I posted this on accident in the emotional needs section. Felt it belonged here instead.


Well, here's my situation. I have a pending divorce in two weeks. I don't want it, my wife has gone back and forth between wanting it and not, and finally she has settled on wanting it. We have two children, 2 and 6. All our problems stem from our communication, I have stress and anxiety problems and I took it out on her verbally, and she never really let me have it like she should have, she never communicated to me how she felt about what I did.I don't think either of us understood what was going on.

The problem became that when my wife didn't talk to me, she talked to other men online. This grew into a relationship, and she moved out and into an apartment, where I found out about OM and actually stole her back from him. She realized he was a wall she had put up against us getting back together, and we started to get along better, hanging out, going on all day "dates", backrubs, massages, and then it led back to sex. And then my stress and anxiety over wether she was still seeing this man pushed her away again. it was over a cell phone, but anyhow, I made selfish demands and had an angry outburst.

So after that, it's been a rollercoaster of back and forth, of her letting herself get comfortable with me again, then going out, then I can't take it and ask for a decision. I know, wrong thing to do. I don't know how to handle the stress of losing my wife and family. But we've done this multiple times, until finally, this last time, she's finally decided she wants the divorce because "she can't be married to me" and that I "can never change".

I've been a nervous wreck for over seven years. i don't know how to deal with stress. This last year, my house caught on fire, the car broke down, the dog got hit by a car, I threw my back out, etc, etc. Oh, and then my wife left me. I'm in therapy for it, and I've done alot of good, and my therapist is telling me that yes, I can change because I want to. But my wife doesn't believe it, and won't go back to marriage counseling so she can hear that it's possible. I think someone has told her people don't change or something....

Anyhow, so lately, I've been going down there to her apartment to hang with her and the kids, eat dinner, I've taken them out a number of times, we've gone to the mall, Walmart, movies, watched movies at her apartment, we're tlaking about me bringing my bike down there so we can go riding together, things that a husband and wife should do. But she thinks she's doing this "for the kids".

My wife loves to chat, she talks and talks about her day and I love to hear every word. I listen to her on the phone, or when I'm over there, we joke and laugh, take the kids to the play area at the mall. These things I don't think people that are divorcing should do. If you can have fun and laugh with this person, why divorce them? Why say they can't change if you have fun with them and they make you feel good? I know there are aspects of me I need to work on, and I am. I have anger issues, I yell alot, but I'm not violent. But I've gotten a ton better with a number of therapists over the last six months. It's the stress of his situation and the anxiety that's out of control in my head that's the problem. I really think if we could get some real help, we could make it.

I don't know how to get her there in two weeks....it's looking like more and more she's going to have to divorce me and then realize how much she needs and wants me to be around. I know that's what is going to happen, we click so well, and I grieve that the family has to go through it to maybe get her to where she needs to be. I don't know if I can make it through that myself.

I saw some really good advice in another thread with a woman just like me, but I wish I had the time to make her miss me, to stop being there for her every need and show her she actually likes to be around me. before my last selfish demand, we had started telling each other "I like you" in place of I love you, and we were hugging again.

I'm really lost, I don't want her or my children to go through any more than they have to, but I don't want to give up either!

I sat down with my wife last Thursday because what was going on made me upset. Doing all these things for her and spending all that time with her two weeks to a divorce was making my anxiety and stress very bad, so I pointed things out to her and asked if I was there because she wanted ME to be there, or she just was lonely. She said that some of it was she was just lonely, but some of it was ME. She said she does like it when I'm around and not "wierd", meaning not getting emotional about losing my marriage. She says she's not sure again, and that she's "thinking". I said okay, I'll operate under that because I don't believe she is using me on purpose.

So I got my kids for my custody days, I let my mom have them at her farm for the couple days. I let my wife know I would be alone the two days, and to call me if she wanted to hang out. Well, the two days came and went, and no call. So I figured I had my answer. I took my kids back to their mother's apartment and handed them off to her and went to leave, expecting it to be over. She looked at me funny and asked if I wanted to watch Jackie Chan Drunken Master with her. I was a little confused, I asked her why, since she hadn't called me. She said she had tried to call me, but I never picked up. I only have a cell phone now, cut off all other expenses I can't live with, but it has been giving me alot of trouble. One day she called me four times, and it never rang, showed four missed calls. She said she tried to call me Saturday, that she had wanted to watch movies with me! I was shocked she had actually tried to hang out with me without the kids, so I stayed, and ended up spending 9 and a half hours with her during the day. We ate lunch and dinner together with the kids, went to the mall and watched movies.

At the end of the night when the kids went to bed, I told her I didn't quite understand why I was there. She said she is still thinking about it, so I said okay, and we hugged. It was very nice.

So I'm trying to fight my anxiety that she is interested in someone else, with no evidence to support that she is. I'm trying to fight my stress over my divorce is only a week and a half away and she isn't sure. I want an answer at this point, my life has been in horrible turmoil for over six months, I'm trying so hard not to quiz her on stuff and want to talk about it, but which is the right thing to do? I want so bad to just let her come to her own decision, but it's hard!

I need advice!