HELP.......My wife moved out saying she needed time to figure out if she can fall back in love with me. We have been married almost 4 years. Love was lost in our relationship about 2.5 years ago. A lot of it has to do because of my own stupidity. I had a problem of taking care of myself first and putting my wife and kids feeling first. I went on a fishing trip with my dad back in november and while I was on my way home a friend called me and said my wife had slept with another man. I found this true. They were both had been drinking and on thing led to another. I still don't understand but she tells me that this guy was a good person and could actually talk to her and became a friend.



Anyway.since that had happen I have made a life changing change to myself. I care so much and I am so in love with my wife and family it is not funny. I do not go out everynight like I used to and I spend as much time as I can with my children.


All of my friends and family has notice how I changed. I just hope it is not too late. My wife moved out saying she could not be in our house together and try to figure out if she is still in love with me. Is this normal, I know she cares for me very much and says she love me very much but is not in love with me. I am scared of losing somthing that I care fore so much.


Together we have two children. Our daughter is no mine by blood but I have been with her since she was 10 months old and she is about to turn 9. We have a son together which is about to turn 2. I cannot fathem the fact of our children growing up without mom and dad in the same house. And why do I care so much now. I know my wife is scared that I will turn back into that unsencitiv [censored] that I used to be. Which I can understand. Ahould I give her time and see what happens or what. We are perfect for eachother we both love doing different things. Please any advice would be great. I just wish we could have stayed together and worked this out. I guess all I really want to know is, does this happen to anyone else or am I just the lucky one. Thank you very much. Oh my wife left 7 days ago and we are getting along better now than we ever have. That is weird to.

I will tell you one more thing. My wife still see this guy in a matter fact he used to be a friend of mine he is 2 years younger than me. He has been to her new home and spends a a lot of time there, well not alot but to much you ask me. She swears to me on God and our children nothing is going on. She has lied so many times it is HARD for me to trust her. I can I tell or should I just not worry and concintrate on me staying in love. I don't know what to do. I am trying my [censored] of to trust her. I really think she is telling me the truth but I do not know that. Please. I am on the verge of going insain with thinking what is going on.

She moved out because she is having an affair, I am sorry to say. Hopefully, you have not allowed her to drag your children from your home to accommodate her affair. You should also not allow her to take any family money to pay for her affair apartment.

Secondly, you will want to expose the affair to all of your family members and the OM's parents. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure will kill them or hasten their death.

Get your hands on Surviving an Affair so you will understand what is happening here. Much of what we tell you is counterintuitive but it will make much more sense if you understand the dynamics of an affair.

You should be in Plan A right now and I will post what that means in the next post. Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

That is great advice. but I still ask what do I do, all i want to do is hammer her with questions to see if i can get her to lie. Though I do not want her to. I need the truth. I know she is going out tonight and I know that guy will be there what should I wonder. I am wondering if they are going to have sex with eachother again and I do not want that feeling. How can I get away from that. do I just let her have her space and what she does is her own buisness and let time apart brings us back together. Thank you again. I am just scared.

You have all the truth you need. You must assume she is having an affair. Confronting her and asking her tell you will do no good. You must focus now on how to save your marriage, if that's what you want to do. Many people recover their marriages after affairs.

You MUST learn all you can about how best to stop the affair and restore your marriage to a happy state.

Instead of worrying about what she's doing tonight, spend this evening reading the articles here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

You need to get the book "Surviving An Affair." Depending on where you live, it can be hard to find sometimes but you can order it.

You can get through this. Try to put your energy into learning all you can and how you can change it. Do not waste your energy by tryitng to back her into a corner right now. Even though it's tough, try to keep your emotions in check. The more you know about Marriage Builders, the better you'll do.

Take Care,
Shellybird

FN1 - you already know the truth. There's no need to hammer her with questions because of course she will lie. Yes, she is dating another man and yes, she is having sex with him.

I know it's like a knife in your back but in a strange way this gets easier once you face the truth. The insanity you feel is from trying to fight down your gut instincts which ARE telling you the truth.

Your next step is to follow MelodyLane's advice and get a copy of the book Surviving an Affair. All the stuff we talk about here is based on that.

In the meantime, go over to the Just Found Out board and read the posts which are permanently "stuck" to the top of the list.

That will get you started. Then, come back here and post whatever questions you have.

Hang in there. There are plenty of people here who will help you through this.
Mulan

I am sure glad I found you very help people out there. Right now I am going out of my mind like you would not believe. I have out son which makes it even harder. So you are saying I need to concentrate on the good that I am doing and hopfully she will relize I am a changed man and come back to our home and family which I love so much. I am only 26 years old I should not be going through this already. I would love to talk to sombody on the phone and maybe they can calm me down. I am serious I am going nucking guts. Thanks again. You can email me if you want to talk I sure could use it. Hunterrd@insightbb.com


Thanks
Sincerily
Chris

Have to echo everything that has been said so far. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Get ready for a roller coaster ride, but you can save your marriage with the principles and tools you will learn

Sent you an e-mail.

