My sitch is was married 10y, together 17y and have a 10D. The bomb was dropped 10/03, she wanted a seperation because she was unhappy. We tried MC for 2 months until she quit, she moved out of the bedroom 4/04.
She was very cold and angry person who felt like she got married too young and didn't accomplish all she wanted.
She was 24yrs old when she was married, been with me since she was 18.
Once the bomb was dropped she was hanging out a clubs more, wanted her freedom. Said I never spent enough time with her because of work (which is true).

The D was final 12/05. She had remained very distant and angry with me until 2 months ago.

She started asking me to drive her and my D to away basketball games. When I would drop her off she would give me a hug (hasn't done that in 3 years). About 3 weeks ago on the way back from a game we started talking about eat out, she says doesn't cook a lot but if I felt like I could cook her dinner sometime. As I drop her off she give me a long hard hug and a quick kiss on the lips.
I have no idea why she is doing any of this so I decide to ask her dinner just to catch up on our lives.
I ask her a couple of days before Valentines day and she kids with me that I wanted to take her out for Valentines Day dinner. We set up a time the following Friday for dinner.

This is where is gets confusing. We have a nice dinner and have not had pleasant converstion with her like that is 3 years. As I am dropping her off I decide to let her know my feelings for her and this developes into a R talk.
It was pleasant and nice with each acknowledging our problems and how we have grown.

She then states that we probably would be two people who could date each other (she did not come right out and ask me). As she is leaving she leans in and starts kissing me passionately and give me a loooong tight hug. Then whispers we can do this again if you like) Now I am like WTF! was that.

I decide to go over her house last Sunday to talk with her. We ended up watchin the Oscars for 2 hours and as I am leaving I thanked for coming to dinner o Friday.
I come right out and asked her if she wanted to get to know me better and her reply was "I never would thought I wanted to ever be with you again but I can see that happening just not right now" Maybe in a month or 6 months she can't give me any reassurances as to when.

I am currently dating somebody for 4 months and she is not seeing anyone.

Her words and actions were very sincere, like the fog lifted and I have my old W back.

I spoke to the Harleys and they said to pursue her and continue to meet her EN.

My friends tell me to let her come begging back for you, don't make it easy?

I did send her flowers on Friday, telling what a wonderful Mom she is and how I appreciate everything she does. She called to thank me and she it made her day.


Just looking for other opionions

if you have decided to pursue your now ex wife, i sure hope you have ended the 4 month dating relationship you said you were having with someone else....

mlhb

mlhb is right. If you're taking the Harleys suggestion (which I agree with 100%) then you need to make it a conscious decision and cut off whatever "relationship" you have with the woman you've been seeing the last 4 months.

If you continue to 'have a foot in both camps' by seeing both women, you'll be hurting them, yourself, and especially your daughter. So sit down and decide what you want, and go after it. This may be a second chance that many of us don't get. The obvious way to find out is to talk with your ex-wife.

Yes I have decided to end the relationship since I now realize I have strong feelings for my ex.

I guess my question is..is my ex messing with my head and testing me or is she really serious?

Why woudld she tell me not right now but maybe in a month or 6?

She may not is being honest as she may be in a relationship. Perhaps she has her eye on someone else and you are the person to fall back on if it doesn't work out. (Many of us here have been the backup-plan for our WS's).

I suggest asking her what she meant by it.

I do believe you may have an oppurtunity to reconcile if she shows commitment to change as well as you.

Keith

i don't know... she is your exwife for a reason. i find it hard to believe after being divorced over a year she suddenly would want you back. i wouldn't trust it, but that is just me. she lures you in and says you can have more of "that" if you want it, than hits you with "oh, i don't know, maybe 6 months or so from now i would want a relationship" are you sure she doesn't just want to be friends with benefits?

she sounds like she doesn't know what she wants to me. again, i would not trust it, she is your ex for a reason. the person you were dating for 4 months, did you see that going anywhere? i would be afraid that you might be giving up something good and positive, this person you are dating, to get into something that was already ended by a divorce, and has no guarantees.

see, for me, divorced is divorced. i'd move on if it were me. although, maybe you shouldn't be dating either if you still have feelings for your ex. i would TREAD VERY CAREFULLY.don't allow yourself to be vulnerable and yet hurt again by your now exwife.

mlhb

What she ment by waiting was that her feelings about me are coming back but are just not as strong as mine are.

