Well, here's my suggestion.

Tell him that you're not wanting to tell the world about' his personal stuff'. What you WANT to do is to find a way that both of you can be happy and make the marriage you've got better. You want to FIX what's been damaged.

And you can't do it on your own. You can't do it with the way things are going now. YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP.

Tell him that you'll gladly quit 'telling the world'. What you need from him here is some professional help...ask him to start marriage counseling with you (preferably with the Harleys, or at least with someone that supports MB methodology).

Make sure he understands that you do take responsibility for what happened, and all your trying to do now is help both of you get through what's happened. Remind him how much you love him. And make sure he understands how much BOTH of you need this.

If nothing changes...nothing will change. Make sense?

If he wants things to get better, then it's going to take work on both parts to MAKE them better. They won't get better on their own. THAT method NEVER works.

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Then ask him what HIS plan for actually recovering the marriage is. He's not happy, you're not happy...and he's refusing to do anything about it. If he's convinced that MC won't do it, then ask him what will?

Heck...most of us would have LOVED our WS's to take some kind of responsibility in trying to rebuild after the affair.

This is exactly what he needs to hear (even if he doesn't seem receptive to it at the time). He'll need to hear it over and over, backed up by your actions, to recover.

Owl is right, nothing will change if you BOTH don't do anything to change it.

Did you mention the possibility of him writing the NC letter, or making changes to this one himself? How did you explain the reasoning for needing this letter (concept of NC?)?

In my case, my FBH sent a NC email. I don't even know what it said and OM replied and I don't know what that said either. At the time, I was a mess and whatever hubby wanted/needed to do was fine with me. For some reason, H didn't want me to read it all, I think he was afraid it would send me back running to OM, maybe...

I do know that the email was effective...there was never contact again.

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Post deleted by RavenWW

Why not tell him that you need him to give this some thought NOW? Tell him your concerns about him taking his laptop/PDA/whatever when he does this. And ask him to take that time NOW.

Now, on the other hand, remember it normally takes couples YEARS to recover from the damage of an affair. My wife and I recovered far faster than many, and it still took us about a year of MC before we felt comfortable in stopping it. He's got a lot to overcome.

Have you talked to him about his porn use? About the problems you've described to us here? Have you done an EN questionairre to figure out what his needs are, and how you can work to meet them? He does need to give you the chance TO meet them too...and once you've done your homework, you should talk with him about that if possible.