I was just going to post those exact words. You MUST take a deep breath and slow down. Nothing is going to happen one way or another for a while. You have to educate yourself first and then come up with a Plan. We will help you with it here. Once you have a Plan, you will feel a lot better.

But for now, please just take a deep breath and slow down. Then go and read the links we have been suggesting. That will get you started.
Mulan

I tell you what I have relaxed a lot just by listening to you all. It is amazing how many people go through this all the time. I am so gratful to have found MB. I truly think I was about to have a nervous breakdown. But you have help me relax. I will do all the research I can. The problem is, well...with her leaving me I have no money and canot afford to go buy these books you are all talking about and nobody around here deals with them so I would have to order them. I know that is a pittiful excuse but it is true. I would not lie and tell you I have the book. This is way beyond anything I have ever done before and I used to build Radio and TV towers. Oh and I need to definently get some anti-depressiants i am one of the most inpatiant people in the world as it is and now I am going nuts. Well not as bad as I was a few hours ago. Thanks again.

You can get a lot of good info in the articles on this website - see the link from shellybird above.

Start there.

Yeah, there are a lot of good people on here. Some recovered, some did not, some are recovering even now. The cool thing is everyone brings their own experience to the table here, but the MB principles are constant.

Oh, and another thing - your WW will not say anything new or creative that we have not already heard. It's like they all read from a script. Uncanny. I did not believe it myself until I saw it firsthand.

You need to expose the affair to everyone - her family, his family, your family, friends, etc. That will help end it.

Post deleted by Hoping68

I am a FWW, participant in 2 on-line EA's.

Seeing two of your posts (as a brand new MB member) that requests "someone to talk to" and lists several different methods which someone can reach you (and therefore talk privately) is dangerous.

On-line friendships can turn into an EA at the drop of a hat and with you being vulnerable and in pain right now, makes it even more of a possibility. Simple friendship could fill your love bank easily...and that's another complication you do not need.

I would suggest that you keep your relationships with women in the public arena.

jmho, experience gained the very hard way...

Mom

Thank you all for caring and taking the time to talk with me, but right now I am going to file for leagal seperation. I cannot take this anymore. I will let life go the way is chooses. Fate will decide from now on. I wish I could say I am doing the right thing but I do not have the paitiance to continue on like this and maybe this will be a wake up call for her and open her eyes up and realize she is throwing away the best man in the world and family in the world. Thanks again. please give more coments, I could sure use them.

Fate is gauranteed divorce. Calm down dude. If family is number 1 then spend some time on this web site before you make any rash decisions. The basic concepts, Q and A sessions, and the articles that are free on this web site will give you most of the info that you need. The forum will fill in the rest. SAA is an excellent book, but it has done nothing for my Plan A. I got that from the website and mostly from this forum. You need to be educated to gain control of yourself. Your emotions are going to drive you crazy and help you make all the wrong decisions.

I can honestly tell you that I have not been lied to on this forum. The expert advice that I have received has been right on the money. It will change you life for the better. It will prepare you for recovery or divorce. Every day that you spend on this website and forum you will feel stronger and more confident. The pain will subside to a level that you can handle. I've been here for about a month and my marriage is no where near recovery, but I am confident and strong. I have gained control of my situation and it has made a difference in my chances for recovery. Chance is an important word because before MB I had no chance for recovery. Now I know it will happen if I can wait that long. There are no miracles happening overnight here. This is a process that takes time.

If you educate yourself with the princaples of the Harley's and the expert advice given on this forum then you will be in a better place than the alternative.

Good Luck

Well..Today I beleive a big step was made in my relationship with my wife.(i hope) She come over to pick up our son and my grandfather showed up. He is like a patriarch for our whole family. We all talk a little together and he said some thing to my W that I think made her think a little. He was married for 50 years before my grandmother passed. He has been through this type of thing before. He knows a lot about love and family. He told my W thatthe only way to help her self is to get that theird person out of the picture competly and move back to our home so the kids are not involved so much. If she needs time to figure out what she wants than it is better to do it as a family than try to take it one herself. My W made a promise to my Papa that she would go to MC and try to work on herself. And try to bring back that person that I Married and fell in love with. I know it can happen and I am trying to keep my frustrations in check but it is so hard to do. I want to thank ou for the advice and I have decided not to go file any paperwork yet and to give this some time. And give myself time to read and understand what is going on.