Plus she is a very stubborn person who would never admit she was wrong. Once she makes her mind up about something she needs to be woo'd back. So unless I pursue she would probably not do anything.

She is active on match.com right now so yes I do beleive I might be the back up plan.

She did say we could hang out maybe once a week as a family or just me and her very casually.
This is big for her, this girl couldn't be in the same zip code with me for the longest time.

I do beleive she has let a large part of her wall down and she just needs some reassurrances that if she gets vulnurable again she won't be disappointed.

Jersey said:
Or, you might be the object that would make her 'main plan' jealous or force whoever that is to get serious.

I feel most sympathy for your daughter in all this. How much has she witnessed between you and your wife recently? Did she see you kiss? Anything would probably get her hopes up (kids often live in this state of mind). Please realize that she's just as vulnerable (or moreso) than you or your ex-wife are.

My D does not know we went out to dinner and kiss. One of the statements she made was before we drag our D into this she had to be sure she wanted to try again.

All this really stinks when I was done wanting her back she plays this card.
I feel this has set me back two years.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells once again

And just like that you are going to allow her to walk back into your life? Your divorced so the ball is in your court if she wants you back.

Too bad for her if she is the stubborn type who doesn't like to admit that she is wrong. In this situation if she wants back she should have to admit that she is wrong and be willing to work out all issues that lead to the divorce.

My minister told me recently that normally when an X comes back that the BS has moved on.

Yes, the ball is in your court. I believe if a WS can be truly remorseful and admit their mistakes and show they have learned from their mistakes, then maybe there is hope. If she cannot do that and show true remorse, forget it.

Also, I believe that the BS has to admit their own shortcomings and be willing to work on them. We BS's must also learn from our experiences.

I do hope this works out, that you get back together. But I hope it works out for the best for both of you (not just because you are convenient for her right now).

Be careful with your heart...

Well it has been a very emotional night, I think I might have slept for an hour.

I had a two hour conversation with the ex last night that lasted until midnight. I had to get clarifiaction on this maybe in 1 or 6 month statement.

She said she didn't really know what that ment, she was not using me as a back up plan but rather she wasn't sure if she could trust me again.

Her major complaint was the lack of quality time I spent with her and my D and how I never had her back or supported her when she would get into arguments with her family (this is another story all to its self)

I came right out and told her love is a choice, if you still have loving feelings for me you need to make me show you you can trust me again. There wasn't going to be any bell going off telling you hey its ok to get vulnerable now.

We spent the better part of an hour talking about changes we needed to make. For the first time she said she was sorry for all the pain she put me through and that I truly was a great person.
When she was in her fog she says she was in so much pain she just needed out. I neglected her for so long she was numb.

I asked her what was it that changed her mind about me, she told me she saw changes in me that were real. I spent quality time with my D, I always talked to my ex with dignity and respect and I was always there for her when she needed something.

We discussed how we both need to meet each others emotional needs and I insisted on counseling. She wasn't so sure we need that but I told her even though I have grown a lot and realize how I have hurt her, I need a safe placed to vent my hurt as we grow back together.

She said she wants to take this slowly and ease into it, she needs to feel safe again with me. I said no problem, just let me show you the path to a great relationship and I won't fail you.

We both agreed to cut ties with all current and old b/g friends and dedicate our full energy to us.

I am excited, yet scared about this new relationship. It is what I wanted for so long and I never doubted we had a chance to re-kindle what we had. I beleive in my heart we will be fine but have a lot of hard work ahead of us

The one sticky situation is with her 2 brothers, they have remained friends with me throughout the divorce. My ex had approached them we this all began and she wanted them to cut ties with me until the divorce was over. Well they all ended up getting into a fight and now they don't talk.

One of the requestes she made was that I have no contact with her brothers any more. I agreed to that for now, but I know its not something I want.

I hope counseling can help us work through that.

