it is easier to blame it on the other person. It has now been 8 months sinces he left and believe it or not I am picking up the pieces of my life. I realized I needed to totally rebuild my life and start again but it has been a good thing. I am more confident and less insecure. I think coming thru something as hard as this makes you realize with God's help we can get thru anything. Hang tough and just stay strong and get healthy yourself. Remember you can not change him nor can you make him love you. It takes two people to make a marriage work> God bless you and know that God will pull you thru this dark dark time in your life and show you the value and love He has for you.

Thanks for the encouragement. I feel so alone most days now. I am trying to keep it all together... I keep looking at my kids telling myself that I need to be there for them right now. I know I am going through the angry phase right now and it doesn't help. I have to just let go.

Thanks again...

Have you exposed the affair...to his family, your family, his work, church, OWs H? All of those? You will find info about doing so over on the General Questions II board.

What do you want from this marriage?

I will explore the option of exposing the affair to his employer. The affair has been exposed to my family, his family, and to our friends, but it hasn't been brought to light to his employer. So far, he has basically cut himself off completely from his previous life, including members of his own family. When I asked him about why he hadn't talked to his own father about him moving OW in with him, he said he felt like they didn't need to know his business. So...he continues to do whatever he wants without any regard to his family, me, or his children.

Right now I need to draft a response to a letter my lawyer received from his lawyer. He basically wants to change our temporary orders so that he receives more money. Right now, our temporary orders give me control over most of his salary except $1000/month which I send to him. He's receiving an additional $2500/month in living expense money. We do have a huge mortgage and bills to cover here and he wants to basically stick me with all of them and less money to cover them. So, I need to choose some very careful words when I draft my letter. My lawyer will make the necessary changes before it is forwarded to his lawyer.

So, I do have my work cut out for me. I have to put aside my anger and really draft this letter appropriately. I am not going to just turn over and let him walk away from his responsibilities at home while he gets off scott free... I am going to hold him to his responsibilities here until we can sell this house and I am free to move with the kids.

As far as wanting him back, I don't think so right now. He is so mind-****** that it isn't even funny. He shows no respect for me or even for his daughter's concerns. She's 14 years old and doesn't want to move out of the school district. We moved here a year and a half ago and she finally made a good group of friends. At this point in her development, they mean a great deal to her. When I tried to discuss this with WH, he told me that she'll get over it and that no one ever keeps friends beyond high school. I am done dealing with a man who treats me and his children like we are nothing but an afterthought.

We have a court date now to review the temporary orders. It is set for next Tuesday morning. I am not even sure that WH will even be there since he works out of state. His lawyer may be his only representation.

I have decided to give up my job right now. I have been working from 10am-6pm almost daily. I am having a hard time meeting the needs of my kids right now working so much. Friday is my last day and then I will begin to look for a job where I can start earlier in the day and get home sooner. I can't even make my kids their counseling appointments because I am working so much and so late into the evenings. I will begin first looking into the temp agencies first. I am planning on leaving the area where I am now and taking my kids back to my hometown at the end of the school year. I have no support group here. I am the only one responsible for my kids and I have no help. If I move back to my hometown, I will have family there to help me out plus the city has a transit system, something the small town here doesn't have. In addition, the cost of living is much lower and stretching every dollar will help.

So, on Tuesday, I have asked my lawyer to see about making WH responsible for the house as of July 1st so that I can move with the kids. I am asking him for the full amount due to me for child support as well. I need to get back home...

It's been awhile now since I have found about WH's affair and I am divorcing him. He is a selfish [censored] right now and I have even talked with my kids' counselors about him and some of the things he has said. They (both of them) have told me to expect WH to stop coming to see his kids in the future because of his selfish nature. I sort of expected that. I need to be somewhere closer to home instead of being all alone.

It's been really weird lately. In the past week, I have had FOUR different guys acting like they are taking an interest in me. It's so weird. Is spring in the air? I know it is way too soon for a relationship and I am not really looking for any long term thing right now. I just want to get my own life settled first...

Xetta, why are you drafting the letter and not your attorney? Are you a lawyer or paralegal? And I would ask your attorney's opinion about making your husband responsible for the house, and not just tell him/her. If your H decides to heck with it, and doesn't pay the mortgage, you could be hurt in the short term.

