I am the BS, d-day was over a year ago, NC on d-day, we were supposed to have been in recovery since then, (we didn't, WH was more into the move on running from guilt, etc, kind of attitude) I actually believe Recovery really started 1 and a half months ago. But I am having one of those hard mornings...

As someone said to me before, I am my worst enemy now.

I failed plan A on myself.

I have been in severe depression since d-day, I am on IC and drugs.
The infidelity diet had the opposite effect on me... I am overweigth now.

I am much better then I was one year ago... but looking back... what do I see?

A failed mother. A failed professional. A failed person.

I havent been fired yet, but since d-day that I can't work properly, I haven't done most of my projects. I finished the most important one's, took me too long to do them and that's it.

I failed on my daughters, we are all now living the pain and the effects of it.I have always been there for them... but not really there. They are really unstable, they are 7 and 9, with special needs that we found out during all this infidelity mess.

Most of the time now, I resent my H for all this mess, but at the same time... I resent myself for not being up to all this mess. I dont think I am on a self pitty moment, I just have to understand where I am failing.

We are in recovery, H's here, but we are faced with all the mess this last year caused.

I should have been stronger, I should have stood up for myself. I should have protected my girls and I feel they havent been the priority.

I dont know why I am posting, I just really feel really down for a couple days now.

I lack the motivation to do anything at all and I don't know where to get it from.

is it worth this run for recovery?
Is my M, my H really worth it? I mean, we now have to repair all the damage done... I am really depressed and don't really know how to get out of it, what if I had just moved on my own with my girls, wouldnt the girls be at a better place by now?

Is these mess only caused by the infidelity... or am I some kind of a weak person or something?

Will I ever get over this pain?

Thank you for any advise if there's any.

Formely lostwillow

LW,

Time to call Steve and get a plan. Can you do that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

All is not lost....call Steve.

Hugz,
L.

(((mysilentenemy)))

You are not a failure.... no words of wisdom at this time just wanted to give a hug.

Still

mysilentenemy: No, you are definitely not a failed person! You have probably done what you thought was best to save your family and you can still “plan A” yourself, it is not too late.

I think that you look upon your life with depressed eyes but you must believe that things will get better. I know that it is not possible to just change your attitude and be happy again, I have been there too, but I think that is most important for you now.

If it makes you feel bad to look back, then don't look back right now. Look forward, make plans with your family, take care of your daughters and try to be happy together.

I have had problems in my life when I was younger and I was not happy then. I can not say that I am glad that I had all those problems but without them I would not be what I am today. One day you may be able to look back on this period of your life and see it as an experience which made you stronger but for now I think you should focus on what you are doing and planning now.

Is it possible that I just dont feel motivated to do anything, not only because of the depression, but that I really fall out of love and respect for my H?

We did reached the stage where we were happy that we felt we were starting recovery, 1 and a half month ago.

Before that I was already at a point where I was ready to divorce.

I dont know if I love H or not. Sometimes I hate him, somethimes I love him and sometimes feels like nothing.

I do know and realized this he's not someone I can count on.

I dont think I respect him. I don't admire him.

There's still lots of resentment, from his A's, but mostly from his behavior for the last year.

And then all this frustration from the depression, I do try to think, rationalize, make plans, Make a plan for us... but I also feel so tired and powerless.

Is this normal at this time?

Orchid, I am one of those people from the other side of the planet you been helping. No I cant call the Harleys <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


I know I need a good counselor, we don't even have MC here.I am on the only IC here, not that good.

No friends to talk, actually lost the closest two friends because they could not understand what happened to me and how I became this different person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
No one knows about the A's.

Thanks WillMakeIt for reminding that I can still Plan A myself. Re-reading MB site again.

Thanks (((stillhurting01))), I needed that.

I am used to hug and help everybody else, I am not really good at needing and looking for help.

((mse))

You are not a failure because your H chose to have an A.
You are wounded and the pain is deeper than anything we imagined because it was inflicted by our most initimate partner. It is a huge shift in our lives. Please don't think you are weak because you hurt. I read somewhere during my past year that the pain and anger we feel means the hurt mattered. It isn't insignificant.

Please don't beat yourself up because you are affected by this wound. Have you ever read the Velveteen Rabbit? The skin horse tells the Rabbit that you become real when you love to the point of becoming ragged (I'm paraphrasing here-haven't read the story in a while). It's after the Velveteen Rabbit helps the boy through an illness, and has his velvet fur loved off, his stuffed body in tatters, and is eventually incinerated along with all the bed sheets and other things in the boy's room because he was infected by the illness that he becomes a real rabbit. I feel that way sometimes. You are real. That's why it hurts.

I know what you mean about helping everyone else and not being good at needing or looking for help. That was me.

I can actually look back and see that the timing of my surgery and treatment helped me to not lose my mind during this last horrible year. Weird to say but...God knew I would need to be forced to be still and accept help to recover. He knew my children would need to be able to help me recover and be part of my treatment to heal their wounds. I can look back now and see His hand holding me.

Let me add: I don't believe God "gave" me cancer any more than I think He allowed my WH to do what my WH has done. That was free will. And cancer is just part of living in a fallen world where cells mutate, weeds grow in our gardens and weather can be fatal.

I truly do believe (and did before this) that God can make all things work together for good. That's what He did with all this. So, I have hope.

Have you gotten any of the books recommended on this site?
One that might help is Surviving an Affair. Another one that helped me realize I wasn't crazy while on the roller-coaster of emotions wass Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It explains the process for both the BS and WS and it also has suggestions for both on how to heal the M.

Keep coming back here. Keep posting. Keep reading.
We are here for you.

Ok, then can you send Steve an e-mail and ask what options he has available to help you? Might be worth a try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Let's keep helping you from across the waters, ok?

Hugz,
L.