I have heard that "love is a choice" many times since my divorce. I think there is no better description of what love is. WS's tend to think lust or infatuation is love and it isn't. Love is commitment, it is seeing the good things in your partner, it is loyalty, it is kindness, it is a lot of "choices". So, yes, love is a choice. I am glad you told her that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Well, you got an apology - that is good. I got a similiar one about a month ago but my X is not making any plans on coming back (and I am ok with that).


I don't know your entire story but I don't like her excuse. She took marraige vows and promised to stick with you. She needs to prove she will stick with you when the going gets tough.

If it were me, I would shop around for a good counselor that has experience in reconciliation. And this has to be something your X is willing to do also. If you need to "drag" her to counseling sessions, then forget it!

Good luck - keep us posted.

Jersey, when you say “Love is a choice” what do you mean by love?

I see how BHINWI defined “love” in that context. Love is commitment, loyalty, honor, respect, kindness. Conspicuously absent is the other description of love: that warm, melting feeling. The feeling that with this person by your side, you can handle whatever life throws at you. The feeling of deep connection with a person.

I like to use the words caring love for the first kind of love, and romantic love for the second kind. Romantic love is what makes demonstrating caring love for you spouse easy. And I don’t believe romantic love is a choice. It is a response to the stimuli of another person’s actions.

Your exWife could have chosen to stay with you, but would not have made her romantic feelings for you return. The big problem I have with “Love is a choice” is that it puts all the burden on the other person. ‘You make your own happiness” really means “I don’t have to worry if something I do makes you unhappy.” “Love is choice” often means “I don’t have to change or adjust my behavior because you should stick with me ‘cause you promised.” “Love is a choice” should mean “I choose to meet the needs of my spouse and protect him/her, and that’s the best way to ensure his/her romantic love for me continues.”

If you decide to try to work things out with your wife, I’d make sure the two of you were on the same page about what it would take from both of you to ensure you two would be happy in the future. Personally, I’d go slowly with pursuing your ex-wife. I think you are liable to get hurt. I think it is irresponsible of her to kiss you passionately before she was ready to say “Yes, I’d like to reconnect with you.” Wise women who have grown over the years tread more carefully and don’t make a move until they know their own mind and heart.

BTW, posters seem to be assuming your wife had an affair. Is that the case?

"Love is a choice" means that love is just not a feeling it is an action. You can choose to act loving to your spouse or you can engage in activies that drive you apart. What you decide to do on a daily basis determines how much love you feel for each other.

Romantic love comes and goes, no two people are ever in the same state of romantic love. Thats why when people say they "fall out of love" they are not acting loving towards each other. If you are both meeting each others emotional needs then you will feeling loving. Or you can ignore that person, blame, talk down to and disrespect them which is not acting in a loving manner.

There was no infidelity involved in my sitch.

I agree... The choices we make, the actions we do, are a reflection of the love we have for our partner. There were two times during my marraige I was hit on by married women and I chose not to act on them. I chose not to for several reasons - they were married is a big one. But the biggest reason is because I was married, I loved my wife and I respected my vows to her.

I believe the actions we take in choosing to love our partners, leads to romantic love. Romantic love is a product of the respect, loyalty, kindness, giving and all the other choices we make. Romantic love is a feeling, not a choice.

Yes, BUT

You cannot choose to be in love with someone.

All philosophy and debate boils down to semantics. Control the words, and you control the debate. In an intimate relationship, I think it is essential to distinguish between the kind of love that is “action” and “choice” love and romantic love. Otherwise, you and your SO can be using the word “love” and meaning two entirely different things by it.

GG,

Yes, you cannot choose to be in romantic love - that has to come on it's own. You can't force that emotion.

What I am getting at is the choices we make in how we treat our partner is the foundation for the relationship. If I treat a woman with respect, kindness, loyalty, etc there is a good chance she will develop romantic feelings (and vice-versa). However, if I ignore her, disrespect her, etc, she is not going to develop romantic feelings. (Or if she does, they won't last).

Keith

PS.Good to hear from you. Hope life is treating you well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

See, I knew we agreed, Keith. It's all semantics.

Jersey, that's why you need to be clear when you talk about love with your wife. You could say one thing, and she could hear another.