Have you tried Plan B with your husband? Even if you go ahead and divorce him, Plan B is an excellent idea for a while. It will protect your feelings.

Meanwhile, I suggest slowing down on the plans for moving home if it's more than a 45 minute drive from where you live now. It sounds like you are reacting in fear and anger rather than looking at all the ramifications of the various courses open to you.

No...I am not a paralegal or a lawyer... My lawyer asked me to draft a letter which he then used for details for his own letter to my WH's lawyer. I understand why he asked me to write it and I am ok with it.

As for moving, I have given it a lot of thought. I have looked at the pros and cons. If I stay where I am, I do not have the emotional or additional support network that I would have at home. Right now, I am the only one here for my kids. I often have to pick and choose who gets to do what because I can't be in two places at one time. In addition, this community is smaller and doesn't have the things available that I would have if I moved home...like a public transportation system. I am the sole person to meet my kids transportation needs. If I did move back home, the cost of living is lower, which would stretch my monthly stripend. In addition, I have family who would help me out when I needed it. My brother is a policeman on the police force and knows everyone in town. My uncles is very handy and would be able to help me out in home repairs and automobile repairs. My sister could help out occasionally with childcare, etc.

If I stay here, again, I am the only one available to the kids. The cost of living his higher here as well. And to top it off, I am alone here. My nearest relative is at home.

Yes, it would be hard on the kids... I understand that, but if I am not in a better place, I won't be able to help the kids out either. I feel that this is something that I have to do for me. All I really want is to get moved and start a new life for me and my kids so that we won't ever have to move again... They want stability and that is all I want to provide them right now, though it may take a move to get us there.

I can't keep the house that I am living in now. There is no way that will happen. I have to be realistic and look ahead to my future and that of my kids...

Well, we had to go to court this morning because WH wanted more money. The long and short of it is that WH did not get what he has asked for. The hearing was to review the temporary orders set in place in late January. I showed up with my financial papers which had not changed since January and WH showed up with just a proposal of what he would have liked to see happen. He did not have any of his current financial paperwork in order. The judge set another court date for early May, but until that time, the temporary orders remain in effect. The judge also told WH and his lawyer that he wanted to see WH's financial paperwork for not only Wisconsin, but his finances for his living in Missouri as well. So, for now things are not going as WH had hoped. And so...round 1 and 2 are in my favor...

I have got a little breathing room now for a little bit.

This has been a very emotional weekend for me. WH had picked up the kids for the weekend. There has been some fighting between us. Yes, I am angry. I have been hurt repeatedly by him. Every time I have opened myself up to him, he has hurt me... I have gone pretty dark. I don't contact him unless it is absolutely necessary regarding the children. Otherwise, I have been handling everything myself and had been doing quite well. People constantly tell me that they are amazed at my strength.

Well, a lot of old wounds were opened up today and yes, I had been on the defensive, and probably the offensive as well. After H. left with the kids, I did call him and I asked him to listen...and try to understand what I have been through the past five months. Yes, I outlined the pain I had gone through and how he had repeatedly hurt me. Yes, I explained that I am so tired of being hurt that I do get defensive.

We did talk a bit today and there is now some remorse in his words, but then again, that is all there is...it's all just words. No actions. It felt really good to let him know the depth of my hurt. I wasn't mean and I didn't accuse, I just tried to let him know just how much I have been hurt because of his infidelity and his choices.

He did say he was sorry and he asked me what he should do... I didn't push for him to come home. I didn't push for him to end the affair. I asked him to get into counseling. He has his stuff to work through and I have my pain to work through. It's hard. For now, the divorce goes on. It's all been talk and there has been no walk of yet. I think he hasn't hit rock bottom quite yet, but it's getting closer...

OK... I am totally blown out of the water... WH wants to come home. I have posted on General Questions as well now.

I want to hope and I really want to believe, but right now, OW is still in the picture. He knows OW has to go. We talked...but that was it. I did tell him that I have to see the walk now too...

So, for now I am hoping for the best even when I am afraid to hope... Am I making any sense?